Chapter 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15
Alec Su: Su You Pen
Vicki Zhao: Zhao Wei Wei
Ruby Lin: Lin Xin Ru
(may add in more)
When You Pen, 27, and Wei Wei, 26, meet each other again, both are stunned and shocked. They cannot help but think of what happened 7 years ago…but now it is utterly impossible for them to be together. Why?
If you want to know what happened 7 years ago, why can’t they be together, and whether they will be together in the end, please read the story.
NOTE:
“” = speech
*” = italics
* = talking silently
this story is set in the 1930s. well, i'll just post up one chapter for tonight!!
* * *
She looked round the room, reliving the moments she’d spent in it. Her eyes narrowed when she thought of that night…when he had come into the room…and involuntarily she shivered. That night…”You’re thinking of it too?” with a stifled gasp she spun round and faced him. Her expression grew cold. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Her voice was hard and her eyes expressionless as she gazed at him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she repeated. “Kindly leave this room.” He didn’t budge. “Leave.” Now it was as low and hollow as an echo. “Leave.”
His eyes bored into hers as he took a step forward. “You are thinking of that night,” he said. “Seven years ago…when I came in here…” He looked at her, his eyes full of sadness. “Why can’t you admit it?”
Her eyes glinted and she raised her hand, ready to strike him, her anger so strong and fierce that she couldn’t think straight. He stood there, daring her to hit him…slowly, she lowered her hand. “You…” she willed her voice to be steady…willed it not to quiver and betray to him her innermost thoughts… “I have nothing to admit.” She turned away from him and looked at the picture hanging on the wall. Yes, she had seen it often in the past – that period of time came back to her more vividly than it ever had before. “You do,” he said quietly. “You have everything to admit.”
Fury rose up in her once more and she swung round. “I have everything to admit?” she snarled. “Remember, Su You Pen, that you were the one who destroyed everything!”
“I did not!” he denied. She breathed in deeply to calm her rage, but it was unsuccessful. “You destroyed me,” she accused. “You made a wreck of everything. Don’t you dare to come in here and deny it.” She pointed towards the door and looked at him, her eyes as hard and cold as steel. “Leave me. You have no right to come inside here.”
He refused to move. “Say it, Wei Wei.”
“Leave!” she cried loudly.
“Say it!”
Her finger dropped and once more she turned away from him, not wanting him to see the hot tears which were swimming in her eyes and threatening to fall. No, she thought, I’d never say it…never…our situation today came about through no fault of mine, and I’m not going to say it, ever. “I…” her voice quivered, and quickly she steadied it. “I made use of you.”
Absolute silence. She stood still, not daring to turn and look at his face. Then slowly, very softly, he said, “Do you mean it?” She did not answer him. “Look at me,” he said. “And say those words looking at me.” Her heart wrenched when she heard the deep sadness in his voice, but she couldn’t break down now. Defiantly, she faced him and, looking straight into his eyes, said very clearly, “I made use of you.”
* * *
Eight weeks earlier
Her eyes dancing, she whipped out her drawing block and began to do a rough sketch of the handsome young man sleeping before her. “Mei Lan!” she scolded when her younger sister crept up to him and put a leaf in his open mouth. “Can’t you see I’m trying to draw You Pen Kor Kor?”
“Jie, don’t worry so much, you can draw him with the leaf sticking out of his mouth,” Mei Lan replied very comfortably, not in the least ruffled. Li Ping shook her head with an exaggerated sigh before returning to her work. You Pen looked so incredibly cute with that leaf in his mouth. Her mind went back to the time when he was still wooing her, and unconsciously a smile formed on her lips…
“Arrghh!” with a start, she woke from her dream and saw You Pen sitting up with the leaf in his hand. “Who put this thing in my mouth?” he demanded. Li Ping giggled and glanced quickly at Mei Lan, who was busily examining a flower. A suspicious look came into You Pen’s eyes and he turned on Mei Lan. “Well, well, little sister, I should’ve known it would be you…”
His sister-in-law grinned guiltily up at him. “Oh, Kor, don’t be angry, I was just playing around with you.” You Pen shook his head sternly at her, then decided to let her off the hook. Plopping himself down beside his wife, he asked, “What were you two doing just now?”
Li Ping smiled and thrust at him the picture she’d drawn of him. He cocked his head and surveyed it. “You know, I look very handsome like that…” before Li Ping could retort back, a young girl ran up to them, a frightened look on her face. “Oh, help me!” she gasped, falling to her knees and kowtowing to them. Startled, You Pen leaned forward and tried to make her stop. “Our mistress is going to die, please save her before she dies…” the young girl seemed very distraught, and continued to kowtow.
“Your mistress?” Li Ping repeated. She looked at You Pen with a puzzled frown on her face. “Do you know this young girl?” Equally as puzzled, You Pen shook his head. He had never seen this girl before. Desperate, she reached out and grasped hold of Li Ping’s hands. “Please, I beg you! My mistress is very sick with high fever; her parents died last year and she has no one but me…I do not know what to do with her…” her eyes were full of terror. You Pen looked at her doubtfully. Was this a trap? He turned to Li Ping, who looked equally as doubtful. With a sigh, You Pen decided that he had to go and see if this was true and the girl really needed help. “All right, get up. I’ll go with you.” Li Ping scrambled up. “You Pen! I’m coming too!” he nodded briefly, and the two of them set off with the girl, clean forgetting about Mei Lan.
“Hurry!” the girl urged them as she speeded across the fields. Li Ping, unused to physical exertion, found it extremely difficult to keep up with her, and gasped painfully as she stumbled after the girl. You Pen looked back and saw her struggling. “Hold it for a moment,” he called and ran back to Li Ping. “Come, I’ll carry you.” Without further ado, he lifted her up in his arms and ran after the girl. Finally they came to a deserted-looking house and with trembling fingers the girl unfastened the gate. “Oh, please hurry!” she implored them. “This way!” she led them up the path and into the house. For a moment You Pen could scarcely see a thing, for inside the house it was dark and musty. Then he felt the girl pulling at his arm gently, and he followed her up the stairs onto the second floor. “Here, in this room!” she pushed him and Li Ping into a small, dark room. Seeing next to nothing, he lowered Li Ping to the floor while the girl started a fire in the fireplace. The fire flickered and threw light across the room. He looked down to see a young woman lying on a mattress and was so stunned that for a moment he couldn’t think straight.
He was looking at the face whom he had thought about often for the past seven years…the same face of the girl whom he had not seen for seven years…could this be her? Could it be her? He stepped closer to her and knelt down, scarcely knowing what he did.
Her eyes flickered open and her white lips parted. “Xin Ru.”
“Yes, miss! I’m here,” the girl sobbed, kneeling down beside her and putting her arms round her. “I’ve brought help.”
“Oh, you poor thing!” Li Ping said, her voice full of sympathy. “You Pen, lay your hand on her forehead and feel how hot it is.”
The young woman gasped and started as if something had struck her. She slowly turned her gaze on You Pen, who was unable to take his eyes off her. Yes, it was her. It was her. “Wei Wei,” he said under his breath, mesmerized by those eyes that had first caught his attention. “Su…You…Pen…” her voice was barely above a whisper, but he heard.
*Flashback*
“Stop!”
Once the order was given the two maids stopped beating her up and stood back.
The mistress of the house, Madame Su, looked sternly at the slave girl who was crouching on the floor, unable to move. “If you dare to steal out of this place again,” she said, her voice so cold that You Pen and his sister, Bing Bing, shivered… “If you dare to be so imprudent again, I will not spare your life! You are a slave, and you are not allowed any freedom! Do you understand me?” Her eyes cut into the slave girl, who trembled and nodded. “Answer me!” her sudden shout sliced through the silent atmosphere, and everyone started. “Yes, Lady. Wei Wei understands,” the slave girl replied slowly and quietly. “Good,” Madame Su said and turned to walk away.
