potsherds are potted in my soul, today I am not proud, oh how I pity the ones who are inlove with their own portrait, oh Dorian. Kate Bush is in my ears, 'the kick inside'- the cd which reminds me of my pure self so long ago.. as a symbol for the passing year, the rest..are all influenced by people, maybe Tori isn't influenced but well.."the kick inside" was something refreshing in my life. I remember making a fake tattoo when I bought it, it was really fantastic, a black sun with black rays... it seems ages ago. and that's good, that's right, that's fine with me.
Right now I'm a free woman, for 2 whole months, still locked of course, still puffing with difficulty because of life's obstacles and lack of adventures. I've done some things I didn't believe in the past were possible for me, this year gave me the world and took my spirit out of me, because it's so hard ti fight 24 hours a day, which is all I've got.. I didn't believe I'm able to lie, we all lie "white lies" with no real effect, but I made real lies, horrible lies, these lies currupt me, these lies became me, and it's the worse...I thought I'm so pure once. And as everything it's not my fault that I'm lying...
The year ended and nothing in me bites or wants to pull the strings back. The actual lesson is that naivety and evil are so close, if you think about it- a person who's naive and doesn't know what's wrong or what can do him wrong can do the most horrifying things only because he doesn't know... complicated? I guess. But it's like Dorian Gray, my beloved villain ( or Oscar Wilde's beloved one..), who was so naive and didn't know how can he be drifted away with his own curiosity and life's temptations ( such as lord Henry), he was the symbol of unchanged and everlasting beauty and there for- the symbol of varying evil and starving for new thrills that are mostly and eventually the most dreadful sins possible. The picture that took his ugliness and soaked every wrinkle or savage blood from him and by that left him untouched and even more beautiful than ever. The horrible actions were of course excused, cynicism fed these excuses the best, and it seemed like if something is artistic, tragic with tears of beauty- then it's just a lovely ending for an interesting play. Then comes the silence, and then the other deed, the worse deed, and then the worst deed. The passion was carried along, the erotic descriptions, Wilde's genius, his criticism, his charm. It is no secret that forbidden things make us even more intrigued and thirsty for more dazzles, BAD is no bad for the one who has his own morals, or no morals and GOOD is nothing, good is boring, good is passe. then where is our will, our madness.. Dorian could do everything in the world and get out with it, he was rich, he had power, he was a friend of lucifer, and lucifer only took his soul because he was so beautiful, he let him do as he pleased, he let him cure his soul with the senses and destroy everything around him.
Wilde is too wise and too sharp for me, he is so amazingly right and so amazingly scary. He can convince us that everything is true, even if it's bad in our morals, it can be good through Wilde's eyes. Dorian couldn't love anything steadily, the lust was for unstable things. now it's that and tomorrow it's another, you can't find happiness in only one thing, you can't be faithful. the human changes, he has needs, he has to sale away, to live every drop of his days, to trash and to go away, to murder and make it past. The past is the past, there's only now and tomorrow. Everything can be forgotten.
Then we ask ourselves- where is our conscience, where was his? nowhere. He's guilty only until it's forgotten or excused, when it is left behind, he can go on and be cruel, again. His touch is like Midas', only everything he touched turned into red tongues of fire, and he was with no doubt- bad. But it was good and right because it brought excitement to life, it was wonderful to hear about these legendary things and it didn't matter if they're true or not, as long as they can keep the ear interested. Dorian didn't care about his picture at some point, he showed his scabbed soul, his crimes, his picture, to Bazil, to Campbell, even to lord Henry. his demonic eyes knew no one will believe the stories that were always confirmed before they were checked. secrets were never coffered because they could be found everywhere, no one was afraid that his secret will be discovered, there were too many to be worry about only one. Oh Dorian... how can someone be so poisoned and ill, how can the heart stop beating fast and the hands stop sweat when a person does a crime.
Art and thoughts can explain everything, you can never be convinced fully by them. it's dangerous.
" Dorian Gray's picture " aroused me, I feel this need to analyze this story, to understand it, to know the meanings, to make peace with it!! I can scream! I need to know! and the answer.. the answer... ~ influences are really so bad, I'll never look for an answer in it..yet I can't deny that there's no weapon against them. The Holy Scriptures can never be enough for anyone, they look for adventures..blah, how cynical.
It's the "book week" here in this mighty place. I'm going with my sister today to buy 2 books I guess, the best kind is the sick kind, like Dorian Gray, like "crime and punishment", and it's scary, too scary to follow. I need a break from these fabulous truth books, I need something with more emotion and less thinking.
What will I do in the vacation? I don't know, I want to work, but I have no job...gotta look for one...
Again I finally breathe life again, the real air, oh how I missed reading something that doesn't involve ancient history or casual atom numbers. Nothing can replace them.. but I can't forget, I don't want to put it aside and leave it to dust, I have to think it through, it must not disappear, it touched me immensly, it made me think, it made my veins shrink, it influenced me.. is it bad?.
I have this passion to look for something that will explain things to me, that will reveal the curtain, that will show me what I couldn't say in words...how beautiful it was, an artist that hides behind his creation, an actress that finds peace only when she acts so bad because it means she feels true feelings and can't live false lives while she's feeling wonderful actual feelings, a man who's inlove with another man with admiration, another man who's inlove with himself and doesn't care about how he ruins everything else, the passion for youth and the fear of death and oldness, the magic in cynical words and living by them, beauty and evil, good and bad, where's the difference? where can we put the line? why do ideas seem so beautiful and the actions are always dreadful? oh Dorian, you evil thing, you made me think too much, I'm cracking my mind. The reason I wrote some of my thoughts of glimpses of them in here is because I don't want this book to disappear, I don't want to make it only a memory, it awoke my psyche and now it refuses to rest.
If you haven't read it yet, it's time now, only if you're ready to find out what you never wanted to find out, only if you're ready to lose some sane areas, only if you're ready for a world that is everything but logic but 100% realistic.
Ooh, resuscitation- what an outstanding and celestial thing, a prank maybe.. you can always die again, but now I want to keep on living!
Did you hear the rumor? Natalie is alive again.
Something I loved in the book especially was the line ( it goes something like that):" can you believe it, people are saying true things behind one's back!"
ah. wise indeed.
There's so much to say and write, but the Wilde wrote it all. My mission is to find out what did he say about this book.
I'm on the road.
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