Invading the Fellowship

Part Thirteen

 

***

 

"Hey! Weren't we supposed to fight a battle?" Some Guy said to Lurtz.

"Yeah, but I guess they bailed on us…" Lurtz shrugged.

"Aw. I wanted to use the new weapon too!" Some Guy pointed to the cage that held Cynthia, the creepy girl.

"That's not a weapon, that's a gift for Sauron's lunch!" Lurtz slapped him.

"Ow…oh, yeah." Some Guy rubbed his face. A sudden ringing noise came from Lurtz's pocket. He pulled out his cell.

"Hello?"

"This is Saruman! Hurry up and capture those high-schoolers! Sauron's getting hungry!"

"Yes sir!" Lurtz put away his phone. "To the desert!" he commanded.

"What idiot switched the signs?" Some Orc asked Some Guy.

"I dunno. They just went that way. Stupid people. They're probably being led by a blue monkey thing, four short people, a few blonde Elves, a holy man, four crazy females, and a few other dorks." Some Guy shrugged. "Then again, what are the odds of that?"

 

***

 

"Row, row, row your boat," Megan began.

"Row, row, row your boat," Sami added the second part of the round.

Renee started to join in. "Row, row, r—"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Frodo.

"OW!! What?!" Renee exclaimed. "I don’t sing that bad!!"

"But we're not rowing boats!!" Frodo shrieked. "WE ARE WALKING THROUGH A FREAKING DESERT. A DESERT!!"

"STOP SCREAMING IN MY EAR!" Renee yelled at the top of her lungs. She dropped Frodo on the ground.

"Owwwwwww!! x.x HOT SAND! Owowowowowow!" He paused for a moment, then, "SHE DROPPED ME!! ARAAAAGOOOOOOOOOOOOORN!"

"Thou shall not be evil to the Ringbearer!" Aragorn thundered at Renee.

"¬.¬ Sure, fine, whatever," she grumbled.

"Well?" Frodo asked expectantly.

She looked down at him. "Well what?"

"Aren't you going to pick me up?"

"No."

"AAAARAAAA—"

"Fine, FINE!" She knelt down so Frodo could scramble onto her back. "Crybaby," she muttered sourly.

"Oh, Draco," Megan sighed, leaning over to attach herself to his arm. "And Oliver!" she added, pulling him over to her other side.

"He's MINE!" Renee called from the back of the Fellowship.

"Mine!" Megan's voice responded.

"Please…PLEASE, DON'T START! END THE FIGHTING!" Boromir sobbed, hugging Gimli close.

There was an uncomfortable silence hanging in the air. Then Renee broke it. "MINE!" she yelled.

Just then, she ran into a tree. "Ow! Hey…how did a tree get out into the middle of the desert?" she looked glanced around her. "Oh…" They had reached a forest.

"Hmmm…" Megan contemplated. "I hear drums. And they sound much better than our battery too. I say…we go get some orcs to play in our band!"

"The orcs are many miles away." Aragorn led the way into the forest. "We shall fight them early tomorrow."

"All right, get off." Renee dropped Frodo on the ground. "I'm just glad the desert part is over with now."

"Come, Renee-chan." Haldir said to Renee. "You shall practice some more."

"Will I get my sword?"

"If you can catch the fly."

"Sweet!" Renee followed Haldir to the deserted cliff.

"I'm a little teapot, short and *hic*!" Ewan fell out of the tree he was in, landing on Draco.

"OW!" Draco yelped. "Get off me, you big log!"

"…Where am I?" Ewan got up and looked around.

"I dunno." Oliver walked up. "How wasted were we five minutes ago?"

"Dude I…dunno." Ewan blinked.

"¬.¬ Er…yeah." Draco walked over to the campfire where Megan, Sami, Merry, and Pippin were all playing cards. "Can I join in?"

"The cards don't explode," Sami told him.

"Sure. You'll have to slap in though." Merry said, taking a card sandwich. "It's called Egyptian Rats."

"Why would anyone name a game after such foul creatures?" Draco folded his arms, but before he could say anything else, Legolas came out of the woods, followed by a hysterical Link.

"Now what?" Sami looked up.

"T.T I got a really bad rash!" Legolas started crying, walking rather oddly.

"Um…that's gross…" Megan made a face.

"Go ask Sam for some herbs or talk to Aragorn." Pippin looked at the whining Elf. "What did you do, anyway?"

"T.T That's personal!!"

"He dragged me into the woods since he can't go to the bathroom by himself because he's afraid of raccoons so the dumbass went on a patch of poison ivy, and he's been complaining ever since," Link quickly explained.

"T.T WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" Legolas started crying…yet again…

"X.X EEEEEEEEEEW!" Megan and Sami shrieked.