The moment she had disappeared from sight with the other maids and Bing Bing, You Pen ran to Wei Wei and knelt down beside her. “Wei Wei…” his eyes were full of indescribable pain as he watched her close her eyes and try her best not to cry. “Come.” He put his arms round her. “Let me carry you to your room.” She shrank from his touch. “What’s the matter?” he asked impatiently – can’t she see how worried and anxious I am? “No, Shao Ye, if you carry me, Lady will see…” He breathed in deeply. “I don’t care!” He lifted her up and looked at her white face. She returned his look with such love in her eyes that he couldn’t help but hold her closer as he walked to her room…
*End of Flashback*
You Pen looked at Wei Wei as he had done so many years ago and knew that she was thinking of the same event. There was terrible hurt in her eyes as he carried her down the stairs, and he wondered what had happened to her since he had last seen her…why was she so desperately poor, and had she fallen in love with another person? No, he thought, I shouldn’t be thinking of things like that…for goodness’ sake, I’m a married man! What happened in the past is over. I shouldn’t be thinking about it anymore – she holds no place in my heart anymore. I love Li Ping…yet, as he looked at her pale face, he couldn’t stop himself from remembering all the times they had had together so long ago…”You Pen, do hurry!” he looked up with a start to see Li Ping standing by the car waiting impatiently for him. He nodded and speeded up his walk.
On the way to the hospital, Wei Wei fell into a disturbed sleep. Li Ping, watching her with sympathetic eyes, asked Xin Ru, “What is the name of your young mistress, Xin Ru?”
“Zhao Wei Wei.”
“Zhao? Does she come from a well-known family?”
“No, madame. She comes from a common family.” Xin Ru looked beseechingly at Li Ping. “But, madame, please don’t hold it against my mistress. She’s a wonderful person. I’m only a maid, yet she treats me like a younger sister, and when her parents died she has led a very difficult life. She used to work as a slave, but was fired by her boss because she kept stealing out of the mansion and because her boss became too exasperated with her. But it isn’t her fault!” Tears came into Xin Ru’s eyes. Li Ping laid her cool, slim hand on Xin Ru’s shoulder and smiled gently at her. “Why should I hold it against your mistress?” she asked softly. “She has had a difficult life…” She turned to You Pen. “You Pen, what do you think? Shall we befriend this poor soul?”
“It is your decision, Li Ping,” You Pen replied, keeping his eyes well away from Wei Wei. He was unruffled and indifferent outwardly, but inside a war of feelings was raging on. He had never been in such a turmoil before.
* * *
“With constant care, she should be well in a week’s time,” the doctor told them. Li Ping’s face lit up. “Is that true?” she asked eagerly. The doctor nodded to confirm it. “Very true, madame.” Li Ping smiled and thanked him profusely while You Pen stood motionless, not trusting himself to say a word. Xin Ru had begun sobbing with joy.
Wei Wei was lying on the bed with her eyes closed when You Pen entered the room. Li Ping had taken Xin Ru back to their home, and he had given the excuse of wanting to visit his old friend in order to stay at the hospital. Now, he opened the door softly and stepped inside the room, his eyes intent on the still figure on the bed. She hadn’t lost her beauty during the past seven years…instead, her beauty had matured and ripened, and now she looked like a flower being beaten upon the earth. Wei Wei was one of those whose beauty would never fade, but delight everyone around her as she grew older. Timeless beauty. Timeless love. You Pen stood stock still in shock. Timeless love? What was he thinking of? He didn’t love Wei Wei. His love for her had vanished when he’d met pretty, laughing, kind-hearted Li Ping. The only love in his life was Li Ping – and she was his wife. Love had nothing to do with Wei Wei…not anymore.
“I knew you would come.” The whisper was just audible, and he looked at her with a little start. “Shao Ye…we meet again.” He moved closer to the bed and stood gazing down at her. She returned his gaze quietly, saying no more. “How have you been?” he asked, all his nerves highly-strung and edgy. She smiled a little and looked away. “Have you been thinking of me?” There it was – her old trick of answering a question with another. He relaxed visibly. She hadn’t changed…she was the same. “A little,” he answered, and one second after he kicked himself mentally for being so tactless. A little? What kind of an answer was that? “No,” he said hastily, “I mean…”
“It’s not necessary,” she said hurriedly. “I know…I…haven’t been thinking…much…either. There have been so many things.”
He looked directly at her. “You’re lying.” His voice was calm. She frowned slightly. “What then?” she retorted. “Would telling the truth make anything better?” she jerked her head towards the door. “That woman – she is your lover, isn’t she?” He shuddered inwardly, not wanting to tell the truth…”Isn’t she?” demanded she; she raised her head to look angrily at him…”She’s my wife.”
You Pen sat in the car, thinking back to the brief time he’d spent with Wei Wei in the hospital room. After he’d told her that Li Ping was actually his wife, she hadn’t said a word more. He had left the room with an aching heart. Wait a minute, I shouldn’t be thinking of her, he told himself angrily. It’s wronging Li Ping to continue to think of Zhao Wei Wei in this manner. She’s no longer part of my life.
*Flashback*
“Promise you’ll love me forever?”
He looked down into her big, beautiful eyes. “But you’re going away soon.” His voice was rough. “You’ll be leaving me soon…what am I supposed to do without you?” Tears shimmered in her eyes at his words, and she snuggled closer to him. “You won’t be without me, not ever.” He could only hold her close and breathe in the scent of her hair…she who was going to leave him soon…tears stood in his eyes when he thought that this was probably the last time he would ever be able to see her. “Promise?” her voice broke his train of thought, and he grasped her arm. “I promise,” he said firmly. “I’ll love you forever, and never let another woman into my life.”
*End of Flashback*
He’d broken his word to her. Heaven, he’d broken his word to her. He sighed and rubbed his hair. But how was I to keep my promise? He argued. That promise was a stupid one. Do you mean that I have to remain a bachelor? No, no, it wasn’t a promise. It was something said during a desperate time – but it wasn’t a promise. No one would have expected me to keep it.
*”Promise you’ll love me forever?”*
*”I promise. I’ll love you forever, and never let
another
woman into my life.”*
It wasn’t a promise.
* * *
“Oh my goodness, I can’t believe you and Kor are so damn stupid!” Mei Lan growled. Li Ping’s head snapped up. “Watch your tongue, Mei Lan!” she said warningly. Mei Lan lifted her chin and glared at her sister. “You helped a stranger like that? You don’t even bloody KNOW who she is!” Li Ping got up and went over to Mei Lan. Bending down, she said in a low voice, “Don’t you ever dare to talk to me like that, do you understand?” she straightened her back and looked out of the window. “I trust Xin Ru. If you’d seen the state that Miss Zhao was in, you’d have helped her too.”
Mei Lan snorted slightly and shrugged. Li Ping decided not to reason with her any longer. Her sister could be as stubborn as a mule if she wanted to. Just then the door opened and You Pen came in, his steps heavy, his head lowered, the keys dangling loosely in his hand. She ran to him and, with wifely concern, took off his coat and asked, “Are you sick? You look so pale!” she took the keys and tossed them onto a table nearby. “Sit down.”
