Treasure in My Life

Chapter 2- Pearls of Doubt

By Kuroi Tenshi Yuna

May 2003

Disclaimer: Tiara, Kagetsu, and all Shamanic Princess characters belong to Mitsuru Hongo, Atsuko Ishida, and Asami Watanabe, not me! 

Note: This is an Alternate Universe fanfic. I have altered all of the plot, relationships, and characters of Shamanic Princess to fit my story!

I looked down at the words of the humanities book in front of me. I pouted as I tried to read them, to understand them, to somehow remember them for my upcoming final, but I can’t. They blurred together into one incoherent blob of letters, so my thoughts wandered, taking on a form of their own…

It’s been two weeks since that day. That day that I… I…

I broke down. I still can’t believe that I let myself get so worked up over something so silly…

I shook my head in a desperate effort to shake off the memory of that day.

Anyways, now it’s almost the end of my first year in college, and I’ve been frantically struggling with tedious assignments, difficult readings, and memorizing countless flash cards. When I’m not studying, I’ve been cleaning my dorm room, reorganizing my messy chest of clothes, and packing for the move back to my dad’s house for the summer.

Basically, I’ve been doing anything and everything to keep myself busy, to distract myself, so that I wouldn’t think about him.

And it’s been working. I mean, come on, it’s not like I need him. If he doesn’t want to come and see me, why should I want to see him?

I don’t let myself think like that. I don’t like it when a person cares about another at a different level than that other person cares for them. Someone always gets hurt that way... and I’m sorry, but that’s just not for me.

I’ve seen more than enough of that already… I’ve seen too many people hurt by the ones they love.

Especially when the ones they love don’t love them back…

I’ve always vowed that I wouldn’t let that happen to me. Every time I watched someone cry tears of loss, of pain, of heartache, my resolution would only grow stronger.

Memories from the past flooded my mind… Leon, crying over the one girl that he loved ever since he was a child… My parents, who loved each other so much that they hated each other, getting divorced… And Kagetsu, coldly saying those last words to me at graduation…

There he was, waiting for me on a small hill overlooking the place where our graduation ceremony had just ended. He told me that he loved me… And I told him that I didn’t love him back.

A lonely tear fell down his face as he said softly, determinedly… coldly, “Goodbye, Tiara.”

He turned around and walked away from me, never looking back.

Suddenly, the winds grew stronger and blew my hair ferociously, making the ribbons holding up my pigtails fall to the ground. My loose golden hair flowed in the chaotic winds of change…

I could have called out to him. I could have run after him. But, I didn’t do anything.

All I did was stand there and watch him go.

A tear threatened to fall from my eyes. I scowled inwardly at myself and shook my head.

No more tears… I can’t cry anymore…

I can’t be weak anymore…

I won’t be.

Maybe that’s why I don’t let people get to me... or hurt me. I’ve fallen for guys before... although not many. I end up liking them a lot, but if I can tell that they are interested in someone else or that they just aren’t interested in me, I force myself to forget about them… to stop caring about them.

And it works.

It even worked with Graham, the one guy I thought I couldn’t learn how to forget…

So what it boils down to is if Kagetsu doesn’t care about me— whether as a friend or something more— I’m determined not to care about him.

Satisfied with that decision, I finally continued to read my humanities textbook. I can’t get distracted by personal issues so close to finals anyway. I’ll have more than enough time to deal with whatever drama comes my way during the summer. Although… I’m not going to let it get that far anyways. I don’t know what my feelings for Kagetsu are, but I’m going to make sure that they don’t get out of control…

Ack… I stuffed my face into the book. There I go again, thinking about him, when I said that I wouldn’t…

What’s wrong with me?

I sighed heavily and sat back up. I was just about to seriously read the textbook when my cell phone rang.

Argh! I pouted again as I picked up my phone. “Hello?”

“Tiara, it’s me, Kagetsu.”

A pain tightened in my chest. “Kagetsu? Oh… hi!”

“How have you been, Tiara?”

It felt so weird to hear his voice again… So weird… but kind of nice too.

“I’ve been good! But I’m like totally scared about finals though!” I laughed, hoping to come off as cheerful…

As happy.

Even though I knew I was far from it.

“Ah, that’s right; the school year is almost over for you. Are you excited about going home?”

Yes and no…

Yes, because of you.

No, because of you.

Kagetsu…

“Yup! I can’t wait to see everyone again!” And that’s true… I really want to see everyone from high school, like Lena and Leon. I want to see my mom and dad too. And of course… I want to see you.

“But,” I continued, “This year seriously flew by so fast!” My voice softened a little. “I’m kinda sad that my first year of college is already ending…”

“Yeah, that’s true. But, all things must come to an end.”

