We all want something beautiful...
Man, I wish I was beautiful
Things I want from life
Do you think I will achieve any of that? I find beauty everywhere. It's everywhere. Happiness is a frame of mind. Or a chemical in your brain caused by medications. Either way, it's nice. And color... I don't even know what I meant by that. Maybe I meant I want illusion... or imagination. Live in the fantasy that everything is beautiful and you will be happy. I suppose it all flows... right?
1st journal entry
So much courtney love. She's all over this site. I admire her 'take no shit, just give it' attitude. Maybe one day I will be just like that. One day.
October 30, 2002
I spent the night at Jamie's. We always have the best conversations. She is me. She is a part of me so much. She understands all my dreams because she has them to. I want to do so much. I am like a child. I want to work in the psych ward of a hospital. I want to be an art restorer. I want to be a writer. I want to get things published. I want to go to Iceland. I want to be a designer of some sorts. I want to make my own jewelry... I want to live in the mountains. I want to sing. So much. Oh god, I want to sing. There is so much I want to accomplish. We discussed this... our dreams and everything we want to do. And we will do it too. I'm listening to Dashboard... so awesome. Grand. I want to read... but my eyes are falling... I'm tired. AH! Me and Jamie are going to go see the ring again. It was such an awesome movie. Kicked ass! "I'd give up forever to touch you, cuz I know that you feel me somehow..." such beautiful words. Words with meaning. Some people should talk with more meaning.
November 1st...
Back to school... and everything is like it should be. Annoying and dull. I had time to think of a story though... I wrote one to Jamie last night. She wrote me a story and a poem today. I have a line from it on my hand. It's great. I love her words. Alex should be on her way soon... So I am writing and listening to Kittie. I don't know if anyone reads this... do you read this? Let me know who does... because I am curious. Anyway, I am going to do everything in my power to go away to college. I know it's just a stupid little dream of mine, but I really want to go. I want to be on my own... learn how to survive another obstacle. Write about beauty. Love is a Dangerous Angel...
And All She Wanted Was Wings... I am going to use that line somewhere... I wrote it today, just because I thought of it. Wow. Mariah. What a switch from Kittie. We need a little diversity. Right? "Spread your wings and prepare to fly... butterfly..." I love this song. I haven't heard it in so long. I hope tonight is fun. I am wearing devil horns... because I am evil. Or because they are a good disguise. I just wish I had wings.
November 3, 2002
School tomorrow. I had a fun weekend. Went out a bunch. Got a new coat, a hat, and a scarf! I am so excited. lol. I am scaring April right now. WHAT!?!? LoL... I am allowed to want hot boys! I am kind of fighting with Lindsey right now. I am sick of being her last resort friend. I know you boyfriend is important. I know your other friends are important... but you can at least PRETEND you care about the friendship. Fuck. It pisses me off. I hate losing friends. She bases too much on looks I don't give her! Goddamn. Whatever. I tried. I try to hard with people. It's tiring. Yea, I'm sorry that I don't wanna go visit Phil all the time. and I don't wanna hang out with the guys and do the same damn thing evey week. Sorry I like a change sometimes. She doesn't even fucking try and she gets pissed at me for going out when she is. FUCK IT. Next! SO yea... dumbass people who never believe me! Like *cough*... don't be all "right" when I say stuff to you. I've never lied to you, so why would I now? Dude... lighten up. I've told you that many times before.
November 5, 2002
"I liked being hurt... I'd send the pain below... much like suffocating" What a great song. So Dominick and I are friends again. Thats good. I hate having to avoid people. And he was fun to talk to until 3 in the morning. Lindsey and I are better now as well. We have our 1 year coming up! I can't wait. That day we are going to hang out, definately. Neither of us can make other plans for that day! I want to go sit in a book store with WinTer. We might go to one on Thursday, since it's a half day. I hope we do. That'll be fun. I am reading American Psycho... So far, it's just making me laugh. But I heard it gets pretty disturbing... I love reading. I just want to sit and read all day today. Which I might be able to do because I don't have any other work to get done... and I have 2 study halls. I want to go to Paris. I want to see the sunrise at another place on earth. I want to see the sky in Iceland. Is it different from here? "So Don't go away, say what you say, but say that you'll stay, forever and a day, in the time of my life, cuz I need more time, yes I need more time just to make things right... so don't go away." I love oasis. They rule oh so much. This is one of my all time favorite songs. I love it. So beautiful.