You Pen obeyed her without a word. Li Ping surveyed him anxiously. “Oh, You Pen, you do look so ill. Is there anything wrong with you?” Mutely, You Pen shook his head. Li Ping, leave me alone! He wanted to shout. Leave me alone, I don’t want to see you. I’ve so much on my mind now…I don’t want you fussing over me. Oh heaven, Wei Wei. You’re making me feel so confused. I don’t know what to do. “You Pen…” He held up his hand, cutting her off. “I’m tired, Li Ping. I just need some sleep.” He got up and looked thoughtfully at her for a few moments. Should he tell her what had happened between him and Wei Wei seven years ago? No, he decided. I cannot tell Li Ping such a thing. She’ll never be able to take it. “I’m alright, Li Ping,” he said more gently. “When I went to visit my friend, we played chess and…” he faltered. He had never been a good liar. “You Pen,” Li Ping murmured, reaching out for him. “I’ll let you go and rest. Poor thing, you must be so tired.” At last she let go of him, and he walked slowly up the stairs to the room which he shared with Li Ping. Staring at the bed, his mind went back to the past…
* * *
“The hospital bill.” Wei Wei looked at Xin Ru, alarm in her eyes. Xin Ru leapt forward and took hold of her hands. “Don’t worry, miss,” she consoled. “I’m sure Mr and Mrs Su will take care of it.”
“Mr Su?” Wei Wei murmured faintly. She sighed and her head drooped. “He is being too good to me,” she said softly. “Far too good…” She lifted her head, a determined look in her eyes. “I have decided something, Xin Ru,” she said. “I will pay back everything I owe them.” Xin Ru stared at Wei Wei in horror. Her young mistress was going to repay Mr and Mrs Su? She thought of the months without Mr and Mrs Zhao; hadn’t they suffered enough? Hadn’t Miss Zhao suffered enough? She couldn’t try to repay Mr and Mrs Su…she couldn’t! It would only be bringing more trouble onto themselves.
Wei Wei turned her head away, refusing to listen to Xin Ru’s protestations. Instead, she thought of him…as she had done so very often for the past seven years. No, she thought sadly, I mustn’t think of him lest he should imagine that I’m in love with him…after all, she mused, aren’t I? I’ve always been in love with him…I cannot stop thinking of that night and the promise he made to me…well, he has broken it, hasn’t he? He has let another woman come into his life…damn it all, I probably don’t mean a thing to him now. I am such an accused fool. I must push him out of my life, and – if he asks if I can remember what happened seven years ago, I must lie to him and preserve my pride…because, to him, I am nothing…remember this, Wei Wei, you are NOTHING to Su You Pen anymore. And he is NOTHING to you too. Always remember that. *”I love you. Nothing can ever separate you from me. Not even death.”* *”Maybe we can die together.”* *”Live together forever.”* She heard echoes of their laughter, *”You sound so lovely when you laugh.”* His eyes looked into hers, his lips curving into a gentle smile. *”You’re the most beautiful girl in the world…”* You Pen! She wanted to scream, shout, make a big fuss, bring everyone running into the room…You Pen! How could you have married another woman, after uttering all those sentences to me? *”Promise you’ll love me forever?”* *”I promise.”* Oh, how well she remembered that night…and the words which had fallen from his lips…You Pen, I love you so much…
* * *
“Miss Mei Lan, Mr and Mrs Su are here,” said the maid respectfully. Mei Lan leapt up. “Really? I’m going now,” she said, running out of the room.
Li Ping tightened her hold on Wei Wei’s arms. “Come, you must make it to the sofa,” she said gently. Wei Wei answered her with a tired, grateful smile. “Thank you, Li Ping. Thank you for everything. I did not know that there were such generous, kind-hearted people in the world.” Li Ping widened her eyes and laughed. “What world have you been living in?” she exclaimed. “There are many more like me…for instance, my sister,” she said as Mei Lan rushed up to them. “Is this Zhao Wei Wei?” she asked, eyeing Wei Wei with approval. “Are you all right?” she asked her kindly.
Wei Wei nodded and smiled. Mei Lan stretched out her arm. “Come, I’ll help you up to your room,” she offered. Li Ping smiled in satisfaction as she watched Mei Lan help Wei Wei up the stairs, while You Pen leaned on the wall and stared at Wei Wei’s slim figure, remembering how it had felt in his arms so long ago.
He stood in the corridor and watched as she carefully watered each plant. There had been a terrible scene between she and his sister today…the latter had accused her of stealing, and she had bristled up in self-defence; when he had tried to step in, Bing Bing had turned on him and told him to get out of the room. Later on he had gone into her room and seen her crying. He had embraced her. Told her not to cry, that Bing Bing didn’t mean what she said.
“Oh, what’s the use?” she cried softly. His heard wrenched at her words. What’s the use? What’s the use of trying to continue a relationship that will only die down in the end? I know the use, he thought, I love this girl. I will never leave her. Nothing can ever separate us. Because we love each other. Why, Wei Wei, why? Why did heaven play such a cruel joke with us? That I had to fall so deeply in love with you…that you should be so unavailable, so far from me…
*End of flashback*
* * *
*You were sold to my family when you were a child* he told her silently, watching her sleeping face. *We became good friends. Don’t you remember our larks in the garden when my mother wasn’t around? You’d hold my hands and we’d dance round together and sing and laugh…can’t you hear our childish laughter? Can’t you feel the touch of my hands in yours? Because I can feel yours in mine so very vividly; I remember that every time my mother slapped you or beat you up I hurt so much that I could burst. And when we grew older it was even more impossible for us to be near each other although we were living under the same roof.* He gazed at her still face, still so beautiful and pure…*I have often thought of you* he continued to tell her, yet without making a single sound. *I lied in the hospital. I know that any future relationship between the two of us is impossible, so I lied.* His eyes were full of agony. *Wei Wei, I was thinking of that night when I made that promise to you…* he swallowed hard. *Wei Wei, I meant it then. You have to believe me. I meant it when I made that promise. Yet later on I found it so stupid. You believe me, don’t you? I meant it, Wei Wei…* he leaned forward, clenching his fists. *I meant it, please forgive me for breaking it…*
I heard, she thought in her sleep, I can hear everything you’re telling me. I expected you to keep your promise. But you didn’t. I don’t blame you. It was stupid and dumb of me to expect you to keep to such a silly promise. Weak! Your love for me was utterly weak. Mei Lan told me that you have been married for three years, and that you courted her for one year. Su You Pen, You forgot me so soon. Weak, despicable…I should have known better than to trust in you.
*Forgive me* he said humbly.
What is there to forgive? She returned; there is nothing to forgive. You did what any normal man would do – put the past behind them and find another woman to love. I shan’t interfere in your marriage with Li Ping. She is, after all, your wife. I have no right to step in between the two of you. What’s done is done. There’s no turning back.
*At least I loved you* he brought up.
You call it love?
*Both of us loved each other* he protested angrily.
I didn’t love you.
He was stunned. *Wei Wei, you loved me…you loved me, didn’t you?* he pleaded. *Tell me that you loved me*
I didn’t love you. I merely made use of you. I knew that as long as you were protecting me, Madame Su wouldn’t kill me. As long as you were there, I would not be so badly bullied. And I was right. I made use of you. I lied and deceived you, and made you fall in love with me. But I always knew that your love for me was frail; that if I left you for a moment you would forget about me.
*I didn’t forget you. I…*
Say no more. I don’t want to hear it any longer. I’m sick of you; the sight of you makes me feel nauseous. Leave me alone. Don’t talk to me anymore.
And so he left the room, but not before pausing to look back at her. *I loved you*
* * *
“How long do you intend on keeping Miss Zhao here?” You Pen asked Li Ping grumpily. “Don’t you think she’s stayed here long enough? It’s been weeks already.” Li Ping stared in him, surprised and piqued. “Why, You Pen, aren’t you always very ready to help people all the time? Why then are you suddenly asking me these questions?” You Pen refused to answer. Instead, he stood up and said briefly, “I need to go to work now.” Without saying another word, he walked out of the room. Oh Li Ping, if only I can tell you why I don’t want Wei Wei to stay here anymore! Seeing her everyday is almost more than I can bear. I know that if she stays here any longer, I’ll have to have a talk with her, and I’m not looking forward to it. But I can’t tell you…you won’t be able to take it…
Before he headed for the garage after leaving the house, he cast up his eyes to a certain white-curtained window and distinguished someone sitting behind the semi-transparent curtain. He continued looking up there for a moment, then recollected himself and continued to walk to the garage.
