ÿWPCë ,E|¢0¨¶¯}õ[YMÜžXV@=ˆT?²jIú9ƒ¶C"i伉Qé‡7Óe™fA(±|E×7Û#RsQ»Q{¥ººÊ+C;ãqx2†¡f·^B¿ 2îiùÌ,íjz2ÂVËuÄ )e~[ÑØÖæ³npÞ×UµâJÛˆŠ9]ê8Àÿ ì¯ÿ~¿´-ËjõV2à äüWê]¤@Dœ‚Ôº@”Ÿwž…©Ÿê\‘î:]Ü=HÑÃÑ XUùuˆˆÐÜÜ©ñ ŠM@ËCŒò‡ù7JarÇ`>©Ì výª ½œ5ߌÑ@>feÑ´œ)ºüLB`;yàÛàNªQvÚ–!u}zåÅÈYO5`S¤ N(ÕÙ–!ÿÝ^›JØ.öÑÜŸý ßõæ›Pˆ8ÐØMf–ЋÕûÕ ^T’b2BÙ{=YHQÇ;ä$ßýºàæƒr/µ ¸Tÿ7*ù<! òŸ—z Æ •þäpsùdËKÝ®*µŽ¾¹0~_M ÿ9Ý—…UÐïq½9mî˜ÜÉŸzï9|£uû8ût_(h{2·sQï÷!ªÕ™‘“£¯Ìî„£Ž2³¿X²á\‰"Ü‚#!àUN %O 0(UM}U>wR¿4%4 m6LM 0D™NÝ^ ߘBrother HL-1030 series,È,,,,,È0(  Z‹6Times New Roman RegularX($¡¡ô\  `&Times New Roman ?€@EABCDEEFEGEHIJEKs“+¢Ø+003|xKÿU‹ÿÀÀÀ BÝ ƒ ¯'ÝÝ  ÝÔ_ÔHeather€Seanor€(26„794)(3¯$§§Ý ƒ!ÝÝ  ÝÙŽF+cÝ ƒ!ÝÝ  ÝÔ_ÔÓ?+Ü Ü4Œ ä <”ìDœôL¤ü!°œX?ÓÔ‡XéfXXXÔÑ8€éfXdìdÈ8ÑÖ€ ÿÿÖÌÌñ@ñÌÌñ?ñà  àñ?ññ?ñà ` àñ?ññ?ñà ¸ àñ?ññ?ñà  àñ?ññ?ñà h àñ?ññ@ñÌà@ÔÔ$ìàòòJOURNAL€ESSAYóóˆÐ ( Ä Ðà  àà ` àà ¸ àà  àà h à€€€€€€€May€14,€2001ÌÌÔ#†XéfXXXéfj#ÔÔ‡XéfXXXéfÔÓÓà  àMr.€Ô_ÔZigglerÔ_Ô€wants€us€to€write€añIñnñIñ€informal€ñAñð ðñAñessayñBñððñBñ€in€our€journal€about€a€person€that€hasÐ ì ˆ Ðinspired€us.€€ñDññCñItððs€ñCññCñsupposed€ñCññCñto€ñCññCñbeñCññDññEñI€like€to€write.€€ñEñIððm€sure€he€thinking€of€a€positive€role€model€like€Ô_ÔOprahÔ_Ô,€Ô_ÔMiaÔ_Ô€Hamm,Ïor€my€Uncle€Wayne€whoððs€a€Ô_ÔpedeatricianÔ_Ô.€€After€some€serious€thought€I€decided€that€the€personÏwho€has€inspired€me€the€most€is€my€mother€because€sheððs€an€alcoholic.€€And€this€essay€will€prettyÏmuch€talk€about€the€bad€that€goes€along€with€living€with€my€mother€and€how€she€has€inspired€meÏnot€to€be€just€like€her.Ìà  àAlright.€€Here€goes€nothing€I€guess.Ìà  àTo€begin€with,€to€most€people,€I€probably€seem€like€a€òòóóregular€fifteen€year€old€girl€in€tenthÐ Ôp Ðgrade.€€When€I€was€younger,€I€thought€that€all€families€were€made€up€of€a€mom,€a€dad,€aÏdaughter,€a€son,€and€some€sort€of€pet€with€a€goofy€name.€€I€been€taking€care€of€my€brother€DannyÏsince€I€was€nine.€€Thatððs€when€Dad€left€us€with€nothing€but€a€dirty€little€house.€€Even€still,€thatððsÏbetter€than€what€some€people€have.€€Mom€had€to€get€a€job€to€support€Danny€and€I.€€Sheððs€hadÏfour€or€five€jobs€since€then€I€think.€€Ìà  àNot€too€long€after€my€dad€left,€this€guy€Dirk€moved€in€and€my€mom€started€drinking€a€lotÏmore.€€Which€was€more€than€she€did€when€she€and€my€dad€were€together.€€I€know€that€my€dadððsÏmother€was€an€alcoholic€too,€and€I€also€know€that€kids€of€alcoholics€have€a€good€chance€of€beingÏone€themselves.€€(Not€me€though.€€No€way.)€€I€guess€all€thatððs€besides€the€point.€€Dirk€and€MomÏwould€stay€up€all€night€doing€shots€of€whatever€until€they€passed€out.