The severity in his voice caught me by surprise. That was pretty cold, Kagetsu…

But what else should I expect from you? You’ve always been more realistic, more cynical… just more cold, than everyone. I can’t expect you to comfort me with sweet, warm words of hopeful optimism.

I’d be naïve if I believed that.

And believe me, I’ve lost my naivety long ago…

“I guess so…” But…

What if I don’t want some things to end?

What if I wished with all my heart that some things from the past didn’t ever have to end?

Like you and me…

“Tiara…”

 

Hearing him say my name shook me from my reverie. “Oh, so, anyways, what’s up? How are you enjoying the beginning of your summer vacation? I totally envy you for getting done with finals like a month earlier than me! Did you call me to gloat, huh?” I grinned and hoped he would take the hint and let me change the subject.

He laughed. “I’m loving it, actually. No more all-nighters of studying, no more impossible midterms and finals, and no more fights with roommates. I get to sleep in for as many hours as I want, I get…”

My eyes narrowed as I softly punched the textbook in front of me. “You get to see Lena.”

He stopped in the middle of his sentence, surprised by the interruption.

“Oh whoops, that was pretty random!” I forced out a laugh once again. “I guess I just miss her, and I wish I could see her.”

Kagetsu’s deep voice softened. “Tiara… I know how you feel. I’ve missed her a lot too. But don’t worry, you’ll be able to see her soon. After all, that’s actually what I called to ask you about…”

He called me to talk about her… I should have known... “Aw, thanks, you’re right... Finals will be over in like a week, so I can totally go see her! So, what did you want to tell me?”

“You’ve heard about the concert for her music class, right? Lena is going to have a few important parts in several pieces of music and she even will have a big solo. She’s been practicing her flute diligently for the past month, since it means so much to her.”

“Actually, she hasn’t mentioned it to me yet.” Why wouldn’t she tell me about something that’s so important to her?

We used to tell each other everything… All the little things, like what movies we watched on TV that night, and all the big things, like what was secretly hurting us…

We were so close then… and aren’t we still now?

Doesn’t she still think of me as her best friend…?

“Oh? I guess it just didn’t come up. Well, I think that it would mean a lot to her if we surprised her by going to her concert. She doesn’t expect us to, and you know that she’s too shy to ask us to go. What do you think? Would you like to go?”

What do I think? I… I don’t know what to think about all this… “Of course I do!! When is it?”

“Next Thursday at 7:30 PM. If you want, I could drive over to your school and pick you up and take you to her school. I’ll get to your place at like 5:30?”

“Sure, that sounds great! I’m looking forward to it! Maybe we can embarrass her by taking pictures and stuff!”

He laughed. “That’s perfect!”

“Okay, thanks for calling me up and letting me know about all of this. I’ve got to go study some more now, so I’ll talk to you later!”

“All right, good luck with your finals! Leon and I will see you next Thursday!” With that, Kagetsu hung up the phone.

A sigh escaped my lips as I put down my phone. Wow, I’ve never heard Kagetsu so… cheerful? Light hearted? I guess he was like that because he was talking about her…

Maybe he’s changed from the cold guy I once knew.

It definitely looks like the person he holds close to his heart has changed…

I shook my head. Damn it… Stop thinking like that! Stop, stop, stop thinking about him!!

Well, I guess that’s going to be hard considering I have to see him in like a week.

Shit.

Exasperated, I pressed a hand to my throbbing forehead. Ouch, now I have a headache…

This is gonna be one long week.

~*~*~

So, somehow I got through a week of crazy cramming for finals. I pulled a couple of all-nighters, one for my ridiculously hard calculus final, which I failed miserably anyway, and another for my annoying music final, which wasn’t so bad except for the fact that I kept on mixing up the names of the different composers during the listening section. I just have two more finals to go, my humanities and biology finals. They aren’t until the next week though, since my college has finals that span over two weeks. Now that I think of it, my school has a really strange schedule, since the last semi-formal of the year takes place the weekend after all finals are over.

The semi-formal… Gosh, I really want to go to it…

Ah, whatever, I’ll think about that later. Right now, I just want to take a little break and relax before getting back into studying mode. This break of mind between tests was good timing too, because today is Thursday, the day of Lena’s concert. I’m eager to see her perform, because I haven’t seen her play the flute since… well, since high school, when I went to each and every one of her band performances. Fine, so maybe high school wasn’t that long ago, but for some reason, it feels like it was an eternity ago.

Maybe it’s because I feel like everything’s changing…

And maybe… it’s because a part of me doesn’t want things to change.

