surrender evil cold, because you're all grown up now, you can leave the nest and let the sun star.

I was sitting in my garden for 2 hours, enjoying the sun tips all over me. My shirt was short and my long skirt was so friendly to the flowers..they looked the same, they spied each other. I have reached the conclusion that studying can be better if you feel good while doing it. Yes, this test I have tomorrow isn't one of the hardest (hebrew grammar) but that's why I let myself enjoy, put a big blanket on the lawn, listened if everything ticks and sings as it should..and I read, and smiled, and read, and smiled. birds are everywhere and there's something new in the air, maybe a sense of life that was so forgotten..ripples of light are washing my whole body, it's not too hot, it's just as it should be. Yes, there's something new in the air, and that something can't be bought anywhere, I wave hello and let it sit on my comfortable chair, "sit down, tell me a story" I tell the light, and so we sit, so we laugh..I won't let it go, not this time.
So I think that my space ship is all set to go. I have my space bag and my space mind..I really can go out of this place and rest in another. For days of my painful time I planned the pieces and put them together and now when it's ready I don't want to go. I think that everyone asks himself "what do I have in this life? why do I stay?" and I don't think that I have the courage to really fly with that space sheep to the unknown planets, if you're not naive you can't succeed in a new life. Why you ask? I think it's because we were born naive with a reason..we *must* start as naive so that maybe on another planet we won't be ruined and trashed by the lord of the flies, maybe it's like a computer game with so many worlds in it. And on every word we have the same hero with the same abilities, and on one of them he also gets fire ball bombs or a magic spell..but we have to be on the worlds before..because if not, we won't be able to reach this one. If you're born by mistake on the 15th level you won't know how to fight..you need to feel the keyboards, to make them smooth with your touch..it's weird, it's not reasonable, it's dreamy but what are we really? might be that we're only one dream in one's immensely tired head.. I don't think that I am a dream but if I am it means that I can dream too, I want to give my dream heroine a nice home with a nice family, I want her to be happy...it's so hard these days. I think that the first thing I'll do is bring her an eternal sun, it will be hanged on like a picture on a little wire, so she could put it down when she wants and also put it back when the plants aren't green enough. Eitherway I don't think that I will leave, this space sheep has more than one sit, and I don't want to make someone suffer because of me, then it stays, all motored up..if I want al I have to do is push the red button, just push the read button.
Of course that I can't imagine myself leaving anything without my wife, I think that one day me and my Odelya will go to a "kibbutz", which is a way of living..yes..with the cows and the sheep and the hard work, and the nature...I think that everyone there has a meaning, and it's so full of life. I need to be attached to nature, it's the strongest thing in me, my relation to nature. Ever since I was a child I went to explore new places. When friends came to me we always hiked through green mountains and looked for new places that we haven't seen. It felt so good, I remember it, so good. I would go by myself, I don't care...but ..I can't. I don't know why, something stops me. I guess it's like what I wrote in my last entry, this sun makes me think only about that. only that then I wrote about the night..such a strange creature i am. day or night..day or night...it's so hard to choose..well, that's why we have both, one after another for eternity..
we don't have to choose everything..

Tomorrow my love is coming to see me. I'm waiting for it so much, we tend to fight too much but I know that I will never walk away from her, everytime I play with the idea in my stupid head I get this blackest feeling inside, I can't leave something I love the most, even if we have problems, I'm sure it will pass away.. the only problem is that we're so far away, it makes me so sad sometimes until I think that everything she says to me is unthoughtful..but what can she say? we can't wrinkle the map so we'll live closer. soon I will be on vacation so it will be much easier...I hope...and there's the money again..oooh, it always comes to ruin the celebration.
I know it is the one that puts the alcohol in the punch.
I talked to Yael today when I came back from school, and she's such a creature! heh heh, I missed her wacko way of speaking, I wonder sometimes if she accepts me or loves me more than her other friends..It is the hardest thing to love me I think..oh I don't know...at school they think I'm modest and pretty and when I walk in the streets I never look at any eye..my mom always tells me that they're looking and she's surprised that I don't look at them and I'm so serious. But I don't flirt, why do they think that it's so natural to flirt? I am so happy with my wife and she's the only one my eyes will go to, oooh I miss her so much!
I want to burst into the streets and dance, just like Jean Kelly when he was in the rain.
two different weathers but the same excitement, and it's coming back all over again..every time.
Putting down the guestbook seemed like the right thing to do, but now..I don't know, maybe I will put it back. hmm...and I wonder if my purple is visible and clear, this computer isn't faithful, it always lies...everyone sees everything differently.
I think that I miss playing the piano ( I would write organ..but it doesn't sound so good.. ), making music made me feel good..
or maybe I think that only now. I type as if I play..letters as notes..now it's quiet and now it's strong
few more moments of ending the gigantic music in my cathedral's halls
...the last sound
silence

and now -

applause.

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