Wei Wei sat behind the window, looking pensively down to the ground where he had stood. A tear dropped down onto the window sill, but she didn’t wipe her eyes although they were blurred with tears. “I love you,” she said under her breath, and another tear joined the one lying on the window sill.
“Of course not,” cried Mei Lan. “It’s been a pleasure having you here. Jie, stop staring at her like that and let her sit down.”
“True, true,” Li Ping said amiably, and helped Wei Wei to an armchair. Xin Ru sat on the arm and watched her mistress with loving eyes. “Must you go?” Li Ping asked wistfully. “Mei Lan and I have grown so fond of you…”
“I must,” Wei Wei said firmly.
“Why?” Mei Lan wailed.
Wei Wei paused. I can’t tell you, she thought in anguish. “I have my reasons for leaving,” she said, “but we won’t talk about them now. Thank you for keeping me and paying my hospital bills. I will repay you everything I owe you.”
“Indeed, you owe us nothing,” cried the warm-hearted Li Ping. “You Pen and I love helping people, and you have been wonderful company to Mei Lan and I. We couldn’t bear to let you go.” Mei Lan nodded eagerly, and looked at Wei Wei hopefully. “You can be my other Jie Jie,” she offered. Wei Wei smiled gratefully and shook her head. “I can’t stay. Really, I can’t. I’ll have to go back to my work…I’ve not been working for ever so long.” She leaned back in her chair and her eyes swept round the room.
“What do you work as?” Mei Lan asked inquisitively.
“Oh, I help a woman sell flowers,” Wei Wei said, and adding with a smile, “If you want to give us business, you’re welcome to buy as many as you want.” After all of them had smiled, she continued, “My parents were so poor that they had no choice but to sell me as a slave into a rich house when I was only three years old. But I was negligent, careless and stupid, so my mistress got very angry with me.” She sighed, her eyes far away. “She used to beat me a lot. I was the slave of slaves…” Li Ping and Mei Lan exchanged looks, both full of sympathy for this poor girl. “When I was nineteen, they sent me away with my parents’ address. So for a week I traveled, and when I finally reached home I found that my parents were much better-off than they had been the year they sold me. They couldn’t believe it was me at first, but after reading my mistress’ letter, they accepted me.” Her grasp on Xin Ru’s arm tightened. “Two years later my father lost everything in trying to help a friend, and we were reduced to what we were before. My father died of heartbreak, and my mother followed soon after. I was left with Xin Ru, who didn’t leave us when all the rest of the servants did.” She swallowed hard and tried to hold back her tears.
Mei Lan reached over and took hold of her hand. “I’m so sorry!” she said, her voice full of pity. Wei Wei smiled a little. “That’s my story.” She looked at Li Ping. “May I know how you and Mr Su got together?” she asked.
* * *
As You Pen sat on the passenger seat of his car that evening, looking out of the window, he thought of Li Ping and Wei Wei. When would that girl ever begone? He asked himself angrily. She’s beginning to haunt me…and I don’t want to think about her at all! I just want to forget everything about her. He stared at the people outside on the streets, wondering about them…was any of them in the dilemma as he was in now? Married, and yet thinking about the girl whom he had loved seven years ago…no, no, MUCH longer than that…for, he remembered with a cynical smile, they had been childhood playmates and he’d loved her ever since he was fifteen. The sweet, pretty girl whose vulnerability had made him so protective over her…the girl whom he had loved with all his heart; he shook his head. No, he thought, I love Li Ping…his eyes grew dark. I do love her! He argued with himself. The day she saved me from dying – I gave my heart to her…*“Promise you’ll love me forever?”* he scowled. Why couldn’t he get that damn promise out of his mind?
“Kor, you’re back!” he heard someone scream, and he looked up, startled, to see that he was already at the driveway of his home. Mei Lan dashed up to the car and wrenched open the door. “Kor,” she panted breathlessly, “Wei Wei wants to leave us…you’ll talk her out of it, won’t you? She’s still not fully recovered…”
He felt as if someone had just drowned him in a pail of freezing water. Wei Wei was leaving? After his wishes that she would go quickly, now the reality hit him like a thunderbolt. Was she going to walk out of his life again, as she had done years earlier? He remembered his days of pain and darkness when she’d gone…remembered how much he had missed her and thought of her…yes, he thought sadly, I have never stopped thinking about her – even when I married Li Ping on our wedding day – I thought of her… “Talk her out of it?” he said, shaking his head. “It’s impossible, Mei Lan. I don’t think she’ll listen to me.”
Mei Lan sighed in exasperation. “You could TRY!”
“Why are you so eager to keep her?” You Pen asked. “You barely know her!”
“No, I do know her very well! She’s been in our house for four weeks, Kor! She’s a wonderful person, and she’s almost like a sister to Jie and I. I don’t want to see her go,” Mei Lan said, tears coming into her eyes.
You Pen scarcely heard her answer, for he was thinking of that time when she’d left his home…that accursed day she’d walked out of his life. He said with a strange heaviness that he did not comprehend, “If she wants to go…let her go.”
Mei Lan gave up and walked away from him. Slowly, he
entered the house and saw Li Ping holding Wei Wei’s hands, talking seriously
to her. Tears were rolling down Wei Wei’s cheeks, and he caught his breath
when he saw her. She was so beautiful…so very beautiful; he cursed himself.
How can a woman who is not my wife have such a hold upon me? Wei Wei turned and
saw him. She said something to Li Ping and released her hands. She walked over
to him and said in a low voice, “Mr Su, I have a request to ask of you.”
He gazed at her, unable to speak.
“Please take me to see your mother…” she smiled a little when she saw the amazement in his eyes. “I would like to see her again,” she added, half to herself… “See how she’s doing.” She looked at him. “Would you?” she asked, smiling.
“Yes,” he said, hardly knowing what he said. “I will.”
“Thank you.” She only said so much, but he saw her soul in her eyes, and knew what she was thinking of.
You Pen shot a quick, barely perceptible glance at her. “She’s very sweet,” he agreed. Wei Wei clasped Xin Ru’s hand, and went on, “She told me how she had met you…and how you proposed to her. It was extremely…romantic.”
“Thank you,” You Pen replied, feeling exceedingly uncomfortable. “I proposed to her because…she had been very good to me,” he quickly said. Wei Wei smiled slightly. “Then you do not love her?” she asked, her voice as light and lilting as a fairy’s. You Pen was thrown over by this question. He sat and doubted himself. Did he love Li Ping? At length, he answered, “I don’t know.”
Wei Wei looked at him. “She loves you a lot.”
He turned and looked at her, and for several moments their eyes met and held. Then he broke the eye contact by turning his head and looking out of the window. Wei Wei suddenly let out a laugh which had neither joy nor mirth in it. “You are thinking of – that,” she cried, “and I’m thinking of it. You and I will go through life, thinking about it at intervals, wondering whether it’ll ever fade away from our memories. You’ve been thinking about it, haven’t you?”
“Yes,” he acknowledged. “I have.” He clenched his fists. “What you told me in the room the other day…did you mean it? About making use of me?”
Wei Wei did not reply. Instead, she said, “You know very well the reason why I want to leave all of you.”
“I know.” How I know, he thought bitterly, how well I know.
“Mr Su,” said the driver, looking back, “we have arrived.”
The two of them were quiet for a moment. They had forgotten completely about the driver. Then Xin Ru opened the door and the two girls got out. You Pen followed their example, but before he led the way to the mansion he said to the driver, “Don’t repeat to anyone what Miss Zhao and I said to each other just now, do you understand?”