Oh well, the guys are going to be here soon. I’d better finish up the last of my makeup and get ready to get out of here. I checked myself in the bathroom mirror and applied a bit more of the pale pink lip gloss and smacked my lips together, smoothing it out. There, I think I’m done…

I had slipped into a cute, flirty, and short spaghetti-strapped yellow dress and yellow sandals that had straps that twined around my ankles. My usual golden pigtails were tied up with pale yellow ribbons to match the dress, and I put a yellow choker around my neck for a little extra flair.

I smiled at my reflection in the mirror. Yes, I know, I’m dressing to impress again… Or Maybe I’m trying to compete with Lena, I don’t know…

I frowned at that thought. I guess Lena and I have always had a little bit of a playful rivalry going on. Like when we were really young girls we’d compete to see who could climb trees faster or who had the prettier, more fashionable doll. Then later, during middle school, we’d joke about who would get a boyfriend first.

Hmm, that’s funny… I guess we still don’t know who’s won that one yet. Even though I’ve been on a bunch of dates before, I’ve never actually been serious about one person enough to actually become a girlfriend to someone. Likewise, even though she’s had thousands of admirers, Lena’s never had a boyfriend either.

I guess we’re both just waiting for that one really special someone…

There was a time that I thought that Graham was that someone…

But, that didn’t turn out quite that well… He lost interest in me, so of course I couldn’t stay interested in him, you know? So I kinda just stopped caring about him like that, I guess…

Well, anyways, whatever. That chapter of my life is over…

I let out a pensive sigh. Things were different back then, I guess.

Anyways, even in high school, I think we were rivals. Sometimes I’d envy her about something she accomplished, like making first chair flutist in the school band, while other times I think that she was jealous of something I did, like winning a pivotal tennis match for our team. We competed to see who got better grades in the classes that we shared together, even though usually she did.

I know that I definitely tried harder in everything I did because of her… I guess having a rival, someone who I strived to be better than, pushed me to my limits. I totally wouldn’t have tried so hard in my classes, or to become a star player in our tennis team, if I didn’t see Lena working hard at her studies and her music.

And even now… I guess I am trying to compete with her still, if even just a little…

I dunno what I’m trying to prove to myself, but somehow, competing with her makes sense.

I shrugged. Well, whatever, it’ll be nice to see her again. We talk and talk on the phone, but we haven’t seen each other in person since Spring Break.

And I haven’t seen the guys since… oh wow, graduation? Yeah, that’s right.

I wonder how much everyone’s changed…

“Tiara? Your friends are here to see you!” Mimi’s voice rang cheerfully from outside the door.

“Thanks Mimi! I’ll be right out!” I took in a deep breath, really nervous for some reason. I grabbed my purse and walked out of the door, almost bumping right into my roommate. “Ooops, sorry!”

“Aw, that’s okay.” She leaned in close to me and whispered in my ear, “Wow, you look gorgeous again, Tiara. Knock ‘em dead!” The brunette winked at me before going into our room.

Mimi… You’re so weird. I giggled and proceeded to the lounge outside of our dorm hall.

A strange feeling of… something indescribable rushed through me as I saw him. Kagetsu was leaning against the wall as nonchalantly as ever, his arms crossed over his chest coolly, apathetically. He was a bit more dressed up than usual with his dark jeans and a long sleeved deep maroon dress shirt, and I have to say that he looked really handsome and intense in that getup somehow… There was something about him that made me want to go up and hug him and mess up his dark black hair playfully…

Okay, that’s more than enough of that. I looked over at Leon, who was sitting on the comfortable, yet questionable couch that I bet more than half of our dorm building has either spilt alcohol on or have had sex on. The fact that cute little Leon was sitting on that said couch brought a goofy grin to my face. Then I got a good look at my old friend and noticed that he wasn’t quite so cute and little anymore… Clad in a cyan tee-shirt and khakis and with his nearly shoulder length brown hair that kept falling into his eyes, he looked like the definition of an attractive pretty boy.

Which isn’t really a bad thing at all…

Eep, okay, what is wrong with me?! I am soo not supposed to think of these guys like that. I knew them from high school, for heaven’s sake! The high school that Lena and I proclaimed was full of dumb jocks, geeks, and dorky guys that so weren’t cute… I mean, come on, I’m supposed to be looking out for hot, older guys in college…

I cringed inwardly as I walked over to greet them. “Uh, hey there you guys. Long time no see.” I smiled at them.

“Tiara, you look even prettier than before.” Leon got up from his seat and smiled sweetly as he hugged me tightly.

I was totally surprised. I’m not really used to people hugging me, especially not guys… “Aw, thanks, Leon. You look really great too.” I was a bit embarrassed, although I tried my best not to show it. I glanced over at Kagetsu, hoping that he’d be a little, I dunno… jealous? But there he was, looking as apathetic as ever.

