Why do you see right through me

*The thing about an addiction is, no matter what it is, once your addicted, the thing, it becomes your God and you'd give ANYTHING to pray at its alter*

I need time to do some things for myself – to love myself. I really think its quite impossible, I don't think I could do it, but who knows I’ve never done that. I’ve always relied on someone else to do it, even if they did it badly. I’d rather be with you, than be with me, and something is wrong with that.

When I look into your eyes I can see a love restrained But darlin' when I hold you Don't you know I feel the same 'Cause nothin' lasts forever And we both know hearts can change And it's hard to hold a candle In the cold November rain We've been through this auch a long long time Just tryin' to kill the pain But lovers always come and lovers always go An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today Walking away If we could take the time to lay it on the line I could rest my head Just knowin' that you were mine All mine So if you want to love me then darlin' don't refrain Or I'll just end up walkin' In the cold November rain Do you need some time...on your own Do you need some time...all alone Everybody needs some time... on their own Don't you know you need some time...all alone I know it's hard to keep an open heart When even friends seem out to harm you But if you could heal a broken heart Wouldn't time be out to charm you Sometimes I need some time...on my own Sometimes I need some time...all alone Everybody needs some time... on their own Don't you know you need some time...all alone And when your fears subside And shadows still remain I know that you can love me When there's no one left to blame So never mind the darkness We still can find a way 'Cause nothin' lasts forever Even cold November rain Don't ya think that you need somebody Don't ya think that you need someone Everybody needs somebody You're not the only one You're not the only one

My Diary

"Courage doesn't always roar. sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow."-Mary Anne Radmacher-Hershey

February 12, 2002 All my life I've loved the cold, I hated the hot weather and I preferred the rain. I dreaded the ending of winter, but for some reason this year, I'm sick of the cold. I long for the warmth and the ninety degree summer days. I don't want to see any more rain. I want to go outside. Just sit on my deck, just to sit in the sun, not hiding away in a dark corner like I have done in the past. Something is gone, I don't know what it is, but I've changed, and I really believe it is for the better. I've been thinking about the word happy lately. What happy means to me, what it meant to me, and what it means to other people. When I think of myself about two months ago and you asked me when I was happy I would tell you a weird thing. I had such a distorted idea of what happiness was. When I think of times I thought I was happy, I forget the other things that were going on. These were the months that I spent three days in a psychiatric hospital and most of the summer going to an out patient program at the hospital. I spent days hiding inside my house, everyone elses skin was tanned from the summer sun while mine remained ghost white. Going to the hospital didn't bother me very much and atually a part of me even liked going to the out patient program. When in the hostpial I thought alot. One guy, the guy who gave us our medication said that I didnt' belong there, but I believe I did and that going there was a very good thing for me. This makes me think of the split I've read about, that when you are a kid sometimes you are so happy and carefree (I was not one of these cases) but then upon entering middle school or even earlier you split into two people. One who is you, you're authentic self and the other is how you are supposed to act, to please other people. I've been trying to fool people for so long that I don't even know which is my true and which is my authentic self, but I do know that the guy at the hospital was talking about my false self. My self that is quiet and keeps everything inside, who always has a smile on her face to hide what is really going on inside. I'd rarely say what was on my mind, but rather say something that was socially acceptable, or something that made me seem to be a really nice, happy person. My authentic self isn't like this. My authentic self says whatever is on her mind, my authentic self sometimes thinks things that scares me. My authentic self is hurt very easily, and is very delicate with her emotions. I don't know its hard to explain, espeically when I am still not sure who I really am. As I sit here writing this, I see one of my best friends heart breaking before my eyes. It hurts so much for me to watch all of my friends lives being torn apart. They're on the verge of breakdown but there is nothing I can do to help them. I understand their misery and I wish I could share my experinces with them to do something to help. To tell them what their experiences are, that everyone goes through them and that they will survive, but instead I sit here being a silent observer knowing that there is nothing that can be done. Its so sad how people hide their trueselves, there is one person in my life who I have said knows the most about me, but I think maybe he knows the most about me because he knows that the person I am around people isn't my true self, but he doesn't really know my true self. If you asked him if I liked to read, he'd say no, if only he know how much I love reading and that I try to read every book I can get my hands on. Sometimes I wonder about the emotional differences between guys and girls. One of my friends is very mad and depressed about her boyfriend just breaking up with her, and he sits with her and talks to her like nothing happned, same thing with my exboyfriend. Is it that they were just playing us the entire time so they really don't care that they hurt us or that its over or are they really just that good at pretending. I guess the sexes will never understand eachother. People are so good at hiding that they are hurting inside, especially me. Just put a smile on your face and that makes everything all right. You never hear anyone tell a guy to just smile. Girls are supposed to mask their feelings, its incredibly awful because there is so many suicide attempts so much pain because of how much we keep inside and to pretend we're okay.

