I put my Eviatar Banay CD, did I do that only to be depressed? it's a fact that he depresses me, only because of his beauty though, I really love the way he reflects his soul to the outside.

Sunday today, I don't notice the sun anymore because it's always there. When it was a break from the rain I felt so good, like it's a new beginning but now..can't be that every day is a new beginning. Nature doesn't call me outside, maybe because i'm still tired or maybe because I have no one to share nature with. Maybe if I were a little more independent I would take my book and sit on the grass, but I don't want to. the walls always tie me down, tell me to be quiet, to look at the still watch, and serenely let it count the seconds for me, morning and suddenly the moon spreads its dark everywhere, it bothers me, why can't I offer the sun something, make her stay a bit, chit chat, put nail polish on each others' nails. I would even make her a sandwitch for the way, she doesn't have to do a thing. A little company, that's all I want, just to talk with her about the new T.V series in channel 3. I don't even watch T.V, but I can always learn...
I guess it's so beautiful outside, I believe that if I were different I would love it and cherish it all day long. boy, i haven't written for a long time, here's what Alice did in her 3 days wonderland :

On Thursday Yael came over. I am writing now before I see what she wrote in her online journal. I want my thoughts to be pure, to spill it as I felt. I really enjoyed my time with her, every moment actually. I felt good, I really did, she's my only real friend, she is so funny..not the jokes-teller type, but the way she talks- I enjoyed really, I did. We are so different, me and her. She is a serious person deep inside and me, I am afraid of being serious, I'm always cynical or joking around, afraid to talk about unsolved things..I don't know how to do it, but sometimes I don't have any choice.
I showed her around, she bought herself cd's , I bought myself a hat ( I have a hat mania lately..) which I really love.. and we talked, I love talking with her, I don't know if she believes in herself and knows that she's such a great person. Most of the people I know are so dead inside, rotten and eaten by society, and Yael is full of life. She has desire, she loves things, she wants things. When I look at myself..I know there are things I love and want but I can never get them, and I don't want anything bad enough. She is still a child in many ways- she didn't give up on the world. She believes in people (although she might deny it) and she gives everyone 10000 chances to prove themselves because she can't accept the fact that they're so bad. I would call her optimistic, but as everyone- she's built of negatives too, so am I. I say that people are so decayed but I'm interested in their stories. I love children and I want to grow so fast, to move out, to be on my own...a child always wants to grow..then it's ok?
she's mature, she wants to understand everything, where something stars and ends but she doesn't understand that you can't see the whole thing all the time. I love mysteries, and there are things i wouldn't dig in, they're dangerous. I think that we have reached a high level of understanding between us. She's important to me, she's the only person I'm willing to accept, along with the depressed parts and the cheery parts. I think it says something..
Then we met my Odelya, oh my wife, I love her so so so so so so so much, she's so amazing. She's the wisest person in the world, I believe in it and I know it, I'm overwhelmed with her mind's way of working, it's incredible. Odelya went through so much in her life, I would have break, and she..she moved on bravely, she knows what she wants, she is so solid. it seems like she can never break, she's untouchable, an eternal survivor, I love her so much, and everyday I wonder why would she pick me, I'm so insignificant, I'm a scapegoat ; of myself mainly and of the world. And stlil she wants me, and I'm astonished, and I'm grateful (for who, it doesn't matter)- I have the most vivid soul inside when she's there, I will never walk away from her, and one day if we decide to lock the door, it will be together. no, I'm not isolated- I'm in my world, with her- that's what I want. is it true that I have love? I always dreamt about it and I thought it will never happen, I thought that I'll always be lonely. The guys who wanted me, these stupid jerks, were never enough, I thought there's no way for me but down.
I never write here what we're doing or what are fights are about, or what happened to us, to her, to me- it's pure and private, not a secret, but private. nothing will be pure if it is shared with the world, or even with a screen that no one looks at. some things should stay in the mind, we can't be an open book, we can expose some chapters but when the lights go off, you always hear about the moment when they showed up again. unless it's Steven King or another horror movie with nudity. eitherway-
we hold our hands in the streets now, I was offended when she didn't want to because she knows people there..my attitude is "hell with the world" and hers is "when the world's there, I don't want it to watch", I was insuled, I thought that if we're married, there's no one but us, who cares about people, why should they care about us, why should they mind two girls inlove. we walked hand in hand, it felt so good, and there weren't many people anyway.
her roomate is moving out, we can be alone, things are working out for some reason, or maybe it's just one step before the known sinking. which reminds me- Sivan called me 5 minutes ago (heh...sounds funny) and she told me about her adventures in the luna park..whaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she's so insane! she went on ALL the scary devices!!! I got a stomach ache only from hearing it! ~back to what I've been writing...:~ oh before I'm back to my weekend's summery (how can you sum perfection? yuck, Britney is on the background..my stupid neighbors..I'll express my contra with Tori's venus) I found a beautiful purple scarf, it looks like a butterfly, it reminds me of my Odelya who always puts them on, so I winded it around my neck and it feels so good. I'm purple, it is the best color for a person, I wish everyone could be purple.
The day after Odelya did me a tour at ehr university. It's a huge huge huge place and you can study there every damn thing- I could even hear the opera singers..they get a degree in opera- isn't it funny? a great thing for anyone I think- you can do everything you love and be appreciated..... and what do I love? and what do I want????? all these colors make it hard to concentrate on only one, what is the right color for me? will I be directed? where is my illumination?
Odelya gave me some material for my biology paper on Viruses, it's so interesting, silly me didn't know that Aids is a virus..
I need to know what's going on in my body, maybe if I know how viruses work I could talk to them and persuade them not to hurt me, if I don't know how they work, I won't know where they are..can they hear..? I think it is so weird that things that aren't even ALIVE can kill the living ones. i think it's so weird that we're all made of inanimate pieces that TOGETHER create a living form. how can that be? I DON'T GET ANY OF IT. I don't know if it's because I'm just stupid or just can't understand the things that everyone take for granted. And it picks on me, it really disturbes me. I don't understand how come we say a word and everyone knows what we mean, I don't understand why a mother has an instinct to love her child, I don't understand how animals knew how to reproduce other creatures, I don't understand why people decided that killing is bad and kissing is good.
ANSWERS ANYONE??????
Yes, I'm such a frustrated person!!! who will use the exclamation mark that much???! too much enthisiastic, I'm too mad of the world for not giving us any answers. it's so unfair, it gives us air and expects us to breathe it with no questions. Why do we breathe oxygen and not CO2? everyone makes all the decisions for us. someone decided that we won't have wings and we'll breathe oxygen and will have cells and will need water and and and and......... No One Can Explain Why.

