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March 2003
Reality Meltdown
Waffles
Now, most of you enjoy waffles. Hell, so do I. I love waffles. If waffles came in women shapes, I'd date them. Every time I eat a waffle, it's like travelling to heaven on a magical cloud, able to spit on as many of the little human ants as I'd like. As you can see, my love for waffles is enormous. But wait.. love in the hate column! Never!
It is out of my profound needy longing for waffles that my problem arises. For lo, waffles come from machines. And those machines are evil. Not like "normal" evil - which creeps into your bed and makes squishy sounds... oh no. Waffle evil.
My first war was with the lesser, viler waffle machines. It burned the shit out of my waffle. The next waffle looked perfect, but oh no, it had sneaky hard btis inside, of chared evil! Waiting in ambush to attack me with charred spears of badness! SNEAKY SON OF A BITCH! And the last waffle didn't ding to let me know he was done, and he's permanently burned unto the waffle machines, like victims at Hiroshima. Stupid waffle machines. The war will wage on. We will fight them in the rivers, the valleys, the streams! We will fight them in box, and with a fox, near Courtney Cox! We will smash them into bits, chew them up, urinate on them, and then knock them into the sun! Waffle machines: know I am coming for you.
Broken X23's Enemy of the Week:
The Six Dollar Burger
The Carl's Jr. commercials are stupid enough as it is. But trying to pawn off that "Six Dollar Burger" as a true restaurant quality burger is going a bit too far. No, it doesn't taste anything like the burgers other restaurants have. It's just a regular Carl's Jr. burger with a bigger patty. And what's with calling it "The Six Dollar Burger"? It doesn't even cost $6. Are they trying to surprise people by advertising something as "The Six Dollar Burger" and then offering it at a different price? That's stupid. If there's one thing that people don't like, it's surprises. When I open the trunk to a car, I don't expect to find a frozen corpse, and when I see something that calls itself a "six dollar burger," I don't expect to pay anything other than $6. Doing so raises my blood pressure and that's not good for my health.
The other explanation (and probably the right one) is that they consider their burger to be worth $6 but they decided to be generous by offering it at $3 or something. That's bullshit. This thing is not $6 quality. They should've been honest and called it "The Dollar Twenty-Five Burger." There's something weird about all Carl's Jr. burgers and this one is no exception. I'm not sure what it is exactly but I think it's in the sauce. Why do all these fast food places insist on having some kind of special sauce? Regular sauces taste fine. Secret sauces taste like shit. I bet it's nothing but mustard mixed with relish and that juice you find at the bottom of garbage bags. Demand an end to secret sauces.
Reality Meltdown
All Natural
Many products are made these days. And somehow, the phrase "all-natural" is passed around like the village bicycle. Now, everyone seems to think this is a great idea. Have they BEEN in nature? Nature smells, man. Smells bad. Do people like smelly things? No. They like all natural deodorant to remove bad smells. And all natural shampoo to remove the smell of nature. And all antural laundry detergent to throw into their metal machine of automated cleaning to eradicate all traces of naturalness from their polyester clothing. And whats more, what the hell does all natural mean? From nature? Where do they think we get this stuff! From nature, maybe? And don't pull that synthetic crap... what are sythetic things made from? other, more natural things. So just shut the fuck up!
Broken X23's Enemy of the Week:
Celebrity Interviews
Out of all the different kinds of social exchanges that occur this is probably the worst. I can find few things more difficult to watch than souless little talk show host relentlessly kiss the ass of an even more souless celebrity. This is why the second half of any talk show isn't worth watching. Actually, aside from The Daily Show, the first half usually isn't worth watching either. It's just a vehicle these people (who are about as interesting as the dust on this keyboard) use to plug their latest amazingly horrible movie/TV show. Fortunately, you can't spend a whole interview plugging a movie so they also tell some story about how they accidently gave the cashier they bought their toothpaste from an extra 10 cents while the host pretends to be interested. To him, it's worth the loss of dignity.
Why can't these shows take shots at celebrities instead of working to inflate their egos even further? I realize that once in a while they will, but they usually play it safe by going after some old has-been who no one cares about anymore. I'd like to see them grow some balls and bash someone who's generally well liked and has lots of fans. I'm not saying all celebrities should be attacked, only some of them. And by that I mean whole shitload of them. People like Tara Reid, Vin Diesel, Josh Hartnett, Alec Baldwin, anyone who's ever been in a "teen" comedy, the entire cast of "Friends", and whoever the girl in that Resident Evil movie simply should not be famous.
