- OKay, warning, I feel very silly posting this, it's ditzy and light hearted, and fun to read when bored, but warning, it's a little bitter, and floaty.
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- I realized this section of the site, basically is me venting about being single. So watch out.
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,br>
And now, I present, my random babblings of teenage love....
I have to write about love. So often writ about it is, but I have to now, it’s what’s eating those tiny bits of brain that when eaten, spark into bubbles of imagination and nausea, but a good turning stomach kind of way. Fairies companioned with bags of sleep are desperately trying to use those bags on me, but I’m going to keep writing until I pour my entire soul of love in front of you. That’s right, as much as that sounds like, it will only take a few paragraphs, and they’re not even long. Lack of words makes sure of that.
- Singledom
When first dumped (and I am always the dumpee) I’m either happy or sad. I have never had the nerve to break up with someone sucessfully, “cleanly”. It just never worked for me. I have a tendincey to get attached and it take a long to to detach myself, who knows how long it can take. But it’s a bitch to be attached so deeply. If I’m happy though, it quickly shall turn to hidden sadness within days/hours/minutes/seconds. How sad is that?
- Having someone
Let’s face it, I do so badly at being single, ho wcould I not suck at being in a relationship? I’m possesive and needy, I know that, but can’t control it much, even though I truly want to. When it happens though, all I can think is, all I want to d is spend time with a person I care so deeply about, and he wants to play basketball. Now that it’s written out, I feel silly.
- I’ve got a brand new song, it is so happy, happy...
All right, and now we get to the juicy stuff. What I love most about being with someone. It has it’s own category because it just felt like it should. Really though, now that I’m in deep thought about it, my favorite things have to be being held and a perfectly timed kiss. I just love it when I’m held, it makes me feel comfortable, and cared about. You can really make out with anyone, but you really have to care about someone to hold him/her and to keep holding him/her for a long period of time. And if you hold someone long enough, and the just a light kiss.....*sigh*. If only it happened.
- Confession
ok, so this isn't my whole soul of love, but whatever. It's nice to have it out, and on the table. Now the cat's going to come along and take a testing lick to see if it likes, so let's just wait and see if she does....
- Wishes:
1. I wish I didn't live where I do.
2. I wish I wasn't single.
3. I wish I hadn't been dumped so much.
4. I wish that someone in this zip code would take a liking to me...well, someone who won't stalk me, in you know, like "rape and kill" stalking.
5. I wish I wasn't such a teenage girl. Not really naive or anything, just, annoyed by the sheltered feel I get from being a teenage girl with no night life in this dead town. Arg
- 6/8/01: Teenage babbling update:
I've seen people hold each other, and I've been held, and I've imagined it. And, oh do I love it. I don't think I can get sick of it, I just want to be held forever by someone I care about. It's all I want right now, to sit outside and be held. And if I couldn't have that, I'd want to sit outside and talk for hours over tea. yum. Ah! Let me outside! Someone hold me! Alright, that's enough of my whining.
- 6/11/01: Another update:
If you love someone, tell them. Even if it's unrequited, tell them, it'll make you feel good to say it, it'll make them feel special. Special special special. Even if it's unrequited, it's a good feeling to have someone tell you they care so much for you.
- 6/12/01: In response to the above:
I was told that the above paragraph is untrue, and probably it is, but I'm just babbling whatever crosses my mind. Plus, I'm this insane person that strives on awkward situations, so maybe that has something to do with it...tever. Just thought I should point out, that this is me talking, not anyone else, disagree or agree, just know this is only meant to be me putting random thoughts out.
- 7/2/01: Lonliness. It sucks all of the energy out of me and leaves me somewhat, well...speechless. And I'm usually someone who has a lot to say about nothing. I just hate turning to where usually I have, well, someone, and they're gone. Aysh. Plus, all distances more than a few miles, are outrageously unconvenient and just down right annoying. People, come home. Please? Or at least like, all of you? Please? I'm so damn lonely here. It's sinking into my mind so slowly and it's just completely making me rot. I hate this, so someone, please come home!