“Yes,” the driver replied readily. You Pen knew he would not betray him.
Wei Wei stood beholding the mansion. “Yes,” she muttered under her breath, “it hasn’t changed one single bit.” You Pen walked up to her. “Follow me,” he said in an abrupt, sharp voice, and without a word the two girls followed him up the steps. He rang the doorbell, and almost immediately a maid opened it. She curtseyed when she saw You Pen, and went away to announce his arrival to the mistress of the house while the three of them went into the house. Wei Wei stood still, taking in everything…how well she remembered everything. Not taking into consideration the curtains, and other small details, nothing had changed. You Pen saw the expression on her face and smiled a little. “You remember it all?” he asked.
“Oh yes,” she replied. “It’s all so familiar.”
Xin Ru, spellbound, could only stand and stare at the richness of the entire place. She had never seen a house like this before in her entire life. “Miss,” she ventured timidly, “you once worked here, didn’t you?”
Wei Wei nodded, her eyes on the maid who was approaching them. She bent her head respectfully when she saw You Pen and said, “The mistress says you are to go up directly.”
You Pen turned to Wei Wei and Xin Ru. “Come with me,” he instructed, and began to walk across the huge hall. The two girls followed, Wei Wei now trembling a little. Plenty of the older servants gave her strange looks when she passed, but she didn’t spare a glance for any of them. Her eyes intent on the figure in front of her, she seemed oblivious to anything or anyone else. Perhaps she was thinking of him…perhaps she was thinking of something else…who could tell?
“Here we are,” You Pen said suddenly, and the three of them stopped. You Pen knocked on a polished wooden door, and Wei Wei began to shiver. The door was so familiar… “Come in,” a voice called, and You Pen opened the door. He stepped in, said, “Mother, I have brought you visitors” and stepped aside for Wei Wei and Xin Ru to come in.
Mrs Su looked disinterestedly at the slender girl who entered her room, then recognition dawned on her features and she was stunned into silence. Wei Wei curtseyed slightly and said, “Madame.”
“You!” she gasped.
“Yes, madame, it is me. Zhao Wei Wei. I am very glad to see you again,” Wei Wei said very composedly and very sincerely. She was not one who held grudges, so she was truly glad to see Mrs Su once more. Xin Ru, too, curtseyed and said “Madame” but Mrs Su scarcely noticed her. She was too caught up in staring at Wei Wei. That young girl had grown to be so beautiful and bewitching? She couldn’t believe her eyes and continued gazing mutely at Wei Wei.
You Pen, with a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, now came up. In a few brief sentences he sketched out how he’d met her again, then said, “Mother, are you not going to say something to her?”
Mrs Su did not reply him. She began firing questions at Wei Wei, who answered them very calmly and pushed Xin Ru forth for Mrs Su to examine. “Your room has never been let to another,” Mrs Su told Wei Wei. “Everything is just as you left it. You may go there and look at it.”
“Thank you, madame.” However, Wei Wei knew that her room had not been given to another because no one would accept such a dingy, dark, damp room and not because of any kindness or ‘can’t give up’ (bu she de, don’t know how else to translate) in Mrs Su’s heart. She curtseyed and went out of the room, intending to go to her old room and look around. Xin Ru, as usual, followed her out.
You Pen went up to his mother. “You remember her so vividly?” he asked in astonishment. Mrs Su nodded. “I remember her because she was the beauty among all our maids and slaves,” she replied, “and because…” she looked shrewdly at her son, “she was a friend of yours.”
You Pen caught his breath. She…didn’t know, did she? He thought wildly. Mrs Su sighed. “Son, I admit I didn’t treat her well. She was raised up by the servants…I don’t know how on earth she managed to befriend you, but I didn’t treat her well. After all, she was only a slave.”
“Yes, mother,” You Pen said, relieved that his mother did not know everything. “Don’t blame yourself. She was only a slave.”
“She is very beautiful,” Mrs Su said.
“Very beautiful,” he readily agreed. “Mother, I would like to take my leave now…may I?” he knew that as his mother grew older, she preferred to be left alone. Not surprisingly, a look of pleasure came into Mrs Su’s eyes. “Yes, you may,” she said, and after saying farewell he walked out of the room. Wei Wei, he thought. He made his way to the small dark room, and remembered how all those years ago he would steal silently to her room whenever he knew she would be there.
He looked round the room, recalling their past laughter and their conversations – the way her face lit up when she laughed, the way she would hold him close when he felt depressed about the way their relationship was progressing, the way she would kiss him if he pouted…and then that night of love and grief – the night that he had stolen into her room and they had loved each other as they had never done before…and the night they had both wept in each other’s arms, knowing that it was possible that they would never see each other again. He focused his eyes on her figure, draped in white, which provided a startling contrast to the dark room. “You’re thinking of it too?” he blurted out before he could stop himself. With a start, she turned round to face him. Her eyes hardened. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said flatly. He’d expected that answer. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she repeated. Wei Wei, he screamed in his mind, don’t act like that…this is probably the only time that we will ever get to talk like this… “Leave.” Her voice was so low that he could barely hear her, but he was determined not to leave. “Leave,” she said, and he detected a slight quiver in her voice.
“You are thinking of that night,” he said. Yes,
that night when the both of us had loved each other so much…that night the two
of us had cried together… “Seven years ago…when I came in here…” A
wave of sadness washed over him and left him almost choking with grief. “Why
can’t you admit it?”
She raised her hand, and for a moment he thought she would strike him, so
intense was the anger on her face. He raised his chin defiantly and looked at
her. Slowly, her hand dropped. “You,” her voice was hard and strained. “I
have nothing to admit,” she said. She turned away from him and looked at a
picture which hung on the wall. He could feel her heartache, and cursed himself
for proposing to Li Ping. “You have everything to admit.” Damn it all! Who
was that inside him, making him say all these meaningless words? He ached with
the passing of the minutes; there was so little time, and all that came out of
his mouth were stupid, senseless words.
She swung round, fury in her eyes. “I have everything to admit?” she snarled. “Remember, Su You Pen, that you were the one who destroyed everything!”
“I did not!” he protested. “You destroyed me,” she accused. “You made a wreck of everything. Don’t you dare to come in here and deny it.” She pointed towards the door and looked at him, her eyes as hard and cold as steel. “Leave me. You have no right to come inside here.”
No, he thought, I will not leave. Never! “Say it, Wei
Wei.”
“Leave!” she cried loudly, tears sparkling in her eyes.
“Say it!” he shouted, not caring if anyone passing heard their discourse.
Say it, he shouted, say it, Wei Wei, I want to hear it! I want to know that you
did love me all those years…I want to know that I didn’t love in vain, that
what you told me in the bedroom was nonsense! Again, she turned away from him,
and he knew that she had done so because she didn’t want him to see the tears
in her eyes…but it was too late, because he’d already seen them.
“I made use of you.”
Death silence. Strange, he thought, how can a room filled with shouting be as silent as a tomb the next? I shouldn’t believe her – at least not when she’s looking away like that – she can lie… “Do you mean it?” he asked softly. She did not turn around. “Look at me,” he said, “and say those words looking at me.” I’ll be able then to see the truth in her eyes…
She looked at him straight in the eye, and he was blown by the distinct hardness in them. Heaven, no, this wasn’t her…the Wei Wei he knew wasn’t hard… “I made use of you.” Her voice was very clear.
