Marcia

There are so many memories of Moma i don't know quite where to begin. I never thought i would be putting my feelings and memories of Moma on a website. I thought that i would have Moma for a Very long time. I thought i would be able to see her when i wanted and pick up the phone and talk to her anytime. Instead HER LIFE was cut short at the age of 63. I will never be the same again, she not only was my Moma but she was the best friend i have ever had in my entire life. I could trust her with my life and she would never lie to you about any thing. She never judged any one for any thing. She always found the Good in every one. I remember how she was a Moma to every one of my friends when i was growing up. They all thought the world and all of her. And they all called her Moma. She would move Heaven and Earth for her daughters and would do anything for any one. Her home was in Aurora Texas that is where my memories will be always and that will always be home. Moma was mowing the grass at one time when we were kids and i remember there was a piece of bailing wire that went through her leg and wrapped around a bone. I drove Moma to the hospital in a Travel All that we had at the time. Moma was more worried about me than she was about her self. I did my best at getting her there and she was so proud of me. And she was right back at taking care of us all instead of taking care of herself. Late one night she crawled into my bedroom and was crying and told me that she was hurting so bad and she had taken a bath and tried every thing she could to stop hurting. She barely made it to the hospital in time. Her appendix had ruptured she almost died but she fought to get strong and once again she was up taking care of us all. She would always put her self last but she was always a fighter and she never gave up on anything. It seems so strange writing about Moma in the past tense.And now instead of being able to look into that sweet face with that beautiful smile and see all the love she had in her eyes and be able to tell Moma how i feel about her. I am having to put down how i felt about her. But every day i talked to Moma and every day i told her how much she meant to me. And i always asked her Do you really now how much you mean to me Moma? And do you know how much I LOVE YOU and she always told me she did. And there is no doubt in my mind that she knew and she still does. I never missed a day of talking to her. And now that has been taken away from me and it is so hard to understand. I do have the most wonderful and beautiful and special memories of Moma and i will cherish them always. I remember when Misty my first child was born Moma was right there. She never left i went into labor on a Friday night at 7:30 p.m. and i had her Sunday Night at 7:48 p.m. Moma never left. She helped me through it all and she made sure she was there to help me when i came home where i would not have to do any thing. She made all of my maternity clothes and i still have them. When our twins were born we were staying with Moma and she kept our daughter for us while we went to the hospital i was just 7 months pregnant so when we left Moma said i will see you in a little while. She and i thought i would be right back. But instead my husband Darren called her and told her you have a grandson and another one on the way. She was so suprised she could not believe it. She came from Aurora to the hospital with Misty and she helped me once again all the way through. And when the Drs. told me that i would probably loose one of the boys and the other one had a ten percent chance Moma told me they would both survive and to pray to God and he would pull them through. I did just what Moma told me and our son's both pulled through and they are wonderful 22 yr.old young men healthy married and their wives have babies on the way. And when our youngest daughter was born 20 yrs. ago Moma was in Cheyenne visiting my sister Patti and her husband Ardith but Moma talked to me on the phone and the next day she was right there, and she helped me when i came home once again where i would not have to do anything. And Patti came down the next day and her and Moma came back together. She was always there to be with me. Moma and Patti used to carry cases of similac up three flights of stairs to make sure i had plenty of formula with our twins and i would not have to be out anything and those stairs were something else. And Moma and Patti never complained. And when our daughter Misty made Moma a Great Grand Mother for the first time Moma was on Cloud nine she was so happy. She could not believe she was a Great Grand Mother. Moma loved her family more than anything and she done everything she could to hold our family together. I remember how she told me i was only two hours old when she came home from the hospital with me and was out chasing a calf on the circle T. ranch. I know know with all of the sacrificing she did for her family it is what help to weaken her life. She never put her self first. She was always so proud of all of her daughters. Not just one but all, she never found weakness in any of us. She taught us to be fighters and to never give up. She taught us to persue our dreams to grab at that brass ring. She was so proud of Patti when she became an RN. Patti went into the field due to Moma's illness hoping and praying that she could find Moma that cure we were all looking for. And Moma trusted Patti with her illness and somehow believed that Patti would be there when the cure was found. Unfourtunately that wasn't meant to happen with Moma. Her Dr's she had for many years told us me when they called me from the city told me we still had a good deal of time left with Moma. I was hoping to hang on to every day i could be with her. I was in total shock when i found out Moma had left us. Her last days will always hurt me and Patti. And it is a pain that we will Never get over. It is still not possible to me that Moma is gone. I always thought that Moma would live forever and i would always have