Broken
There's a passage in the bible that goes something like this: "If ye eyes should cause ye to gaze upon another woman lustfully, ye should removeth thine eyes from thy head." I don't remember the exact verse, but it's widely agreed upon by biblical scholars that "another woman" is referring to
American Idol. And indeed, if you have watched this show, and enjoyed it, the only option you have in life is to stab out your eyes, because they can never again be made clean. And to once again quote the bible, "Tis better to not see at all than to see with eyes desecrated by [
American Idol]"
There are two kinds of people who watch this show: those who are actually enthralled by it, and those who watch it only to see Simon chew out some horribly misguided youth. I know those of you in the latter group probably think you're superior to those who really love the show, because after all, you're taking pleasure in the suffering of others. But I'm here to tell you that you're not. In fact, you're actually worse. You know the show is bad but you still support it because you like Simon.
Simon is nothing but a gimmick put there to trick (stupid) cynical people into watching this show. But not even the most vicious insults can bury the fact that, according to Fox's official American Idol site, Simon has "over the past 20 years, shaped what we consider to be modern pop music today. In the last 10 years, Simon, a BMG Record Executive, has been making and breaking records. Cowell has achieved sales of over 25 million albums, over 70 top 30 records and 17 number 1 singles." And you know what all that music he's had a hand in creating and selling was? It was flowery corporate pop music, just like the stuff those bad contestants on American Idol are singing. This stuff is engineered to appeal to as many people as possible and it works. All of those annoying young people who you say torture you with their poorly sung versions of popular songs wouldn't be there torturing you if it weren't for people like Simon. Simon creates this bullshit. He helps make tons of horrible pop albums, which millions of dumbass teenagers just like those annoying contestants go out and buy. Then they become inspired by this music, and because they have absolutely nothing better to do, they want to emulate these singers and try to become famous. Then they decide they can sing and audition for American Idol where they "butcher" songs that were never good to begin with. And it's all thanks to Simon. If you people want a bitter outburst of negativity, then ditch Simon and his creations and go buy an Eyehategod album.
But really, why am I even bothering? I can't stop American Idol. In fact, it's started breeding. Now the WB is doing Superstar USA or something like that, which is probably the single most pathetic immitation I've ever seen. It's proof of the horrible little lives that network executives lead, completely devoid of any creativity (especially at the WB). But I'm sure it won't steal any of American Idol's thunder. The faces of Simon, Paula Abdul, and that fat guy will continue to appear on TV every week. If Simon's bad, I can only imagine what the other two are like. It's probably best that I don't find out, because that would mean I'd have to watch the show. All I know is that Paula Abdul is very ugly. I look at her face and I see worms crawling all over a crumbling skull. No one else does apparently, because millions and millions of people keep watching the show when they could be doing something so much more productive, like learning the alphabet or the multiplication tables. And there's nothing I can do to dwarf it's popularity except wait. It'll just keep going and going until reality TV finally dies and gets replaced by something even more useless. Until then, all I can do is sit back and not watch it. I wish you would join me.