€€One€morning€I€found€themÐ D+à$( ÐÔ_Ôbare€naked€on€the€living€room€floor€and€covered€them€with€a€brown€Mexican€blanket€beforeÏDanny€saw.€€You€can€call€me€overprotective€if€you€want€to.€€But€I€had€to€grow€up€Ô_ÔañFñ€ñFñlotÔ_Ô€faster€thanÏthe€kids€I€know€at€school.€€It€sure€isnððt€easy€taking€on€the€mother€role€when€I€want€to€hang€outÏwith€friends€or€join€an€after„school€club€but€I€do€it€for€Danny€because€heððs€too€little€to€doÏeverything€for€himself.Ìà  àI€liked€Dirk.€€He€didnððt€swear€in€front€of€us€like€Mom€does.€€He€made€sure€the€bills€wereÏpaid€on€time€(for€the€most€part),€and€he€even€tossed€around€an€old€football€with€Danny€once€in€aÏwhile.€€One€night€Dirk€came€into€my€bedroom€to€talk€about€Mom.€€I€cried€and€he€hugged€me.€€IÏknow€he€felt€bad€for€us€kids.Ìà  àð ðYou€get€drunk€too,ðð€I€said€to€him.Ìà  àð ðYeah,€but€I€can€control€myself.ðð€€Ìà  àð ðCanððt€you€make€her€stop?€€What€if€you€donððt€drink€with€her?ðð€Ìà  àð ðI€donððt€all€the€time.€€She€donððt€need€anyone€to€drink€with€her,€Ô_ÔErikaÔ_Ô.ððÌà  àð ðI€wish€you€could€control€her.ðð€€Ìà  àð ðI€control€myself.€€The€alcohol€controls€her,ðð€he€said.Ìà  àUnfortunately,€about€five€months€or€so€after€that€conversation€Dirk€left€us.€€Mom€madeÏhim€leave.€€I€heard€him€yelling€at€her€one€night€because€she€was€cursing€at€him€because€he€didnððtÏhave€any€more€money€to€give€her.€€She€was€calling€him€all€kinds€of€bad€names€that€she€shouldÏhave€been€calling€herself,€really.€€(Mom€has€a€Ô_ÔtendancyÔ_Ô€to€yell€and€get€really€mad€when€sheððsÏdrunk€and€canððt€have€her€way€all€the€time.)€€All€of€sudden,€he€threw€her€cheap€bottle€of€vodkaÏagainst€the€wall.€€She€tackled€him€and€knocked€out€his€tooth.€€There€was€blood€all€over€him€andÐ D+à$( Ðthe€floor.€€Danny€started€crying€and€hugging€my€waist€but€I€didnððt€know€what€to€do€so€I€justÏstood€there€like€I€was€frozen,€like€in€a€scary€movie€when€the€killer€is€walking€toward€the€victimÏand€the€victim€canððt€do€anything€but€stand€and€scream.€€I€tried€to€cover€his€ears€is€all€I€could€do.€ÏMom€walked€away€like€nothing€happened.€€I€gave€Dirk€an€old€towel€to€help€stop€the€bleeding.€ÏWe€havenððt€seen€him€since.Ìà  àI€learned€about€alcoholics€in€Health€class€last€year.€€It€seemed€like€someone€had€wrñGñittenñGññHñoteñHñÏabout€my€mom€in€the€textbook.€€What€it€said€was€that€some€alcoholics€are€happy€and€carefree.€ÏThen€there€are€those€like€my€mom€they€always€make€Ô_ÔpiecrustÔ_Ô€promises,€get€violent€on€occasion,Ïand€blame€other€people€or€things€for€their€life€being€crappy.