Then again, I could never read what’s in his mysterious, deep brown eyes…

Leon let go of me and said, “It’s so nice to see you again. We have a lot of catching up to do, don’t we?”

I nodded. “Oh yea, definitely! But I guess we can talk about it up on the drive there, right? We don’t want to be late for Lena’s performance!”

“Yeah, good idea. Let’s go then!” Leon led the way.

Kagetsu finally came over to join us. “Hey,” he said calmly.

“Hey there.” For some reason, I found it harder to talk to him than it was talking to Leon… “Um, thanks for driving all the way down here to pick me up for tonight.”

“No problem. Lena really wants to see you, so of course I’d come down to get you.”

Ouch. Thanks a lot, Kagetsu. “Ah, of course.” I tried my best to smile, although inside his words stung a bit. Why do you have to be like that, Kagetsu? Is the only reason you wanted me to come was for Lena?

What happened to us?

We walked a bit until we got to Kagetsu’s car. Leon opened the shotgun door for me, saying, “Ladies first.”

“Ah, spoken like a true gentleman. And they say that chivalry is dead.” I grinned.

He laughed and shut the door behind me. “With a girl as pretty as you, there’d better not be any more gentlemen out there, because then I’d have some competition.” He smiled at me as he got in the back seat.

I giggled, trying not to blush. “You’re silly, Leon.”

“Are you two ready to go yet?” Kagetsu stated almost curtly. It almost sounded like he was a bit annoyed at us…

But why? It couldn’t be because of our little playful teasing, could it?

“Ah, yes, of course.” Leon said.

“Let’s go!” I tried to seem cheerful, although I was a bit confused. And besides… what was that comment that Leon made to me? It almost sounded like he was flirting with me? It couldn’t be though… right? I mean, all this time, he’s totally been in love with Lena.

 

Ack, I just don’t know what to think anymore… I guess I’ll just try to enjoy the night and see what happens.

Maybe I overanalyze things too much, examining every comment made, every look given, to see what feelings are really lying under the surface. Maybe I’m right, maybe I’m wrong, and maybe there’s totally nothing there and I’m just making stuff up.

Well, I am a girl, after all. It’s my job to overanalyze things, to find the little gazes that were held a little too long and the little comments that were a little too friendly.

I grinned inwardly.

“So, Tiara, how’s school been for you?” Leon was lounging across the middle of the backseat, and he was turned towards me. We were driving on the freeway to Lena’s school, with about two hours to spare before her concert.

I turned around to face him. “Well, I’ve… survived through classes.” I laughed.

He laughed. “Yeah, me too! Classes seem way harder in college than they ever were in high school.”

“Seriously! In high school, I could just cram last minute for a test and learn enough material to pull off an A or at least a B. But now, all-nighters of studying for tests don’t do jack! It’s like, we have to study ahead of time or somethin’!” I made a face of disgust.

“I know, isn’t that so wrong?”

I giggled. “Totally wrong.”

“So, have you declared a major yet, Tiara?”

“Well, right now I’m a Bio major, but I took this Bio class, and I totally don’t like it. It just seems so boring to me to be learning about the insides of organisms and stuff like that. Not to mention it’s just gross to think about things like that.”

Leon laughed. “Yeah, somehow Bio doesn’t really seem to suit you. Are you thinking about changing it?”

I nodded. “Yup. I was thinking I could try some kinda Lit major, since somehow I can pull off pretty good essays, and since I like analyzing pieces of writing. And besides, if I’m a Lit major, maybe somewhere along the way I could do some fiction writing, which I totally love!” I smiled just thinking about it.

“Hey, that sounds really great. You should definitely pursue that. Then maybe someday we’ll see you in a University someday teaching Lit classes to poor first years.” He grinned mockingly.

“Ew!!! I don’t want to be a professor! No offense, but that’s just disturbing!”

We both started laughing. “Aw, well then maybe someday you’ll be a popular writer… of cheesy, scandalous romance novels,” Leon joked.

I gasped in mock surprise. “How did you know about that little guilty pleasure of mine, Leon? Uh, I mean… of course not!” I winked at him.

He laughed.

“So, Leon, what about you? You in a major or anythin’ right now?”

“Well, I’m majoring in electrical engineering. I actually had an internship at this electronics company for a while, and it was pretty nice.”

My mouth gaped open in surprise. “Wha? Are you serious? Wow, that’s crazy!”

He smiled at me. “Yeah, I know engineering’s tough and all, but somehow, that stuff just clicks with me. I guess I’m more of a hands-on kind of guy.”