- 7/18/01: Ok, I really really really really really really hate being single. I mean, out of the movies I watched today, NONE had any romantic relationships as part of the plot. STILL, All I can think about is singledom and how much I dislike the taste of it. It's not even that I'm bitter towards anyone or anything like that, just...it's like, when you walk down the street and see two strangers, just walking with their arms around each other, or even just two people eating in a restaurant together, and you KNOW they're on a date. It's depressing to sit there, and here little tid bits of their conversation. So many jokes, so many compliments, just so cute. And I'm not cute. It's really annoying. Oh well, I'll live. Maybe not fulfilled, complete, and ecstatic, but I'll live. .......*sigh*
- 8/4/01: Alright. Growl. Here I am alone again. It's like that damned trick with the dollar bill and the fishing poll. You know, where you place the dollar bill on the sidewalk, wait for someone to try and pick it up, then when they're soooooo close, you pull the bill away. It's so cruel. *sigh* Ah singledom, we meet again? Want me to buy you a drink? Sorry, I can't I'm all out of cash. Well. Blah. Well this is really turning out odd so I'm giong to stop it here. Until next time, au revoir (sp?).
- 8/7/01: Ok, it's time I get out into the world and meet people. Not even someone, just people. Being social is something I need to do more of. Yes, I hope to find someone, but I don't need to.....ok. Scratch that, I need to if I was thinking in my overdramatic normal self, but since I am half asleep, I don't need to. I just need to feel secure in someone's arms, and feel someone else's body heat mixed with mine. *sigh* Arg, ok, suddenly I've thrown myself into thinking about past beau's, and I realized how much I really made mistakes on one. Thank God I'm done with that piece of...any way. The other(s)...well. Damn. I need another relationship like those(that). I need to feel that same tingle and tickle in my spine when I see someone. That hasn't happened....well, I'm not going to say how long it's been. But I miss it. I hate hormones!!!!!!!! No I don't. I just wish they didn't get in the way of things so much.
- 8/25/01: Sometimes I just wonder. There's so much emotion in me, and I can only place it on one person. And what if I miss the one as he/she walks down the street? I mean, I'm probably going insane from my nightly caffiene intake and staying up late and such, just, I really wish I could at least decode my own mind. Then again, maybe I don't. I'm so confused. Damn **s**r*.
- 11/1/01: Wow! Havne' been here in a while to update! Well, to sum things up:
up and down my mental heart has gone,
but always in the wee hours of night, just before dawn,
does my heart settle and melt,
and feel that same feeling I've felt,
For the someone(s) (that know who they are), whose relationships can't be marred.
And now! Non poetic ramblings: OK, so basically I've been having a really crapola week, but suddenly out of no where i feel really great! Ihad an awful Halloween and an awful day before halloween, but it seems November is beckoning me to dive into it's deepest leaf piles to scrounge something(one) up. As much as I have feelings for some peoplel it's always hard to be here, and see other people, and hear stories, and then I always lok at what I have, and it's so much. I'm really lucky. Now if only it was a relationship, and if only it didn't always feel like it's slippijng a little out of my fingers and into some other girl's. but whatever, for now I'm actually alright.
- 11/16/01: OK, I am sick and tired of being single. I hate listening to stories about hook ups and all, well I don't hate listening to them, jsut I feel so jealous. I want to just sit in someone's arms and just feel, comfortable. You know kinda know what I'm talking about? I just want to be able to have someone that I can see every so often, someone I can just be with. I don't need a "hook up" just, I want something. I feel like I'm being such a whiney bitch, but I can't help it. I want to be with someone here. And I want to just, arg. I feel so ugly and empty and lonely. I hate that. I hate it almost as much as I hate how I am sometimes.
- 12/10/01: ok, to be blunt: Hormones are fucking with my head. yep, that's right. Too many goddam people, too many goddam thoughts, and just too many past emotions rushing back. Whatever, I'm alive.