€€Many€alcoholics€have€jobs€andÏfunction€in€society„„they€donððt€have€to€be€the€stereotypical,€Ô_ÔbummyÔ_Ô€slobs€on€the€street€corner.€€Ìà  àFrom€my€own€experience,€I€know€I€canððt€control€my€momððs€drinking€or€cure€her.€ÏSometimes€I€lay€in€bed€and€I€wish€I€could€turn€into€a€Ô_ÔsuperheroÔ_Ô€and€change€things€because€thisÏstupid€disease€is€effecting€the€whole€family.€€She€doesnððt€get€òòdrunkóó€everyday€but€I€see€her€drinkÐ „  Ðeveryday.€€Sometimes€she€can€be€pleasant€and€we€all€get€along.€€But€other€times,€she€gets€so€madÏover€the€most€stupidest€things€that€I€think€she€must€be€going€crazy.€€And€there€are€other€timesÏwhen€I€want€to€feel€sorry€for€her€when€sheððs€crying€and€being€nice€to€us.€€That€sorry€feeling€justÏdoesnððt€come€all€the€time€because€its€too€hard€to€forgive€her€for€being€mean€and€irresponsible.Ìà  àòòóóI€wonððt€say€I€want€a€òònormalóó€mother.€€The€Carol€Brady€kind€is€not€realistic€to€me€anyway.€€Ð ¼%X" ÐI€just€want€the€kind€of€mother€who€cares€about€her€kids€and€herself.€€For€example,€the€kind€thatÏpicks€me€up€from€school€and€takes€me€to€the€mall€to€buy€new€shoes€or€teaches€me€how€to€bakeÏbrownies€or€shows€me€how€to€do€anything€useful€really.€€Mine€hardly€even€speaks€to€me.€€AndÐ D+à$( Ðwhen€she€does€its€usually€to€boss€me€around.€Ìà  àOne€night€about€a€year€ago€Danny€and€I€were€cleaning€up€the€kitchen.€€We€heard€a€carÏspin€wheels€on€the€street€then€Mom€came€stumbling€through€the€door.€€Neither€one€of€us€saidÏanything€to€her€because€she€had€promised€to€be€home€to€make€dinner€for€us.€€Before€she€left€forÏwork€she€was€excited€about€it.€€Then€that€all€changed.Ìà  àð ðCanððt€you€say€hello€to€your€mother?ððÌà  àð ðHello,€Mother,ðð€I€said€to€the€dishes.Ìà  àð ðLook€at€me!€€Ô_ÔWhodayaÔ_Ô€think€youððre€talking€to?ðð€€A€drunk€lunaticòò.€€óóI€thought,€as€sheÐ Lè  Ðgrabbed€my€arms€and€shook€me.€€Then€she€turned€toward€Danny€and€cursed€him€for€looking€likeÏour€father.€€Before€I€could€react€she€shoved€my€face€into€the€dirty€dishwater€and€mashed€my€noseÏinto€the€sink.€€Danny€pushed€her€away€then€she€started€throwing€Grandmaððs€crystal€animalÏfigurines€on€the€floor,€knocking€stuff€off€the€counter,€and€causing€a€huge€mess€that€Danny€and€IÏhad€to€clean€up.€€I€cried€later€about€the€crystal€animals€because€she€smashed€them€to€pieces.€€MomÏknew€I€really€liked€those€figurines€too.€€I€stood€there€dripping€dirty€dishwater€all€on€the€floor€like€IÏwas€frozen.€€For€example,€just€like€that€time€with€Dirk€and€his€tooth.€€Even€though€sheððs€made€meÏso€mad€and€upset€over€the€past€however€many€years,€I€have€never€tried€to€hurt€her€Ô_ÔdeliberitelyÔ_Ô.