November 11, 2002
So I re-vamped my site a little bit... changed the pictures and such. Added a new story...
CANCER. Jakob says it's erotica, and Alex says it's emotional. I agree with Alex. I had a great weekend. But, now I have much school work to do. Shitty. Fucking great. I wish I could have seen WinTer more though. I haven't seen her since Friday. Holy shit that's weird... she just signs on. Oddness. Anyhoo... I have to do some college apps today. I am getting more eager as time goes by. I'm sick of shit here. Time for a change. New surroundings. A new life. No, wait... just a change to this one. I like my life. I like who I am now. I am more comfortable with ME now. I like my personality. I love my imagination, my willingness to forgive and forget, my open heart, my ability to make a fool of myself... and those are all the qualities I admire in the people around me. I love Alex. She is my best. We talk without voices. I love Jamie. She is ME. She is another part of me... one that I would die without. I like my life... and I can only see it getting better. Thank you Robert. Because of you, I value much more now. I don't take things for granted. I am OPTIMISTIC. Maybe that had nothing to do with you at all... maybe it had to do with my own realizations. Francescia Lia Block. Alex and Jamie. The moon. Night. The wind. Stars. Warmth. Hugs. Notes. Stories. Blue. Faeries... Beauty.
"Take me as I am
I'm not broken
Pieces of my life are not tokens
I just want to let you know I'm still learning
How to love again and stop hurting
I want to roll my darkness into a million suns
I need to find forgivness when all the pain is done
I wanna hear I'm sorry, I wanna let you go
I have to find my own life, I wanna learn to grow"
which francesca lia block girl are you?
(quiz created by shelle)
If you were a Francesca Lia Block book, which one would you be? take the quiz here!
November 14, 2002
Happy Birthday to Jamie!! I hope she had a great 17th b-day! I love her oh so very much. She's my WinTer Wonder. Today was a good day... told Kyle he's cute. hahah He is. It's not like I was lying. I got nothing done today. Nothing really... well, journal wise. Or my own personal shit wise... Had an interesting conversation with David last night... so he might come over Saturday night. We shall see. I don't know what's up with the Charlie situation, or even if there is a Charlie situation. Who knows. I guess only time will tell... and I am very impatient. Blah. Anyway... tomorrow is friday and I need a Friday. Well... I live in a world of Fridays, kind of. Enjoy as much as possible. My hands are so cold. I don't know why. It sorta hurts to type. I want to go out today... But I have 9 journals I need to do. I am quite behind. Oh well. They will get done. I'm not worried. The more I go to the book store, the more I want to see one of my books there. I want to write one... and design the cover... and have people buy it. And Read every single word... and have them remember it. Understand what it meant. Feel what I was feeling at the moment of writing it... and living it. One day. One day it will happen. Not because I expect to... or see it happening... but because I want it to so much, that I will make it happen, if I have to.
So he's been out of my life for over a week now... and I feel better. Much, actually. I don't have the worry or anxiety. He never brought me any good in the last few months... the first was great, but after that things went south... and stayed there. For the best. WinTer and I will beat the demon. We can overcome anything. Together, we can rule the world.
"I won't die another day...No more sweet frustration..."
..::Pixie Witch::..