Reality Meltdown
Pencil Sharpners
I am not the worlds best artist. I use pencils, I doodle on paper. But theres problem in that simple equation. I'm as able to use an unsharpened pencil to draw as I am to rub two pieces of coal together to to make a lump of sweet, cherry flavored gold. It just isn't fuckign happening.
And theres where the almighty fucking pencil sharpener steps in, waving it's candy ass all in my face. I need the damn thign to draw. To draw well, I need a sharp point. I need a strong pencil to issue out some FBI SWAT Team levels of force unto the unsuspecting parchment. I need a pencil sharp and strong enough to penetrate, perpetrate and annihilate in one devastating stroke. I need the wrath of god to be infused into my pencil and to radiate outwards in a firey chain reaction from everything I choose to dignify with my sweep.
And every time, I mean EVERY time I sharpen my pencil with a handheld sharpener, I wind up with this wussy piece of shit job. The wood is all cracked and exposed on one side, so if I push on it, the lead breaks and slips free, trying to escape to Canada with the Fed's in hot pursuit. Or better yet, it's unable to sharpen and keep the point on anyway! Whats the point if I aint got no point?! Or the electric sharpeners. Now they really get me. They do the same thing, but faster, and mroe excessively. In fact, they demolish my pencils so quickly that they get woodchips stuck in them, and are unable to work, ever again. The electric sharpeners get put on welfare, and sit there sucking up disability checks from my tax dollars! The only sharpeners I've ever found to reliably sharpen a pencil are the grade school hand cranks. And how would I look with that mounted to my desk? Like a retard.
Broken X23's Enemy of the Week:
Samurai
I don't like Samurai. I was going to the bank one day to deposit my paycheck when a heavy object suddenly crashed down onto the roof of my car. Now I'm technically not the owner of the car so this meant I was in deep shit with whoever did own it. Needless to say, I was pissed. I got out of the car to see what the hell had hit me and this Samurai standing there on top of the car. He challenged me to a death match and I accepted. We were in the middle of the road on a busy street and there were a bunch of angry motorists honking at us. He drew his katana and I drew my S & W pocket knife. I took a step towards him and he cut off my arm. He then cut off both my legs and my other arm. I was forced to bring him down with my teeth, which I did. I started by catching his sword in my mouth and then tossing it to a nearby drunkard who mixed it into his beer, sold the concoction to a beer company and made billions of dollars. I then chewed off the Samurai's kneecaps and elbows before delivering a headbutt which knocked him down for the count. Having regained my honor, it was time to deposit that paycheck. I couldn't use the car anymore but a mad scientist who was watching the fight lent me his doomsday laser and a jetpack which I used to fly to the bank. I couldn't use the ATM so I had to go into the building, wait in line and deal with the rude bank employees. That made me mad so I used the laser to destroy the moon. Surf's up dudes!
Reality Meltdown
Life, the Musical
Life is not a musical. Actually, life isn't a drama. Life is not on stage. God, and alien life forms, have better shit to do than sit around and watch humanity as the worlds biggest merger of Animal Planent and Reality TV. Life is not on stage, you do not have lines. And I repeat, I repeat you have no singing parts. For christs sake, there is no reason why walking to a car calls for a rendition of anything, from "Air Force One" to "Singing in the Rain". I don't care. Stop. If we all were supposed to be singing for every moment, firstly, we'd all be born with singing voices. Secondly, we'd be given scripts. And thirdly, I'd either be born deaf, with chainsaws for hands, or have done something so heinous in a previous life that a future of burning sulfur in a sewer pipe full of overly obese women while on the Late Show wasn't enough. There isn't any crime enough to deserve that. Quit trying to dramatize life. It's dramatic enough as is. Sing in your cars, to the radio, with your friends. Do not sing because you felt a perfectly wonderful quiet minute of my life was too great to be done without being renditioned in song.
Broken X23's Enemy of the Week:
The Public
Every job I've had so far required that I deal with the public. I don't know why I take jobs like that since I absolutely loathe being anywhere but locked in my room with some good "reading material," but I still do it. My current job at a local fast food joint (it's not McDonalds or any of the other crappy ones) has me within pissing distance of the public for over 8 hours during the few days a week I'm there. Usually I'll just cook things all day but once in a while I'll have to take an order or ring someone up on the register. But no matter what I'm doing, I still hear what people say and it sucks. "I'm 40 and ready to fuck!" should never be said by anything capable of speech, let alone by a huge greasy truck driver who begs for sugar. It's disgusting and I've been impotent ever since. Having people complain about food and prices is bad enough so I don't need to hear this too. Leave your sex life at home with your Girls Gone Wild tapes.
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