One Last Regret

by Umi

November 2001

Disclaimer: Umi, Clef, and all Magic Knight Rayearth characters belong to CLAMP, not me! I'm not makin' any money out of this!

Note: This story is set right after the end of the second Magic Knight Rayearth season, so it contains slight spoilers about what happened during the series. This fic is based on the events of the anime, not the manga! Please read with caution!


The powerful waves softly caress the beach's shores. The bright, golden sand is a direct contrast, and complement, to the water's dark, magnificent shades of blue and green.

It's so... beautiful.

It's so... romantic.

When I see the ocean, I fantasize about moonlit walks on the beach, holding hands with the one you love, melting into their gaze...

A soft sigh escapes my lips.

It's so... sad.

Watching the stars glistening in the night sky, watching how the dark waters reflect the beautiful light from the moon...

It makes me so sad.

Sad that I don't have anyone. Sad that I don't have love. Sad that all I have are broken dreams....

I just feel so... alone.

In the corner of my eye, I spot a couple sitting on the beach. The young man's arms are wrapped around the young woman in a protective, comforting, and incredibly sweet embrace. The stars in their eyes are as beautiful as the ones in the night sky. They are completely, utterly lost in the moment, so much that if the dark waves came and swept them away...

They wouldn't care.

Why can't I have that?

Why can't I be happy?

Even if for just one moment....

But, I was foolish. I was so, so foolish. I had a chance of love, of happiness, but I let it slip away...

Back when we defeated Debonair and were about to go home, I had the chance to tell Clef how I feel...

I was so close. I kept telling myself that I wouldn't leave Cephiro without telling Clef my true feelings. I kept telling myself that I would tell him in that moment...

But, I hesitated.

I hesitated, and I decided not to.

That was the biggest mistake of my life...

That was the biggest regret of my life...

And, even after many years have passed, and I go on with my life...

It'll probably still be my biggest regret.

I wrap my arms around myself, shivering slightly from the cold air... and trying to pull myself together...

I have to be calm...

Like the ocean...

That's what I try to be. I try to be this calm, soothing support for Hikaru and Fuu, for my family. I try to be strong, like the waves crashing along the beach's shores, not violently, but forcefully.

But, I can't be that strong or calm all the time...

Especially not right now.

Right now, I feel like the ocean during the midst of a huge storm. A frighteningly violent storm, one in which the waves rock back and forth erratically, frantically, even... As if the water itself is confused, searching for some sort of order in all the chaos...

During such times of chaos, the water in the ocean is too powerful that it becomes destructive... It's too powerful that it goes out of control...

That's what my emotions feel like right now.

Instead of the fire of Hikaru's love that burns brightly, constantly, for Lantis...

Instead of the wind of Fuu's love that flows softly, sweetly, gently, for Ferio...

My feelings for Clef are like water...

The ever changing, enigmatic, mysterious, and beautiful... water...

The water of my love that at times remains calm and hidden, unnoticeable, like the still lakes...

The water of my love that at times rages painfully out of control, like a chaotic storm...

The water of my love that, at all times, is always powerful, deep, and pure...

The water of my love for Clef.

And right now... I'm drowning in that water... in that love.

My knees suddenly feel weak and I sink slowly to the ground, letting myself sit on the soft sand.

It hurts to love him.

So much...

The worst part is that he doesn't even know how I feel.

He'll never know that I love him...

I wasn't brave enough to tell him then. I wasn't brave enough to tell him ever. Hikaru was able to do it. She told Lantis how she felt, even at the risk that he might not return her feelings, even at the risk that he might break her heart...

Why couldn't I do that?

Maybe because I'm not like Hikaru. I'm not as brave as her. She was always the one who told Fuu and I about how we should strive to live life to its fullest, to live life in a way that you will have done everything you have ever wanted, that you have experienced everything you have ever dreamed...

To live life in a way that you will have no regrets.

Well, I couldn't do that.

Why? Why didn't I just tell him? What did I have to lose?

My heart.

A tear slides down my cheek.

I guess I've always been too naive. Even though Hikaru and Fuu tell me that they admire me because I'm mature and sophisticated, that's not really me. I may act like that sometimes, but that's because that's how I was raised -- to be a responsible, lady-like young woman.

But, inside, I think I'm a younger, more immature person than they are.

I've always dreamed about meeting this perfect guy. He wouldn't be perfect as in flawless, because I think quirks in character are adorable, but he'd be perfect to me. We'd share this common bond, whether through circumstance, as in we went through sometime wonderful or terrible or both together, or whether we'd have everything in common that we were soul mates.

We'd understand each other.

We'd fall in love, learning to accept each other for our faults, for our strengths, for who we are.

And then, we'd be together forever.

It was as simple as that.

I'd find one guy to love, and he'd love me back, and we'd eventually get married and we'd have this beautiful wedding, and we'd raise a family together...

And he'd be the one for me.