February 13, 2002 My cousin was at my house the day that i went to the psychiatric hospital. i went ot the social workers office with my mother, and we left my cousin at home with the rest of my family. it was supposed to be a short visit, but i ended up in a psychiatric hospital. i still to this day do not know what they told my cousin. i know they called my aunt to come and get her, and i know that my aunt knows what happened and where i went. all i know is that my cousin cried a bit in the car on the way home, then didn't say anything at all, went to her friends house when she got home and it thats all i know. shes never mentioned it to me and i am very glad that she hasn't. its very hard to have someone younger than you, a cousin perhaps, who has looked up to you their whole life, and to have them see that you have weaknesses to see that maybe you aren't the perfect person to be looked up to. to see you at your weakest moment, and to realize that this person isn't what you thought they were. it hurts me to have my cousin to have been there that day, and it hurts me to have my cousin know that i'm not perfect, and it hurts me that my cousin cried because she left my house that day. i dont' know why she was crying. i don't know if she knows why she left. all i know is that she was there, and now she knows that i'm far from perfect, even though i'm sure she knew it all along.

February 14, 2002 I lied and said I didn't love him anymore. I told myself that you don't love him anymore. he wasn't right for you. that wasn't true love, and that made me get better faster, that made me recover faster, but then when i was at the height of my new life without him i realized, what are you saying? you love him with all your heart and its as strong as it ever was. i said that if he wanted to come back ot me i'd say no, just to prove to myself i didn't need him, but the truth is i'd beg at his feet to take me back if i felt it would work, but i know that nothing would work. and it hurts so much to love someone so much and not beable to talk to them. i stole two years of his life from him and now he's getting them back. he's so happy, he loves his life, and i can't do anything to ruin that, because i don't want to and because he wouldn't let me. i hate that he can be so incredibly happy without me and i wish i knew if he ever thinks of me or not, or if he ever loved me, or if he still does but...i know i can't know any of those things because i know that i'm not allowed to talk to him. i know i can't. even though i love him so much.

February 17, 2002 Have you ever loved someone? I mean really loved someone? So much that you would die for them? There are several people in my life I would die for, I doubt any of them would die for me, but I've learned it doesn't matter how people feel about you, it rarely changes how you feel about them. Lets see...theres my best friend Kirstin. I would die for her in a second. Shes such a great person I wish she knew it. I would die for my cousin, just because shes my cousin and I love her. Shes the type of person that if she went to my school and we weren't related we would have nothing to do with eachother, but the rare fact that we're cousins has brought us together and we have a lot of fun together. I would die for my friend Christina. I know she wouldn't die for me, but I love her. Shes a real pure genuine person, there aren't many people out there like that anymore. I would die for Kathy Drummond. I love her, shes like another mom for me. I would die for my friend Courtney. Shes great. And of course theres my Melecita. Melissa Lynn Velleca. I love her so much, shes such a wonderful person. Its very odd I consider her one of my best friends yet we know nothing about eachother. Its funny. She keeps everything inside, but she handles herself and everything wonderfully. I would die for my sister Lindsay. We're not close at all like most sisters, but I like her sometimes. I would die for my mother because I know she would do it for me and I respect her for still loving me after all the things I have put her through. I would die for Rebecca. I've known her since I was in elementary school, and even though she can be selfcentered at times shes a good person deep down. I would die for my Nana because shes a wonderful woman. Shes funny and she loves me. I would die for Earl because, well, I've never loved anyone the way I love him and I dont' think I will ever love anyone else this way. He's great and although I wish he would die sometimes and I wish I would have never met him, I love him. Despite everything I still love him, and even more than dying for him, I love him enough to leave him alone, and to let him be happy without me even though its killing me inside. There are other people I would die for, that I probably just can't think of at the moment, and there are other people that I would that I don't want to mention, but you get the jist of it. Its completely amazing to me that I am capable of caring so much for people. I used to be cold as ice and I didn't care about anyone, not even myself. I didn't need anyone, but that changed and now I need certain people. It would be difficult living without my friend Kirstin or knowing that my cousin wasn't around anymore. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about some people dying. Notice that I dont' say that I couldn't live without someone, or I coudln't survive without them because I know thats not true. There is this one person that I thought I couldnt' live without, but I was wrong. I was devasted when I knew he wasn't going to be a part of my life anymore, he said we'd be friends forever, but I knew it woudln't happen, and I was right. Haven't talked to him since January 26 2002 and I dont' know if I will ever talk to him again. But I'm okay with that. I've established my life without him and I hate to say it but I'm happy for the first time in my life since before I was in 7th grade. I cut myself worse than ever, but I'm happy. Its ironic, but I'm happy. I don't need to cut I think its just an addiction. I'm done with therapy and I don't have to ever go back. I'm happy. Its so nice to say that and have it be true, something that hasn't happened in years. I still miss him. I miss him alot. But i've accepted that he's gone forever, and I'm happy for him that he's happy in his life, even if he doesn't want anything to do with me. I stole two years of his life away from him and now he's getting them back. I love him. Alot. and I know that its very weak but I would go running back to him if he wanted me to. Even though I know he wouldn't. But like I said it doesn't bother me anymore. I don't even want to know whats going on in his life. I just want him to be happy thats it. and its an extra bonus that I'm happy too.

