The Internet: Intelligence is Possible

shocking language and photographs used to convey the severity of the problem at hand

On the internet, no one really knows you. This is good news, kids. No one knows what an imbecile you are unless you TELL THEM. Exciting, isn't it?

Sadly, the truly intelligent among us will recognize the signs if you aren't careful. EVERYTHING relates to the way you type. No matter how smart you think your meaning is, it will be lost in a cloud of incoherant gibberish if you do not do as I say.

First off, acronyms have to go. Here are a few examples:

TTFN- Ta Ta For Now. Think about why you would even WANT TO SAY THIS! UGH!

TTYL--Talk To You Later. Yes, this does make some sort of sense, but when you say it, it makes me think that you are a fool--so please avoid it when you are speaking to me.

ROFLMAO--Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off. The problem I have with this one is the thought that it takes to type. If they said something funny, why not just say "that's funny." Plus, the mental image...be merciful. If I know what you look like...chances are I don't want to see you rolling around in my head. Anything at all related to this one is strictly prohibited and I will rip on you if you say it.

A/S/L--It means "Looking for sex, you?" This is not a good replacement for "hi." It marks you immediately as a male or a whore. Difference? Minimal.

OIC--Oh, I see. You must be aware that just the need to say the actual words marks you as slow. If, in addition, you say OIC, I will probably block you. It is that bad, I kid you not.

Exceptions to the rule:

LOL--Laugh Out Loud. This is so ingrained that it is hard to get mad about. If you must convey amusement, though, I encourage the use of 'ha.' The control here is nice. ha, haha, and HAHAHAHAHA are nice and dynamic, using all the same letters, while LOL remains static. DO NOT use "hehe" instead, though. It is an immediate idiocy indicator. Also, if you insist on using "lol" it would be nice if you wouldn't capitalize it, that's just obnoxious.

BRB--Be right back. This is used constantly and is actually easier to type. I will let this one go.

K--Okay. I do not care about this one.

Secondly, Number Usage:

G2G--Got to go. First of all, it is horrid grammar and I wish you wouldn't say it at all. Second, it is the wrong 2. 2=two. USE THE RIGHT WORD. I realize you don't actually think that it is the right word, you are just trying to be clever. (you aren't the first...the creativity of the thing is lost by now) You would be amazed how successful it is to do what I do. I say, "I have to go." This prevents other unnecessary statements like "I am not white trash."

h8--hate. Please don't do this. gr8 is even worse. It is not faster. It is not clever. It is contributing to the dumbing down of America. Believe me, no extra help is needed. (Don't try to sneak by this by using l8r, you will be hunted down and shot. Publically.)

Don't use "4" either. For anything. Ever.

Third, Purposeful Misspelling:

U--you. It is not hard to write the whole word. This is a personal pet peeve of mine, don't use it. It makes you look completely homosexual.

This person uses "U" constantly. Now do you believe me?

R--are. Again, just write the word. It is only three letters, it isn't hard. In written communication, it is annoying to have to stop reading to think about what the person it talking about and while it certainly isn't hard to figure out, it breaks up the flow and makes you look like you can't type. Why on earth would you wish to look stupid? Wasn't your childhood enough to scare you away from that?

Thanx or Thx--Thanks. Internet slang like this must go. This is most common among girls, I'm sorry to say. Girls, stop this. You look stupid. Guys don't mind, stupid girls are easier to sleep with. If you have no desire to say, "I am blonde, I am slow, and I am easily fucked." then please desist in using purposeful misspelling.

Ur--your or you're. This is particularly common amongst foreigners. I'm not sure if it is because they can't tell the difference between the two meanings or because they talk to enough retarded Americans and Canadians that they consider it proper. IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO CUT OFF HALF THE WORD. Using this is, believe it or not, even WORSE than using the wrong word. And anyone that will say, "I love you're website" or "Your a beautiful woman" should be shot, despite their excellent taste.

Ppl--people. I realize that this really is a funny looking word, if you think about it...but that is how you spell it. I assume that anyone saying 'ppl' is about thirteen. There is no other acceptable excuse for this.

Probly or Prolly--Probably. Don't be lazy and annoying. If you are going to use this word, spell it. You are already wussing out by not just saying "yes" or "no."

Fourth, the Unintentional:

If you make a mistake, correct it. If you don't, you are a moron...stop talking to me before I block you.