Perfection

by Umi

May 2000

Disclaimer: Matt, Tai, and all Digimon characters belong to Toei, not me. I'm not making any money outta this.


All my life I've tried to be perfect. I had to be. I had to be strong and understanding when my parents split up. I couldn't be like a normal kid, one who would have cried and yelled at his parents for the divorce, claiming that "if you two loved me you wouldn't break up!". No, I couldn't do that. I had to let my parents do what they wished. I couldn't cry out, at least, not unless I was alone. I had to be perfect.

After that, I had to protect my brother. I've had to look over him, giving him the love and the care that he needed, since he didn't have two parents to love him, at least, not like they should have. Oh, I know my parents love him, and me, but they couldn't be there for him together. Instead, I was the one who took care of him. I had to be perfect.

But, I know that I'm not perfect. I've strived to be perfect, letting myself be the peacemaker, the glue of the family. I've strived to be strong during the separation, strong enough to not worry my parents or my brother. I've had to grow up, I've forced myself to. I couldn't act like a kid. 

Most of all, I couldn't show any emotion. I couldn't let my parents see how much it hurt when they broke up, how much I blame myself for their separation. I couldn't let my little T.K. see how I care so much for him, so much that I've tried to be the best brother he could have. I couldn't let anyone see me during those nights, those nights when I just cried in my room by myself for hours, quietly enough so that no one would hear me. I couldn't let anyone see how weak I really was.

I couldn't let anyone see how I'm not perfect.

And then, we were taken to the Digiworld. I knew that it was up to me to protect my brother from all the new threats we were about to face. I knew that I couldn't be scared, that I needed to be courageous, for him. Or at least, I needed to hide my fear.

But, then there's Tai. I finally found perfection. Tai is Mr. Perfect. He's our courageous leader, the one who everyone counts on, the one who protects everyone, the one who keeps our group together. 

Basically, Tai is exactly what I tried so hard to be.

He leads our group so easily. He never really seems to be struggling, and no one ever doubts him, or questions him. They all follow him blindly, knowing that whatever happens, they can believe in him.

Everyone but me.

Tai is also the glue of the group. Without him, we'd all break apart, just like we did when he left the Digiworld and went back home. He keeps the kids together, just like I wanted to keep my family together.

And whereas I failed, he succeeded.

Tai protects everyone, especially my brother. In fact, he's a much better brother to T.K. than me. He somehow knows how to protect T.K. enough to show him that he cares, but also how to let T.K. do things on his own so that he will have faith in himself. 

And so, what am I now? If I'm not perfect, if I can't do all that I want to, I need to, for not only my family, but my friends, what is my purpose now? How can I be perfect, when there is already perfection?

The worst part is, I can't just make myself hate Tai, not like I wish I could. Then, I could focus all of my anger, my frustration, on him. And then, maybe I could be perfect.

But I can't hate Tai. 

Actually, the real worst part is, not only can I not hate him, but, he's my best friend.

How can you stand being best friends with perfection?

How can you spend every day admiring him while envying him, knowing that he is better than you in every way, that he is everything that you want to be?

Sometimes, I think that everything comes so easily to Tai. He's just naturally talented, naturally caring, naturally perfect.

But, deep down, I know he tries. He struggles, just like the rest of us. Just like me.

Maybe he's human after all.

It just doesn't seem like he is. 

But, if Tai is so perfect, why would he be best friends with someone like me? Someone who tries so hard to be perfect, but fails so miserably? 

Maybe that means I'm not perfect, but at least I'm special too. 

I turn to look at Tai, who's lying on the grass, looking up at the sky. He notices me and smiles.

Yeah, maybe I am...

I return his smile.

-Owari-