-8/6/02: OK well, haven't been here in a while but it's time to freshen 'er up. So, let's see, in the past months, romantically, the life has taken over, been far too overpowering, yet probably the best thing I've got going. After that, started "dating" one guy, then broke up with him to date another. This one's lasted like...5ish months now...I think. Started in march, so yeah, 5 months. Not bad, not bad at all. I really am enjoying being in a relationship again, but at the same time I know I'm far too often obsessed with it. Basically, I need to find the balance in between social, romantic, and academic. Family can wait. Oh, that boy though. I think I may be too happy with him. It feels so good to be able to hug him. I mean, sure you can hug anyone, and feel all smile-ish and all, but when it's "someone"...oy vey. That's the stuff that makes even me go giddy. I drove up to see him yesterday, he's way up north in rhinebumblefucklander and I drove 6 hours there, made it back in 5, just to see him for like an hour and a half. PLus when I was there I pretty much just watched him talk to my other friend. Seeing him though was just enough for me. Call me crazy, a hopeless romantic, sappy, idiotically girlishly giddy, but after not seeing him for two months, just looking at him in person was enough to make me wait another 6 months. Ok, that's an exaggeration since I'm a teenager, and all of the bubbly emotions/hormones are playing with my mind a bit, but it was enough so that i know I'm HIS girlfriend, and it's worth waiting the summer to be with him for however much longer this is going to last. Well, actually if he came back and dumped me in a week, that would really suck and I'd probably be really bitter and use his name in some nasty poems maybe even deface a picture with some girl friends for some immediate revenge that I would never take deeper than maybe a few slashed tires (jk). Anyway, I'm a good 85% sure that won't happen, so I'm not gonna worry about it. Not seeing him for two months was tough though. I wish I could've visited him earlier but that whole costa rica thing got in the way (stupid costa rica trip that was one of the most amazing experiences of my life). But, oof, looking at him, and just watching him stare right back at me is something that I had to look away from just so I didn't start smiling like some idiot even though just thinking about it now puts a ridiculously large glowing smile on my dorky face. It feels kind of awkward, but just, Oh jeez he makes me happy. There are only a few things that make me genuinely happy for weeks when I just think about them, and just picturing sitting and looking straight at him, I could almost burst into womanish tears of joy. Oh wow am I a sap. I'm a teenage sap at that. Oof.
- 8/11/02: Alright, just been thinking a lot lately, and I've got a lot of mush crap on my mind. First of all, I have my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend. Sure, you coiuld say I'm a teen who doesn't know what love is. But for what I have known, what I have felt, this is love. And I do love him. On ther other hand, there are other people, well, another person that really is just getting to be way too interesting to be good for the relationship thing. I'm not going to cheat on my boyfriend. No way in hell. At the same time though, this other person is just awesome of what I know of him. And all I want is my stupid boyfriend to come home so I don't have to think about even being attracted to this other guy, It's frustrating. Ok, I sound really stupid sappy soap teen type of thing. Stopping this one here.
- 8/15/02: OK, missing people sucks ass. I mean sure, I can do whatever whenever to just keep him out of my mind but it'sdriving me friggin nuts not being able to see him, or just hang out with him or talk to him. Driving me friggin crazy. It's like we're broken up, but not at all. I dunno how to explain it, but I don't like being basically completely cut off from him for 3 months....2.5, but still,it's a friggin long time. And especially for a teenage, highschool relationship. I mean some of them last weeks, days even. By the time he comes back, it will have been 6 months, but I would have only seen him for three. That's frustrating. This isn't the first relationship where this has happened either, the whole 6 months, only seen him for half of it deal. And basically, if I get dumped in the next month or so, I'm gonna just fall apart after this summer. Oh lord would I fall apart. Just because...well, faithfulness and of course with that comes temptation and resistance to it, and just not getting ANY and, growl. I just, I can't really explain it without sounding like a really really really horny adolescent. Though this may be true, there's more to it than that. AGLE. Whatever, I'll live and I know that when he finally gets home it'll have been worth waiting for just because he makes me that happy. This will be good. Yea! Then again i still have another week to wait....damn. ::SIGH:: Oh my am I an obsessed girly girl.
