First, the characters in this little charade.

The Empress--played by herself.
Sarah--played by Sarita, woman of the night.
BOOT--we were never sure who played this character
Chris/Lyger--played by the alcoholic from New Hampshire
also featuring cameo appearances by Andey

In keeping with all things commentary...this will not attempt to be a story. Instead, it is me relating to you everything funny that happened during this highly entertaining weekend. Pull up a chair, my subjects...it all starts now...

The Arrival

If two people leave at 11:00 EST for a 6 hour trip, it is suspected that they will arrive at their destination at 4:00 CST. If one of the aforementioned people drove 13 hours the day before and the other has not gotten up before 2:00 pm in the last four years...the 4 o'clock expectation becomes, "4 at the earliest." It is not unusual, then, to begin a high-scale cleaning effort at about 3:15, with no doubt whatsoever that it would be finished by the time the guests arrived at about 6 or 7. It further made sense to take a shower at 3:35...just in case they did in fact arrive at four. And so I state that I was completely within my rights upon hearing the buzzer at 3:40...to tell BOOT and Lyger that they had arrived WAY too early.

The First Shock

For the most part Lyger and BOOT are exactly as I expected. Having met Lyger before...I was not at all expecting the first surprise to come from him, but it came when he said it was too early to drink. This is the same kid who wants to meet his perfect woman in A.A. It was sad to see his lack of dedication.

Shopping with BOOT and Lyger

There were many things that Sarah and I could not get before they came because we only had a certain amount of hands. So after their arrival (and my shower) we went shopping for necessities. (ice cream, alcohol, and the like) However, BOOT did not see the need to merely get what we had come for...and continued to put things in the cart. I continued to remove these things from the cart and say things like, "No, BOOT...we are not getting this." Yet another real life example of why it would be bad to have children.

Football

A significant down time activity, when waiting for something else to happen...was playing with the football BOOT found it necessary to bring. After just tossing it for awhile, BOOT decided to make it interesting and call where the ball would go. His particular favorite was "Off the Canadian Flag," the presence of which had bothered him from the moment he entered the room. It is a full sized flag, however, and apparently that did not challenge him for long, for he soon started aiming for the smaller Israeli flag on the other side of the room. I looked away for about a second and in that time the football had knocked Sarah's birthday present for me off the mantle. Lyger and BOOT both sprang toward the fallen picture and tried to put it together before I saw it. Naturally, I was standing right there and their "Shhhhing" didn't stop me from seeing the missing pieces or hearing the huge crash. However, it was very entertaining to watch them attempt to subtley put a 16 x 20 picture frame back together.

Movie Time: An attempt to calm down

By the time we watched the movie Sarah was drunk. She got a phone call mid-way through the movie **note** Sarah got more phone calls than I did during the weekend **end note** so when she came back she had no clue what was going on. She kept asking in an attempt to find out what was going on. Lyger tried to answer, I laughed at her drunken state, and BOOT tried to watch the movie. He claims we finished watching it...I do not remember.

Rude awakening

Sarah thought "Cowboy, take me away" by the Dixie Chicks was the best alarm clock. It was not.

Other people's conversations

The humor of this will only be clear to select people...my apologies
We were walking down the streets of downtown Chicago and heard someone mention some race across America... I turned to BOOT immediately.
"Did you just hear..."
"Ace across America?" he asked. It appears we were on the same wavelength.

Thumbs

During our meal of assorted hamburgers and cheeseburgers it came to Lyger's attention that there was something seriously wrong with BOOT's thumbs. I believe the first, and subsequent quotes went something like this, "Your thumbs are fucked up, man!" BOOT concentrated on his thumbs, trying to see what was wrong with them. Lyger tried to explain that NORMAL thumbs did not look like toes. "Here, look at mine." BOOT laughed at that, though, because Lyger had allowed Sarah to paint his nails the night before. Lyger decided to use Sarah's thumbs as an example instead. (I will add at this point that Lyger has very nice nails that I am somewhat jealous of) BOOT seemed distressed at the news, saying he had never heard it before, and began to hide his thumbs. After that, I became determined to see his toes. Lyger was convinced they would look like fingers.

Virgin Records

The fact that I was in Virgin Records was kind of funny in and of itself, of course. No one got anything there. Sarah listened to "I wish" by R Kelly about 20 times. Knowing BOOT's favorite type of woman I picked up a Britney Spears CD. "Hey BOOT!" I said, reading the price tag. "Virgin on Sale." He only said, "I highly doubt it." and put the CD back where it came from.

Banana Splits

As though we weren't cold enough we decided to stop at George's, an ice cream parlor by my former university, North Park. We got a horrible waitress who better have had some sort of death in the family considering the treatment. Sarah and I shared your generic banana split. BOOT got a 'Tootie Fruitie.' Lyger didn't get anything. Suddenly, BOOT randomly exclaimed, "Whoa!!! Something exploded in my mouth!" We are stared at him, wondering what he could possibly be talking about and wondering if he should see a professional of some type. "Oh!" he finally said in a relieved voice..."I think it's a grape."

Hearing problems

While still at the restaurant Sarah told a story about how she and her friend had hitchhiked in Canada the year before. BOOT interrupted her story to say, "Did you just say pitchhiker? Because that is wrong, it is hitchhiker"

Andey's Cameo

If we had to give an award for the best slam...it would have to go to Andey. She was trying to get Joey to work (for those who are unaware, my computer is named Joey) so she made an appearance in the living room while BOOT was complaining that he didn't want to use a sticky cup. I suggested he use a glove and he said, "NO! Then my GLOVE will get sticky!" Andey gave him this look and said..."And you'd find that unusual?" There was a deep silence...in which everyone's eyes widened. Then BOOT broke the silence with an indignant, "I don't wear a glove for that!"

Andrew "Bring Back Prohibition" Bootman drinks!

Lyger decided that he did not want to leave on Sunday...he wanted to stay an extra day. BOOT explained that there was no WAY he could leave on Monday because then he would miss his banquet at WORK where he was being honored as a first responder. (high risk business) Lyger and I considered this worthless, of course, and thought he should just skip it. Sarah and Lyger decided that if he would drink a glass of Dr. Pepper/Malibu Rum...he would get to leave. He did it. He drank in order to make it to his first responder celebration. (Which he ended up sleeping through)

The Fork

We had plastic silverware all over the place. Lyger, BOOT and I were just sitting around after watching Boogie Nights (as Sarah talked on the phone YET AGAIN and Andey laughed at random intervals while on the internet) when BOOT picks up a plastic fork and slams it into his knee. Lyger and I stared at him in amazement as he said "OW!! I thought it would break!"

The Role of the M-counter

During the same time period as the fork Lyger mentioned how nice it was that in person BOOT would not enter a room to say, "400 millers complete"...BOOT's reply was this, "I haven't millered since Wednesday...man I need it!" **note** The word miller is used to describe a prevalent action in BOOT's life. It involves his right hand and a picture of some sort. **end note**

The Kennedys

One of our last activities before leaving was taking BOOT and Lyger out for Chicago pizza at Giordono's. Sarah and Lyger, who had been out earlier told BOOT and I that it wasn't cold and then grabbed their coats. I blame all subsequent sickness on them, it was a really long walk. During dinner Sarah started talking about how she couldn't wait to have kids so she could dress them up. BOOT immediately jumped in with advice. "Well, don't put dresses on the boys." he said. Sarah just looked at him and then looked at me. "Riight...and why not?" she asked. If she thought he didn't have a specific reason...she was wrong. "BECAUSE the Kennedy's did that!" he said excitedly..."and look what happenned to THEM!!! THEY ALL DIED!!"