you're gonna use them all life long.
It shines with sandy dust, every desert is sending its glow to our sinning snouts, fresh smell of paint is in my nose, drawers of water are playing at every fountain, village girls are invigorated with bare feet and stretched hands, they're singing with their drums and flutes, joyfully welcoming with celebrations, the carpenters and the egg sellers are all in the circle of life, dancing with the crowd, crowns of fruits are covering everyone's head. It is the village's circus and everyone's there.
nature calls me "come natalie, I'm just waiting for you" but my smile stays in the house, it wants to be remembered.
Today we all went to school to see this israeli rock band, the singer was a psycho young man called Maor Cohen.
It was such fun! at first we just sat there while he sang (he's soooo good, I'm surely buying his cd!) with his electricity and spark, I felt like I want to get up and move my body a little but..everyone stayed, so I didn't feel comfortable to be the only one. but in time it got more tensed and pulsed in our bloods until everyone (almost) got down and danced madly. It was fun although I don't like the way people dance today, they just jump..but they feel good so I see. I'm more regressed, I don't jump or do extreme movements, I just go with the rhythm and I never make funny gestures with my few visible organs..on them it looks so good and full of life but when I dance, it's different. Maybe it really depends if I'm with the right company, yes..with myself I dance best. I loved the music so much, it was ear blasting, it was strong and amazing..oh whoa, I felt real goood.
Most of the girls from 10th grade (my grade) colored their hair black. It became the current fashion- b.l.a.c.k.
I don't like it at all, it's always beautiful but so dark, I see dark faces, professing goths, all shadows of one another, all are not unique. I decided to dye my hair a bit lighter, because my roots are really a disaster lately so I want it a bit blond, but it's not good because then my roots will grow again...what shall it be then? I don't want red..ah, why was I born with dark hair? a mystery..actually I was blond as a girl but as I grew it got darker, as everything else in my life. I also discovered that the worst bitch has a wicked mom that used to hit her and punish her all the time..but I just can't pity the bitch, maybe just understand why is she like that. everyone has locked doors, we're all specialists in secrets, we have stuffed closets with every secret line, every single thought. They can become obsolete and they can be present forever, our secrets are sometimes even hidden from our own mind, they're dressed with other secrets so that we won't recognize them. and sometimes they sprinkle their sobbing needles on our faces, they sometimes come back from the far, from the past, from the darkest deepest closets. And you don't know who opened it, after you tried so hard to seal it down. you tell it to go, you even beg, you try to kick it away, you tell the secret to look for you elsewhere but..it is not a child play, it never runs away. And then someone meets your secret, and for him it's only something about someone that isn't that important to him. And the secret becomes something in his mind, and he shares it with others and others that are so happy because by other secrets they can forget about theirs. And then they point on you and laugh and pity and sour your heart. You're looking deep inside with fright and you discover that it's gone. your secret is gone.
I am thinking about that evil girl and now when I know about her rotten life, it looks like I shouldn't know that secret, the most evil girl in the world and I can sympathize with her condition, that's funny..the stupid girl. And I think about that guy who told me about her..that he's not ok, and I think about that girl that she's not ok for telling someone about her secret because that someone isn't for real. and when that someone told me the secret, then it wasn't hers anymore, it was his, and now mine, and then another girl's secret...I told her about it, that was how I could explain her awful behavior. and I just think that people should keep their belonging in their own hands, and let no one see through the spaces in their hands. if you tell the wrong person then *boom* it's all gone. no more secrets. I think that no one can live without even one secret that he keeps from the whole world, and it can be a silly thing he does everytime he goes to sleep, like a prayre or a thought, and it can be something else, like what he really is, or what he really eats for breakfast.
can we murder secrets? are we allowed to be that unfaithful? I guess so...we're from the human breed, it demands it.
my ears are exploding, that music made me a bit deaf..will it pass?? ah! and there's good music on the radio right now, old rock, dark rock, black rock. My cousin loves John Lee Hooker the most, I can understand why.
it feels so bad..I think about her from time to time and I am so disappointed, I guess I used to think we have a bond, but..we don't. and lately I think about the same time last year when we prepared our graduation party, and I was tested for that guiding thing and everything was so much fun, it had meaning. today the only thing that has meaning is everything that is hidden from the eye. "the lttle prince" said it, who am I to argue? I wouldn't even if I were someone.. it's so hot outside, I think I'll go out and read my book or something, I need to feel good. I want the tan, I want the sun's marks on me, I'm always happy then. But the sea..I don't love it so much, maybe I should give it one more chance, maybe two. I need to wash my hair and I need to feel the cool water...when I do that..I feel tha I'm somewhere else, or maybe I'm here and usually i'm not.. it wakes me up to a world of beauty which never exists when I am uniting with myself only.
And there's this guy from the net who calls me from time to time and doesn't understand how come I am married in such a young age
And there's this other guy that I know that calls me sometimes and he doesn't understand that I'm not so thrilled so talk with him
and there's this big misunderstanding in the whole world..that could be solved only by feeling united with the world, and then- with everything that is in it.
My father painted all the doors today, it's white and cloudy, soon we will start cleaning for the arrival of the longed holiday: passover. I waited for it for so long, and I counted 1 2 3 and it's here. "it's easy like 1 2 3", it wasn't so easy to get here, but I did it. I wonder sometimes how come I get these grades while I don't have much of a brain up here..I'm such a confused person..I don't understand it. But I'm here, we had snow and rain and now it's time to take off all the covers- the scarfs and the coats , now all you need is some grapes and a tambourine,
and don't you forget your dancing shoes