That was my dream...

So maybe that's why I couldn't bring myself to tell Clef how I feel about him... I kept imagining Clef to be that perfect guy...

I mean, we shared so much together, going through what we did in Cephiro. He was always there, supporting me, not by fighting alongside me, but by being this wonderful, caring, strong person who I could rely on, who I could admire and want to become his equal. And I was there for him, trying my best to be comforting and always cheerful so that he wouldn't be hurt as much from the guilt of losing Princess Emeraude.

Maybe I believed it so much... I believed that I could have this dream romance, this dream love, this dream life, with Clef...

I believed it so much that I couldn't risk seeing it crumble right in front of my eyes.

I couldn't try to find out if he loved me back, because if he didn't...

My whole world would shatter.

I'd have nothing left.

My dreams, my hope, my love...

My heart...

All broken.

So, I couldn't tell him. Instead, I waited. I waited foolishly, hoping that he'd say something to me, that he'd confess that he loves me as much as I love him...

But, I waited too long.

Too long that all those things got shattered anyway, leaving me with a broken heart...

I know now that you can't wait and expect good things to happen to you.

You can't wait for your dreams to come true.

I just wish that I had realized this sooner...

I wish that I had seized the day, that I had lived for the moment, for the present, and just let all my doubts go and just told him...

Because I can never have that moment back.

I lost my chance... forever.

I'll probably never see him again.

I'll never know if he felt the same.

I gaze down into a puddle that formed next to me. I can see my reflection... I see thin lips curved into a frown... I see shaking shoulders... I see blue eyes, glittering with tears...

I see a girl who is drowning in her sorrow.

I don't want to be that girl.

Images of Hikaru with a bright smile on her face, her crimson eyes sparkling with joy, enter my mind. Images of Fuu smiling softly, her eyes shut and her hands clasped in a cute, maiden-like pose, joins the ones of Hikaru.

I can't let myself give up.

I can't let myself stop dreaming about my fantasies. I can't let myself stop hoping for a brighter tomorrow.

I can't let myself stop loving.

I can't let myself close off my heart.

I stand up, shaking the sand from my pleated blue skirt.

If there's one thing that I've always liked about myself, no matter how much I'm doubting myself, no matter how envious I am of Hikaru and Fuu...

It's that I've always worn my heart on my sleeve.

I've always been in touch with my feelings, letting them consume me, letting them overwhelm me.

But most of all...

Letting them embrace me.

Embrace me like gentle waves that flow around you when you are swimming in soft waters. The feeling you get when you're in those waters, the feeling of being free...

I've always felt things so strongly, so passionately.

That's why it hurts so much sometimes, like being frozen by ice water.

That's why it tears me apart sometimes, like being caught in a violent storm.

And that's why it makes me so happy sometimes, like being caressed by soft, gentle waves on a nice spring day.

After all, that's who I am.

I feel things, and that's why my emotions change so much. That's why I'm on this emotional roller coaster, feeling calm one minute and chaotic the next.

That's why I love who I am.

I wipe the tears from my eyes.

An image of Clef smiling softly at me that night I came to talk to him, wanting comfort, wanting just to see him...

"Clef..."

A whisper towards the ocean.

"I love you..."

Taking one look back at the ocean, I start walking back to my aunt's house where I'm staying at.

Even though I miss Clef so much, even though I want to be with him, even though I wish so desperately that I told him how I feel... I know I'm going to move on with my life. I'm going to let him go.

I know I'm going to fall in love again, and I'm going to dream again.

Besides... I'm just glad that I met Clef.

I'll never forget him... He was my first love...

I'm glad that I found someone to love, someone who was a dream come true to me... Even though I never was with him...

I think that loving him might have been enough.

Brushing back a few strands of blue hair behind my ear, I smile for the first time since I set foot on the beach.

From here on, I'm going to live my life like Hikaru always told me.

I'm going to make my dreams come true.

I'm going to make my own happiness.

And, most of all...

I'm going to make sure that not telling Clef that I love him...

Is now, and will forever be...

My one last regret.

~*~*~

"Everybody's got something
They had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday
That just seems to grow with time
There's no use looking back, oh wondering
How it could be now, oh might have been
Oh this I know, but still I can't find ways to let you go

I never had a dream come true
'Til the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you

Somewhere in my memory
I've lost all sense of time
And tomorrow can never be
'Cause yesterday is all that fills my mind
There's no use looking back, oh wondering
How it should be now, oh might have been
Oh this I know, but still I can't find ways to let you go

I never had a dream come true
'Til the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be

You'll always be the dream that fills my head
Yes you will, say you will, you know you will oh baby
You'll always be the one I know I'll never forget
There's no use looking back, oh wondering
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try
I just can't say goodbye, no no no no

I never had a dream come true
'Til the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be
A part of me will always be with you"
-S Club 7, "Never Had a Dream Come True"

~*~*~

~Owari~