My Thoughts!Ą!

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Very funny, Scotty -- now beam down my clothes.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I souport publik edekashun.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A woman without a man is like a neck without pain.

If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

So many stupid people... so few comets.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

All generalizations are false.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. -- Dorothy

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age: Fewer men act it.

DIFFERENT WAYS TO PHONE IN A PIZZA ORDER:

1.Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

2.Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

3.Ask what the order taker is wearing.

4.Change your accent every three seconds.

5.Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

6.Imitate the order taker's voice.

7.Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

8.Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

9.Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

10.Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

11.When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

"Don't ask me questions before eight in the morning, particularly silly ones. I'm grumpy then, and I'll probably make fun of you.

I got a dog and named him "Stay". Now, I go "Come here, Stay!". After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

The great film comedian, Charlie Chaplin, once entered a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like contest for a laugh. To his surprise he did not win.

To be is to do (I. Kant) To do is to be (A. Sartre) Do-be-do-be-do (F. Sinatra) Yabba-Dabba-Doo! (F. Flinstone)

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.

I won't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

In a Russian tragedy, everybody dies. In a Russian comedy, everybody dies too. But they die happy.

The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.

1.Alexander the Great was a great general. 2.Great generals are forewarned. 3.Forewarned is forearmed. 4.Four is an even number. 5.Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 6.The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.

Of course you found it in the last place you looked. If you hadn't found it you'd still be looking

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.;-)

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

It is not possible to ski thru a revolving door.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? - Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. - Advising the President. - Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

A Woman's Random Thoughts

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

Skinny people p*ss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

Getting Older

I started out with nothing, I still have most of it.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Married men should forget their mistakes. No sense in two people remembering the same thing.

LOL!!!