 

..::+*~¦««-¤-»»¦~*+::..

 

"Now, Renee-chan." Haldir once again held out his hand. "Concentrate."

Renee stared hard at Haldir's hand, watching the fly's every move. "Be one with the fly…" She slowly closed her eyes. The forest stood silent for ten minutes…then Renee's hand finally shot forth.

"Well done, Renee-chan." Haldir nodded.

"Wow!" Renee looked proudly at the fly crawling around in her hand. "I did it…"

"You have earned your sword, Renee-sama." Haldir handed her a bag with Samurai robes and a specially crafted Elvish Samurai sword. "But you still have a lot of work to do."

"Yes, Haldir-sama. Thank you." They bowed, Renee hopping off to change.

 

..::+*~¦««-¤-»»¦~*+::..

 

A/N: WARNING! WARNING! MILD SLASH AHEAD!

 

"Hey! Look at this!" Merry dragged Sami over to a big tree. "Watch!" He pointed to Gimli and Boromir, who were behind some bushes.

"Merry, that's too freaky." Sami looked over at the hobbit.

"It's funny!" he grinned. "Listen!!" He and Sami leaned closer and peered around the tree to spy on the couple.

"Boromir, I love you!"

"Gimli! I love you too!! Will you marry me?" Boromir dropped to one knee, holding out a small black box.

"Argh! I will!" Gimli exclaimed, bursting into tears. He and Boromir started to make out.

"X.X Merry get me out of here NOW!!" Sami's hand flew to her mouth. Merry grabbed her and ran back to camp. "…Renee?" Sami blinked.

"Hey!" Renee waved. She was wearing her new white Samurai robes with her sword resting on a log. "I passed!!"

"Nifty-spiff!" Sami sat down. "Where's Megan?"

"She's off practicing spells with Draco." Pippin poked a stick in the fire. "Mmm…marshmallows."

"Hey, have you guys seen Gollum anywhere?" Katie walked up, Link behind her.

"And where have you been?" Pippin smiled sweetly.

"¯o¯ None of your business." Katie folded her arms.

"Harhar." Sami sat down by the fire, picking up the bag of marshmallows. "How's Legolas doing? Any worse?"

"He's sitting in a bucket of hot water." Frodo handed Renee a stick. "Roast me a marshmallow."

"Roast your own!"

"ARA—" Frodo began, but Renee grabbed the stick.

"Geez." Renee started roasting him the marshmallow. "Anything else, King Frodo?"

"I thought Aragorn was king though…" Pippin whispered to Merry.

"Make me one of those cookie sandwiches." Frodo was referring to a s'more.

"Yano I was being sarcastic."

"AAARAAA—" *SLAP*

"Katie!!" Merry's eyes grew wide. "Nice one!"

"…Why'd you do that?" Frodo's eyes swelled up with tears.

"You were being too mean!" Katie shook her finger at him. "Just 'cause you're Ringbearer doesn't give you the right to boss people around."

"T.T I'm sorry!" Frodo sobbed. "I won't do it again!" he promised.

"It's okay," Katie patted his head. "Now eat your s'more and thank Renee."

"Thanks, Renee!" Frodo chirped, chomping on the s'more. Renee moved away from him.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" A loud scream came from the woods. Oliver and Ewan ran by. Then a nude Legolas appeared, chasing them.

"HOLY GONDOR!!!!!!!" Renee whipped out her Elven camera, taking pictures.

"They poured alcohol in the tub!" Legolas stopped next to the campfire, breathing hard. "SOMEBODY GET THEM!!"

"Yeah…okay, we'll do that. Now go put some clothes on. There are girls present." Merry poked the fire with a stick with his billionth marshmallow.

"Huh?" Legolas blinked and looked at Katie, Sami, and Renee. "AAAH!" He ran back into the woods screaming some more.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Oliver and Ewan were rolling with laughter.

"He gone yet?" Katie peeked out from behind her hands."

"Yeah." Merry dropped the burning stick.

"Hey guys!" Megan came trotting toward them. "I learned some spells!"

"Cool. You just missed Legolas naked." Pippin looked up at her.

"WHAT?!" Megan ran about flailing her arms. "I MISSED IT?!"

"Here!" Renee handed her a stack of photos. "I got pictures!"

"Thou shall not see Legolas naked!" Aragorn snatched away the pictures and stuffed them in his pocket. He hoped no one noticed this.

"Awww…I always miss the good stuff." Megan pouted.

"Who hit Mr. Frodo?" Sam pulled out his pitchfork.

"Just a little too slow, Sam," Renee snickered.

"Sméagol!" Gollum dropped down out of the trees. He had war paint on his face and was dressed in camo.

"Let me guess. He's practicing guerilla warfare." Sami shook her head.

"He's so gross!" Draco sneered. "And ugly."