February 18, 2002 Cutting is a beautiful thing. Most people would look at me like I'm crazy after just saying that, but unless you do it, you would never understand. I love to cut, even more I love looking at my cuts after I'm done, and I love even more than that watching the blood flow out of my arm, or my leg, or whereever I chose to cut that day. Its the most beautiful thing to me, and I love it. I know its not good for me, and I know I will eventually stop someday. Actually I did stop from November 2001 to late December 2001, but then something happened and I needed to cut myself again, and now its worse than ever. Its an addiction, and its something that is a part of me even though most people probably think its sick. There are several reasons why people cut themselves. The most popular reason is to get emotions out that you keep inside. It externalizes the pain that you wouldn't beable to help if you left it inside. It gives you this unbelievable high, this sense of control on your life, and just this relaxed feeling. It gives you a rapid release of tension and anxiety. I'm reading a book on cutting right now, The Bright Red Scream, a very good and informative book by the way, and anyways, it has personal stories in it and one man describes cutting as better than sex. Yes, better than sex. People reading this who don't cut would probably think thats a bunch of shit and that man probably never had sex so he wouldn't know. What if I told you he had, and cutting was better. I'd believe him, because I know personally how wonderful cutting can be. Another reason people cut is because of histories of abuse, sexual, physical, mental, emotional, whatever, for some reason abuse triggers people to cut. Cutting also gives you an escape from an empty feeling. Some people feel so empty, so depressed, that they question whether they are really alive or exsisting anymore. Cutting proves it. You know you're alive if you bleed. Sounds kind of silly, but its true, and it works, and helps people like this alot. It allows them to do something that they haven't been able to do, and that is to feel. Some people use self-mutliation as a way to punish themselves this can be directly related to abuse, they think they are being abused because they are being bad or doing something wrong, so they need to punish themselves. Or it may just be to punish themselves for not being good enough, for whatever reason they think they aren't, cutting helps. Cutting gives you a sense of control, a great one, when you're life is spinning out of control. A misconception about cutting is that people do it to hurt other people, to use them and make them feel guilty. While this can be the case sometimes it is very rare, and I am still to meet someone who does this. If you can't believe that, think about the great lengths cutters go to hide they're cuts. Wearing long sleeve shirts in the middle of a 90degree summer day, cutting themself in the oddest places, cutters are, for the most part, embarassed and ashamed of what they've done if other people see it. There are millions of reason why people cut, but, many people who self-injure, they don't know why they do it. Another misconception is that self-injury is directly related to a suicide attempt, or a want to be dead. In most cases this isn't true, in most cases, cutting yourself is helping yourself, even though it may sound weird but it is, it is actually pretty far from suicide, because people who cut are trying to deal with emotions so they dont' become too overwhelming, so they eventually won't lose control and try to kill themselves. Cutting is a way of coping, a way of dealing with the stresses life can give us.

A few poems about cutting-

Do I deserve? By "Jan" reprinted from the issue #43 issue of cutting edge

Do I Deserve?

"It must be my fault" I say thats the reason things are this way. I dont know why. i dont know how. But I must take my punishment now.

Why is suffering a must? Why can't I find someone to trust? Unfortunatly, I know no other way. I must cut. I must burn. I must bleed today.

All the scars on my body show, The pain and the torture I well know. I want to be strong. I want to be free of the haunting feelings inside of me.

Could it be possible? Is there a hope? Might I find another way to cope? To be able live injury free would be the best gift I could imagine for me

Poem by a Cutter

Burning pain in my arms, Stops the burning tears. Slicing the skin calms my doubts, And helps erase my fears. The anger is so strong at times, And my pain becomes too much. And I long to feel the calmness, Of the knife's forgiving, tender touch. As I watch my blood pour, My sanity soars. And I long to feel the pain once more. To those who may not do this, I probably sound insane. But this is the only way I know how... To ease the blinding pain.

Broken Child

A little girl-so sweet & shy a trusted uncle made her cry from ages 6 to 12 years old "it's our secret" he said - she never told growing up feeling empty & lost did he know how much it would cost? No! he didn't care about the child standing there dealing with self-hatred - drowning in tears he just cared about his sexual needs now she stands here - needing to bleed taking a razor - being precise cutting her arm - slice after slice feelings of anger & love betrayed for years she kept quiet & always obeyed until she could keep it no longer inside Too much pain - she wanted to die how could he do that to a child? messing up her head - innocence defiled its just too hard - day after day so this is what I have to say take a knife - cut it deep drops of blood before I sleep if I die before I wake life was just too cruel to take relief is felt & blood flows red feeling alive - instead of dead self-hatred, anger, guilt flow out total satisfaction - without a doubt fighting depression everyday insecurities & fear along the way low self-esteem, feelings of dispair but nobody ever said life was fair There's alot of us here - you see abused, broken, wanting to be free were afraid, scarred, needing care looking for help - is anyone there? Don't look at us in disgust a non-judgemental attitude is a must remember we're still lost children inside running from the pain we try to hide just reach out & be a friend dont lie to us or try to pretend give us comfort when we cry so we dont give up & decide to die scars tell a story of the pain inside revealing our secrets we try to hide showing the misery that alot of us share hoping & praying someone will care maybe if you look deep in my eyes you'll see the child behind the cries & the things that murdered her soul & the self-hatred that's taking its toll we numb our brains to stay alive whatever we have to do to survive we cut ourselves & burn our skin to punish ourselves & get rid of sin we're looked upon as freaks & outcasts but were just trying to get rid of the past to destroy the images & lies that were told that left us broken, messed up & cold if you really listen & try to understand maybe I'll trust you & take your hand just listen to me when I need your ears give me your arms to hug away my fears help me rip out the crazy thoughts inside & try to find the part of me that died help me to like myself again stick with me & be a true friend- By Kathy B

