People have asked about my family and the best possible way to talk about them is using their own words. The first is a ridiculously fun conversation between my sister and I and the second is a story my brother told me.

Robin:

RandomWoman: vomit breath
Robin: welcome stringy cottage cheese
Robin: me tiger lily
RandomWoman: awww, you're such a toilet bowl brush
Robin: ohhhhhh, you are so moist
RandomWoman: ohhhhhhhhh, how DARE you use such language to me
RandomWoman: you soap eater
Robin: hair sweat
RandomWoman: toe cheese
Robin: natural blonde
RandomWoman: nose hair
Robin: hair has already been used!
RandomWoman: not NOSE hair
RandomWoman: it has a category all its own
Robin: naughty teacher
Robin: dripping ear
RandomWoman: peeling nose
RandomWoman: itchy toes
Robin: computer hugger
Robin: man-eating whore
RandomWoman: woman eating whore
Robin: self sucking skank
RandomWoman: booger eater
Robin: pig face
RandomWoman: reindeer butt
Robin: big leg
RandomWoman: fat cell
Robin: jennifer johnson
RandomWoman: dirt under david's toenails
Robin: bacteria eating virus
Robin: hippotomus squisher
RandomWoman: slug eater
RandomWoman: slug eater's breath
Robin: guardo perro
RandomWoman: julio
RandomWoman: MB liking lesbian
Robin: wilder lover
RandomWoman: allergic reaction
Robin: dad blower
RandomWoman: mom eater
Robin: punching bag
RandomWoman: pantyhose crotch
Robin: cradle crusher
RandomWoman: jelly slippers
Robin: lice grower
RandomWoman: lice collector
Robin: cellulite girl
Robin: slow wench

(I started to torture a friend of hers at this point, and the argument was postponed.)

Wilder's Story:

We were all sitting around in the lounge area kinda late and there was this annoying kid named nic who was there.
I saw these two hammers on the table, and I picked them up. Instantly, I decided that anyone holding two hammers must be some sort of prehistoric man, and so instead of walking around upright, I crouched low, holding the hammers out in front of me near the ground, somewhat like a gorilla, and scurried out of the room and around the corner towards the mens bathroom.

Everyone else in the room was somewhat suprised, intrigued, or disturbed by this odd happening, and they kinda shared this moment of "what... is he doing...?" I peered around the corner at about knee level, still crouched, eyeing my prey... nic, the annoying kid... Every hunter needs to know his prey, and nic seemed to be a curious sort of fellow, often meddling in other peoples' affairs and wondering what they were doing.

So, as I crouched like the cro-magnon hunter I had become, I began to tap quietly on the tiles outside the bathroom with my hammers, just around the corner so they couldn't see me, but I could still see them in the reflection of the plastic on the wall

While everyone else either ignored this act, raised an eyebrow, or passed it off as plain lunacy, Nic needed to know what I was doing and why. So, being the "clever" person he was, he decided to sneak up and jump out at me around the corner, completely oblivious to the fact that I could see him in the reflection.

So as he drew nearer, the siren song of my battle hammers increased, luring him in with every beat.

Then he prepared to jump out, but since he has trouble with motor skills, and reminds most people of quasimodo, preparing to jump out is an obvious task when one can be seen in the reflection on the wall...

So as he lept, (again, much like quasimodo,) I raised both my mighty warhammers and prepared myself for battle. As his soft, sock covered feet landed in front of my HAMMER ARMED FORM, CROUCHED LOW TO THE GROUND, (the capitalized letters are placed here to emphasize his poor judgement) I put a hammer into the ground an inch from his toes, and began a barrage of hammering, causing him to yelp in fear and spring back.

Still crouched low, like a neanderthal warrior, I increased the speed of my hammer attacks. I began to charge him, much like an ape or monkey, hopping while still in a crouched position, smashing my hammers on the floor in front of me, aiming just next to his poor little toesies... and proceeded to chase him, yelping and screaming, past the lounge and down the hall that goes to a stairway in the very front of the retreat center, where he quickly learned that he was cornered...

He stood, or rather, he huddled, in the corner near the door, as I watched him silently from about ten yards down the hallway, my hammers raised and ready about a foot and a half off the ground. I stared at him as a tiger would stare at a wounded beast, instilling the fear that would plague him for days in the farthest recesses of his mind, coming back to him as he slept during the worst of his nightmares. My eyes showed no mercy as I crouched there in the shadows. No hint of playfulness. No admission of reality. Only the cold hard glance of a predator, convincing my prey thoroughly that I was, indeed, stalking him, and that escape was not an option...

As he stood there, whimpering quietly for help, the lounge behind me roared with helpless laughter as the remaining staff members sat contentedly on the nice soft sofas, watching the spectacle and snickering at nic's bitter misfortune.

Then the laughter began to die down as people began to wonder what would happen next. I backed slowly out of the small hallway, and scurried around the corner to a vantage point where I could watch the spot he would have to walk in order to get to his room. The rest of the staff, my boss included, attempted to stifle their laughter as I lay in wait, poised much like angry rock troll, gripping the handles of my mighty war hammers and waiting with a silent scowl on my face.

It was all I could do to keep from breaking out into the most paralyzing giggles I've ever experienced as quasimodo slowly hobbled to the end of the hall to ask in a quiet, shaky voice "where... where is he?" My boss put on a straight face replied frankly, "I don't know, Nic. I don't know. He could be just about anywhere..."

Terror seized our little friend, and darted in fear down the stairs to his room, where he promptly locked the door, and changed his clothes, while the rest of us rolled on the ground laughing for almost ten minutes.

The End

Afterward:

Whenever he brings up that night, no one knows what he's talking about, because I had a little talk with everyone who witnessed the event. So now he's not even sure it really happened...

Amanda's Note: I was raised with these people...are you beginning to understand?