- 8/21/02: I've been thinking a lot lately, and I've been wondering if you can ever 100% fall out of love with someone. I mean, sure, there are those fake relationships that people pretend to be in love with, but then can you really fall out of love? And if you can't, then how many people can you be in love with at once? Ack, I guess what I really want to know is why can't, no, erg, why can't I just , nope that's not working either, how about: Why is getting over people so friggin difficult? Ending this here.
- 8/25/02 (wee mornin' hours): There are so many things about him that I love. In fact, I can't think of anything that I really can't stand about him. Sure sure, there are the little things, like cracking his knuckles, and crap like that, but I don't care enoguh about those things for it to matter. Just everything is so, "on" with him. He's just 98% of the time on the same page with me, and when he's not, he just makes me feel good about whatever it is. Being with him just makes me ridiculously happy, and I could die euphorically happy just lying with him watching a mediocre movie. Just, I wish I could know how long this one would last, just because I want to know that it's going to last a while. Then again, I don't want to know when/if it ends. Oh man, I don't want it to end actually. He makes me too happy. There are just some people that can always make me smile, even when I'm so low that I just don't want to deal with anything anymore, and want to just sleep forever, those people just make me want to sleep with amazing dreams. I dunno if that's the best way to put it but for 2:48 in the morning it's good enough for now. I love him.
- 9/10/02: It's really not fair. How come you can die at any age, but so many people believe you can't truly fall in love until you're X amount of years old? It's ridiculous. If our lives can be taken away before we get a chance to learn what living is, how is this fair? Ack I just can't control my thoughts. I want to just lie down and not think about anything. I want to call him and plead for him to come over just to fall asleep more soundly. I know I'm going to dream about this tonight. I'm going to wake up kicking and screaming again in the middle of a nightmare that really isn't frightening to anyone but me. I don't want to go to sleep for this reason. I just want to fall asleep soundly with him and just be happy that it wasn't him.
- 9/17/02: I hate being so afraid of having to make a decision that I keep telling myself won't even come close to me, but I know there's a 50/50 chance it will. If it does happen though, and I'm positive, then I don't know what I could do. I couldn't tell my parents, I would just be too ashamed. And I couldn't go anywhere because I'd be too ashamed and I'm just so worried about having the possibility of doing this. I hate going through this and just not knowing anything. I can't find any information when I need it. I guess if it came to it, I'd kill myself or run away. If I ran away though I dont know if he would come with me, and if he didn't I don't think I could stand being away from him. All I can see though is this infinitely long blackness with a speck of light coming from somewhere. I really really really really really hope that I just can get to the fucking piece of light. I do not want to have to deal with anything. And yes, this is the consequence I get, but I'm still freaking out and I just can't concentrate on anything. I just, ok. I just can't think right now. I'm too worked up, too emotional.
- 10/9/02: OK, do I still have friends? I've been thinking a lot lately and I keep coming back to the fact that I have a lack of friends compared to what I used to. It's all my fault and I know it as much as I wish I could play it off otherwise I know that I am the reason that I don't have as many friends as I used to and that I just can't talk to people like I used to, but I just have so many problems with myself and I'm not healthy for anyone. The one person who I still talk to all the time, sometimes I wonder if he truly realizes how fucked up I am, or that eventually I'm just going to bring him down because apparently, looking at my past, obviously that's all I ever lead people to, bringing them down. I'm an awful friend, I mea, seriously, I suck at being a friend. No one should be friends with me. I'm just too stupid and irresponsible and unreliable and just a complete joke to the world. I just wish that he could see that and get away from me. I told him we would have to break up if I ever became obsessed and I know I am, I told him I was, and he said it was okay because we were obsessed with each other. I love him. I really do. I just am so afraid of becoming what I know I already am. Maybe I was just meant to drift with ALL of my frineds, but that doesn't seem fair and it doesn't seem right. I know in the end I'm just going to bring him down.
