Broken
I was recently talking about an article I saw where Avril Lavigne was complaining about an attempt by Fred Durst to get her to "bang" him. I had said pretty much everything I originally wanted to say, but then I realized that there was a lot more there than I previously thought. The article I found had a link to
another article that had the full interview from which her comments on Fred Durst were taken. Normally I don't read celebrity interviews, so maybe that's why I was so shocked by how unlikable she was. But whatever the reason, her statements had an impact on me, and I won't be able to sleep again until I respond to them. So here goes.
The interview starts off with the following: "'I swear to god, all I do now is drink vodka straight,' says Avril Lavigne, 19, staring at two empty airline bottles of Ketel One that she raided from her New York hotel room's minibar."
Okay, so we learn something about her right of the bat: she's a thief. You'd think that someone who makes as much money as she does would be able to pay for their own fucking drinks without resorting to theft, but I guess that's not the case. The worst part of this is that she, like so many celebrties often do, probably made all kinds of ridiculous demands of the hotel staff. You know, like when they want security forces greater than those provided to the Queen; or when they want a specific number of M&Ms poured into a series of bowls and divided up by their color; or when they want a tiny hole carved into the ceiling of the top floor and the entire building positioned in such a way as to allow them to look through that hole and see Polaris no matter what day it is. I'm sure Avril has made these same kinds of demands. And so how does she repay them for the highly special treatment they give her? By robbing them. What a role model, eh? Let's move right along:
"How many songs can you play on guitar?
Lots of songs."
That was a satisfying answer. I don't doubt for a minute that you can play the guitar now.
"Hundreds?
I can usually figure out a song by ear, or ask my guitar player to figure it out. People have heard me play Bob Dylan's 'Knockin' on Heaven's Door.' I learned Green Day and Dashboard Confessional songs. I just play along with whatever CD I have in."
Oh, good, some specifics. I was beginning to think you were a liar. But you do realize that there's a big difference between you figuring out how to play a song and your guitar player figuring out how to play a song, don't you? You see, you're one person, and your guitar player is a completely different person. And people have heard you play "Knockin' on Heaven's Door"? Did they happen to see you play it as well? Or did you just close the door to your room and "play" really loudly while a bunch of people stood outside listening? How do we know that was you playing and not your guitar player? And you just play along with whatever CD you're listening to, do you? Well what about when you're on a plane or some other crowded space, seated next to other people, and you're listening on a personal CD player? Those other people are just sitting next to you, minding their own business while you rock out, completely nebulous to the fact that you're jabbing them in the face with the headstock of your guitar. But you don't hear their cries of pain because you're too busy playing along to whatever song you're listening to. So you just keep stabbing them until they're dead.
"Do you hear songs in your dreams?
Yes! I wake up in the middle of the night, and I'll call my cell phone and record something. I wake up in my sleep with a melody, usually. It's so weird. I'm like, 'Fuck! I should record that.' I have a song called 'He Wasn't,' and I came up with the bridge and wrote the words [sings]: 'Na na na na.' I thought it was pretty cool."
Oh, you're brilliant. You're clearly a master of language and second to none when it comes to crafting lyrics. Holy shit. The genius it takes to write something like "na na na na" is not something you see very often. That's the sort of excellence that you just can't learn. You need to be some sort of prodigy who was born with the natural ability to do that. Anyone who says pop music is shallow can start eating their words now.
I was writing lyrics the other day and the best I could come up with was "ma ma ma ma," which is just substandard shit. I'm never even going to try writing lyrics again because I know that no matter how hard I try, I'll never come close to matching the verbal tapestry that Avril Lavigne so skillfully weaves.
"So no new political material?
You know, I have, but it didn't make the record.
No way! What was it about?
The way I wish that people would just come together. Like, 'Why is this planet suffocating?' I talked about a few things that were going on on TV. You remember the serial killer, the sniper dude."
Okay, you lost me there. When I think of politics, the first thing that comes to mind usually isn't "the sniper dude." And nice phrasing, by the way. I'm sure the families of the victims appreciate your delicate treatment of the issue.
"What's your favorite party song?
'Hey Ya!' I have to be careful to keep my clothes on when that song comes on [laughs], especially when I have a few drinks in me."
Way to be a role model. I can imagine all the 12 year old girls who after hearing this, are going to go get hammered, listen to "Hey Ya!", and start ripping their clothes off. Thanks Avril, you just gave a huge boost to child pornography.
That's really all that's worth responding to, so I should probably get going. Maybe now I can finally go to sleep.
