Three Proofs
Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until the age of 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God
Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink
Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was always in trouble with the law
3. His mother did not know who his father was
Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hand
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He worked in the building trades
Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everybody brother
2. He had no permanent address
3. Nobody would hire him
Three Proofs that Jesus was Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He invented a new religion
Nuns
Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking cigarettes,when one said "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out hereto smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarettebutts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."
The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called the
condom,which works really well for this problem. You just open thepacket up, takeout the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, rollit up, and dispose of it all later.
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
"You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacistfor them."
The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to
the counter. "Good morning sister", said the pharmacist. "What can I do
for you today ?"
"I'd like some condoms please" said the nun.
The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and
asked "How many boxes would you like - there are twelve to a box."
"I'll take twelve boxes - that should last about a week" said the nun.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost
afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed andhe asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms would you like -we have large, extra large, and big liar size."
The sister thought for a minute, and finally said "I'm not certain,
perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel.
HORSE RACING
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told there was
a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in
the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that
the preacher settled on a donkey instead. The preacher figured, since he
bought the animal, he might as well race it. To his great surprise, the
donkey did quite well and came in third place.
The next day, the racing sheets carried this headline:
PREACHER SHOWS ASS
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
races again, and this time the animal won first place.
The paper said:
PREACHERS ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races.
The newspaper printed this headline:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHERS ASS
This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of
the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a nun in a local
convent.
The next day, the headlines read:
NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted.
When he came around, he informed the nun that she would have to dispose of
the donkey. The nun searched, finally finding a farmer willing to buy the
animal for ten dollars.
The paper stated:
NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS!
They buried the Bishop the next day.
Thou Shalt Not Steal
There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday.
Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike.
The other priest asked where his bike was.
The other priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!"
The other priest said, "Well what you need to do is read off the ten
commandments, and when you get to "Thou Shall Not Steal" someone will
confess to the crime."
The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back.
"I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?," the one priest
said.
The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I
got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I seemed to remember where I had
left it."