February 21, 2002 As I think about it more and more I think that maybe he never did love me. I mean I'm sure he did as a friend, but not as anything more. Because I truly believe there is only one love out there for everybody, and that you would fight till the death for it. And he gave up. He ran away from the hard times we had and went the easy way out...breaking up with me. I believe true love conquers all and that if he really loved me the way he said he did then he would have known that and he would have fought for it. he wouldn't have thought that he was only 17 and needed to do other things that he couldn't take the pressure because if he loved me he would have bared it he wouldn't have left me here alone like he did. and even though he hurt me so much. i still love him with all my heart.. even though i don't believe he loves me anymore.. i still love him. and i would fight to the death for him. but he wont' let me talk to him. so i can't. but despite everything. i still love him. but then again maybe what I feel for him isn't love because like I said I believe there is only one true love out there for anyone, maybe its just an infatuation maybe its just I love him a lot as a friend. or maybe it is real. i guess i won't find that out for a while.

February 24, 2002 Sometimes when it hurts like hell you just have to keep smiling. because sometimes you can't change things no matter how much you want to. you miss someone so much but you can't have them, its not your choice to make even though you know that you would go running bck to them in a second except, you know they would never ask you to, or never want you to. so you just have to smile. you have to try to let go even though that is the hardest thing to do sometimes. just be happy that they're happy and be happy that you were happy together once. you have a wonderful memory now. you may never see that person again, but sometimes theres nothing you can do about that. so you have to just face your future, even if you have to do it alone.

March 2, 2002 I'm finally 17.. its not even that i'm happy to be 17 its more like i'm happy that i'm not 16 anymore. i have to say 16 was probably one of the worst years of my life. well actually i could even say it was the best year of my life. it was both. but there are so many things that happened that year that i wish never happened. its started out a good year. my 6 best friends at the time threw me a mini surprise party, ya know just us girls..it was great actually. it was kirstin, melissa, christina, rebecca, courtney, and shannon. i'm still friends with most of them except i dont' really talk to shannon anymore really. lets see the next big event was probably april 11 that was a good day. then came june 11 another good day or at least at the time it was good day. of course these weren't just happy times because in reality i was extremely depressed and suicidal. i tried to kill myself several times, and i cut myself all the time. then came the end of june when i spent a few days in a psychiatric hospital. then the rest of the summer i went to an outpatient program every day. i guess i just got fed up with hiding everything with my happy face. but then again the only reason why they let me out of the hospital and the only reason i finally "graduated" from the outpatient program was that i was a good actress. i pretended that i was getting better when really there was absolutly no progress going on. there were some good days in august but then everything got out of hand again. i made a huge mistake of letting my parents find out about something. things got bad. school started but i didn't go.. i went two days and then i didn't go for like two weeks. then things got bearable when they promised me that something would happen in october. it was difficult to stay alive between september to october but somehow I did it and it was worth it in the end. but then after the event in october things got bad again. but someone promised me that it would all be alright, they were wrong. november came around and things started going downhill fast. my dreams all fell apart one by one. december came and well that was hell. december to january brought along some of the best acting of my life. the thing that was supposed to make me better in december slowly just made me fall apart more. then january 7th came and i was basically just a puddle on the floor. i was all alone and i had to pick myself up with no ones help. somehow i did it. i don't know how. but i did. february was a good month. for the first time in years i was happy. but see the end of february wasn't so hot. things kept reminding me of things.. now i get depressed every once in a while. but i'm able to keep myself together some how. who knows where this year will take me. but hopefully it won't carry the drama or the heartbreak that last year did.

March 4, 2002 I'm not sure exactly when I started cutting myself. I think it was around june of my freshman year. but maye it was earlier. I mean there were times I tried to slit my wrists in middle school, but that doesn't count as cutting because cutting and a suicide attempt are two totally different things. I was sitting in my room watching Mulan on the disney channel and for some reason i got the urge to cut my foot. My bare foot was just lying there and for some reason i couldn't stop thinking about cutting it. So I did it. I used a box cutting. I remember that it didn't hurt at all, cutting never hurt actually. It felt good. Soon after I started cutting my feet my sister came home, and I quickly ran out to greet her, first putting socks on, so she wouldn't think anything was up. After that I didn't really cut often. After the first time it didn't really seem like I'd do it ever again. But when I was in late 10th grade it got really bad. I began using my nails, I would just dig and dig at the skin on my arm and I have a permanent scar on my ankle from it. Actually I remember when I made the cut on my ankle. I was sitting in my dad's car waiting for him in a store and I got that urge again and I just did it and it felt so good. The skin just scraped off so easily. My friend Kirstin saw it I don't know what she thought it was from, because I woudln't tell her, but without questioning me she brought in these extra big bandaids for me. At one point I had a band of cuts done with my nails around my wrist. It was so beautiful to me. Of course this was late 10th grade, and in the early summer, so my mother found it quite suspicious that I was wearing a long sleeved shirt all the time. Eventually she found me out and made me tell the psychiatrist. After that I became very good at hiding my cuts, actually almost too good.

