Jaded

by Umi

February 2001

Disclaimer: Sakuya and all Kaikan Phrase characters belong to someone else, not me. I'm not makin' any money outta this! 

Note: The song in this fic is "Midnight Crow" by Lucifer, the band that is based on the anime Kaikan Phrase. This song was also played in the anime! 


Why do people wish for things? Why do people dream? Why do people hope?

Hn. They're all a bunch of damn naive fools.

What has hope ever done for them anyway?

It only brings one thing...

Disappointment.

Why the hell should we bother?

What's the point in believing in something...

That you know will never come true?

It's not worth it.

Believing in something, devoting yourself to something, dreaming of something.

They're not worth a fucking thing.

Just look at Santa, Yuki, Atsuro, and Towa. They believe so strongly in their band, Lucifer. They put all of their damn naive hopes into becoming a success with it. They devote their lives to it.

They should know that they're only believing in a pipe dream. 

A damn pipe dream that won't last.

The more you dream about something, the more you want something to happen...

The more it hurts when it doesn't.

The closer you get to the dream, the more it hurts when you fall back down.

After all, why do you think the stars are so high up in the sky? 

Why do you think no one's ever touched them?

Some things are just meant to stay the same.

People are just meant to stay where they are, to follow the same monotony of life day in and day out. People are punished for dreaming, for thinking that they can become more than what they were meant for.

That's why people's dreams never come true.

So, that's what happens when you believe in something. That's what happens when you care so much about things, like Santa, Yuki, Atsuro, and Towa do.

It hurts when you feel so strongly about things. Every little stupid problem becomes a dramatic catastrophe for them, just like how they think that my not joining their band is the end of the world.

Well, I have news for you guys.

It's not the end of the world.

The world isn't nice enough to just end like that.

Instead, we have to keep on living our miserable lives. We have to keep on holding onto whatever we have in order to merely survive.

So, Santa, Yuki, Atsuro, Towa... What's the point of feeling so strongly about your band?

What's the point of feeling anything?

Why should we care about anything if, in the end, it only brings us pain?

I shake my head. Well, there's no use in thinking about all this. There's no point in worrying about what'll happen to those guys. Why do I care anyways? I should just let them be obsessed with their fantasy, if that's what they want. 

I'm tired of thinking about this.

I'm just so tired.

I'm tired of everything.

I stand up from where I was sitting on my bed. I think a nice, cold shower would feel good right about now.

I walk towards the bathroom but my foot bumps into something. I look down. It's the MD of Santa, Yuki, Atsuro, and Towa's songs. I must have just left it on the floor.

Hmm, maybe I might as well listen to it. It'll be an ok way to waste several minutes of my time. It's not like I have much else to do today.

Hell, it's not like I have much to do any day.

I sit back down on my bed and put on my headphones. I turn on the MD. 

<I was shot by the gun of sadness,
As I cover up the wound with care,
And as I smile, saying I'm okay,
Tears slowly trace down my face.> 

I lie down on the bed and gaze at the blank ceiling. My room is dark, since I don't turn on the lights. I can't afford to waste so much money on the electric bill. After all, I'm struggling to pay off the rent each month as it is.

Besides, I like the dark.

It's comforting, somehow.

Maybe because in the dark you don't have to see anything you don't want to see.

<Let's hold back all our regrets 
And fall into a slumber.
For right now, let's be just like
The crows, waiting for morning to come.>

This song brings back too many memories... I can't help thinking about the night the five of us performed this song at the Cradle. It was fun, definitely. But, no one can make a living out of playing at clubs for free.

Hn. Maybe if the four of them had already gone professional and were willing to pay me, I'd join their band. But, since they haven't, I'm not going to risk what little stability in my life I have right now on a naive dream.

<Our dreams are always high above the clouds.
They're put there so that 
We fly higher than today.
If one day we can break through the sun,
We will have great wings that flow like waves.
We'll become like angels.>

Still, that night was very... memorable. During that time, when I could feel the rhythm of the music flowing through me... When I could feel the warmth of the bright lights of the stage... When I could hear the people in the audience cheering, for us... When I was with the others, and I felt like I've been friends with them forever... When I was singing my heart out, singing those words that seemed to echo throughout my mind... When I was singing, and it almost seemed like those words were words that I have been wanting to say out loud, but have been too scared to...

I felt something.

I felt... special.

I didn't think I could feel anything anymore.

<Let's hold back all our regrets
And fall into a slumber.
For right now, let's be just like
The crows, waiting for morning to come.>

That night was the first time in a long while that I felt...

Happy.

Truly happy.

I thought I forgot how to feel that.

<Our dreams are always high above the clouds.
They're put there so that 
We fly higher than today.
If one day we can break through the sun,
We will have great wings that flow like waves.
We'll become like angels.>

I think maybe, just maybe, playing with those guys as Lucifer that night...

Meant something.

I think that it might actually have been something...

Something...

That I can believe in.

Something so bright that it will brighten the dark dreariness of my life...

Something so powerful that it will mean everything to me...

Maybe it can even be...

Something to live for.

Maybe I'll give Lucifer a chance. Maybe I'll allow myself to have just one dream to believe in.

I've got nothing else to lose.

Who knows... Maybe someday we'll make it big. Maybe someday we'll go professional and perform for the whole country, the whole world.

Maybe someday...

We'll become like angels.

<Owari>