[CS] Dave
Counter-Strike Dave was born with an IQ of 240 and the ability to speak. The doctors who delivered him were surprised to discover that he had developed his own language while inside his mother's womb. After having this new language explained by Dave via a series of diagrams, it was concluded that his new language was actually better than English, and it began to slowly spread throughout the country. Although to make communication easier in the short term, Dave did manage to learn English in mere hours after his birth. But what impressed everyone even more so, was that Dave could also tell which celebrities and public figures were gay with startling accuracy. With these and other talents, Dave immediately set a standard that he would consistently live up to throughout the rest of his childhood.
Because his family was fairly well off, he had a privileged childhood. He went to schools for gifted children and was always able to astound his teachers with his brilliance. His parents bought him pretty much anything he wanted and did everything they could to nurture his mind. His outstanding intellect naturally gave him an edge in subjects such as mathematics and the sciences and by the time he was 6, he had already invented a cure for cerebral palsy. As he grew up, he continued to make many great contributions to humanity and received the Nobel Peace Prize when he was only 14 years old. He then set out for college, going not only to Harvard, but to Yale, Brown, Stanford, and other triple A schools all at the same time.
However, it was during his time in college that he experienced a drastic change in his life. One night, the same night he was set to unveil his cure for AIDS, he walked into an internet cafe to meet a friend. As he walked around the cafe, something on one of the monitors caught his eye. He walked over to the computer and examined the display. It was the title screen for a game called "Counter-Strike." Intrigued, he sat down in the chair and after briefly scanning the browser, he connected to one of the servers. After spectating for a couple minutes to get an idea for how it worked, he joined the game. As soon as the round started, Dave's IQ dropped 160 points. He became hopelessly addicted and hopelessly dim. In addition to the intense, realistic gameplay, what he also found so remarkable was how the language that they other players spoke was so similar to the one that he had created. He felt that he was among siblings here and he was well received by the other players.
His friend reminded him that he had a speech scheduled that night where he was supposed to present his AIDS cure, but Dave was no longer interested in that. After frantically pleading with Dave, his friend finally dragged him from his chair and drove him to the auditorium where he was supposed to give his speech. Dave walked onto the stage and in front of several hundred of the world's most respected scientists, he gave his infamous "Science is Gay" speech, where he argued that science was boring and stupid except for the parts where it let you blow stuff up. The audience could only stare at him in shock, but once they had finally recovered they chased Dave out of the building with pitchforks and torches. The AIDS cure was lost.
Dave had become a completely different person. His previous mastery of the English language quickly devolved into a collection of primitive, obnoxiously delivered grunts and bestial shrieks that only vaguely resembled real words. His ability to detect gayness also suffered, becoming highly unreliable and viciously paranoid. Before long, anything and anyone causing Dave even the mildest of discomfort was labeled "gay." The wide range of hobbies that made Dave a well-rounded human being fell by the wayside as his thoughts became dominated solely by Counter-Strike.
The world tried their hardest to forget about him, and eventually, they did. In fact, they began rolling back all of the scientific contributions Dave had made throughout his life so that there would be nothing left as a reminder of him. But none of that mattered to Dave, who was thrilled to find that there was a whole world of online games to explore beyond Counter-Strike. He took all the money he had saved over the years and spent it on First-Person Shooters and Real-Time Strategy Games. Within weeks he had developed a strong bond with the rest of the online gaming community and he soon began taking part in their most sacred traditions, including trash-talking, bodily neglect, and homophobia.
As the months and years went by, Dave continued to get dumber and dumber, the excessive amount of time he spent with other online gamers effectively whittling away what remained of his intelligence. It wasn't long before Dave's brain out-shrunk the online gaming community, forcing him to seek new outlets for his rampant stupidity. Fortunately, YouTube had recently come to prominence. When Dave discovered YouTube, he felt as though he were gazing upon the face of God. Here was the absolute bottom of the barrel in terms of human unintelligence, a community that made even the most obnoxiously homophobic and witlessly idiotic Xbox Live gamers seem like enlightened sages of dignity. The YouTube community provided a literally bottomless well of stupidity which Dave happily cast himself into. There were no limits to how small Dave's brain could shrink, no minimum standard of behaviour to be constrained by. It left him secure in the knowledge that no matter how stupid he got, there was always room for further degradation. He had found a home where he could finally realize his true lack of potential.
And so Dave eagerly joined the YouTube community, effortlessly making himself an definitive member. He roared with laughter at videos of testicular trauma, high school beatings, and newswomen falling out of buckets. He posted barely literate comments laced with obscenities, took part in the harshest cyber-bullying imaginable, threatened young children with rape, and even posted a few videos of his own. Other YouTube members called him a fag and he called them a fag back. God was in his heaven and all was right with the world.
Between online gaming and YouTube, Dave has truly found his niche in life. Once one of the most brilliant and distinguished individuals in the nation, he is now the quintessential young person of the internet age: an abusive, brain-dead illiterate who seeks fleeting personal pleasure at the expense of every other living being on the planet. He couldn't be happier.