November 15, 2002
Today was such an off day. Something was off kilter. I don't even know what it is... but I am pretty damn sure it was a fluke occurance and everything should be back to normal when I wake up in the morning. I had a great time today. Realized that I am happy with my life, my friends, my choices. I got to spend some time with Amanda. I missed her a lot. I didn't realize it until I got into her car. We always have fun together... I guess we just both got caught up in stupid shit to remember this. But now we are going to work on it more. No more forgetting. The Counting Crows rule my world.
"All your love is just a dream, dream, dream..." I am so glad I am staying here another semester. I can't leave this early. I can leave my house, yes. However, I can't leave certain people. Alex and Jamie. I will never be ready to part from them. Never. Alex and I will ALWAYS talk... even if we have to communicate through carrior pigeon! Jamie and I are so tied together... I can't even see us not living in the same town. We will always live by each other. Plain and Simple. oh Shit.... Robert just IMed me... argh!!!
"Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about
That's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head"
I am so cold... chills... freezing hands (which don't smell like cigarettes anymore... lotion, good idear Amanda!) God I am so cold. GRR! I hope I go out with Amanda and Alex tomorrow. It'll be fun. We have to play some DIRRTY! We didn't really get to hear the song! I love that song. I am nerd, damn proud of it! Today wasn't right. I
felt it. I wasn't the only one, either. So scary. *sigh*
November 19, 2002
Shit. So he wants to go out with me... I, on the other hand, don't know what the fuck it is I want. Guys suck. He's a really great one though... he doesn't like the smoking, but it's a habit I just picked up... it's not that bad. *shrug* I don't know what to do... it appears as though Alex and I are in the same situation, once more. We seriously just want to dance, be free, and meet people. Can you blame us?
What sexy girl are you brought to you by Quizilla
That was a fun quiz... it's be cool to be like her for a day. Anyway, I'm hooked on "Mary, Mary" it's the best song ever... so much fun music. Gotta love it! Well.. off to school... where I still don't get much done... god damnit... no Charlie today. I have to think. Why must people make things so difficult?
November 23, 2002
Yesterday was Charlie's Birthday... it was much fun, but my fun wasn't with him and his friends... it was with Alex and Amanda and April. We are hilarious. I was counting on a girls night of fun tonight, but now my mom decided she is going to not come home, so I have to babysit... she picks TODAY to sleep over at her boyfriends... PSH! But yea... I've been thinking a lot about the Charlie situation. I don't think I want a boyfriend. But I am content with him. I think I am going to just give it a few more days... if I still feel like a shut-in and too tied down, then I am going to say we are better off as friends. I hate this. I want everything. I want to have him AND have all my freedoms of before. That just doesn't happen though. I have to give it a few more days... and I am leaving in a year, so this can't last. I don't know. I don't know. I made a new layout for my deadjournal and I love it. It's amazing. haha Well... it's cool. It didn't take me nearly as long as the A Perfect Circle one did. There is this song called 'Walk Away' by Christina Aguilera... I love it so much. It reminds me of like a month ago when I still wanted to be Robert's friend. I don't anymore, but that song so fits. I can't stop listening to it. I need to write. I haven't written anything in a few weeks... I need to write something... add to this site. Must look for colleges... need to get things in order. Time is running out. I have all the time in the world.
put rockstar shut-me-ups on your own page!
November 25, 2002
What is wrong? Something must be wrong with me, because I am not happy. Well, I am happy. I am not... euphoric. Aren't you supposed to be giddy when you see your boyfriend? Forget that. I am not going to re-hash that again. Today I got the feeling that I am never going to see Robert again. During anatomy... in the middle of the test, I just got this huge feeling that I will never see him again. Weird. I don't even know how I feel about that. And now I've been thinking about him and that feeling since then. What the fuck. I don't give a shit anymore... but it was still a weird feeling. Maybe I'm thinking too much. Yes, that's it. I can't stop thinking. I need to just go to sleep early today... and dream... hopefully I won't dream of beautiful broken boys in boxes. Say that 5 times fast.
