The World According to Andy = Rooney... > > >=20>=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20On Pregnancy: > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20Its weird when pregnant women feel the baby > > >=20 >>>          &= nbsp;=20 kicking. They say, Oh my God. He is kicking. > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20Do you wanna feel it? I always feel awkward > > >=20 >>>          &= nbsp;=20 reaching over there. Come on! Its weird to ask > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that > > >=20 >>>          &= nbsp;=20 when I have gas. Oh my God...give me your > > >=20 >>>          &= nbsp;=20hand...It wont be long now... > > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20On Ads In Bills: > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 Have you ever noticed that they put > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20advertisements in with your bills now? > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20to stuff junk mail in there with them. > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp; I=20 get back at them. I put garbage in with > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20banana peels...I write, Could you throw this > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 away for me? Thank You. > > > >>> > > > =>>>          &=nbsp;=20On Fabric Softener: > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off). > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 That's how they mark their territory. You > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20can take off the ring, but its hard to get that > > >=20 >>>          &= nbsp;=20 April fresh scent out of your clothes. > > > =>>> >=20> >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20On Cripes: > > >=20 >>>          &= nbsp;=20 My wife is from the Midwest. Very nice > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20people there. Very wholesome. They use > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 words like Cripes. For Cripes sake. Who > > >=20 >>>          &= nbsp;=20 would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20of the church of Holy Moly? > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 Im not making fun of it. You think I wanna > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20burn in Heck? > > > >>> > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 On Morning Differences: > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20Men and women are different in the morning. > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 The men wake up aroused in the morning. We > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 cant help it. We just wake up and we want you. > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20And the women are thinking, How can he want > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 me the way I look in the morning? > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20Its because we cant see you. We have no > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 blood anywhere near our optic nerve. > > > =>>> > >=20>=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20On Grandma: > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 My grandmother has a bumper sticker on > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 her car that says, Sexy Senior Citizen. > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20You don't want to think of your grandmother > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20Makes you wonder where she got that dollar > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 she gave you for your birthday. > > > >>> > => >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20On Prisons: > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 Did you know that it costs forty-thousand > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20for forty-thousand bucks a piece Ill take a few > > >=20 >>>          &= nbsp;=20 prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp; I=20already have bars on the windows. > > >=20 >>>          &= nbsp; I=20 don't think we should give free room and board > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20to criminals. I think they should have to run > > >=20 >>>          &= nbsp;=20 twelve hours a day on a treadmill and > > >=20 >>>          &= nbsp;=20 generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 they can rest in the chair that's hooked up > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20to the generator. > > > >>> > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;  =20On Award Shows: > > >=20 >>>          &= nbsp;=20Can you believe how many award shows they > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20have now? They have awards for commercials. > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20 The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp; =20I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20whole thing. > > > >>> > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20On Phone-In-Polls: > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 You know those shows where people call in and > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20vote on different issues? Did you ever notice > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 There's always like 18% that say I don't know. > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20Why they're voting I don't know. > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW! > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about. > > =>=20 >>>          &= nbsp;=20 This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20$2.95 to say Im not in the mood. > > > >>> > =>=20>=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 On Answering Machine: > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 messages on someone's answering machine? > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20is Share the love. Beep. > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... > > >=20>>>          &= nbsp;=20 Speaking of being positive, your > > >=20>>>          &=nbsp;=20test is back. Stop sharing the love. >> > > >=20>>