Chapter 1

It was 3:00 a.m. and Liz faced Insomnia once again. She couldn't even
remember the last time she'd slept well. No, that wasn't true, she could
remember. It had been April 15th 1999, and part of the following night.

Liz sighed and switched on her lamp, reaching for the leatherbound book that
sat on her nightstand. Liz opened her journal. This was her safe place. The
only place where she could express herself freely without feeling guilty
afterwards. She felt guilty all the time lately.

She felt an overwhelming sense of guilt now as she picked up her pen and
began to write:

I've avoided Nikolas ever since he told me he loved me last week. I don't
know what to do. I don't know how it happened or why it happened, but Nikolas
swears he loves me. I told him that he was out of his mind. I told him to
leave and now I feel so bad. I was so awful to him. I'm so awful to everyone
and I can't seem to help it.

I feel as if the world is closing in on me and it's getting more difficult
everyday. It's hard to breathe. I thought this was supposed to get easier.
Isn't that what Gail used to say? Now, out of nowhere Nikolas has feelings
for me. What am I supposed to do? He's Luckys' brother for God's sake. I
can't see myself ever loving anyone again, let alone his own flesh and blood.

Right before Nikolas showed up, I heard him again. I was sitting down at my
desk avoiding homework and a voice said "Elizabeth do you homework." I knew
who it was immediately, and I turned around and he was gone. It's getting
stronger everyday. I swear I can almost feel him now. I think I'm going crazy.

Everyday I do something that I know tramples all over Lucky's memory. Am I
supposed to add this to the list now too? I can't love Nikolas. I can't love
anyone. I'm sure that if it weren't for Nikolas I'd be dead right now. He's
seen me through everything. But I can't love him. I just can't.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lucky rolled over once again, his face brushing against the soft cotton
pillow. The dream was back and stronger than ever. Each time he had the dream
the scent of the sea was more potent than before, the scent of her hair was
even more entoxicating, and the cold air made him shiver.

She was always right there in front of him, yet she never spoke a word. It
was foggy, so foggy he could barely see her, but his heart knew she was
there, reaching for him.

"Elizabeth," he wispered, walking closer to her, needing desperately to touch
her. Needing to feel her skin against his. Yet, each time he came close
enough to touch her she disappeared, fading quickly into the fog, leaving him
once again...alone on the docks.

Lucky opened his eyes with a start and wiped at the beads of sweat that lined
his brow. He rolled over and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to to will
himself back to sleep. He needed to see her again, maybe this time he'd be
able to touch her.

He lay there for fifteen minutes trying to drift off, before realizing that
there would be no more sleeping tonight. Suddenly he turned towards the steel
nightstand that stood by his bed, pulling open the drawer. With his other
hand he switched the lamp on, his eyes slowly adjusting to the light. His
fingers fumbled around in the near barren drawer, searching for the smooth
piece of paper. Grasping it finally, he took it out.

He stared longingly into her eyes. They'd been so happy that night. Their
night in New York, their only night. He was relieved now that she had
insisted on giving him two of the four shots that they had taken in that
photo booth.

********* "Elizabeth we don't have to do this,' he said pulling away from
their fevered kisses, only to rewarded with yet another and another and
another.**************

Lucky looked up at the ceiling, remembering the sweet bliss of ksssing
Elizabeth that night. That night had made him more certain than ever that
they would last forever. He would have bet his life on it. Now, the only
thing that he knew for sure was that he had to get out. He had to get out
soon.

Chapter 2

"The phone is for you dear," Audrey said crossing over to Liz and handing her
grand daughter the cordless phone.

Liz shifted in the Lazy Boy recliner, placing her weight on top of her legs.
The last thing she wanted to do was talk on the phone. Who could possibly be
calling her on a Friday night.

"Happy Birthday sweetheart! How are you?"

Liz rolled her eyes at the sound of her mother's cheery voice. For a moment
there she had actually succeeded in forgetting that it was her birthday. "Hi
mom, how are you?" she quickly asked, avoiding the same question her mother
had posed. Her mother wouldn't REALLY want to know how she was anyways.

"Fine dear," replyed Mary. "How are you holding up?"

Liz hated that question more than any other question in the world. When would
people stop asking her that? How the Hell did they think she was holding up?!

"I'm fine mom!" Liz said equaling the cheer in her mother's voice. She
plastered on a smile for Audrey's benefit as well.

"That's great sweetheart," Mary said, believing every word.

'God, she's clueless,' thought Liz through gritted teeth. 'I always could
snow my mom...I guess some things never change.' At the moment she had Audrey
snowed as well.  Maybe things were finally looking up for her dear Elizabeth.