her in my life. The only thing that gets me through every day is by the Grace of God. And every second of every day i have my Moma in my heart. I feel her with me always and i know that she will never leave any of us. She is our Angel. I don't want to remember the last days of Moma's life. As with my Loving sister Patti it is to Painful. I want to remember all the DAY'S OF MOMA'S LIFE. And remember when she had no pain when she smiled and laughed with us. When she went to to chicken house to gather the eggs so we would have the most fresh eggs around. When we all got together and planted a garden together and she took such pride in her garden. Especially her tomatoes and okra. I will remember the taste of her chicken and dressing on Thanksgiving and how she would make it again for Patti for Christmas so she would have it. I will remember her fried chicken and her famous Bannana Nut Cake. I will never taste cooking like Moma's again in my life. But i will always and forever have my Memories of the most beautiful and special Moma that anyone could ever have. And no one can take memories away. And Moma and i had a very very special relationship. I never got upset with my Moma, I never said a cross word to her. I never was mean to her and she talked to me about that often. I hurt every day for Moma and i always will.The loss of Moma has changed the course of my life forever.I have a book my daughter in law bought for me by James Van Praagh it is called Healing Grief. It has helped me a lot. I have been told that there are 5 stages of grief and the last one is acceptance. I don't believe i will ever get to the 5th one with Moma.In the book it states that every time a loved one dies, we lose a little hope of a better future. A human being has been torn from our lives. A relationship is cut off in one swift blow. We feel frustrated, angry, sad, and confused. We feel regret for things undone and words unsaid. We wonder why the innocent or good die young, and the good for nothings live too long. Grieving for our loved one is not an intellectual process. We have to learn to understand our own feelings and come to peace with the situation. Another factor to keep in mind is that grief is not an illness from which we recover. It is not merely one things, but a process of fellings and physical conditions, and one cannot judge how much grief is enough grief. You should never feel pressured as to how you are supposed to grieve, for there is no right or wrong way.It is important to remember that there are healthy and constructive ways to go through the grieving process, as well as destructive and unhealthy ones, which can lead to more suffering. I believe that James Van Praagh put that very well. And from my loss of Moma some people have chose to be destructive with the grief of Moma. We have not had the time to grieve for Moma and have not been allowed to have the time to do so. But hopefully we will be allowed the time necessary to recognize the hurt. I have a column, by Robert I. Kahn it is called Lessons for Life. How long will the pain last a mourner asked?"All the rest of your life," He had to answer truthfully. We never quite forget, No matter How many years pass, we remember. The loss of a loved one is like a major operation, part of us is removed, and we have the scar for the rest of our lives. This does not mean that the pain continues at the same intensity. There is a short while, at first, when we hardly believe it; it is rather like when we have cut our hand, we see the blood flowing, but the pain has not set in yet. So when we are bereaved, there is a short while before the pain hits us. But when it does, it is Massive in its effect. Grief is shattering. Then the wound begins to heal. It is like the going through dark tunnel. Occasionally we glimpse a bit of light up ahead, then lose sight of it a while, then see it again, and one day we emerge into the light. We are able to laugh, to care, to live. The wound is healed, so to speak, the stitches are taken out and we are whole again. But not quite. The scar is still there and the scar tissue, too. As the years bo by, we manage. There are things to do, people to care foe, tasks that call for full attention. But the pain is still there, not far below the surface. We see a face that looks familiar, hear a voice that has echoes, see a photograph in someone's album, see a Landscape that once we saw together, and it is as though the knife were in the wound again. But not so painfully. And mixed with joy too. Because Remembering a happy time is not only sorrow; it brings back happiness with it. As a matter of fact, we even seek such moments of bittersweet remembrance. We have our religious memorial services and memorial days and our visits to the cemetery. And though these bring back the pain, they also bring back memories of joy as well. How Long Will The Pain Last? All the rest of your life. But the THING TO REMEMBER is that not only the pain will last, but the blessed Memories as well. Tears are the price of love. The more love, the more tears. If this be true, then how could we ever ask that the pain cease altogether. For then the memory of Love would go with it. The pain of grief is the price we pay for LOVE. I will remember this always and when i read it to my Sister Patti and my sister Susy they cried with me and they wanted a copy, because this speaks the truth and nothing but. The pain will last all the rest of our lives. And the pain of grief is the price we pay for LOVE. MOMA i will remember you always and i will Love you always. I will cherish every moment i spent with you and i know that one day i will see you again. I never told you Bye i always told you i would see you later. And i will.You were the most precious wonderful beautiful Moma i could have, One thing i will always know is that No One Will Ever Take Your Place. I know i will have you with me always and i will always hold you close to my heart. You will be in my heart for ever. I LOVE YOU MOMA. I MISS YOU. LOVE MARCIA

UNDER CONSTRUCTION