"And it hurts my soul
Cos I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cos I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from"
I love that song... I cant stop listening to it. It's my song. Completely. I think I am just going to get something to eat and then read until I fall asleep. I want to sit outside and smoke a cigarette and look at the stars, but I made a pact with Alex... no cigs. So I won't. And besides, it might kill me. And I have so much left to experiance. I don't want to miss out on anything.
"Words can't bring me down..."
November 27, 2002
I broke up with Charlie yesterday after school. I can't be someone's girlfriend at the moment. It just won't work. I want too much freedom. I want to be the stereotypical teenager. I want to be free and go to clubs and hookup with guys when I please. haha Yea... that sounds horrible, but I am only 17 years old. No one can expect me to be noble all the time. I mean, I do care a lot about him. I would never want to lose him, at all. I just can't be his girlfriend. Not right now, anyway. I wrote a story/journal type thing yesterday. I don't think I am going to add it to my site because it's not very good. I want my good stuff to go up here. But during this break from school, I am hoping to get some reading and writing accomplished. I want to give some books back to people... get some things out of the way... and hopefully I will get some books for Christmas... or money so I can buy some. I love borders. That's the best book store. And the barnes and noble at Riverwalk. I want to go there soon... Fenix Tx is fun... I am listening to them now. I can't wait to go to college. I am going to send out some applications on Monday, hopefully. *crosses fingers* I can't wait. I just I get accepted to places... blah... hopefully.
November 28, 2002
I was forgetting. What part of that don't you understand? Every fucking time I get back to myself... he has to come into my life. We were talking about how we hate each other. Then he tells Jeannine he doesn't hate me. Well I hate him. I hate him for making me mad. I hate him for making me wonder. I hate him for making me cry... happy and sad tears. I hate this. Now I am wondering what is going on in his head. Something must be up. Schemes... I have no clue. Nevermind. He's gone... and I have chocolate.
I want to talk to Charlie, but seeing as how it's a holiday, I won't get to until tomorrow. I was grounded yesterday so I couldnt. Friday is tomorrow... day to party. We must travel... visit people... go wild. Love life. Love you. Must go paint...
December 2, 2002
This weekend rocked the world. I am so fucking happy. And not that kind of happy that makes your stomach move and hands shake... no, that's a different kind of feeling, often mistaken for happy. This is a 'lay in your arms, deep sigh, close your eyes, fall from earth' kind of happy. 10 of us went to Zero Gravity on Saturday. I had so much fun... dancing until I just couldn't anymore. My legs hurt. I was sweating. My ears were ringing, but I was so happy, I could hardly contain myself. Charlie and I are giving it another try... this seems to be going better this time. I am more comfortable with us. I hope this time goes well. I am so happy. I am so glad to finally get back to this place -- this place of happiness. I thought I would never gt back here.
On another note.... Robert unblocked me again... I can't say I'm not... what's the word? relieve will have to work for now. It makes me feel a bit better knowing I'm still
there. Don't ask me why, because I don't know. I just signed on a few minutes ago... and there was his screen name. I do hate him... but I just can't help but wonder...
"If ever these questions were yours what would you say
you don't know
but I'm writing the answers on cheap paper napkins"
December 4, 2002
Everyday just makes me want to run. Run away from here. I want to go. Leave all this behind. Can I go yet? When will it be alright for me to leave? I want to start a new life... away from this town and these people. Robert might work at Hot Topic... MY MALL. I want him gone from this planet. I want him out of my life
PERMANENTLY. I don't want a surprise sighting at the mall when I'm there with my friends. I don't want dirty looks when I am walking around my safety zone... all of Plainfield and Joliet is like my area away from him. He is invading my area. I don't want to have anything to do with him... so now he's going to work with my friend? FUCKER. I hate him. He needs to be gone. Now I understand how people can hate him with such a passion. I can't deal with him.
ok... So it's about half an hour later... I've had a break and time to collect my thoughts. Charlie wrote me a note today... he said he's falling in love with me. My first instict is to run. Get away. Leave as fast as I can... but, I can't do that. I dont
want to do that... it's just a reflex. I do like him... but not to that extent, and he knows this. I guess it just took my by surprise, is all. I need to write a story... WinTer wrote one about us. It's awesome. I love it... seen through her glittering eyes.