I laughed. “Well, that’s great then, that at least you’ve found something you like.”

He nodded. “Yeah, it’s definitely a relief. Although I know we have a lot of time before we graduate, it’s just nice knowing what field I probably want to seriously go into one day.”

“Yeah, that’s so true.” During this whole time, Kagetsu hadn’t said a word. I felt bad for him, so I asked, “What about you, Kagetsu? Do you have a major yet?”

“Yeah. I’m a history major.” He glanced quickly over at me and then turned back to watching the road.

“Ah. Do you like it?” I said, trying to get him to open up more.

“Yeah, I do.”

Okay… That’s it? “That’s good then.” Not knowing what else to say, I continued my conversation with Leon. “So, what about the party scene, eh, Leon?”

“Party scene? Um, well, I’m not really into that too much…” He laughed nervously.

“Uh huh. Suuure ya’re not…” I grinned at him mischievously. “Come on, I bet you’re the one who parties and gets mad drunk every weekend, right?”

He shook his head frantically. “Of course not! I uh… just party kinda hard, maybe… every two weeks? Heh heh…”

I grinned. “I knew it!”

He blushed a bit. “Hey, but you haven’t see Kagetsu! Now he doesn’t party that often, but when he does get drunk, he’s so crazy!”

I laughed. “Oh, really, Kagetsu?”

The young man just said, “Yeah, I guess I have been known to get a little bit out of hand at parties sometime.”

“Come on, tell her about the time when you and I and our whole floor were playing that drinking game as we were watching cheesy reality shows, and then you started reenacting… what was it? ‘Hamlet’ or somethin’? It was hilarious!” Leon grinned goofily.

“Ah, that’s all right… Maybe next time,” Kagetsu said.

“Oh, okay.”

Well, there goes that whole opening up idea. What’s his problem, anyway? I’m his friend, aren’t I? I resisted the urge to sigh.

“Your turn, Tiara. How often do you go out and party?”

I blinked. “Um… Not that often. Maybe… three times a month?” It was my turn to laugh nervously.

Leon chuckled. “Oh, so that’s the kind of girl you turned into, eh?”

“Huh? Me? Why, I’m just an innocent angel.” I made my cutest puppy dog eyes.

The young man laughed. “Uh huh. More like a dark angel...” He grinned.

“Well… I guess you’re just gonna have to find out which one I really am for yourself.” I winked at him playfully.

“I guess I have the whole summer to do that, now do I?”

We laughed. The rest of the drive was like that, with Leon and me talking, chatting about college, about high school, and about just pop culture and random things like that. It was really nice to talk to him again, but… Kagetsu totally wasn’t into our conversation. He barely said anything, and when he did talk, it was just to confirm something that was already said or to make his one word replies to our questions.

I don’t know why he was being like that. I mean, I know that he’s a quiet guy, but when he’s with his friends, he talks. He has a lot of fun, just like everyone else. So I really don’t know why he was being so difficult like that…

Has he changed that much? But then, according to what Lena has told me about him…

Well, she says that he actually opens up to her. That he actually tries to get to know her, and that he lets her get to know him.

Why is he like that with Lena, but not with me?

And besides… what happened to our friendship? We used to be so close, and now he doesn’t even talk to me!

He talked to me a bit on the phone, but… why is he being so cold now when we’re face to face?

I really hate change…

“Here we are.” Kagetsu parked the car next to school’s main theater.

“All right, let’s go!” I was about to open my car door when Leon opened it for me.

“After you,” he said sweetly.

“Oh, thanks, Leon.” Why can’t Kagetsu be as sweet and just as friendly as Leon?

And more importantly… why do I even care?

I slapped myself mentally. Come on, girl, why do you care so much if Kagetsu and you are close anymore?

Maybe I’m just pissed that he’s nearly ignoring me.

Yeah, that’s it… It’s just a matter of my stubborn pride.

Pleased with that explanation, I walked with the guys into the theater. We took our seats in the middle of a row that was pretty close to the stage, and waited a bit nervously.

Okay, so maybe the two of them were just waiting with anticipation to see her. I was the one who was nervous as I was sitting in between these two guys… So close to them that I could smell hints of their sweet cologne. So close that I could hear their breathing. So close that I could feel their hearts beating.

And somehow, being this close to them is making me nervous…

Gosh, I sound like some dorky schoolgirl with a crush. What is wrong with me?

“Yay, it’s starting,” Leon said as the lights in the room went off and a bright light illuminated the stage.

I guess the concert was starting with the solos, since the first person up was an attractive young man playing a very nice, sultry jazz tune on his alto sax. There were a few more after him, and finally, it was Lena’s turn.

