All I had in mind, Mer, was to just go out with the guys. I never planned on cheating. Never in my life did I think I would do that to you. You have to believe me. I didn’t even mean to ruin our night. First of all, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I forgot about our big plans for that night. I’m sorry that I forgot that it was the night I had promised that I would spend the evening with you inside. Just the two of us. That was my fault. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for getting so drunk I couldn’t even see. The alcohol didn’t help; it impaired my eyesight, my ability to walk, and my judgment. It made me forget who the most important person in my life was. Every night before I go to sleep that night plays in my mind. It doesn’t go away. It haunts me, Mer. You’ve got to believe me.
My plan for that night was to go out with the guys and just have fun. I’ve told you that over and over, Mer. My intention was to come home and go to sleep with you in my arms. Obviously that didn’t happen. I came home with someone other than you and went to bed with her, but we didn’t exactly sleep. I betrayed you. I made myself look like a fool, and I have to live with the fact that I turned my back on something that was important to me. The worst part is still to come, Mer.
The saddest thing I have ever seen in my life was the look on your face. You looked so pained. Probably because I forgot. The look on your face was so sad. Something wasn’t right. I could feel it. The tension was floating in the air like a balloon that was about to burst.
The words that I said were so stupid now that I think about it.
“Mer,” I breathed. “Its not what it looks like.”
You stood there for a moment while I looked down at the girl beneath me. I shut my eyes and sighed. I wasn’t even thinking straight enough to get off her. You looked almost confused.
“It’s not? It’s not what I’m thinking? What does it look like Justin? If its not what I see, then what is it? What the fuck is this?” You screamed with tears pouring down your face. I finally got off of the girl and pulled on my boxers. I pulled on my pants too and watched you carefully, dreading the moment that would happen next.
“Meredith, come on. Stop.” I said chasing you down stairs, forgetting about the brown haired girl in my bed. “Slow down, dammit. I’m drunk!”
“You don’t say.” You said sharply, and turning around when you were finally at the bottom.
“Are you upset?”
“Of course not, Justin. I’m so happy. That’s why I’m crying. These are definitely happy tears. It always makes me want to jump with joy when I see my boyfriend in bed with someone else. Of course I’m not mad, Justin.” You said.
I nodded. You had every right to be angry.
“Justin, why? Why’d you do this to me? I loved you. Do you even know her? Who is she? Why’d you do it? How come? Was I not enough? Justin, I will do anything for you, you know that. I know you do. What did I do wrong?” She said softly, collapsing into the white couch. You put your face in your hands and continued to sob.
“I don’t know. Mer, I didn’t mean to. Honest. Mer, I love you too. I know you know that.”
“But Justin, if you loved me, you wouldn’t have done this. Was I not enough? I want you to be totally honest. I don’t care anymore. It doesn’t matter, because as far as I’m concerned, we’re over. I just want to know.”
“No, Mer. You were everything to me. I honestly don’t know why I did it.” I said kneeling in front of you. I took your hands, but you didn’t want me to touch you. I moved back and sat on the oak coffee table. “Meredith, please don’t leave.”
“Justin, it’s not fair for me to stay when there’s a girl you don't even know upstairs waiting for you. And it’s not fair to me. I want someone who loves me and won’t cheat on me, thanks.”
“Meredith! God! I didn’t mean to! Guys mess up!”
“Justin, I’m not saying that you don’t mess up, but girls mess up too! Don’t go in a rant about how only guys mess up! Justin, this is stupid! It is over, I should leave.” You shouted back. God, Mer. I remember this like it was yesterday.
“Then maybe you should. I don’t wanna see you anymore either. I never even loved you. “ I think that was when it hit you hard. You started to cry again and it broke my heart. I couldn't believe I said those words. You ran of the door and never looked back. I put my head in my hands and started to cry myself. I hate myself, Mer. What have I done?
You so don’t even understand how much of a mistake I have made. Meredith, I’m at the Grammy's right now. We were supposed to go together. You were going to be my good luck charm. Instead, I’m with Emma. She’s not the one you remember. She’s a new one. Yeah, she whispered in my ear, and I bet you’re watching, you’re probably puking your guts out, and I know you saw that smile. God, I wish you didn’t know me as well as you do. And I know you saw me freak out when she grabbed my hand. You were probably laughing at me. You probably don’t even care. You don’t miss me.
I keep thinking that I should call you. Just for a second, and then maybe everything with magically change. Maybe everything will go sparkly and then you’ll be here instead of Emma. Mer, I still love you. I really do.
This next commercial break, I swear to God, I will call you.
“Hello?” You say curiously, I smile.
“Mer,” I say and hear you take a deep breath. “It’s me.”
“Justin.”
“Yeah.” I said glumly. “Hey, listen-”
“I was hoping you would call. I’ve wanted to talk to you for the longest time. I saw you on TV tonight.” You stopped for a moment, but I knew you weren’t finished. “You looked very nice. So... why are you calling?”
“I’m calling Mer because I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry one more time. You don’t have to believe me, but I am. I did love you, I really did. Meredith, I was just so mad because I messed up. I messed up the only stable part of my life. And ever since the night you left I have been miserable. I wanna have you back.” I say quietly. Emma’s not even paying attention, though. She’s flirting with JC, even though he has a girlfriend.
“I want you back too.” You say and I hear you sniffle. I wonder why?
“What’s wrong?”
“I’ve wanted to hear those words for the longest time. Justin, you don’t know how much you mean to me.”
“Mer, I love you too. But the show’s about to start up again and I wish I could leave and see you, but I can’t.”
“Oh, no. It’s ok. Have fun, and don’t be naughty or I might have to just kill you.” You say with a slight laugh, but I knew you were serious.
“Ok Mer, I love you. And I’ll call you later.”
“I love you too. Bye Jus.”
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