Invading the Fellowship

Part Six

 

"Okay," Gandalf said, leading them into the cave.

"Do I even wanna know what I'm stepping in?" Sami made a face.

"Water." Megan pointed. "No…wait…"

"x.x EW!" Sami leapt onto Ewan's back, nearly knocking him over. Gimli was crying for some reason about dead people.

"Oh, woe is me!" he sobbed into Boromir's shoulder.

"O.o…they're starting to creep me out," Megan whispered to Oliver.

"Yeah, I know," he whispered back.

"We will be traveling through Moria for about four days," Gandalf spoke.

"Then I shall fast for forty days and forty nights." Aragorn looked up toward the ceiling.

"He said FOUR, not FORTY!" Renee hollered at him.

"Oh." He blinked. So further on into Moria they went. After some complaining from Pippin and fights from the Elves, they finally made it to the three tunnels.

"Hmm…" Gandalf sat down. "I will find us the way." Then he fell asleep.

"Haldir, where's Gollum?" Katie asked.

"He's sneaking around," Sam grumbled.

"Be nice!" Katie glared at him. Sam pulled out his pitchfork, and Katie hid behind Haldir. Haldir picked up Sam and dragged him behind a rock.

"Haha…go fish, Pippin," Merry said, as he, Pippin, Link, and Legolas were playing with the cards again. The others were playing "tag" on broomsticks.

"Aw, crap," Pippin grumbled.

 

***

 

            "Guys, this is Raziel," #2 introduced. "He'll be one of us now."

            "Great," #8 said. "You like surfing?"

            "Somewhat," Raziel somehow said. "Don't you do anything else?"

            "Uh…" #5 thought. "We surf 'n' look pretty."

            "What about catching that hobbit?"

            "Oh yeah, that too," #4 remembered. "We gotta go to Lothlórien then."

 

***

 

            "We've been here for three days and three nights," Megan growled. "I wanna get outta here!"

            "I'm trying to find the way," Gandalf said, then fell asleep again.

            "I'm sick of this cave," Katie grumbled. "Egg roll!" She snapped her fingers and the plothole appeared.

            "Nifty," Sami commented. Katie reached in, then pulled out a little blonde kid dressed in some sort of mage clothing with a hair sticking up in the back.

            Renee sighed. "By the end of this there'll be more people than we know what to do with!"

            "Guys, this is Ivan! ^o^" Katie introduced, patting the boy on the back. "He'll be a great help."

            "What does he do?" Oliver questioned.

            "Watch." Katie turned to Ivan. "Can you do us a favor and find out which tunnel we should go through?"

            "Sure." Ivan looked carefully at all of the tunnels. "That one." He gestured to one on the right.

            "It's that one!" Gandalf cried, springing awake. He was pointing to the same one Ivan was.

            "Ahem…bit late, there," Megan told him.

            "Will someone please get this…thing off me?" Ewan tugged at Gollum, who was perched on his head, gnawing at something, probably a fishstick.

            "C'mere, Gollum," Katie called. It jumped off Ewan's head and into scuttled into Haldir's backpack. "Where'd you run off to?"

            "Was sneakin.' " Gollum stuck his tongue out at Sam. Sam pulled out his pitchfork, but Gollum pulled out a shotgun. Sam freaked out and ran behind Frodo.

            "Where is he getting all of these weapons?" Sami asked, once again on Ewan's back.

            "Probably a plothole," Pippin suggested.

            "Scary," Renee remarked. "They're using our terminology."

            "Come," Haldir called to them. "We must venture into the tunnel. Don't be left behind."

            "We're coming," Ewan sighed, following the rest with Sami still on his back.

 

"Hey, Legolas, look!" Link pointed. "A bug!"

"EEEEEEEEE!" Legolas shrieked, leaping onto Renee's back. "T.T Get it away!"

"Chill! It's just a bug." Renee pushed him off. "It won't kill you."

Legolas pouted, jutting out his lower lip. "It might," he whimpered. He jumped back onto her back again. "Just carry me the rest of the way!"

"Aragorn, you mended his leg. Is there a cure you give for sissyness?" Megan asked, watching Legolas scream childishly as Link dangled an insect in front of him.

"Hmmm…" Aragorn placed a hand on Legolas's shoulder and preached, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. He who believes in me shall not perish, but have eternal life…"

"I'M AN ELF! THEREFORE, I ALREADY LIVE FOREVER. I AM IMMORTAL!" he hollered at the top of his lungs, still clinging on Renee's back.

"Oh, right," Aragorn backed away rubbing his head. "In that case, I don't think there's a cure." He turned around and walked away.