She walked onto the stage gracefully, confidently, a silver flute in her petite hands and a calm, sweet smile on her face. I swear that my mouth gaped open when I saw her.

She was beautiful.

Don’t get me wrong, Lena’s definitely a really pretty girl. I mean, come on, practically half of our senior class would throw themselves onto a puddle so she could walk all over them in a heart beat. Guys showered her with love letters, flowers, and sweet words… and I’m not even talkin’ about only Valentine’s Day here. I’ve always been jealous of her for that… I know guys liked me too, but there was something about me that scared them off, that made me seem unapproachable…

Or, at least that’s what I tell myself.

But Lena was just so sweet, smart, friendly, and gentle, so the guys totally flocked to her.

She was perfect.

But even so… All of that jealousy I felt towards her in high school…

Multiply it by 10,000, and that’s what I’m feeling right now.

I can’t really explain it… She was truly shining on the stage, like a brilliant star. First off, her dress was amazing… and she looked amazing in it. She was wearing a pearl white evening gown that was slim, slinky, and sexy… It had a short sleeves and a simple deep v-neck cut that bared her shoulders. The skirt was long, nearly reaching the floor, and it was accented with a flirtatious cut up the left side, teasing the onlooker with a view of her long legs. The dress sparkled in the light, giving her a magical glow. Her long, deep green hair was down, as usual, giving her a maiden-like beauty. The only accessories she wore were her glittery white dress sandals and a single shining pearl that adorned a silver chain around her neck.

She said softly, “Thank you, everyone. The piece that I am about to perform is titled ‘The Promise of Forever,’ a composition that I wrote myself while enrolled in this wonderful class, Music 104, taught by the brilliant Mr. LePerle. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I enjoy playing it.” With that graceful, modest introduction, Lena placed her lips on her flute and began to play.

Now I was completely enchanted.

Her song was absolutely breathtaking. The sweet sounds of her flute soothed my soul, sparked my imagination, and warmed my heart. Her song was a song of dreams, of longing, of love…

Dressed in a slim dress, her long green hair resting on her shoulders, a pearl adorning her chest, and playing a sweet, melancholy melody on her flute…

She was like a beautiful mermaid, playing a song that was meant for the stars.

I sighed softly under my breath. I suddenly remembered where I was, and I looked at my right to glance at Leon. His lips were curved in a dreamy smile and his soft eyes were filled with warmth and awe. Could he still have feelings for her, like he did in high school? It definitely seems like it…

I whispered to him, “She’s amazing.”

He looked at me and smiled, “Yes, she is.”

I nodded smiling, “I’m glad I came.”

“Yeah, me too. It’s great that you came to see her on such an important day.” He reached out and put his hand on top of mine, squeezing it gently.

Wh… what? I was glad for the darkness of the theater compared to the stage. I don’t think Leon could see that his action made my cheeks redden just slightly…

I nervously turned to my other side, trying to distract myself from the fact that Leon was close to holding my hand. But, I was surprised by what I saw…

Kagetsu was staring intently at Lena, moved by every note she played, by every move she made. He was lost in a trance, captivated by her musical spell… He had a sweet, tender smile on his face… a smile that reached his deep brown eyes, a smile that was genuine and real and…

And…

I turned abruptly away from him.

I felt that oh-so-familiar twinge of jealousy surge through me.

If the way he was looking at her doesn’t prove that he likes her, I don’t know what will.

I mean, after all… He used to look at me like that….

Even though at the time, I didn’t want anything to do with that…

Even though at the time, I didn’t even know that he liked me…

I bit my lip nervously, anxiously. I guess I have to just accept it… don’t I? Kagetsu and Lena would be so happy together…

Lena finished her song and bowed her head to the audience, beaming with pride as everyone clapped loudly, enthusiastically for her. Lena suddenly spotted us and waved shyly, her cheeks warming with embarrassment.

I smiled. Aw, that is so Lena for you.

She’s so happy right now… This moment totally just reflects the peaceful happiness that’s she’s been feeling for the past few months or so. Things are just going right for her. Lena’s been doing really well with her classes, pulling off a really good GPA for her first year of college so far. She’s obviously doing great with her flute playing, and she’s only going to get even better and better at it. She seems to have made a nice, fun group of friends at her school, since she tells me about them all the time. Even so, she definitely hasn’t lost touch with Leon and me, and especially not with Kagetsu, who she keeps on getting closer and closer to…

She’s just so happy… And I’m happy for her.

I snapped out of my reverie and noticed that Lena’s attention was focused on one person… I followed her stare to find that she was gazing at none other than Kagetsu… and that he was gazing right back at her.

My fingers tightened their grip on my armrest.