March 9, 2002 "People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be." That quote was said by the 16th president of the United States of America, Abraham Lincoln. I am disgusted to read that a man who ran this country, and who freed African Americans from slavery would say such a thing, and then be famous for it. I disagree with this quote tremendously. Saying that you are just as happy as you tell yourself to be is lying to yourself, and lying to yourself would mean pretending to be happy when your really not. Thats the root of so many suicides, depression cases, and people who cut themselves. Someone I used to know said to me "Happiness is 90% perception and 10% reality." Maybe this is true, but as hard as you may try you can't control how you feel about things. Believe me I've tried, and all I ended up doing was lie to myself, and thats not fair. The truth is you can't just be happy, as much as some people want to think that, its impossible. If something is wrong you can't just ignore it and say it doesn't bother you and act happy, because then you wouldn't be being truthful to yourself, and the problem wouldn't go away it would just be burried under lies and it will come out and haunt you again someday. You have to face the problem head on and try to solve it, only then can you truly be happy.

March 12, 2002 Sometimes I want to crawl back into my dark corner. To be lost in that dark place in my mind again. To give up and not try to fight this thing anymore. Sometimes its better to just be that way than to fight. Because fighting all alone, its just too hard sometimes.

March 26, 2002 Recently, there has rarely been a situation in which I felt inferior to anyone else. I really believe that everyone is equal, whether people believe it or not. So anyways basically no one has been able to hurt me or offend me. The only reason I am ever upset is because of something I did, not because of something someone else did. I am the only one who can control how I think about things, and no one can make me feel bad about myself. I have only found two situations where I feel inferior to anyone else. One, of course, is when my brother is home. I act like a little kid around him, I hate it. I never have an intelligent thing to say around him because no matter what he'll just try to make me feel stupid. So around him, I just crawl into my shell and act like a stupid little sister. I don't think I've ever been myself when he was around. The other situation was this past weekend, Palm Sunday, I went to my Dad's mother's house, my Nana. She a wonderful lady and I love her a lot, but she and her children are so completely racist it makes me sick. She asked me how I was doing in school, and I said not great, but not awful, which is the truth. And she said well as long as you don't let those "mulons"(I don't know how to spell it, but I think it is pronounced mool- yan) get ahead of you. My Nana is very Italian. This word is a word used by Italians sometimes referring to "colored skin people". What the term technically means is eggplant, but that is what they would call them. It makes me sick to my stomach to listen to her, my Uncle George, my Aunt Susie, and my father talk to eachother. Have we made no progress? And its sickening to hear it because they make me second guess myself. They make me feel like the naive, and wrong one thinking that people are equal. I'm just a little goody-two shoes who doesn't know anything. I can't even say anything around them because it is literally 4 against one. Its awful. I just leave the room, I can't listen to it. I dunno, but the point of all this is that I, like anyone else, hate being made to feel lower than anyone else. Its hard for anyone else to make me feel bad about myself, because no one elses opinion of me should really matter except my own, and I know, I am way too hard on myself, I think I am an awful person, but thats another topic for another day. Thats different because thats me making myself feel awful about myself, not anyone else. But I've encountered two situations where people make me feel awful about myself, one is my brother, he always has made me feel like I am a no good awful human being, if I even deserve to call myself a human being, and when I go to my Nana's house and listen to their, racist, completely sickening views on different topics, but thats just my opinion.

April 8, 2002 I was watching the discovery channel the other night, real late. There was this thing on about these people who just snapped. Like this one guy he remembers being a little kid, 7 years old, and having the desire to kill women. All his life he hid it, he was just a normal guy, then when he was in his 30's he couldn't take it anymore, he snapped and he killed these 3 women. He was scared to death but he satisfied his desire to kill. He wasn't just this sick 30 year old man. When he was 7 years old he had these desires, just a little kid. I dunno, I almost can't blame him for killing those women, he just couldn't take his own madness anymore. He couldn't hide it anymore. Honestly I'm more sorry for the man than the women he killed.