December 9, 2002
So I suppose I am done being friends with Lindsey. *shrug* She's either trying to convince me or herself that this is for the best. Yea hunny, in the end... when you look back on all this, I hope you know that it was you who let it go. But besides, I don't need a friend who gets their information about me from other people. She says she doesn't like who I am now... or what she reads from my journals... she just doesn't see the humor. But I can't expect her to. I really truely sincerely hope she is fine with losing the handful of good friends she had... but I guess now that she has Phil, it's all she needs... as long as she can be HONESTLY happy with her losses... then fine. I don't think she understands what she has lost. Apparently, blindness is something she's comforatable with. Whatever. It's not my problem anymore.
"He who stumbles as he dances claims the floor is uneven."
I miss WinTer. She wasn't in school today. *sad face* Hopefully she will be tomorrow... I wanna see her soon... we have to hang out this weekend. She's the other me... :-( I had so much fun with everyone this weekend. This was the best weekend. Amanda and April and Lexa are so much fun. great to hang out with. I love them all. I can't wait for this weekend. It's gonna kick ass. Why? Because they usually do. I am happy now... I have been for a while. However, I was kind of forced to think about things that I have pushed back for a while now. It was in the van with Alex before we went and saw everyone. I didn't even need to say anything... she said to ME what I have been thinking... err.. refusing to think, rather. But it's not like it matters now anyway. I will just get it out through my stories... and make it into art.
Speaking of art::
WinTer and Pixie Witch by:WinTer Wonder
Just A Flower by:Velvet
December 12, 2002
So... it's been a few days and I still haven't come to a decision. I know I have to make one soon... This is killing Charlie and it's killing me. I don't like to see him in pain... and I hate knowing that I'm the one who put him there. I have to have today away from him though... When he kisses me, there is so much emotion behind it... and it makes it that much more difficult... for the both of us. I hate this. RAR!
My mom has her surgery today, so I am home from school to watch the boy... I need to get some shit done... hopefully I can accomplish a lot today. Nice quiet house... I have so much A.I.R. work to do... and I want to write a story. I need to. I have to get everything out. This has been making me sick to my stomach. I need to get things figured out. I want to hide away... but that won't solve anything. :-( I miss WinTer. I only get to see her at lunch... I hope we get to hang out sometime soon... because we really must. I love her so much. We have to just get in the car and drive... to anywhere. Just drive for hours... then turn around and come back. We will come back... but feeling better, from seeing the outside world... outside of Plainfield.
"I fear I have nothing to give... I have so much to lose... There's nothing I'd like better than to fall..." *sigh* Everyone has been giving me their opinion (which I really do want) and they all have said the same thing, oddly enough. I think they believe it's for the best... because some situations are bordering on unhealthy... and WinTer said this, I know she's right. I want to breathe smoke. Just one more time. Fill my lungs. Clear my mind. I want to taste your smoke.
December 18, 2002
So I made my decision... sooo apathetic. Robert is back... and that's where the bulk of my mind is. Unfortunately. I hate him. Blah. Common knowledge. Listening to some live Radiohead. Kick ass dude... kick ass. I am taking a mental health day, today. No school for me. Just sleep and shower and get some homework done. I need to catch up in AIR and I don't wanna see anyone today... so this is the best solution. Don't you think? I think so. Jamie came over yesterday, and I felt instantly better. I love her so much. I have tons on my mind... so she came to talk. We laughed and chatted and now I am better. Then Dominick, Mike, and Charlie came over. :-) We laughed and became perverted. It was grand. Then stupid Robert had to call... and try to irritate me. PSH. hahah That's all I have to say. PSH. I ranted about all of that in my Dead Journal. I must shower soon... *sigh* I already feel less anxious and crazy... this is a grand day off. Then I only have 2 more days of school this week. A day of calm.. I feel calm now. Not rushed or overwhelmed or anxious. I can't wait for this weekend... it's gonna be so fun. :-) I have nothing to say right now...
