Reality Meltdown
- 11/09/02
So anyway, I was out hanging with my lady friends,("Rowr!") for whom i shall palce a quote up on the quotes page. And finally I decided to go home to my room for a much relaxing day of staying up because I have almost no work to do, and I have moday off for... labor day? Vetrans day? Some holiday that gives me a 3 day weekend. A 3 day weekend without my roomie. AND it's raining! I love rain. I might write another essay about that. Fantastic!
So I enter my room, readjust my computer so I can use it in bed (basically I move the monitor to the edge of the desk, and the keyboard and mouse in front of it). I figure, hey, why get up again, and strip down to my sexy sexy self (aka. Wearing only boxers and a foxy smile); since my ultra super sexy self has one item less (quite possibly the smile). So I get everythign ready, and in thsi spirit of not doing things later when I'm tired, and also in a fit of good orthodontics and hygene, put in my retainers.
Hrrrm, the top edge is kidna rough! Wow, thats weird!
Wait... I don't think that's just the USUAL plaque I can't scrape off, oh no!
Wow, what the fuck is this taste?! It's bitter and stings! What did I eat last night?
Nothing to acocunt for this....
did something... move???!!!
I yank that fucker out, and ants LITERALLY crawl up my hand. I freak out. I slamed those babies back itno the case, looked over at the dresser to see ants, and I hussle my fat ass to the bathroom.
I spit out garbled ant corpses, spit out spit that TASTES like garbled ant corpses, and I wash, wash wash. I fill the retainers with water, dump, fill, and then place it in the bathroom locker.
I fucking scurry back to my room and assess the situation.
Holy fuck.
GoddamnSonOfABitchAssWhoreFucker.
Shit.
So now I wage war. Mostly by moving all the immense food I have stocked up on the wall shelving to the other corner of the room. Then, once all my foodstuffs which are almost all sealed, excluding a bag of cereal.. which, stangely, hasn't been touched, once all that is safe and sound... they meet the new heaven. Paper towel of death! I hammer at their massed troops, removing and deleting their resources.
Sometime during this, I have to stop. There aren't any huge troops anymore, I'm not stopping them from entering. So I find a gap in my window, but how to seal it? I have no caulk... how about glue? My superglue is FUSED shut. Superman couldn't open this if he stuck it under a hot water faucet and used a rubber gripped. So I toss that aside, and grab my only other alternative... White out. Which actually repels them for a little while.
I went and got the RA (Residence Hall Assitant) Ryan. Ryan's all laid back and kosher and nifty and shit. And so he says he's not got any ant killer... BUT he'll try to find something.
Not five minutes later, he and I join forces, armed now with a brownie (distraction) and really cheap hairgel he never uses and got in bulk. Now, I didn't know this before... but ants don't really like hairgel. In fact, they kidna avoid walking on it. So we go nuts, removing routes, blocking off paths, trying to constrain the infestation.
We also moved my bed, my TV, and several other things away from the scene, so I can, resumably, sleep.
In in this wake of destruction, I achieve enlightenment. I have become the ant's angel of divine mercy. I am killing them here, and now. So they can never run in fear. So they may face the challenges of life no matter where they turn. Through my hand of death, I am making them complete, whole, and utterly mutilated. They cannot run from water and rain, oh no. They must face those challenges, or die in a stream of hairgel and papertowels. Their children will hear of me, of the great demon of the red brick rooms, who ripped their granparents to shreds and left only wounded and stylish ants in it's wake. That we used mroe gel than the entire cast of Grease, admirable. That we stemmed and turned the tide using only household products we bought at reduced prices? Priceless.
I took out the trash, and then they found some ant killer at 2 AM. So now I KNOW those fuckers are dead.
Ants fucking suck.
