Steven Zimmerman: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Zach Wingerter: Steven? Steven?!?!?
[Zach looks down elevator shaft, sees nothing]
Zach: Hmm... [turns around and looks out window]
[Sound of elevator opening, Billy Russell steps out]
Billy Russell: Hi, I’m Billy.
Zach: Um, okay…
Billy: I’m Steven’s clone.
[Cheesy orchestrated music, similar to the beginning of “Days of Our Lives”]
Zach: [looking up] Wow, our logo looks pretty cool.
Billy: You know… our intro made about as much sense as Z-Men did all last year.
Zach: HEY - just cuz Steven graduated doesn’t mean you have to make fun of us…
Billy: What do I know? I’m just a sophomore…
Zach: Speaking of sophomores… do you know what the slow moving sophomores remind me of?
Billy: Yes.
Zach: You do?? What do they remind me of then?
Billy: I don’t really know… I just figured if I said “yes” then I wouldn’t have to listen to you…
Zach: I’m gonna ignore that… they remind me of those parts on “Baywatch” where the people run in slow motion.
Billy: Baywatch… yeah, I like the bagels on there.
Zach: ... what are you talking about???
Billy: You know... the birds...
Zach: You mean gulls? Oh… bay gulls… I see what you’re saying.
Billy: No you don’t. Words are invisible.
Zach: ...anyway, why in the world do the “Baywatch” writers and filmers put in that slow motion running stuff?? There’s no way that one guy makes a habit of running by the water’s edge with his shirt off every night as the sun is setting…
Billy: There are guys on that show?
Zach: Yep. But anyway, that’s who the sophomores remind me of.
Billy: So what are you gonna do about it?
Zach: If I had this school to myself, it’d be so much cooler.
Billy: How so?
Zach: Well, first of all, to eliminate hallway congestion, I’d give everyone a golf cart.
Billy: Don’t you think that would make the hallways crowded?
Zach: It wouldn’t be any worse than it is right now...
Billy: Then they’d have to take down all the signs that say “School violence is not a joke” and replace them with “Save some gas, carpool to class!”
Zach: Yeah, plus golf carts have that calming “whirrrh” sound.
Billy: Do they have horns?
Zach: No, but Bulls do.
Billy: Seriously? Wow!
Zach: I don’t think golf carts have horns at least... but we could make CUSTOM CARTS!
Billy: Or we could get those horns from bicycles… WONKA WONKA!
Zach: I’d also revamp the gym classes.
Billy: How so?
Zach: California kickball every day.
Billy: There’s nothing like kicking a 6-run homer to brighten your day.
Zach: I bet Bubba Trammell could do it.
Billy: Or Anna Kournikova.
Zach: LET IT BE KNOWN TO THE HUMAN RACE THAT I DID NOT START THE ANNA DISCUSSION THIS YEAR.
Billy: Who were you yelling to?
Zach: The readers.
Billy: You’re so dumb. I must’ve gotten all the brains in the family. Don’t you know that written words make no sound? Plus, nobody reads this crap...
Zach: Big words from a guy wearing a pink cowboy hat.
Billy: [Taking off cowboy hat] I’m just a little late for Western Day, all right?
Zach: Whatever.
Billy: If I were in charge of the school, I’d have everyone wearing cowboy hats.
Zach: Why in the world would -
Billy: YYYEEEEEEEEEEE HHHHHAAAAAAAWWWWWW!!!!!
[Zach glares at Billy]
Billy: Sorry…
Zach: Why in the world would you want to wear cowboy hats every day??
Billy: To keep the bagels off your head!!
Zach: Go away.
Billy: Okay.
[Billy leaves]
Zach: Well I guess that’s all for our first edition of Too Stupid Guys. We’ll see you next month - until then, visit us at toostupidguys.z-men.net and -
[Billy comes back]
Billy: 145 pounds.
Zach: I’m speechless. What in the world are you talking about?!?!?!?!
Billy: You told me to go weigh!
Zach: ARGH! I’m leaving.
[Zach leaves]
Billy: Wait for me! There’s a rerun of “California Dreams” on!
[Billy leaves]