Squee is so cute... now I'm listening to Something Corporate. GRAND. It's oly 10 in the morning... I will get a journal or two done... then call sir Dominick... wake his ass up. haha It's a week before christmas... and it's raining. I woke up to the sounds of the rain. I miss that. It hasn't rained in sooo long! I love the rain... adding to my good mood. Gotta love it...
December 22, 2002
I am updating this journal because I feel like it... dead journal is making me sick and I don't want to have to deal. I have so much emotion for Robert.... shit shit shit. This is crazy. The only person I even want an opinion from is Alex. She is my world. I would not be whole without her. I love her so much, and as long as I have her approval, everything is good. And I have her approval and support... so I feel good. I know I am going to get so much shit from peope... but I don't care. I don't care about what everyone else thinks. This isn't their life. It's mine. He makes me feel something that no one else has the ability to make me feel. If that makes any sense. He just came back out of nowhere... and I am still in shock. In recovery, maybe. Ah... even though this is not a song to go with the situation, Justin Timberlake is making me feel better. hahahahaha It's because me and Lexa love this song. haha The video rocks... however, I have gotten off track. I really don't want to hurt charlie again... I hate it so much... but I know I can't be with him. It just doesn't seem right... whether Robert was around or not. I care about him so much... but I don't see my feelings growing for him. I just can't picture it. I'm sorry, but I can't. And I know April and Jamie just see this ending badly... but nothing has really begun yet. Nothing was solved or accomplished... just realizations. No, I won't come to either of you if things do not end well. You won't have to worry about that. April and I figured out my element power... it's my effect on people. As hers is, it's a gift... as well as a curse. She knew. She knew all along and she wouldn't tell me. I understand that though... how could she? If I was in her place, I wouldn't be able to find the words to tell her. How do you tell someone... that what they've wished and hoped for... could possibly come true? In a way you didn't think possible? I can't... holy shit... arg. This is so... crazy. This is crazy. That's all me and Alex keep saying.
"just be still.... arms that surround like the sun..." I love this song... it's amazing. Remy Zero - Shattered. It's grand. *sigh* I guess I better stop writing... because it's getting me nowhere. I'm glad I went to the party... I'm glad he was there... I just hope things can get figured out. But, I've already waited 3 months... I can wait longer.
December 25, 2002
It's Christmas time, my dear friends. Yet Again. Another year. Anyway... I'm all of a sudden contemplative... shit. I hate this. I want to creat something. I need to write another story. Stupid muse. Friends. We are friends. I have to keep that in mind. Friends don't have feelings for eachother! Arg... need April. I want to talk to April. Damn holidays. Hopefully I will talk to her sometime tomorrow... or email her or something. I hate the internet. No I don't. I just don't like internet personas. This Jack Off Jill song is awesome. I only heard it like twice... but its awesome. Strawberry Gashes. Nice song... kinda sad... but good none-the-less. oh Geeze... the mom is making me get off line... which means I am going to go read my new book. YAY. Must get to shopping soon! Tomorrow or Friday. Soon.
oh, by the way...
Fallin in love is hard on the knees...
December 27, 2002
I just finished
The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It was quite a good book. I enjoyed it. It was written differently... the main character was writing letters so someone who is unknown to the readers... and thats how you learn about the story-- through his letters. I did a small amount of re-vamping of this site... I need to write more stories and add them to here. Yes... it would make things much better if there was more content. And a pop-up just scared the shit outa me. Nice goin. Nerves. *sigh* I am so bored. I want to go finish dying my hair but Lexa's mom hasta go somewhere... so we will exchange the dye in a few hours. No biggie. I should write some journals for A.I.R. Get some school work done... only one semester left. This song called 'Grey Street' by Dave Mathews Band is awesome... It has grand lyrics. But so do lots of DMB stuff. I want to put something meaningful in here right now... but I just don't know what I could possibly say that would make any difference. Maybe its time to pick up another book.
come dance with me...
