it's a beautiful day. Well..maybe it's not but some things make you imagine for only a little while that everything's beautiful. I'm still sleepy, still confused. heh, I find comfort in nothing or maybe sometimes in illusions when I'm sane enough to make ones.. so I'm living my life, holding myself back. Right now it seems like a new beginning for me, a new light in my heart and a new perspective. I know that I owe everything to my wife. When I think about myself before we met and now, I see a totally different person. She asked me if I think I'm different in many ways than what I was back then, and I told her that in general it's not a massive change but when you focus on every little thing, it's like I walked in a new world, and a new world makes you behave according to its rules.. so I try to make up my own rules, that's mainly what has changed me. I don't live by others expectations or wishings.. and frankly no one really expects anything from me anymore.. so I'm ok with that, maybe one day I'll figure it's not how it's supposed to be. But when I think about the people I see and analyze them (over analyze them..) then I understand that when you find your true love on such a young age, it separates you from the rest of them, because they're experiencing, they're tasting.. and me, I know my way, at least my way in love. Today I'm sure that she's the only one for me. Maybe once I had my share of doubts but I don't now, we belong together... wow, isn't it magical?
well, it could be magical, but it can't be enjoyed because the political situation influences the personal lives of everyone. I'm afraid to go out of the house, they're threatening to bomb the hell out of us, so it's safer to stay at home.. not to see my wife.. not to live. But I prefer some suffering and now a life time of regrets. I won't risk her and I won't risk myself, it's not responsible and not realistic..

Tomorrow school starts, it's weird to go back but in the same time not weird at all.. because when you do things that have no meaning to you, you never choose doing it, so you are only dragged along, not paying much thinking into it, and so was this vacation as well.. I could do so many things.. but this bloody country doesn't let me fulfil myself.
My parents want to move, to dear USA or to Romania.. and well ..anywhere that's not HERE. I don't understand anything in this world, I don't understand how can people care about stupid things, I know they're not stupid in their eyes.. but eitherway.. there's a limit to how much you can care about these matters. It's like my sister who shops constantly and can't get her way without it, argh, she will never think about visiting out grandmother or something.. I'm going on Wednesday, and it's not to ease my guilt, it is mind lifting, spirit lifting.. we can learn much from the old people. I saw this Seinfeld episode the other day with the voluntary assignments Jerry, George and Elaine decided to do, so they tried to be helpful to society by meeting old people and just talk to them, and the three of them were too selfish or had a sheer disappointment because old people don't need our mercy despite what we usually think. Anyway my point is that I'm not doing it because I want to be a better person, I mean..I want to be, but my conscience works hard on these matters, not actions sadly.. and I want to visit them, to ignore my selfishness.. argh. nope..no point in here..
I'm listening to John Lennon.. I love what I hear, are there people like him in the world? mmm.. damn it, I want to get rid of my horrible dreams, what do they want from me? cause if I'm possessed or anything it will ruin my plans to take over the world.. tough.
I think I'll change the opening page.. he picture is really pretty but it's too big and since no one's coming here anyways I should put something I enjoy better..
A day after tomorrow Tamar comes back from Australia after almost spending a month over there, I missed her..heh. and well, everything's gonna be alright, that's the news for today, so don't sweat the small stuff now.

My hair is brown again, Odelya says it's the best this way, and I want to buy clothes but I can't because of the bombings but who cares? mmm.. (can't get away without a superficial 2 lined shot..)

ALRIGHT!

yeah..back to the mental disorder institution..
ah well..

X