"No he's not! He's cute!" Katie cradled Gollum in her arms. "^σ^ And nowhere near icky!"

"…Katie, you're creepy." Megan attached herself to Oliver.

"Hey! That's mine!" Renee tugged at Oliver.

"Dude, I'm popular!" Oliver grinned.

"Ewan!" Sami jumped on him, hugging him tightly. "All mine! MINE!"

"Oh sure. Ditch the hobbit," Pippin grumbled.

"You're mine too!" Renee glomped Pippin.

"This hobbit is cuter!" Frodo shouted.

"Hey guys!" Boromir and Gimli walked up. "We have an important announcement to make here!"

"Huh?" The Fellowship stopped fighting and looked at them.

"Well…" Boromir looked at Gimli and took his hand. "We're engaged!"

"Argh." Gimli held out his hand, showing a pretty ring.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" The Fellowship, save Katie and Gollum, fled.

"^σ^ Congratulations!!" Katie cheered

"Yeses! Congratses!" Gollum added.

"…Guys?" Sami blinked.

"You gotta be supportive here, guys!" Katie nodded.

"u.u Oh, all right," Sami sighed.

"CONGRATULATIONS! YAY!" The Fellowship exclaimed at once, except for Draco, who sat there looking utterly disgusted.

"We're getting married once we reach the nearest town," Boromir announced.

"Argh. Must buy new dress," Gimli grunted.

"…I'm scarred for life," Sami whispered to Renee.

"Same here," she replied.

 

***

 

"Dude, this sun is murder." #3 said to #5.

"Yeah, but look at our tans!" #7 grinned. "We look great!"

"Yeah, you said it!" #8 took a long drink of his Crystal Light® lemonade.

"Thems Powerpuff Girls is gonna fry like bacon!" Larry proclaimed.

"Dude…just shut up," #1 said.

 

***

 

They camped out in the woods that night, Katie and Link off somewhere that no one else knew of, Renee training more with Haldir, Gimli and Boromir frolicking in the woods, Merry and Pippin off to spy on them, and the rest just sitting by the fire.

"Wow, I'm bored," Sami said.

"Yeah, we need something to do. Hmmm…maybe my plot—"Megan began.

"No, I'm not that bored," said Sami.

"Awww…" Megan looked at her pleadingly.

Renee, Haldir, Katie, and Link returned then.

"Hey! I've thought of something!" Sami exclaimed.

"What?" Ewan asked her.

"What sort of sound does a bottle of glue make when it gets struck by lightning?"

"O.o ………What??"

"I think it would make a noise like 'pffffffffffftttttttttlllllllllll,' " she continued.

"No, I think it would be more like 'sssssscccchhhhlluuuuuuuurrppa,' " Renee told her.

"Oh."

"O.o…not asking," Link said. "Come on Katie, let's go back to…exploring that side of the forest now…^σ^" he winked.

"Yeah, 'explore' huh?" Pippin asked, he and Merry back from their spy trip. "Then can we come too?"

"NO!" Katie and Link said at the same time.

"Ouch, that hurt, Pip," Merry said.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Renee burst out laughing.

Everyone stared quizzically at her.

"Okay, okay, this is a good one," she said. "What do you call Legolas in the freezer?"

The Fellowship kept staring.

"A FROSTED FLAKE! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

"HAHA!" Link pointed at Legolas, who was scratching his butt at the moment.

"I don't get it…" Legolas murmured. "Will someone come over here and scratch my back?"

Renee went over and scratched his poison ivy rash. "Jesus Christ! Not only did you wipe your ass with the stuff, you also used it as a loofah with your pear-scented soap?!"

"…Maybe," Legolas said. He quickly hid a pear-soap-covered leaf behind him.

"Geez…" Renee sighed and rolled her eyes.

Meanwhile, Sami was taking Megan's Plothole-in-a-Box and opening it up. She reached inside.

Megan whirled around, spotting her. "Hey!" she exclaimed. "Hypocrite!!"

Sami stuck her tongue out and continued to root around inside the plothole. She finally found what she was looking for, and pulled out…Orlando Bloom!

"OoOoOoOoO!" Renee ran over.

"Nope, nope!" Sami told her. "You've got Legolas and Pippin over there! Orli and Ewan are mine!!"

Renee sulked for a minute. "Oh, fine," she agreed. Her face brightened and she said, "I'm getting Oliver!!" She dashed off.

Megan gasped. "Noooooo!" cried, racing after her.

"Hey," Legolas said, glancing up at Orlando. "He looks like me, only I'm prettier."

"Covered in poison ivy, you're not!" Sami looked at Katie. "You wanna explain it?"

"Nah, we'll let 'em figure it out themselves," she replied. "I'm going to go find Link now…"