"Link, put the bug down before I kick you!" Renee shouted. "In the same place as before," she added. She walked past, still carrying Legolas.

"Okay," Link tossed the bug behind him. It landed in Gimli's beard. No one seemed to notice this.

"Welcome to the Halls of Moria! Gandalf announced.

"Er…lovely." Oliver looked around. He didn't see anything except pillars everywhere.

"We'll camp out over there." Gandalf pointed to a room. The overly large Fellowship walked into the room, where a big white thing lay in the middle.

"No! My cousin!" Gimli cried into Boromir's shoulder. Boromir put a comforting hand on Gimli's back.

"Blergh," Sami said. "Disturbing." Gandalf picked up a book and started reading.

"Katie, wake up." Merry poked her with a stick. "Boring part's over."

"Oh, yeah." She stood up. "Hey, what's this?" She looked at a dead thing next to a well.

"Don't touch it!" Ivan warned, but, too late, Katie already knocked it down the well.

"Oops." A bunch of loud noises followed. The Fellowship all looked at her, but she pointed to Pippin, who was standing nearby. "He did it!" she claimed. She picked up Ivan and ran to hide behind Haldir.

"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf scowled at Pippin. "Throw yourself in next time, and then you will be no further nuisance." Pippin grumbled once Gandalf turned his back.

"What's that noise?" Oliver looked at the door. "I hear drums."

"The drums of the orcs!" Renee shrieked, running to Legolas.

"Do not worry," he assured her. "I will protect you."

"Acting a little more manly now, eh?" Link smirked.

"Oh, shut up…" Legolas muttered, glaring.

"Come! We must protect Mr. Frodo!" Sam called to the other hobbits. Sam, Merry, and Pippin all ran in front of Frodo, doing Charlie's Angels poses. Suddenly, they were also wearing Charlie's Angels' outfits.

"Woooo! Leather!" Megan called. "Hmm…where's Draco?" She floated off momentarily to dream about Draco in leather.

"Don't I look cute?" Pippin batted his eyelashes.

"Oh, shut up!" Merry smacked him.

"I was acting!"

"What the—?" Ewan was now holding a gun.

"Sweet." Oliver adjusted his shades. "I don't know what's up with these dark clothes and glasses, but I'm down with it!"

"Here they come," Haldir said, drawing his samurai sword.

"What do we do?" Renee wondered aloud.

"We fight too!" Katie answered. "You do martial arts, Sami does magic, and Megan can do Pokémon!"

"Why do I gotta do Pokémon? Megan grumbled.

"Um…I dunno," Katie replied. "Hit somebody with a broomstick then."

"ROOOOOOOOOOAR!" The orcs burst through the door.

"Let the games begin!" Aragorn got onto a cloud and floated to a safe place. "I am sorry, I cannot fight."

"Aw, for crying out loud!" Megan threw a couple of Pokéballs out toward the orcs. Out popped a Charizard and a Blastoise. They started eating orcs left and right. "Hey, maybe this Pokémon thing isn't so bad."

"Vulcan!" Sami commanded, pointing her hand at some orcs. A column of lava shot out of the ground, frying some even more than usual.

"Hi-yah!" Renee kicked a few orcs across the room. "Take that!" A few more went flying. Haldir was dashing through the orcs at high speed, leaving a trail of dead ones behind.

"Let's get them!" the three Frodo's Hobbits shouted. They ran two feet, and stopped to catch their breath.

"Too…far…to…run…" Merry panted.

"Need…water…" Sam gasped for air.

"I killed more orcs than you!" Legolas bragged to Link. He stuck out his tongue.

"No you didn't!" Link argued.

"Yes I did!" The two Elves started quarreling again. Not wanting to get involved, the orcs around them backed away.

"There's too many of them!" Megan returned her slightly fatter Pokémon.

"And I'm out of PP!" Sami couldn't cast any more spells.

"PP?" Pippin asked, giggling.

"Shut up, Pippin!" Katie yelled.

"We'll take it from here!" Ewan said, stepping in. He and Oliver ran behind two pillars. Nodding to each other, they ran up the walls and, in slow motion, flipped across the room, shooting orcs as they went.

"Cool," Renee said.

"Now, how did they do that?" Frodo asked.

"Gondor works in mysterious ways, young Frodo," Aragorn called down from his cloud.

"Oliver looks *so* cute in those dark clothes and shades," Megan sighed.

"So does Ewan!" Sami added.

Everyone stepped back as the orcs' bodies began to pile higher.

"EEEEEE!" Sami screamed, as four orcs began to close in on her.

"Here!" Ewan called, reaching into his pocket and dropping something small and black down to her. "From the Obi-Wan days!"