He stood still, trying to absorb the words. If she could say the words so loudly and so clearly then – there must be some truth in them. There had to be. He felt as if she’d just thrust a knife into his heart as he raised his eyes to hers, unconsciously pleasing her to rephrase her sentence, but she steadfastly refused. “In that case,” he said, surprised at how odd his voice sounded, “I have nothing to say to you.” But she can’t be telling the truth, a voice said. She couldn’t have acted so well for so many years, could she? Yet, he could feel the last shred of hope slipping away from him, and there was a heaviness in his heart…but why should he feel like that? Didn’t he have Li Ping? He was, after all, better-off than her…she had no one…or – could it be that there was? It was possible. “Wei Wei,” he whispered softly.
She heard the two whispered words and thought that her heart was going to burst with the pain. “What if I had loved you?” she said, her voice harsh. “It wouldn’t have changed anything. Things are more impossible now than ever before. You’re already married.” She let out a dry laugh. “Married…”
He stood there, powerless to utter another word. She had spoken the truth. I am married, he thought, slightly startled, yes, I am married – why didn’t I realise the importance of being married until now? “At least I loved you,” he brought up.
“Weak,” she said scornfully. “Weak! I don’t need your love. I can get on very well without you.” Her eyes were blazing, but he thought he saw a glimmer of deep unhappiness – but the next moment it was gone, and he wondered if he had imagined it…weak? My love for you is weak?
She started to walk past him, but at the last moment he stretched out his hand and caught hold of her.
“What are you doing? Let me go!” she said, struggling.
“Stop struggling, for goodness’ sake!” he said, his voice sharp with grief. “I want to know if you felt anything for me the last night.”
She stopped struggling, her eyes wide. “Perhaps,” she said, in a softened tone, “I did feel a little – but not much.” She glared at him. “Let me go!”
And he let her go, watching her as she disappeared…and for the first time he wondered where Xin Ru was. The thought was so anti-climatic that he couldn’t help but smile…but something choked him, and the smile soon faded away.
Xin Ru had no idea what had happened; she only knew that she had been ordered to go away when her mistress entered the dingy room, and a few minutes after Mr Su had joined Miss Zhao. Miss Zhao had run out of the room with tears streaking her face, and had gone into the nearest toilet.
Xin Ru couched outside the toilet, hearing sobs being wrenched out of her dearly beloved mistress. What could have happened? Her fourteen-year-old mind puzzled over it, but could come to no conclusion. She had never heard Miss Zhao cry like that – even when the late Mr and Mrs Zhao had passed away, she had not cried so bitterly, with so much despair…Xin Ru knew that Miss Zhao’s grief had something to do with Mr Su, but she knew not what.
Knocking gently on the door, she said in a low voice, “Xiao Jie…Xiao Jie, are you all right?”
A muffled sob reached her ears, and Miss Zhao spoke. “I’m…all right.” After a little pause, she continued, “Xin Ru, when we get back, please tell Mrs Su for me that we shall begone at once.” Xin Ru couldn’t hold in her gasp. They were leaving? They were leaving the lovely, comfortable, rich house back to their horrible, damp, empty one? Was Miss Zhao joking? Xin Ru couldn’t bear the thought of going back to that hole. “But…Xiao Jie…” no matter how much she protested, her pleadings were met with a stormy silence. She begged, “Xiao Jie, living in that house will not be good for you…it is so dark, so terrible…”
“Xin Ru,” said Miss Zhao, and her voice sounded queerer than ever, “if you like you may stay, but I’m going.”
“No!” Xin Ru exclaimed. Anything was better than leaving her mistress. “All right, I’ll tell Mrs Su…” she heard the sound of vomiting, and was so anxious that she sprang up and started knocking hard on the door. “Xiao Jie, please let me in! Xiao Jie, don’t shut me out like that!” she knocked until her fists were skinned and she could feel pain searing through her hand. “Xin Ru.” She turned to see a troubled-looking Mr Su. “Who is in there?” he asked.
“My mistress,” she gasped out in terror.
Mr Su inserted a key into the lock and opened the door. He stood still at the doorway, staring at the scene before him.
Wei Wei was dipping her head down into the sink, her hand fumbling weakly for the tap. Her handkerchief which laid on the floor was bloodied. You Pen couldn’t believe his eyes. He felt as if his heart was being torn apart and thrown into a ditch. “Wei Wei…” he murmured, rooted to the ground in his shock. Wei Wei lifted her head to see him, and he was devastated by the pallor of her face. “What are you doing here?” she cried, her voice little more than a whisper. He came forward and saw that the sink was full of blood and vomit. “What have you been doing to yourself?” he asked, his heart aching. To his amazement, she flung her arms round him and drew him close to her, sobbing into his shoulder. “You Pen,” she whispered, crying so hard that she couldn’t speak coherently.
Taken aback, he drew his arms round her and pulled her even nearer, his arms tingling at the touch of her. How good she felt in his embrace…he had not felt her in his arms for so long that he had almost forgotten the feeling…but now it felt so good – so right somehow…he tightened his hold on her and let his tears drop freely onto her hair. Yes, he thought, this is right…this is how it should be…should have been all along – Wei Wei and I, not Li Ping; Li Ping was never in the picture.
*Flashback*
She stretched out her arms, her face full of joy…the rain beat down onto the both of them, but it only added to their mirth. He took her hands, shouting with laughter as they spun round and round like the crazy youths that they were, dancing as their clothes clung to them like a second skin.
They were all alone…no one ever came to this part of the mansion anymore because it was believed to be haunted…they did not have to worry about anyone coming and catching them.
He kept looking at her beauty as she smiled and smoothed his hair from his face. What a beautiful creature she was! On impulse, he leaned closer to her and kissed her eyes, and she let out a laugh. The rain was on their side, she said; the rain was encouraging the both of them to love each other wholly…all nonsensical sentences, but words which made them laugh helplessly – at the same time realizing their feelings for each other.
The intensity of the storm only added to their elation, and that was the day when they pledged their hearts and souls to each other, devoutly believing that if only they waited long enough, they would be together for eternity…
*End of Flashback*
There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed if I just listened to it right outside the window
There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust and I just knew my eyes were drying up forever
I finished crying in the instant that you left
And I can’t remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made
But when you touch me like this
And you hold me like that
I just have to admit
That it’s all coming back to me
When I touch you like this
And I hold you like that
It’s so hard to believe but it’s all coming back to me
If you forgive me all this
If I forgive you all that
We forgive and forget
And it’s all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
We see just what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall but it’s all coming back to me now
She turned to the sink and began to wash up, her hands shaking and turning red under the hot water. Xin Ru now came into the toilet, and after ejaculations of surprise and horror, the two of them cleaned up the blood and vomit. You Pen wanted so much to hold her once more, but he stood rooted to the ground, not knowing what to do. “Are you all right?” he asked her. She looked faintly surprised. “All right?” she repeated. “Why did you vomit blood?”
“Oh…” she murmured. “I don’t know myself.” She put a hand on Xin Ru’s shoulder and tried to compose her features. She did not look her best right now, being pale and wasted, but he had never loved her more. “I do love you,” he said in a low voice.
Her lips tightened.
“It’s up to you whether you want to believe me or not. But I love you. I’ve never stopped loving you, and I’ve never forgotten you all these years. I married Li Ping because – because she had saved me from dying from that illness. It was mostly gratitude and – my family was pressurizing me to marry her. I didn’t do it because I’d forgotten you.”
Tears came into Wei Wei’s eyes, but she said nothing.
Instead, she allowed Xin Ru to lead her out of the toilet without saying a
single word. Perhaps she, too, felt as hopeless as he did.
Xin Ru was very silent all the way back to You Pen’s house.
* * *
“Did you enjoy yourself? Did mother recognize you?” Li Ping bombarded Wei Wei with questions the moment she got out of the car. Wei Wei allowed herself to be helped into the house before saying a word. “She recognized me,” she said very carefully, “and I had a pleasant time.” She did not dare to look at Li Ping in the face.