April 9, 2002 I hate when you think you have it all figured out. Life's tough but in the end you'll make it. What was I gonna do? oh yes...I was going to finish high school, graduate in june of 2003. Then in the fall of 2003, I was planning on going to college, most like the University of Connecticut (UCONN). There I was going to participate in the pre-med program. After my first four years I would stay at UCONN for med-school. Then after probably about 12 years of college I would be a Doctor of Psychiatry. None of the other shit was gonna matter, I was just gonna do what I needed to do to have a job, a future and let everything else take care of itself. It almost seemed easy, too good to be true, to have everything figured out, then I realized that it may be a lot harder than I make it sound to myself. There is only one person that will make it harder for me, and that is me. I'm always playing mind games with myself, drive myself crazy really. But as long as I can keep it under control I was gonna be okay. Just focus on your goal, don't let anything else get in your way. Don't think about all the other stuff, in the long run you'll be thankful. But what if I never get to the long run. Claiming madness and going back to the social worker or psychiatrist or psychologist or whatever would be taking the easy way out. No, I have to fight this thing myself, but its hard to fight yourself by yourself. I'm supposed to be strong. My name, Bridget, means great strength. Someone once told me I was strong, but that person also told me other things that were lies, so that wasn't really a reliable source. I got my SAT scores back the other day. Ya know, stupid me. I took pride in the fact that maybe, just maybe I was smart. Well guess what, anyone who thought I was, I guess I fooled you pretty good cuz it turns out I'm pretty fucking dumb. Wanna hear something crazy. I mess up money and time. Like if someone says something costs a $1.50. I'll give them $2.00 expecting 10 cents back. Or if something costs $1.70, I'll think thats the same thing as telling me whatever it is costs $2.10. Now do you believe how stupid I am? I'm not lying either. I honestly mess this stuff up. And I honestly have to think really hard about it for a while to remember that time and money are different. You know my favorite thing to do is to be alone. You know what my least favorite thing to do is? Be alone. When I'm alone my mind spins in cirlces. Sometimes I love to think. Its amazing some of the things you come up with. But 75% of the time (1:15) its scary being alone. I think and I think and I come up with these stories. Yea stories. Like you pretend things are true that aren't true. I pretend a lot of things. Sometimes I'm 2 years old, other times I'm 52. I just lie there. I close my eyes and I pretend. Some people will never know what it means to be alone in your head. I know it far too well. My eyes hurt I think so much. I feel like screaming and sometimes I do. Sometimes I can sit perfectly still for hours almost like catatonically and other times my hands like spasm.. they have to move, can't sit still somethings gotta be moving. No ones supposed to read this, so I'm hoping no one reads this, I'm pretty sure no one does. I don't think anyone has the website. If they do, fuck I dont' wanna know what they hell they think of me. But who the hell cares? I do, unfortunetly. I wish I could just sit here and type all day long, but I can't cuz, I can't. I'm afraid of the things that will come out. I'm afraid to put certain things in writing. There are so many things I'm hiding up there in my head. So many things that I swore to myself I would never tell anyone, and that I would never ever write down cuz if I did someone may find out. Someone may think I'm crazy. I dont' think I'm crazy. Everyone's a little crazy. Who knows though right? I gotta stop now though, I promised I wouldn't say anything, so I won't.

April 11, 2002 Today was the initial meeting of the National Honor Society. Kirstin, Maria, Rebecca and Christina were all invited, but I wasn't. Another thing to show me my mistakes, to show me how stupid I really am. And it just keeps getting pointed out to me this past week. I can't stand it anymore. I don't know what to do. What's the point in trying I'm just going to fail everything anyways? The thing is I don't know what to do. Courtney seems to think I'm some kind of genius, I guess Courtney doesn't know me if she thinks that. I wish I could talk to Earl about this he would say the right thing, he always does, but we all know I can't. I can't give in. I have to do this on my own. I have to be able to rely on myself and only myself. I've learned that I can't rely on others because no matter how much you trust someone no matter how much they say they'll always be there for you, the fact of the matter is, people change. They may never expect it themselves, but you can never say you'll always be there because you really don't know. You don't know anything. You can't rely on anyone because just when you need them the most, they leave, and they don't want to see you or hear from you or know that you exists ever again, so I have to learn to rely on myself because I'm the only one I can count on, but the person that I trust the least, the person that I have the least faith in, is myself.

April 11, 2002(part 2) I am an awful person. I hurt the person I love most in this world, and I could never punish myself enough for that. I am sorry to admit, but I have not suffered enough yet, I have not punished myself, I've been so stupid. I need to be hurt, I need to be killed, I need to be punished. I need to be with the lowest of the low and then they'll still be too good for me. I've always known I was an awful person. I can be manipulative, I can be cruel, I can be mean, yet I can still love. Through all of that I can still love, and that is by far still the strongest emotion that I have in me. I'm tired, and I'm worn out. You can tell that just by looking at me. I've given up on myself, I know there is no helping me. I hate that it is such a beautiful day outside today. It is cold. Probably around 60-70 degress. I've been shivering all day, but it is still not right that it is sunny out. Its like being at war, Vietnam say, and the landscape is absolutly breathtaking, and you can't help but look at its beauty, but then inside there is a voice telling you to get yourself together, you're in a goddamn war its not beautiful. It is the fault of all man kind, it is ugly, and it needs to stop. But you still can't help but to notice the beauty. I hate it when I smile, I hate it when I laugh, I hate it when I am happy and I hate it when someone actually cares about me. I don't deserve it because of what I have done. I just wish someone could see that behind all that complete and utter ugliness there is a heart. But then again maybe there isn't, I'm really not that sure sometimes. Maybe I am just a cold, manipulative, awful person, and deep down I'll always be that way. But I really hope not, cuz I can't take hurting someone I love again. I don't know if it even makes a difference to them, but it does to me. And I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore.