- 2/11/03: I know I often ask too many questions and maybe over step my boundries sometimes with him, but then again, really, what my biggest fear is, is that he's hiding something from me that either affects me, or hugely affects him. I really don't think most people understand how easily I get worried about other people. Maybe it's the visual thinking thing where if I see someone getting in a car accident, in my mind I see a violent bloody fatal car collision with a flipping semi and a tiny sedan completely getting crushed. I know that's somewhat extreme, but I just worry a lot, and I'm really protective. That's probably a balance of good and bad, but I'm probably just tittering into the bad zone. I just get so worried that it's going to be over tomorrow, or tonight, or in the next minute. I mean, I've seen my friends get dumped, do the dumping, and I've done both too, I mean, i know what it's like and all, it's just so friggin hard not to fear it. I hated being dumped, I mean, seriuosly, I was pretty crushed, and I know I'd probably be more crushed if this one ended, but I'd probably just handle it better, but I just don't want to go through that all over again. I'm so afraid of breaking up at all. I know I won't. Actually, thinking about breaking up with him, after thinking about it, there's seriuously no reason to, and the only things I could ever really see breaking us up is cheating or just drifting. And we don't seem to be at all drifting. Then again, are we? I don't think so, and I suppose that's for the better, probably for the best if I just didn't think about it, but if I even think about being dumped, it freaks me out to think it could happen again. Ack, so overly protective of myself and others. Too cautious perhaps? Or maybe not. I don't know, whatever I am, it's confusing me. How are other people supposed to get me if I can't even straighten out how I am?
- 6/9/03: Ok, so I've been thinking way too much, and ther's so much that I;ve been thinking about. Ok, first and foremost. The one person that i thought would be on my mind the most, is on it the least, and that kind of scares me since I do really miss him, but at the same time, I'm glad to have a break. The other night, when i burst into tears, I don't know if it was because he was leaving, because he wasn't mine anymore, or if it was just because it felt like what I should be doing. Well, the third really isn't it, way too emotional that night for it to be that. Ag, but whatever, for now I have another guy on my mind. Actually, a non-romantic one, but lately, he's been plaguing my mind and I just can't get him out. Sure other times, I've thought about him, and how much I missed him , but at the same time, I was always not gutsy or brave enoiugh to just go for the plunge and talk to him, I am sucha wimp someties. Anyway, I kinda made contact with him, and I mean, I didn't expect him to reply, I just hoped he would. I set myself up to be dissapointed but blah, i just wish i could call him and figure stuff out because it's driving me craz, probably because I actually wrote him about it. Maybe it's because he was a friend that i really valued, or maybe it;'s because he was such a good friend, or maybe it's just because I miss the good times we had, but then again, everything changes and maybe we'd e awful friends now. Then again I could just be thinking that to make myself feel better about the lack of response that I knew from the moment I sent that stupid e-mail would never come. I just miss him a lot, and I guess the more I think about it the closer I get to talking to him, but at the same time further. I'm afraid of rejection i guess. I can pretty easily flirt and whatever with guys who are attractive, but then when it comes to things I care about, things that are meaningful and have depth and actual density to, I just am such a wimp. This is seriously driving me insane. I wish I could take a real step towards starting a friendship again, but I'm just not ballsy enough, I'm too worried about being laughed at, or laughed at when I'm not looking, or just being ignored all together. Then again I guess that's what's going on right now. I'm being ignored, but then again, I set myself up for that. Ahhhh! Going insane. Why can't I stop thinking about pete? I just can't get this guy out of my head. Eventually I'll force myself to, but then why does he keep recurring in my mind, every few months or so, a thought of him will pop up and just sticl around for a few days. Well this time it's been more than a few days and maybe it's because i took a baby step towards remaking things, but then again, it was a safe baby step and blah, I just will never have the balls to actually call him up and be like, "Hey, what's up? I miss you, we should hang out." I'm just not that confident yet. Maybe I never will be. Ahhh, why can't this just fix itself. I don't even know why i think about him so much. It's driving me insane. Ack, gonna go crazy elsewhere.
- 6/13/03: Yeah, so annoyed that someone won't just ask me already and I am way too girly trhis time to ask myself, not to mention that I'm just a wuss. yeah...anyway, so, very very frustrated that I have not been asked, but then again, what did I expect right?
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