Xin Ru stared at Li Ping as she quietly walked into the house. To Xin Ru, her young mistress was the only person in her life and she could not endure seeing her hurt or in pain physically or emotionally. Now Li Ping seemed almost like a monster to her, for she had unknowingly caused Wei Wei so much pain. However, she could say nothing when Wei Wei was around, so she kept silent and listened as Li Ping and Mei Lan questioned her mistress eagerly about the visit.
After half an hour, You Pen said roughly, “That’s
enough. Wei Wei needs her rest. Don’t bother her anymore, Li Ping.”
“Yes, yes,” Li Ping said agreeably. “I’ve been such a nuisance, Wei Wei!
Mei Lan, help her up to her room, I’m sure she wants to sleep for a while.”
Wei Wei’s only reply to this was a gentle smile. Just remember, the episode in
the bathroom never happened, she thought, and had a very hard struggle with her
tears.
* * *
Xin Ru lingered hesitatingly by the door, wondering if she should go in or not. Wei Wei was fast asleep in the other room, so she was free for the time being. Gathering up her courage, she knocked on the wooden door. There was a pause, then “come in”. She took a deep breath and opened the door. She saw Li Ping sitting on a chair, reading a book which she closed upon Xin Ru’s entrance. “Well?” she said, smiling. “Is there anything, Xin Ru?”
“Yes, Mrs Su,” Xin Ru stammered. “I have something to tell you.”
“Sit down, dear. Don’t be shy. Now,” she said, “what is it? I’m ready to listen.”
Xin Ru closed her eyes briefly and willed her voice to be steady.
* * *
The door suddenly burst open. You Pen, industriously bent over a pile of papers, jumped and looked up as his wife came into the study. He beheld her in amazement, for he had never seen her so white before in his entire life. “Is anything the matter?” he asked concernedly. Li Ping stared at him, a lump rising in her throat as she saw how handsome he was. No, she thought determinedly, I won’t lose him – never! I’m his wife! And I have every right to confront him about this matter. She raised her chin and looked at him unflinchingly. “Xin Ru came to me twenty minutes ago and told me that you and Wei Wei used to be lovers. Is that true?”
You Pen was taken aback, but he answered “Yes” without attempting to deny anything. Li Ping flushed. “She told me, too, that you talked with her during your visit to the Su mansion…is that true, too?” she could not hide a quiver in her voice. You Pen nodded his head slowly. There was no point in shaking his head. Tears came into Li Ping’s eyes. “But you love me, don’t you?” she whispered. “No matter what happened between the two of you last time, you still love me, don’t you?”
You Pen gazed at her, voices shouting in his head, one telling him to tell her the truth, the other telling him to lie to her, the other telling him not to say anything. “You’re my wife,” he said slowly and cautiously. Li Ping flung herself down at his feet and reached out to grasp his hand. “I don’t want to lose you,” she cried, tears rolling down her cheeks. “You Pen…I don’t believe that you feel anything for Wei Wei now…you don’t, do you? Please tell me you don’t!”
“I…” You Pen started, and stopped. Shut up, he told himself. “She’s not part of my life,” he said, wondering why his voice sounded so stiff and unfeeling. Because it was not so. He wanted to scream to the whole world…wanted to yell to someone to help him out of this mess…wanted to cry – something he had not done since he was a small child. “She’s not part of my life anymore, Li Ping.” How true it is, he thought, and how false it is. She has always been a part of me; she will always be a very important person in my life – but she doesn’t belong to me. Not anymore. Not anymore.
* “Promise you’ll love me forever?” *
* “I promise. I’ll love you forever, and never let another woman into my life.” *
Life was so uncertain that even a promise like that could not be kept…
And thus, Xin Ru and Wei Wei left the Su house the next morning, travelling the bleak journey back to their ‘home’, for no one offered to send them back. A waste of time, Wei Wei thought, a huge waste of time. After all the heartbreak and sadness, I’m still going back home. My home. The place that isn’t a home yet is my home. How confusing it sounds. She lifted her head and surveyed the silent, gray land surrounding them. How confusing life is. One minute you feel as if you’re actually progressing, and the next minute you’re nowhere. A tear squeezed its way out from the corner of her eye. At least, she consoled herself, I’m better than some women. They have no memories of ever being loved by a man – or probably having loved a man. I have even though it’s all over now. I have.
It had been a month since she left, and everything had fallen apart the day she and Xin Ru walked away. Li Ping had been kind to her, but nothing could disguise the jealousy that she felt. Mei Lan had been most demonstrative in her affections; but she, too, could not help hiding the little anger she felt at Wei Wei for causing her sister so much hurt. You Pen almost snorted when he thought of it. So much hurt? What was Li Ping’s hurt compared to Wei Wei’s? SHE didn’t have to walk back home, SHE wasn’t left with no one but a servant girl, SHE continued to live in her wealthy, luxurious home. You Pen wanted so much for him and Wei Wei to be together, but his loyalty and faithfulness to Li Ping made it impossible for him to do so.
His common sense told him that he would never see Wei Wei again; never smell the scent of her hair, never feel her body in his arms, never hear her beloved voice again…but deep down inside him a voice persistently told him that some day he would…
* * *
“Xiao Jie, why don’t you accept him?” Xin Ru asked. “He’s well-to-do, handsome, good-hearted and in love with you. So why are you so hesitant over accepting him?” she looked inquiringly at Wei Wei, who sat with her finger on her lip. Wei Wei had long since lost her rosy colour, which was replaced by a pallor that seemed almost sickly, but she was just as beautiful as ever, and even more so in the eyes of Lin Zhi Yin, a young man who was smitten with Wei Wei’s beauty and charms. “I don’t know, Xin Ru,” Wei Wei said slowly. She sighed and looked round the dark, bare room. “Maybe I should accept him,” she said almost to herself. “After all, there are worse men, and I do like him.”
“So what is holding you back?” Xin Ru said in annoyance. Wei Wei smiled absently at her. In her mind, she was thinking of the boy whom she had loved so dearly, and the man who had rejected her. She suddenly made a swift decision. “I will accept him,” she said. “You will grow up properly, Xin Ru, and I shall be able to provide for you.” Before Xin Ru could reply, she rose and went out of the room. At the door she paused. “Don’t come to me,” she said, her voice quivering slightly. “I need to be alone.” With that, she went to the other room and shut the door.
Xin Ru knew, from the silence that came from the room, that her young mistress was undergoing one of the most terrible times in her life.
"Mr Su! Mr Su!”
You Pen turned with a sigh to face the servant rushing
up to him. “Yes, what is it?” he asked disinterestedly.
“Mr Su, Mrs Su is sick,” the servant gasped out. You Pen gazed
disinterestedly at the servant. “Is she? Flu?” he asked. The servant shook
his head violently. “No, no, sir! I think it must be something very
serious!” he said. “Please go and see her now, she wants to see you!”
The moment You Pen set eyes on Li Ping he knew that his wife was very sick with some disease. He quickly sent some of the servants to get a doctor here while he held Li Ping’s hand, looking down at her with mixed feelings in his heart. “You’ll be fine,” he told her. Li Ping’s eyes fluttered open and she looked at him sadly. “No,” she whispered, and coughed. “I…won’t…”
“You will!” You Pen said fiercely. “If only you’ll stop saying that you won’t pull through this, you will!” he did not know where the fierceness came from, only…Li Ping had always been very good to him…she had always been a trustworthy friend and a good listener to his problems. He couldn’t bear for her to die. And she was so young…his breath caught at his throat as he thought of Wei Wei. She, too, was so young and yet she would be better off dead…she was suffering so much.
“Sir, the doctor is here,” a servant said to him, and he stood up at once to welcome the doctor, who came hurriedly into the room. You Pen sent all the servants out of the room and watched as the doctor did a checkup on Li Ping. After asking a few questions, he nodded gravely. “Typhoid,” he said laconically.