I'm sorry, biology gets to me, I'm taking it only because I want to get some answers. Biology is more philocophical than chemistry....it is ALIVE. that's the only reason for that- it doesn't concern dead materials.
I really love to cook with my wife, I love to eat with her, I love to do anything with her- she's so good, she never complains. sometimes I forget that some things are crucial for her. She can't watch a Shakespeare based movie if it's not loyal to the play, she can't watch a multi-american movie, and she hates hollywood. soemtimes I forget that she breathes art, it touches her so much, it's the purest thing in her eyes. if someone ruins it he's a sinner, she can't look at it. oh my cultural wife..if only I could protect her from these bad sinners. I hate the 19th century anyway, especially after I studied every stupid event in it.
We went to Yael to watch a movie, we didn't know that the hour was removed..yael had to wait for us while we thought we're in time. eitherway we didn't watch any movie eventually 'cause they were either too depressing or too demanding. I can't watch a movie with people and shut up, the whole point in watching it together is to talk, to gather
so we went to Yael's room and looked at some pictures she took, these pictures from the beach that depressed me so much..they were so beautiful. behind the paper everything is so winning, the lights are focussed in the camera but in nature they disappear, I never believe to what I see, it's too perfect to be true, but I love it. Then we went back home, I was so tired....time passed so quickly. When I had to go I cried while holding my wife in my arms, I didn't want to go away from her, I LOVE MY ODELYA.

she's now studying.. I'm now at home.. not doing anything special. only writing here..I want to live with my wife, 3 days seemed like one drop in a longed ocean.

Sivan wants me to come over. I don't know what has happened to her.. she has to write a book report on "the little prince" and she asked me what is it about. I told her that the message isn't the content but its spirit, its hope, its lesson. She asked me again, she said that on the back it doesn't say anything, and that she doesn't understand what did they want to say with the snake's drawing

I bet she saw a hat....
maybe she's happy because it has some pictures.
not tonight Josephine.

it's time for me to go, argh I don't want to get dressed, i'm dried and I'm waiting for my wife to come back. maybe I'll go to my garden and read my Agnon, tomorrow Odelya comes to me, she'll come with me to the library. I asked Sivan to do so..if she comes I won't go tomorrow, my Odelya..she's so wonderful- who will go with someone to the library when he doesn't have anything to do in there? and a sociology library- the boredom...I'm sleepy already..

Tori's venus is in my ears. I don't think that she's back from Venus..but she will be. Odelya bought it to me at the times when I still called her Odi, when she still called me Natty, when we didn't even meet.

another thing I can't explain,
how this dark place brought happiness to my life

I guess even THIS has meaning.