December 31, 2002
I have to take things slower... one day at a time, when it comes to Rob. Meaning::: Not worry about being only his friend in the future. I have to handle it one day at a time... because thats why I started to stress. I was thinking about where I was going to be in a month. *sigh* I love him. And I actually have the ability to say that now... admit it to myself. I know he has feelings for me too... but I don't know to what extent. I just have to cross my fingers and hope for the best. Everything happens for a reason.
Last week of break... getting reading done. Spending time alone. I have at least a small amount of time to myself everyday now... and I missed that. During school, I am so busy that I barely have any time for me. Now I sit in my room and watch movies or read. Less stress that way. I want to write.... I haven't in a few weeks... and I would really like to. I just cant seem to get my thoughs in enough of an order to type them out. My mind just wont let me revisit some things... and I am not sure why. Hopefully the road won't be blocked for long.
'solitary girl I have been... living in a cell made of skin..'
January 9, 2003
Things are so confusing... I want to just leave town already. I am not happy. But I am not sad either. I just want to sit, and read, and write, and travel, and talk to the people that matter the most to me. And forget those that don't need my thoughts. Yes. That's what I want. I have to add to this site... but I haven't even been on the computer in a week or so. Yea... I want some beautiful boy to climb his way up to my window and break through the walls of my heart. Is that even possible? Such thick walls. Such a fragile heart to protect.
I've spent so much time living in survival mode
January 16, 2002
I have to run away for just a few moments to myself. I shouldn't have to dodge him just so I can breath in air that is mine... not already been breathed by him. I love him, I do, but I can't live as one. I don't want to hug all the time. I can't have a 3rd arm or extra shadow. Mine do just fine. Somehow things turn around and become my fault. It's me... I'm the reason for all things falling apart. At least, that's how he makes them seem. His mind changes more than mine... I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to keep hearing how I am hurting him or making him cry. That's never been my intention. I just need my own life... not walls of glass he likes to keep me in.
I can taste the smoke. I lick my lips and drink the nicotene lingering on them. This time, it's not remnants from a cancerous kiss, but just my own need to fill my lungs. The scent fills my nostrils, ringing memories in my ears. I'm recreating the very thing I've wanted to escape. Why do I let myself taste death, if it only reminds me of you?
ballerinas have fins that you'll never find
January 27, 2002
I'm addicted to this song... by T.a.T.u. 'All the things she said' it's so fun.... THIS IS NOT ENOUGH!!! Charlie and I are back together. I'm content. I love him. He loves me. We're in love. And I want to dance. I hope this lasts. We both understand each other a bit better now, I believe. He knows when he needs to leave me to myself and I know where NOT to go with him.
'yes, I've lost mind...' I am finally comfortable with him. I hate how it took me so long to get to that place. After Robert, I was really worried that I would not be able to love again... and for a while it was true. It was like something inside of me broke... and it wouldn't fix itself. I couldn't open myself up for another person. But, I can now. And it's great. I love it. I love him. He's good for me. I am good for him... I'm going to drive him insane. I'm an experiance. I'm something that happens to you.
Robert needs to go away. He fooled me twice and all his lies weren't enough to keep me here. I hate myself for falling for it again... and I hate him for lying to me. I feel very betrayed by him and that is something that's hard to mend. I don't think I can ever believe him again. Talking to him causes me pain. I can't explain the type of hurt it is... but it's still hurt. I don't like feeling like I do when he exists. So much conflicting thoughts... and emotions... it's an overload. I need him to disappear. He is one of the reasons why I must leave this place.
Email: a_box_i_choose@hotmail.com
