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I've decided to run for governor of California. While it's too late to get my name on the ballot, I think you can still vote for me as a write-in candidate. If not, then I'll start a petition to recall whoever our next governor is so that I can run in the next recall election.
So what will I do for California?
- Fix the budget using lots of cool catch-phrases
- Send all our homeless to Hawaii
- Eliminate all automobiles
- Build a giant earthquake preventing machine
- Take a bite out of leprosy
- Research alternative energy sources such as red hair
- Let people punch me in the face for money
- Children are our future
- Use bears to fight our forest fires
Do I have your vote yet or would you rather get to know me a little better? Want to know where I stand on the issues? Let's find out, because I don't know either.
Here's what I'm for:
- Good
- Children
- All that Jesus stuff
- The common man
- Lesbian marriage
- Balanced budget
- Homes for everyone (If you don't have a home, get out!)
- The Book of Mormon in all hotel rooms
Here's what I'm not for:
- Cancer
- Evil
- Letting you down
- Satan and his illegal ring of succubi
- Air and water pollution
- Partisan bickering
- The resurrection of Hitler
- People who don't get things done
- Big business
- Small business
I want to be your friend. Once elected, I'll come to your house and hang out. We can talk about what's going on in your life and what I can do to help. Tell me what you want me to do for you. Seriously, because I won't know. That's okay though, because if there's one thing I've learned after all these years in California it's that you don't want a politician running your state. You want someone who can give inspirational speeches that don't really have much to do with anything but sound good and who looks cool giving them. I have a two part plan to help me achieve this. First of all, I'll hire a good speech writer. Secondly, I promise to bring a guitar to all of my speeches and jam out electrifying solos as I sing in a high-pitched wail. I'm qualified for this.
So please, vote for me.
Yee-haw,
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