She pushed the button on it. *WHOOSH* "Hey, a light saber! SWEET!" She closed her eyes and swung around in a circle, slicing the orcs in half. "Now that is what you call nifty-spiff!"

"Hey, you guys, isn't something missing?" Renee asked.

"Where's the troll?" Katie looked around. "Don't we have to fight it and kill it?"

"Oh…this isn't cool…no…oh, no…not cool at all…" Megan's voice came from the corner. Everyone turned around to see the cave troll advancing on her. "Um…you guys…? HELP!!"

Oliver leapt onto his broomstick and flew to pick up Megan. As soon as she was safe on the broom, Oliver proceeded to pull out a machine gun and unleash hell on the troll.

There was a very loud noise indeed as the troll hit the floor.

Renee cleared her throat. "I guess this cues the part where we run to the bridge of Khazad-Dûm."

 

"Running! I'm running!" Legolas said, dashing along.

"Er…'kay," Sami said.

They were all running toward the Bridge when they heard it—more drum beats and other annoyingly loud raucous noises.

"Lemme guess. That's the Balrog," Megan said.

"Ai! A Balrog!" Legolas shrieked. Link snickered at him. Legolas just scowled at him.

"Go!" Gandalf yelled. "Fly! Across the Bridge!" Sami and Renee stopped short. "What are you waiting for?" he demanded.

"Well…if you go on ahead before us…" Sami began.

"We probably shouldn't change that outcome!" Megan called from up ahead. "What about the book?"

"Look around!" Renee said, gesturing to Link, Haldir, Gollum, Oliver, and Ewan.

"Um, yeah." Katie looked at them. "Just come on, you guys!"

Sami and Renee ran ahead as the Balrog approached.

"Run! Run!!"

The Balrog had reached the Bridge. It stopped and looked straight ahead. Gandalf stood up and raised his staff up high.

"Here it comes," Katie muttered.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS! GO BACK TO THE SHADOW! YOU CANNOT PASS!"

"Urgh," Gimli commented.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

"Bounce!" Renee whispered, then involuntarily burst into giggles. Frodo sent her a Death Stare. "Sorry!!" she hissed.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

"Talk about redundancy," Sami mumbled under her breath.

At that moment, Gandalf brought his staff down on the Bridge, and it crumbled beneath his feet. The Balrog fell down into the abyss.

"YAY!" All of the hobbits cheered.

"Damn, beat me to it," Aragorn muttered as the heroic music played in the background.

"I wouldn't be so sure of that," Megan stated. Everyone stared at her.

"Party pooper," Pippin complained.

"Oh, yeah, I remember! The whip comes up and pulls Gandalf down!" Renee exclaimed proudly.

Just then, the whip did come up and snatched Gandalf. He held to the cliff tightly.

"Fly, you fools!" Gandalf cried, then let go and fell down into the shadows.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—*gasp*—OOOOOOOOOOOOOO! GANDALF!" Frodo cried and tried to run after him. Aragorn grabbed him and ran away.

"YEOW!" Link exclaimed, pulling out a bow and shooting a few orcs.

"COME ON!" Sami screamed, pulling him away.

They exited Moria, Ewan and Oliver shooting some orcs—Matrix style—along the way. Legolas and Link shot their bows, and Megan chucked some Pokémon at them. They finally made it onto the grass outside before Frodo stopped to cry. Sam took his pitchfork out again, but Haldir kicked his arse.

"Ow, ow!" Link cried.

"Wuss," Legolas retorted.

"Boy, don't make me—" They both had their bows out by then, aimed at each other's throats.

The Fellowship was breaking apart, a bit earlier than what was supposed to happen. With the hobbits sobbing tragically over Gandalf, Link and Legolas trying to kill each other, and the four high-school girls watching grown men cry, there was nothing to be done.

"You guys! YOU GUYS!" Renee yelled for everyone's attention. They looked up. "Okay, listen. Gandalf is gone now. But he comes back. In the second book—er—after the Fellowship breaks—no, wait. Crap. Well, he comes back, okay?"

"Well, that got us, er, let's see, nowhere…" Sami said.

"Hey, they stopped crying.

"Well…" Katie said. She pointed at Link, who was still bawling like a baby. But for some odd reason, he was clutching his butt.

Legolas rolled on the ground with laughter, crying with mirth. "He…*hiccup*…got sh-shot in the—*giggle*—with an arrow…hehehe…in his butt! HAHAHAHA!"

"Oh, for once, shut up Legolas!" Megan snapped irritably.

Legolas pouted. "Fine. But now we're going to go to Lothlórien then."