Li Ping’s eyes widened in terror. Typhoid! She looked at You Pen, who seemed equally as transfixed. The doctor subscribed some medicine, told You Pen that he would be here everyday, and went out of the room, shaking his head sadly. You Pen went over to Li Ping and stood staring at her with startled eyes. Li Ping knew she had to act fast. She grabbed his hand with all the strength she had left. “You Pen!” she croaked. “You must promise me something!”
You Pen did not answer; he continued to stare down at
her.
“Promise me something,” Li Ping cried. “Don’t ever let another woman
come into your life, especially not Wei Wei!” She grasped his hand with
astonishing strength. “You Pen, promise me, please! Don’t let any other
woman be your wife, please don’t!”
You Pen gazed at her, feeling his heart being shred into pieces. Tears were beginning to make their way down Li Ping’s cheeks. Promise her, he thought. And he promised.
Wei Wei sat very still, listening to what Xin Ru was telling her. Li Ping was dead…had died last night of typhoid. Despite herself, Wei Wei couldn’t help but feel sorry and upset…after all Li Ping had been very good to her. It seemed almost impossible that she could be dead. What was to become of You Pen now? “Xiao Jie,” Xin Ru was saying, “another thing that I heard…it seems that Mrs Su made Mr Su promise not to marry another woman for as long as he lived. And he did promise.” She stopped and looked hesitatingly at Wei Wei.
Wei Wei sat with her hands holding her chin, a pensive and melancholy smile on her face. “He did? I’m sure it was a wise decision,” she said bitterly. Xin Ru did not have the least idea on what to say when her young mistress looked so hurt. After a few moments of silence, Wei Wei roused herself. “Am I being intolerable, Xin Ru? I, who am engaged to Lin Zhi Yin and yet should continue to feel for Su You Pen…such an incredulous and ridiculous situation. Why?” she laughed in a way which made Xin Ru feel even more frightened. Wei Wei rose and hurriedly left the room. Haven’t I promised myself that I would be strong? She chided herself gently. Then why am I behaving like that? I’m acting like a complete and utter fool!
Two weeks later she would be married…but not to the man she had hoped to be married to almost all her life. No, it would be a new beginning. She would not have to dwell on any more painful memories anymore – because another man would be by her side; and she could just forget about anything even remotely connected to Su You Pen. He had hurt her too much.
* * *
“Married?” You Pen leapt up and stared with startled eyes at the servant.
“Yes, sir. This is what Miss Lin told me to tell you,” the servant said indifferently. You Pen put his hands over his eyes. Wei Wei was getting married? “When?” he demanded. “Did Miss Lin say when?”
“A week from now, sir.”
You Pen grabbed his coat. “I’m going to her house now,” he said. “Get the car and let’s hurry!” he ordered the servant, who sped off to do his bidding.
Mountains may spilt and divide,
Hills may sink and move apart,
But I will always want you to be at my side
And love me with all your heart.
Oh my love, I adore thee
Your face my eyes always see
Please say that you will be mine
And love me till the end of time.
Whenever I look into your eyes,
I feel like flying to the skies
So please promise to bring me high
To lift me to the skies
And together we will fly.*
She sighed and tilted her head, trying to think of something else. But…
*”Promise to love me forever?”*
*”I promise. I’ll love you forever, and never let another woman into my life.”*
Suddenly, without even thinking about it, Wei Wei let out a mirthless laugh. Xin Ru jumped and looked at her. When was the last time she had heard Wei Wei laugh? Xin Ru couldn’t even remember. It was so long ago…and what had she to laugh about now? Wei Wei, looking down at Xin Ru, saw all the questions in the little maid’s eyes and couldn’t help but smile again. “So funny…” she said softly. “I find it so amusing now.” And she did. All the misery she had undergone…the promise he had made to her years ago…the scene in the room…everything seemed just – amusing to her now.
She heaved a deep sigh and put a hand on Xin Ru’s shoulder. “When I marry Zhi Yin,” she said, “I’ll be able to provide better for you, Xin Ru. I’m so sorry for being so selfish and for being so blind to YOUR suffering. I won’t neglect you like that again.”
“How can you say that?” Xin Ru cried, disturbed by this self-reproach. “Xiao Jie, you have cared so much for me. I would be the most ungrateful person alive if I didn’t thank you for all that you have done for me.” She gave Wei Wei a tight hug to emphasize her words. A smile lighted up Wei Wei’s beautiful, sweet young face. In spite of all her troubles, Wei Wei was only a girl…but because of all the misery, she had turned into a sober, unsmiling person – only two people in the world had ever seen the other side of her. The cheerful, laughing, sweet, fun-loving girl who had never been given the chance to grow up. Only Xin Ru and You Pen had ever seen that Wei Wei who was buried deep inside this Wei Wei.
“He will come for you,” Xin Ru said unexpectedly. She did not need to define who the ‘he’ was; both of them knew.
Wei Wei looked sharply at Xin Ru, then shook her head. “He will never come for me,” she said, half to herself. “He has made a promise to Li Ping. He will not break it.” But he broke the promise he made to you, a voice told her. What makes you think he will not break the promise he made to Li Ping? Because he loves her more than he loves me, she thought. Li Ping was, is and always will be an important part in his life. Just thinking about it made her smile again. “He will never come for me,” she repeated. “Now let us talk of something else instead.”
And outside, a car’s horn was sounded…
“But…how?” Wei Wei was totally bewildered.
“Go down to him!” Xin Ru pulled impatiently at Wei Wei.
Wei Wei allowed herself to be pulled down the stairs, her mind in a confusion. How had he known that she was going to get married? But she was not allowed to dwell long on that question for You Pen was rushing up the lane, bent on getting her to leave with him.
“Wei Wei,” he said breathlessly the moment he reached her. He stared into her startled eyes, then caught hold of her hands and held them tight. “Don’t leave me…”
Xin Ru, with a delighted smile, quietly left the room.
“How did you know?” Wei Wei asked, too puzzled to say anything else. You Pen released one of her hands and gently caressed her face. “Xin Ru told a servant to tell me. Wei Wei, I’m so sorry about the way I’ve treated you. I meant it when I made that promise to you years ago…I did, I really did. I didn’t want to marry Li Ping, but my family insisted that I should – and as she had been so good to me, I agreed. I didn’t think I would ever see you again. I can’t lose you, Wei Wei. I love you,” he said. Wei Wei looked at him and saw his heart in his eyes. But her sense of pride refused to let her give up so easily. “Do you really think I’ll go back to you?” she asked.
“Perhaps not…I don’t know,” You Pen replied. “But one thing I DO know is that if I don’t come to you and beg you to forgive me before you get married, I’ll never be able to live with myself.”
He loved her. Wei Wei could read everything for herself in his eyes. He did love her.
“If you don’t believe me, you can look into my heart and see everything for yourself,” he told her, holding her hand close to his heart.
Wei Wei’s pride melted. “No, I don’t have to, I believe you,” she said. Then a thought occurred to her and she said hesitatingly, “but the promise you made to Li Ping…”
“Yes, yes,” You Pen said impatiently. “I did make a promise to her. I said to her ‘No other woman will ever take your place’, but don’t you understand, Wei Wei, that she’s just a good friend to me? Probably the best friend I’ve ever had…no other person, not even a man, would ever be able to fill HER place in my heart. I don’t love her. I love you.”
Wei Wei finally understood and, in spite of everything, laughed. “You are horrible!” she said.
You Pen held her against him and looked into her eyes. “I love you,” he said again, and gently lowered his mouth to meet hers.
How Do I Love TheeHow do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passions put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, - I love thee with the breadth,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
- Elizabeth Barrett Browning