€ÏTalk€about€growing„up€quick.€€Later€that€night€I€saw€her€on€the€couch,€rocking€back€and€forth,Ïhugging€herself.€€She€was€mumbling€something€that€sounded€like€ð ðsorryðð€but€I€never€got€anyÏcloser.€€That€was€one€of€those€times€I€kind€of€wanted€to€feel€sorry€for€her,€but€she€had€physicallyÏhurt€me€and€I€just€couldnððt€do€it.Ìà  àThat€time€in€the€kitchen€was€the€first€incident€like€that.€€Thereððs€been€a€couple€more€prettyÐ D+à$( Ðsimilar€like€when€Danny€hurt€his€arm€playing€baseball.€€Instead€of€comforting€him,€she€told€him€toÏbe€a€man.€€(If€she€hadnððt€been€drinking€I€donððt€think€she€would€have€said€that.)€€I€€pushed€him€intoÏthe€bathroom,€filled€up€the€sink€with€cold€water,€added€some€ice,€and€made€him€soak€his€arm€forÏtwenty€minutes.€€Iððm€not€sure€how€I€knew€to€do€that,€but€I€did.€€Mom€really€made€me€mad.€€SheÏdidnððt€even€care€that€he€was€hurt.€€That€sucks€big€time.€€Ìà  àFurthermore,€itððs€stuff€like€that€Ô_ÔthatÔ_Ô€makes€my€mom€so€inspirational.€€My€mom€works€sixÏhours€a€day,€five€days€a€week€at€a€coffee€shop€a€few€blocks€away.€€I€guess€she€makes€pretty€goodÏmoney.€€Even€there€Iððm€sure€she€sneaks€whatever€cheap€liquor€she€has€into€her€tea.€€She€wonððtÏdrink€coffee€because€she€says€itððs€bad€for€the€body.€€When€the€bills€need€to€be€paid,€thereððs€alwaysÏher€checkbook€and€a€note€on€the€table€telling€me€to€deposit€the€money€and€pay€the€bills.€€I€must€beÏfair€and€say€that€now€my€mom€makes€sure€thereððs€enough€money€for€food€and€bills.€€Two€yearsÏago,€my€Uncle€Wayne€had€to€bail€us€out€of€hot€water€almost€every€month.Ìà  àGrandma€asked€me€once€if€I€wanted€to€live€with€her€and€Poppy€in€St.€Louis,€but€I€told€herÏthat€I€couldnððt€do€that.€€She€sends€me€money€to€buy€Danny€new€clothes€when€he€needs€them,Ïschool€supplies,€and€what€she€calls€odds€and€ends.€€Also,€Uncle€Wayne€drops€by€every€otherÏmonth€or€so€to€talk€with€Mom.€€Heððs€my€momððs€brother€Uncle€Wayne€also€takes€Danny€twice€aÏseason€to€watch€the€Phillies€play.€€Thatððs€something€Danny€looks€forward€to€all€year€long.Ìà  àI€used€to€wonder€why€my€family€members€donððt€force€my€mom€to€get€help.Ìà  àð ðWeððve€all€tried,ðð€Uncle€Wayne€told€me€during€a€visit.€€ð ðShe€doesnððt€want€to€hear€anythingÏwe€have€to€say.€€Tells€us€to€stay€out€of€it.€€She€says,€I€pay€the€bills.€€Those€kids€donððt€starve.€IððmÏsorry,€Ô_ÔErikaÔ_Ô.ððÐ D+à$( Ðà  àI€asked€why€he€keeps€trying.€€He€asked€why€I€didnððt€move€to€St.€Louis.Ìà  àð ðBecause€I€love€her,ðð€I€whispered.Ìà  àð ðMe€too.ðð€à ¸ àÐ  ° Ðà  àð ðSheððs€not€drunk€all€the€time€and€when€sheððs€not,€I€really€like€being€around€her.