|
|
February 2003
Reality Meltdown
Ad Agencies
Since we don't have sponsors, I'd just like to say that ads SUCK. The stupid pop ups, that make pop ups? Uncalled for. Grotesque. Even if they offered a free million dollars and a lapdance from Anna Kornikova (which I wouldn't believe) I still wouldn't click on them. They suck that much.
Broken X23's Enemy of the Week:
Late Night Talk Show Audiences Just one of the reasons I find it difficult to watch late night talk shows. The constant wooing and screaming is one of the most annoying things I've ever had the displeasure of hearing. What's even worse is some of the stuff these people respond to. It seems all you need to do is mention sex, alcohol, or a drug and they'll explode. And then there are also all the little techniques hosts use that are designed specifically to get cheers from the audience. For example, telling a shitty joke and then acting ashamed so that the audience will cheer out of pity, asking them questions, or doing some really easy task (like drinking water) but making a really big deal out of it.
Now, don't give me that shit about how they're just trying to have fun. You can have fun without being a jackass. Just close your mouths and clap if you see something that pleases you. And I'm convinced a lot of the people in these crowds go there only to scream and annoy me instead of actually watching whatever the hell show they're at. They just wait for other people to start cheering at something and then go nuts.
So to recap, I hate late night talk show audiences (especially the ones in LA). Although they have given me a nice idea. I could probably start my own show where I just bounce a pretty red ball with the word "marijuana" on it for an hour. Everyone would love it and I'd make billions.
Reality Meltdown
Flash Strips
We've lost the actual post. But suffice it to say, I hate them.
Broken X23's Enemy of the Week:
Spam from porn sites who get my name wrong
I get countless amounts of junk E-mail every hour and a good portion of that junk mail is from porn sites or businesses trying to sell various male enhancements. One day, while in the process of deleting it all (...almost), one of the subject lines caught my eye. It said something along the lines of "Hey Tom! Cum see 4 Zebras gangbang a two-headed midget!!" Uh, hello? When has my name ever been Tom? It's bad enough that I get nothing but spam everyday, but now they insult me even further by getting my name wrong. A lot of the other spammers seem to know my name, so why don't you? And if you didn't know, you shouldn't have just taken a wild guess like that. Call me by my E-mail address or "sweetie" or something. Did you just assume that because there are a lot of other Tom's out there that I was named Tom too? You couldn't be more wrong. Needless to say, you won't be seeing me at their beastly orgies any time soon.
Reality Meltdown
David Letterman
Broken suggested I follow up his hate post wiht one on David Letterman. I thought I had nothing, but as I urinated, I remembered how I'd rather drink my own urine after eating cancer-ridden spoiled meat than ever meet the man. Actually, my own urine composed of cancer-ridden meat isn't quite as disgusting as David Letterman. Perhaps if it was pissed out by a retarded bear dying of radiation poisoning. Maybe.
David Letterman has all the chrisma of a toilet. He basically grins big, devoid of any thoughts in his head, and shows random crap, generally toilet humor. And sure, it's funny the first time, but after about three little sketches, it begins to grate on your nerves. I don't care if he's on a toilet. or if you cuss that old woman out. Letterman's voice is twice as grating as his content. The idiot little laugh and high pitches noise that is certainly emited from his colon, and is simply one of the most wonderous acts of ventriloquism on night-time television. Not to mention his guests. He treats people on the street like crap, and then sucks up to his guests. Quit brown nosing, Letterman. It's as if to say that the common man is a retard, and all the celebrities deserve to be showered with praise and money. Go! Go lowly peon and throw yourself to you doom so that your celebrities may not have to soil themselves on dirty floors! Screw off, man. He fancies them up like they're so important, and calls everyone else an idiot. He's got the presentation of a jackass, and ... well, he is a jackass. His humor is poor and personality poorer. I can't say anything about his show that is quality above a maggot eating scum sucker soaked in urine and semen for a week.
Broken X23's Enemy of the Week:
Limp Bizkit/Fred Durst
I just wanted to get in a quick word on these guys before they fade into obscurity. My biggest problem with the band is Fred Durst, a strong advocate of white people trying to be black and one of the most annoying frontmen in the history of hard rock. Just look at him for God's sake. How can that little gremlin be anything but annoying? Once you hear his voice it's even worse. And once you hear the music his band plays, you'll actually start to get dumber. Why do you think the youth of this generation are so stupid? Partly because many of them had prolonged exposure to Limp Bizkit.