April 19, 2002 I can't do this anymore. Its too crazy. But I dont' know what to do. Part of me says to say goodbye, part of me says to say nothing, and part of me says to keep hope. But maybe I'm wasting my hope, I have very little and maybe I need to install it into myself and not someone or something other than me. I hate that I disagree with myself. I hate that my mind changes every two seconds. I dont' know what to do. The cutting is back again. I'm doing very well with hiding it. My mother told me how proud she is of me the other day. That I've grown so much in the past few months, that I am doing wonderfully. God that makes me feel so awful, so guilty, so scared. Why am I cursed with being such a magnificent liar? Such a magnificent actress? It is an awful curse and I have no idea on how to fight it. Part of me doesn't even want to fight it because its all I know, and the truth, the real world, its much too scary, much too cruel, and much too unkind for me. I am weak and I can't survive out there, especially alone, which is something that is very much the truth right now. I need to stay in my little, safe, world that I am in right now, but this world which is supposed to be so safe is tearing me apart when I am forced into society and out of my head. But then that is a rare event since even when I do leave my house, when I do leave my room, I am still in my little world. I know that is not a smart thing to do, its not a good thing to have the two worlds combine, especially since they are so different, but I can't just cross over into the real world, not like this, not alone, not without him. Fuck I dont' know what to do. I need to talk to someone, but they'll all think I'm crazy. I dont' know what to do.

April 22, 2002 I wish I understood things. I wish I had the answers to everything. I don't, I know that, I've always known that, I just wish I did. I heard talking helps, and it does. I haven't cut since Saturday. Its hard, but I never thought it wasn't going to be. I have to get better, and although what is pushing me to get better isn't exactly the best backing, its something, and thats more than I've had for a few months now. I used to search for a reason not to cut, to get myself to not do it, but I couldn't ever find one. The social worker I used to go to, Christine, she explained cutting in an odd way. The truth is, she didn't understand it at all. And I know, talking to me, or any other cutter she knew, in the back of her mind she must have been wondering how anyone could do that. Its rare you find someone who understands and knows how to deal with a cutter, but the hardest person for a cutter to deal with is themselves. I asked myself last night, how do you know its for real this time? How do you now you're not really getting better, how do you know its not gonna last like all the other times? I think the, difference, between this time and the other times is that I don't feel better. I'm not all of a sudden happy and in a great mood. I'm still hurting inside and I have accepted that this time. I know that I have to deal with that. I have to keep pushing, I need to fight. Someone told me that you should fight if you think its worth fighting for, no matter how hard it is, you have to fight, no matter how much it seems like there is no hope, you have to keep fighting if you think its worth fighting for. I have to put myself on the line. I have to stand over the edge of the cliff and try to fight from falling. I have to hold on with all I can, by myself, until someone comes to help me. But if no one comes, I still have to keep fighting, I have to get up the cliff, maybe I never will, but if I do, it will be worth the fight. Sometimes I want to give up, but I think to myself, whats another day? Put if off one more day, try one more day, hope for one more day, and even if I'm not happy the next day I can tell myself the same thing over again. Just don't do it tonight Brie, hang on one more day. I can't fake it anymore. I can't. As much as my faking it helps over people, and keeps me safe. I can't do it because it tears me down. I can't let myself break. For once in my life, I need to care about me. I need to be able to have a bad day and not hide it from people. I need to smile and have it be a real, pure smile. I have to stop protecting other people. Am I cured? no, not at all. But am I getting better? Do I see that maybe, maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel? I can honestly say I do. I know there is a big difference between reaching that light and seeing it. But isn't seeing it the first step towards reaching it?

May 17 2002 They told me that he lied, that he used me, that I was a pawn. They told me I was used, that it was all made up for his benefit. I wonder if they are right.

May 20 2002 I don't believe them, and I won't believe them until I hear the words from his mouth.

The End

A Poem by Pablo Neruda(Yes, it is in Spanish)

Poema 20

Puedo escribir los versos mas tristes esta noche.

Escribir, por ejemplo: "La noche esta estrellada, y tiritan, azulex, los astros a lo lejos."

El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.

Puedo escribir los versos mas tristes esta noche. Yo la quise y a veces ella tambien me quiso.

En las noches como esta la tuve entre mis brazos. La bese tantas veces bajo al cielo infinito.

Ella me quiso, a veces yo tambien la queria. Como no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.

Puedo escribir los versos mas tristes esta noche. Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.

Oir la noche inmensa, mas inmense sin ella. Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el racio.

Que importa que mi amor no pudiera guarderla. La Noche esta estrellada y ella no esta conmigo.

Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos. Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca. Mi corazon la busca, y ella no esta conmigo.

La misma noche que hace blanqueer los mismos arboles. Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.

Ya no la queiro, es cierto, pero cuanto la quise. Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oido.

De otro. Sera de otro. Como antes de mis besos. Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.

Ya no la queiro, es cierto pero tal vez la quiero. Es tan corto el amor, ya es tan largo el olvido.

Porque en noches como esta la tuve entre mis brazos, mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Aunque este sea el ultimo dolor que ella me causa, y estos sean los ultimos versos que yo le escribo.- Pablo Neruda un poeta de chile.