€€Sheððs€aÏgood€cook.€€And€she€and€I€get€all€dressed€up€in€her€good€clothes€sometimes€and€put€on€tons€ofÏmake„up.€€Thatððs€fun.ððÌà  àð ðSounds€like€it,€kid,ðð€Uncle€Wayne€said€and€he€hugged€me.Ìà  àð ðIt€just€seems€like€she€hates€us€more€than€she€loves€us.ððÌà  àð ðDonððt€question€whether€or€not€she€loves€you,€Ô_ÔErikaÔ_Ô.€€Your€dad€was€no€good€for€her€orÏanyone€else.€€Itððs€too€bad€that€she€let€herself€get€sucked€into€all€of€this.€€Now€she€canððt€get€out.ððÌà  àð ðAnd€thatððs€her€fault,ðð€I€said.Ìà  àð ðYes.€€Thatððs€her€fault.ððÌà  àBelieve€me€when€I€say€that€I€have€asked€my€mom€to€get€help,€but€itððs€like€she€doesnððt€evenÏhear€what€Iððm€saying.€€It€makes€no€sense€to€me„„maybe€it€makes€sense€to€her,€I€donððt€know.€€SheÏwonððt€even€try€to€help€herself.€€Mom€has€her€up€days€and€down€days,€but€most€of€the€time€sheÏhardly€notices€my€existence.€€For€example,€when€sheððs€sobber€and€home€then€sheððs€usuallyÏwatching€television€or€talking€on€the€phone.€€If€she€ever€asks€about€school€I€tell€her€whatððs€goingÏon,€but€she€seems€bored€with€what€Iððm€saying.€€That€makes€me€study€harder€so€I€can€stop€thinkingÏabout€her€and€her€problems€because€I€have€a€life€to€live€myself.€€And€I€want€it€to€be€a€better€lifeÏthan€the€one€she€has.Ìà  à€Basically,€I€am€a€fifteen€year€old€with€no€real€social€life.€€I€hang€out€with€friends€fromÐ D+à$( Ðschool€once€in€a€while€on€the€weekends.€€A€lot€of€the€time€they€just€want€to€drink€some€beer.€€IÏhate€that.€€Iððm€not€about€to€tell€them€about€my€mom€though€because€I€would€be€Ô_ÔhumilliatedÔ_Ô.€ÏSometimes€I€stick€around€a€party€and€not€drink€anything€with€alcohol.€€It€scares€me.€€My€friendsÏthink€that€Iððm€allergic€to€alcohol€because€thatððs€what€I€told€them€to€get€out€of€being€pressured€toÏdrink.€€To€add€to€that,€Iððd€really€rather€not€start€killing€any€brain€cells€at€fifteen.€€AND€I€donððtÏwant€to€end€up€like€my€mother€or€like€Dean€Davis„„heððs€paralyzed€from€the€waist€down€fromÏdriving€drunk€after€Rob€Greenððs€party€last€month.€€Unfortunately,€he€killed€a€married€couple€thatÏhad€a€three„month„old€baby€girl€with€them.€€It€was€horrible.€Ìà  àDanny€and€I€cannot€have€friends€come€to€the€house.€€Danny€wants€his€little€friends€toÏspend€the€night€and€make€sleeping€bag€forts€and€be€a€nine€year€old€boyòò.€€óóHe€canððt.€€I€canððt€haveÐ ü˜ Ðany€friends€over€to€listen€to€CDs€or€watch€movies.€€It€feels€like€our€lives€are€being€put€on€holdÏbecause€of€something€my€mom€doesnððt€want€to€give€up.€€We€arenððt€able€to€lead€normal€livesÏbecause€we€have€an€alcoholic€mother.