You'd think Durst, being 30-something years old, would have at least a little wisdom to share with his listeners, but no. Instead he whines out things like "I left my heart in Austin with Mary Campbell. Got lost in Boston lookin' for the tea party. Met a child molester in Worchester. Need a Kleenex every time I'm leavin' Phoenix. I get silly when I play in Philly. Limp Bizkit committee down in Kansas City..." I remember once hearing part of an interview with Fred about their cover of the song "Faith." Fred was saying something about taking a song that was dumb and making it good (although since it was Fred I doubt he said "good." It was probably "dope", or "phat", or "da bomb", or "shamzazzle on da hiz bizzle"). I'd like to point out that Limp Bizkit also has the ability to take songs that don't exist and turn them into some of the biggest pieces of crap anyone's ever heard. Songs like "Intro", "Pollution", "Counterfeit", "Stuck", "Nobody loves me", "Sour", "Stalemate", "Clunk", "Stinkfinger", "Indigo Flow", "Leech", "Everything", their other "Intro" track, "Just Like This", "Nookie", "Break Stuff", "Re-Arranged", "I'm broke", "Nobody Like You", "Don't Go Off Wandering", "9 Teen 90 Nine", "N 2 Gether Now", "Trust", "No Sex", "Show Me What You Got", "A Lesson Learned", "Outro", their other other "Intro" track, "Hot Dog", "My Generation", "Full Nelson", "My Way", "Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)", "Livin' It Up", "The One", "Getcha Groove On", "Take A Look Around", "It'll Be Ok", "Boiler", "Hold On", "Rollin' (Urban Assault Vehicle)", and their other "Outro" track.
Also of annoyance to me is Fred Durst's behavior at award shows. I remember a few instances where Limp Bizkit won an award (award shows are a cesspool of corruption) and instead of going up as a band, Fred Durst went up by himself. And there was that touching duet with Christina Aguilera. Then in a later interview he was talking about how much he hated her kind of music, trying to redeem himself because people were accusing him of selling out. I have one question for those people who accused Fred of selling out. Why did it take a duet with Christina Aguilera to convince you that Limp Bizkit/Fred Durst had sold out? I would've thought the release of their first album would be enough for a sell-out. And after their billions of appearances on MTV, you had no excuse to not turn your back on them since everything on MTV these days is crap. Now their guitarist has left and it looks like their popularity is waning. At least they can look forward to lots of VH1 specials in 10 years. VH1 loves talking about those horrible 80's pop metal bands and nu-metal is the 90's equivalent of that. VH1 is almost as bad as MTV.
Reality Meltdown
Valentines Day Candy
Valentines day has come and gone, and I'm sure you all wonder what I think about it. Valentines day is a fucking crock. Now, lets go for the usual hated aspects. And anyone who fucking says being alone on Valentines day gets a sharp knife on a stick to their rectum. If you can't survive alone, don't drag someone down with you. Seriously. If you can't deal with yourself, I don't think anyone else should have to even TRY. How about the sappy love stories and disgustingly red color motif? Those also suck. I mean, red isn't so bad... blood is red. And everyone likes violence. But with the lovedovey motif, it's just plain nauseous. But no, it takes a real man to buckle down and complain about the most important irking thing about valentines day:
Chalk candy.
What kinda pansy jackass holiday makes it statement by giving you pieces of chalk for food? It's just sugary enough to keep eating, but foul tasting. And they write comments on them that I'd expect more out of a preteen AOL chat room. "I wuv u". I see better stuff done by computer nerds with the terms "l33t" on it. It dries out your mouth, too. So you got this slightly sugary piece of shit candy, and that's IT. Everything else is just love-fiesta food. What a fucking crock.
Broken X23's Enemy of the Week:
That Verizon Wireless "Don't Trip" Commercial
I'll admit that I don't remember much about this commercial. I think it's still being aired so I guess I could watch it again so that I could do a more thorough analysis, but the few times that I have seen it are enough to make me throw up every time I see a word beginning with the letter V. Actually, I don't think I've even seen the commercial in it's entirety. What I have seen though, is the last few seconds, and that's where my problem is. I don't know the details of what happens in the commercial, all I know is that the woman sees a message on the guy's phone thing that reads "DoNt TrIp U LuV HEr?!?!?!?!?!1/@?!" If you have a soul and just a tiny amount of brain, you'll be too disgusted after reading that to notice the stupid little sight gag where the woman proceeds to trip (it would have been funnier if she had broken something or exploded). I've seen a number of other advertisments for these messenger things where people "communicate" in a style similar to the one I just quoted. You could argue that since the space allowed for messages is so limited, you need to use little shortcuts like that but frankly, I don't care. It looks stupid and if someone sent me a message like that I'd come after them with a shovel.
I think it's extremely irresponsible of these companies to be encouraging people to act like this. 90% of the people who communicate over the internet already type like that, and I don't need these dumbass phone companies who think they know what's "hip" convincing even more people to do the same. Now, some may say that my grammar leaves something to be desired too and they may have a point, but not once have I ever spelled "love" as "luv" or "you" as "u."
|