Standing here The old man said to me "Long before these crowded streets Here stood my dreaming tree" Below it he would sit For hours at a time Now progress takes away What forever took to find Now he's falling hard He feels the falling dark How he longs to be Beneath his dreaming tree Conquered fear to climb A moment froze in time When the girl who first he kissed Promised him she'd be his Remembered mother's words There beneath the tree "No matter what the world You'll always be my baby" Mommy come quick The dreaming tree has died The air is growing thick A fear he cannot hide The dreaming tree has died Oh have you no pity This thing I do I do not deny it All through this smile As crooked as danger I do not deny I know in my mind I would leave you now If I had the strength to I would leave you up To your own devices Will you not talk Can you take pity I don't ask much But won't you speak Please From the start She knew she had it made Easy up 'til then For sure she'd make the grade Adorers came in hordes To lay down in her wake She gave it all she had But treasures slowly fade Now she's falling hard She feels the fall of dark How did this fall apart She drinks to fill it up A smile of sweetest flowers Wilted so and soured Black tears stain the cheeks That once were so admired She thinks when she was small There on her father's knee How he had promised her "You'll always be my baby" "Daddy come quick The dreaming tree has died I can't find my way home There is no place to hide The dreaming tree has died" Oh if I had the strength... Take me back Save me please- Dave Matthews Band

Even on a day like this when you're crawling on the floor Reaching for the 'phone to ring anyone who knows you anymore It's all right to make mistakes, you're only human Inside everybody's hiding something Staring at the same four walls, have you tried to help yourself The rings around your eyes they don't hide, that you need to get some rest It's all right to make mistakes you're only human Inside everybody's hiding something Take time to catch your breath and choose your moment Don't slide Even at a time like this when the morning seems so far Think that pain belongs to you but it's happened to us all It's all right to make mistakes you're only human Inside everybody's hiding something Take time to catch your breath and choose your moment Don't slide You bought this on yourself and it's high time you left it there Lie here and rest your head and dream of something else instead Don't slide.-Dido

Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, of what I did, of who I am, but most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my life the way I feel when I'm with you-Dirty Dancing

Falling in love is a fantastic dream; I always fall in love only to wake up again- unknown

If it's real love, if it's true love, then it'll always be there. You can pretend it's gone, and even move on. But that love, it's still there. In the depths of your mind, sometimes a single object or song triggers it all, and you're right back where you started-unknown

*you make me laugh you make me smile and sometimes I cry but you never wrecked my mind with a simple smile sometimes I believe in God for a while*- evan and jaron

*Somewhere between the procrastination and the homework and the incessant forwards and the friendships and the calls to each other complaining about crushes Somewhere between the phone calls to old friends And the "I miss you's" the "I love you's" And the "What are we doing tonight's?" And somewhere between all of the changing, and growing Somewhere between the classes And the skipping classes And the studying for tests And the pretending to study for tests And the downright not studying for tests I forgot I forgot what high school is all about I forgot what it meant to cry I forgot that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy And that pretending to be smart doesn't make you smart I forgot that you can't just forget the past in fear of the future I forgot that you can't control falling in love And that you can't make yourself fall in love I learned that I can love I learned that it's okay to mess up And it's okay to ask for help And it's okay to feel like shit I learned it's okay to complain and whine to all your friends for a whole day I learned that sometimes the things you want most you just can't have I learned that the greatest thing about high school isn't the parties or the drinking or the hook-ups It's the friendships, which means taking chances I learned that sometimes the things we want to forget are the things which we most need to talk about I learned that letters from friends are the most important thing And that sending cards to your friends makes you feel better But, basically, I just learned that my friends Both old and new Are the most important people to me in the world And without them, I wouldn't be who I am today*- unknown

Once in awhile, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale- unknown

Why am i still hanging around,When I know it brings me down,I'm hating everything?- blink 182

is it all that great without me I really want to know was it easy to forget me cause your eyes are saying so did you find a broken rainbow with an empty pot of gold well if it's all that great without me then I'm glad you let me go I don't mean to sound so vengeful or to hit you when you're down but you took my house of dreams and burnt it to the ground and now you say you're really sorry well that's really nice to hear but where were you when everything we had got up and disappeared and now it's time to let go walk through that doorway and let it close-Evan and Jaron

Loving someone who doesn't love you is like reaching for a star, you know you'll never reach it but you gotta keep trying- unknown

*Love isn't love until you've cried*- unknown

True love always finds it's way back it just takes the longest- unknown

What makes me stay, when my world falls apart, what makes me try one more time, when it's not in my heart? At the end of my rope, when I can't find any hope, I still think of him and say, I just can't walk away. Tell me, what makes me stay?- unknown

Another turning point A fork stuck in the road Time grabs you by the wrist Directs you were to go So make the best of this task and don't ask why It's not a question but a leson learned in time It's something unpredicteble but in the end is right I hope you had the time of your life So take the photographs and still frames in your mind Hang them on a shelf of good health and good time Tattos of memories and dead skin on trail For what it's worth, it was worth all the while It's somethong unpredicteble, but in the end is right I hope you have the time of u'r life