€€Maybe€if€my€dad€wasnððt€an€alcoholic€too€then€MomÏwouldnððt€be€the€way€she€is.€€And€because€he€left€her€with€us€on€her€own,€sheððs€very€angry.€€ThatððsÏwhat€I€think,€anyway.€€Poppy€never€liked€my€dad€because€he€feels€like€my€dad€dragged€my€momÏdown€the€tubes.€€Thatððs€kind€of€what€Uncle€Wayne€said€too.€€I€just€canððt€understand€why€my€momÏdoesnððt€want€to€help€herself€get€better.€€I€hear€her€crying€pretty€often.€€Mumbling€to€herself,Ïsaying€sorry€about€this€and€that.€€This€just€doesnððt€make€any€sense.€€Sometimes€I€go€to€her€and€letÏher€hug€me€and€pat€my€hair€down€and€sometimes€I€just€let€her€feel€alone.€€(Sheððs€the€cheeseð!ðsheÏstands€alone.)€€However,€I€do€want€to€hug€her€back€and€really€love€to€be€with€her,€but€she€makesÏthat€too€hard€and€I€get€pushed€away€then€I€feel€bad€so€I€go€read€something€or€do€my€homeworkÐ D+à$( Ðover€again.Ìà  àIn€addition,€itððs€not€fair.€€I€could€leave€Danny€to€fend€for€himself.€€I€could€worry€about€myÏmother€until€I€make€myself€sick.€€However,€that€would€cause€my€grades€to€fall€and€I€òòwill€notóó€letÐ  ° Ðher€sickness€ruin€my€future.€€Someone€has€to€be€responsible.€€When€Momððs€crying€and€screamingÏand€tearing€things€apart€I€clean€up€her€mess.€€And€now€Danny€seems€to€be€turning€into€a€neatÏfreak.€€For€example,€goes€around€the€house€with€a€dust€cloth€when€he€comes€home€from€school.€ÏHe€makes€sure€everything€is€in€place€for€when€Mom€gets€home.€€Maybe€he€thinks€thatððll€help€herÏsomehow€me,€Iððm€either€studying€or€reading€something.€€I€try€to€make€sure€that€sheððs€up€in€timeÏto€get€to€work.€€Sometimes€she€drinks€so€much€she€òòcannotóó€get€up€on€time€and€has€to€go€in€late.€Ð $À ÐAs€a€result,€thatððs€how€she€got€fired€from€her€other€jobs.€Ìà  àWhen€school€gets€out€in€a€few€months,€€Iððll€be€working€at€the€community€center.€Being€aÏday€camp€counselor€for€five€weeks€should€be€fun€and€Danny€gets€to€attend€the€camp€for€free.€€WeÏboth€like€that€idea.€€Plus,€Iððll€be€making€$6.50€an€hour€so€thatððs€pretty€good€moneyòò€óófor€a€six€hourÐ „  Ðday€playing€games€with€fourth€and€fifth€graders.€€Ìà  àTo€conclude,€when€I€told€Mom€about€the€job€she€actually€smiled€then€told€me€to€makeÏsure€I€kept€the€house€clean.€€I€rolled€my€eyes,€but€not€so€she€could€see.€€And€she€even€drove€me€toÏWal„Mart€so€I€could€get€some€new€khaki€shorts€and€two€red€tee€shirts.€€Of€course,€when€we€gotÏhome,€she€made€herself€a€drink.€€My€mom€may€not€be€a€good€role€model,€but€sheððs€a€òògreatÐ ¼%X" ÐóóinspiratioñJñn.Ð ”'0!$ ÐñJññKñn.ñKññJñÌñJñÔ#†XéfXXXéf#Ô