Okay, so maybe it’s going to be harder to be completely happy for her than I thought.

I stole another glance at Kagetsu… There was a glimmer of… something… in the deep, mysterious seas of his eyes…

My heart tightened a bit in my chest.

Okay… maybe it’s going to be a lot harder…

~*~*~

After the rest of the night’s concert, we met up with Lena. She hugged me tightly when she saw me, exclaiming, “Tiara! It’s been such a long time!”

“I know! Aren’t you just so surprised to see me?” I grinned at my old friend.

She giggled, “Of course I am! Especially considering someone still has finals to study for…” She teased.

I laughed nervously. “Oh yeah… I guess I should be doing that, huh? But there was no way I’d miss this.”

“Aw, you’re such a sweetheart,” Lena put her arms around me and hugged me again.

I giggled.

Leon chuckled, “Are you girls gonna stop smothering each other so we can get going?”

Kagetsu, Lena, and I laughed. “Okay, we can talk in the car, Lena, but I think Leon misses his Mommy and wants to go home.”

The young man pouted. “Hey!!”

I stuck my tongue out at him playfully.

Leon glared at me.

We all laughed and got into the car, Lena and me in the backseat. We smiled at each other and just talked and talked, catching up the way only old girlfriends can. Even though I haven’t seen her in months, I still feel so comfortable with her. It’s almost like we never parted ways a little less than a year ago when we went to our own colleges, to start our own lives. And yet… even though we’re still really close, there was one thing that pushed me a little further from her, that separated my heart just a little bit from hers with an invisible wall… it was the one thing that was left unsaid between us…

But maybe we couldn’t really talk about that since he was kind of in the car with us…

“You were really great tonight Lena!” I complemented her again. “You thinking of majoring in music or something?”

Lena blushed slightly, embarrassed for the like the millionth time that night. “Thanks, Tiara. I would love to pursue a career in music, but I’m not sure if I have what it takes. It’s a really competitive world out there…”

“But I know you could do it,” I interrupted.

She looked a bit taken aback by my seriousness. “I… I just don’t know…”

I refused to give up. “I mean, if you think you’d be happy as a flutist someday, I say go for it. All you have to do is get your degree in music, then you can get into a music school and from there, you’re set!”

She looked away for a moment, glancing out the car window and into the empty night sky pensively. “Maybe…”

I couldn’t help but feel worried. This so isn’t like her. She’s always followed her heart before anything else. She has always stuck by what she’s believed in and never was one to let other people tell her that what to believe, what to feel, what to do.

I’ve always admired her for following her heart… Lots of times, I find myself running from mine…

“You can’t just give up on it Lena! Can you see yourself being happy doing anything else? I saw that look in your eyes when you were up on that stage. That’s all I needed to see to know…”

“Tiara, please, can we not talk about this anymore?” Lena still wasn’t looking at me, but her voice grew softer, quieter.  

“I can’t stop, Lena. I hate seeing you like this!” I blurted out.

She suddenly turned back to me, her brown eyes pleading… sad. “Please.”

That look surprised me. It took me a few seconds before I slowly nodded okay. For the next few moments… or maybe for the next few centuries… there was a still silence in the car. During my talk with Lena, I had forgotten that the guys could hear every word that we said. Maybe I went a little overboard? I don’t know… I was just trying to help…

What’s so wrong with wanting the best for my friend?

“We’re here,” Leon said softly. We had gotten to his house, so he started to get up and leave. He got looked back at us girls in the backseat and smiled. “Good night you two, take care until I see you again.” We said our goodbyes and then he waved, calling out to Kagetsu, “Thanks for the ride, I’ll see you later.”

We continued the drive until we reached Lena’s place. She gave me a soft smile, “It was really nice seeing you again, Tiara. I’ll call you later, and I will see you during the summer, okay?”

I smiled back at her. “Sounds good to me. It was great seeing you too.”

Before she left, she leaned over and whispered in my ear, “And about what we discussed earlier… I’m not like you, Tiara. I actually have my doubts.”

What? Lena…

She smiled weakly at me and I saw it once again… I saw the sadness there in those brown eyes.

Kagetsu opened the door for her and he walked her to her home, leaving me alone with my thoughts and a sudden wave of jealousy. I almost wished that I could hear what he was saying to her…

I shook my head. Come on girl, don’t be like that! You sound silly!

He came back and started the ignition. After maybe five minutes or so of driving he said, “You could have been less stubborn before.”

I blinked. “About Lena?”

“Yeah…” He pulled onto my driveway and stopped the car, but made no motion of getting out yet. He turned to look at me. “Of course she wants to be a flutist, but she has a sense of realistic practicality… Unlike someone I know…”

“What was that?” I was getting kind of annoyed at him. Why was this any of his business anyway?