Deep down, the only other person that she would have wanted to come through
the front door at that very moment besides Lucky...was her mother. She wanted
her mother to come and hold her, tell her that she'd take the hurt away...but
Liz knew that wasn't possible. Her mother was on the other side of the world,
with no plans of coming home, and no one, not even her mother could take this
hurt away.

"So baby, what are you doing tonight? Oh my goodness, isn't it exciting
Liz...you're 18!!!"

"Yeah mom, real exciting!" said Liz, still grinning from ear to ear. By this
time Audrey was grinning back. 'Does she have to listen to the entire
conversation?' Thought Liz. 'Why does she have to hover around me?'

"Um, yeah mom," Liz continued. "I've got plans...yeah...my friend Nikolas and
I are going out to get a bite...NO mom...he's just a friend." Elizabeth
sighed in contempt. She couldn't believe her mother had just asked her that.
The thought was ludicrous, although apparently Nikolas did not think so.

"Bye baby...Happy Birthday. I love you."

"Bye mom," said Liz, a lump the size of Texas forming in her throat. She
quickly put the receiver down in it's cradle, and brushed past Audrey to the
stairs. She had to get ready. Nikolas was coming to pick her up in an hour to
help her celebrate a day that she would have rather slept through.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh welcome Nikolas...don't you look handsome. I'll go get Elizabeth," said
Audrey as she jogged up the stairs to announce her grand daughther's guest.

Audrey descended the stairs quicker than she had gone up. "Nikolas! Liz has
disappeared!...She's not anywhere upstairs!" Audrey shouted, beginning to
panic. She knew that phone call seemed too good to be true.

Nikolas began panicking inwardly as well, but didn't want to worry Audrey any
further so he tryed to keep his cool. "Don't worry Mrs. Hardy...I'm sure
she's fine. I'll go look for her and let you know when I find her."

"Would you?! Oh, Nikolas thank you...please hurry." Audrey replyed clasping
her hands in front of her chest.

Nikolas was out the front door without a second thought.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Liz sat down on the bench breathing in the cool Fall breeze and the salty sea
air. She sighed as she looked out at Wyndemere far off in the distance.

"Hmm..." she said aloud. "It will be a year tomorrow Lucky...the last time I
was over there in that house with you...Nikolas' birthday...do you remember?"

Liz looked around from side to side, noticing that she was completely alone
on the docks. 'There I go talking to someone that's not here again,' she
thought. 'Not here, and never coming back.' For some reason she still had
trouble convincing herself of that.

Liz sat back on the bench. 'Their bench,' feeling the hard wood press against
her back.

******** "We're almost done ok," he sighed. "What's the last line of the
book?"

"It is a far, far better thing that I do that I have ever done. It is a far,
far better rest that I go to than I have ever gone...."********

Liz sighed at the memory. God, she could almost hear him, almost see him. She
reached into her pocket and pulled out a cigarette.

"One good thing about turning 18, you can buy these things legally," she said
lighting it and taking a long drag from the burning stick.

Liz had taken up smoking again a few weeks earlier. Relishing in the fact
that it would give her something to look forward to. Even if it was just a
Nicotine fix. She had started off slow, but quickly built her way back up to
2 packs a day. She was constantly borrowing "gas money" from Audrey.

"Liz! What are you doing?! " Nikolas said, appearing out of nowhere and
snatching the burning cigarette from her hand. He quickly extinguished it by
rubbing it into the ground under his boot.

She got up from the bench, beyond angry. "Well Happy Birthday to me!!" she
yelled. "You just destroyed the only birthday present I wanted."

Nikolas sighed and continued, decideing to ignore her sarcasm. "Liz...I was
worried about you...Audrey was worried. Why'd you take off like that?"

Liz sat back down on the bench, suddenly feeling very tired. "I had to get
out."

Nikolas sat down beside her, taking his hand in his, rubbing tiny circles
across her skin with his thumb. "Liz, what are you trying to get out OF
exactly?"

Liz looked down at his hand on hers. It felt nice to have someone hold her
hand, but it wasn't Lucky's. She only wanted Lucky's hand on hers and she'd
never be able to hold it again. She turned her head, deciding not to read
anymore than necessary into Nikolas' gesture. She knew what it meant, she
knew he wanted something from her that she was incapable of giving. At the
moment, she was also too tired to protest. "My life," she answered.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meanwhile......

"Well it looks like your brother and Ms. Webber are getting along quite
nicely wouldn't you say? It must be a comfort to know that she's not alone."