“I’m just saying that Lena knows her own strengths and potential best.”

“Well I’m just saying that I think that Lena’s is letting herself get scared out of doing her best and living her dream. I know it will be hard, but all she has to do is work even harder and she has it!”

He sighed. “Life isn’t that black and white, Tiara. Just because you want something bad enough, sometimes you just don’t get it.”

I stopped myself from rolling my eyes. “You believe that? Tell me one time when that has happened to you.”

His voice grew quieter, but not softer… It sounded harsh, cold even. “I wanted you, didn’t I?”

That stunned me. I felt like the world stopped moving at that moment… And just when it stopped, I felt like I was hurled forward just like when someone is driving too fast and they suddenly stop, making the passengers lunge forward in their seats.

He turned away, embarrassed or angry, I couldn’t tell which. “You’re still the same naïve, headstrong girl you were a year ago. You can’t see that reality isn’t something that you can always control, that you can always shape. You never change…”

My eyes narrowed. “And is that a bad thing? I might not be as ‘realistic’ as you, but at least I’m not so jaded that I give up whenever there is a bump in the road! At least I still believe in my friends!”

“I do believe in her. But…” He paused for a moment, collecting himself, before continuing, “There’s a lot that you don’t know, that you don’t understand…”

“What are you talking about? Did something happen…” My voice started to trail off.

“Never mind that. Just, don’t push her too hard on the matter, okay?”

I don’t understand… Why was he making me out to be the enemy here? “… Okay.”

“Thanks.”

We sat for a few minutes in silence, and then I said, “I’d better go now…”

“Okay, let me walk you to your door.”

We walked in silence, and then I murmured a good night to him, not looking up at him, not meeting his face. Just as I put the key in my door, he put his hand on mine.

My heart skipped a beat. “Kagetsu?”

“… Um… It was nice to see you again, Tiara.”

I smiled but didn’t turn around. I was afraid of what he would see in my eyes… “You too. But I’m tired, so I’m just gonna get some sleep.”

“Good night then.”

I waited until I heard his footsteps leave the porch and walk down the driveway. I opened the door and walked into my dad’s house, not bothering to turn on the light. I shut it behind me and sunk down to the chilly tiled floor, confused and tired…

I leaned back against the door. What does he mean when he said that I didn’t change? Should I have changed? How dare he call me naïve! Just because I’m an optimistic person, doesn’t mean that I’m a naïve little girl… I think realistically sometimes, I do! Just because I’m not as negative and pessimistic and jaded and just cold like him, doesn’t mean that I’m naïve and silly and stupid…

Is that what he really thinks of me? Is that what he’s thought of me all along?

Ack, this is making my head hurt… I’m just jumping from incoherent thought to incoherent thought… But there was one thing that really nagged me about my conversation with him… Maybe it’s something that I’ve always been thinking, but it took me this night with my old friends to realize it…

Why haven’t I changed?

Why does it seem like everyone else is moving on… past our old lives in high school together and right into a brighter and better future? First there’s Leon being so serious and determined about his major, like with that internship he had. Then there’s Lena “realistically” deciding to put her dream of becoming a musician on the shelf to instead pursue some major she might not even like. There’s also the fact that Lena has talked to me so much about all these new friends and people that she’s met, while honestly, the only real new friends that I’ve made are my three girlfriends at school…

And of course, there’s Kagetsu moving on from loving me to loving Lena…

I drew in a deep breath and wiped my tears with the back of my hand.

Funny, I didn’t even know I was crying.

Why do I feel like everyone else is leaving me behind? Why do I feel like everyone is running 10 steps ahead, while I’m falling 50 steps behind?

Lena… I do have my doubts.

I doubt what I want to do with my life. I doubt what I want to do for my future career, and I even doubt what to pick as my major right now. I doubt what my feelings are for Kagetsu now that I’ve been a year apart from him. I doubt my relationship with you, and wonder why I am always so jealous of you.

And most of all, I doubt myself. I don’t know if there might be a little truth to Kagetsu’s accusations of me being too naïve or too stubborn or too “black and white”… But somehow…

I think I’m starting to believe him.

Shaking my head, I made my way up to my room in the dark, wanting nothing more than a good night’s sleep to silence all these confusing thoughts in my head.

~To be continued…~

Author’s Note: Sorry I haven’t updated this story in a while! Yesh, I’m pretty bad with my fic writing. >.< I’ll try to be better! Maybe after I’m done with classes this year… Well, I hope y’all liked it! Stay tuned for when I continue it, because this is gonna get a lot more soap-operay than it is now! =P