I'm really apathetic now, it's very good.. I guess when I'm not influenced with bad energies it's ok, I guess when I can't feel it's ok too, I'm just flowing here and there, above and under, until I find an oasis, or until I'm just a little bit tired.

Me and Yael are really good, I have to say she saves me from the horrible routine of waiting for my wife, she's always going to sleep early and we don't get to talk a lot.. it's very depressing, so I'm denying everything, pretending nothing is on my way. I really want to go around, I have passion, I want to explore, to go, to see, to feel the world around me. Odelya told me that it's such a big world and that we're missing it. I believe in it I think, but I can't explore it on my own, I might get lost in the big forests, I need a hand glewed to mine, i need directions, arrows that will point the right path, something obvious in this whirlpool of chaos.. maybe a hint, a sign, I need to know that I'm on the right road, I need to know it's not an illusion of tempting pastoral visions, I need to know what is spinning inside me, I need to know why am I so chained , why can't I do what I want, and also I need to find out what is it that I want. I know I want to be under the sky and not under and between walls. I want to feel air around me.. ahhh, I had that feeling once, it was a good feeling then. When I was in the camp and suddenly I had many friends, everything looked so insuring, in its full bloom. I was under the sky for two whole weeks, it felt so good. I guess it wasn't as good as it was NEW, my condition has changed then, I went into an unknown situation and I liked the adventure, even if it was so horrible sometimes, I needed it, I needed that unbalanced feeling. I can't bear the forced routine anymore, I want to live!
I'm listening to "the big sky" of Kate Bush, the melody probably gave me this anxiety, wow! how I wish I could be unceremonious, uncanny, uncertain! But all I am is so sure of my unbeaten boredom.. I know that tomorrow it will be the same, I know that the day after it will be the same again... and again... and again ... Yet I don't feel dead at all! oh no! I feel that I need to stop the known and begin with a tempered new me, why can't I go after my dreams? and I believe I can go after unmade dreams, I know they're there, all I need is to find them out! soon I'll get back to the horrible school life, reading about unwanted issues, being with unwelcome people..and now when I'm alone I can finally choose, I can decide for myself, I can put an end to the endless sitting infront of the television..it's up to me...is it really?.
These words are also a dream of their own.. they're independet, undauntedly marching forward, and the only one who stops them is me. The ultimate problem that will never ever disappear....

phantoms are chasing my curtains, whispering their fury in my ears, they have the motion ability, they can fly from a window to another, they can slip into my ear and become as immense as possible.. are they dead? the flying ghosts... do I have to die in order to do things right? What is my life if I can't do what I want, if what I want can't have me?
I see things I believed in collapsing ; My spiritual cousin's marriage is almost faded, My other cousin turned up to be a wise man corrupted by life, he bacame almost evil, not by deeds , but by his stare, his way of living, his whole self. He became feelingless and ruined. Nothing is sacred, no one is good, we're all bad. And it's amazing how we try to be good but it can't work out, because we're bad in nature. that's our secret.....

I have this very weird mood, and Odelya does too, we don't get alone these days.. I don't know what is happening. Maybe it's only the raging frustration...maybe it's just..us.

I'm hungry as always but mom will kill me if I eat anything now, she's very possessive with her kitchen.. I can't do a bloody thing! I want to live alone, I can't take it anymore, no more control, I need wings, I want to leave this brown earth and see the blue sides, the purple sides, the good sides..
don't I deserve anything good? is it all lost for me? everything?

Odelya told me today that it's really amazing how some things change and some stay exactly the same as before.
Such as cd's I'll always hear and cd's I will never look at again.. or at least won't be thrilled about anymore.

Dad is getting bills of millions, and I have no idea how do we keep on living. Who can pay this kind of money? how can my life go on ignoring what's realling happening. And I wonder what will I do if I lose my house, my safe floor, my warm bed. What will I do without a roof, without any help or support. On t.v I see mommies petting their children and saying "it will be over, don't worry, it's ok" and it seems so fictional. Between these four walls my mother will only say "you stupid cow, it's your fault, what is happening to my life?", she never cares, never cares, NeveR. She already informed me that she's not buying me anything now for a year.. and I didn't get her, she brought a child to the world, she must take care of it. She doesn't deserve a child, she's a horrible mother. She's so selfish, she thinks only about herself, so I don't wonder how I turned up to be...it's only reasonable, I'm another piece of trash. I feel so bad, so bad.

Is the passion gone?

I've just got Yael's letter, she sent me her picture, and she's so so pretty in that picture..why can't she see it?
My sister has just came in and asked me if I want to come to Odelya's and Yael's city with her. I called, no one answered.. so I didn't go. Can it be better than this?
Why can't everything be right only once?
When you're high , so high up, it's really aching to fall, and you always fall.

lucky me, I'm not high at all.

X

I wanted to put this entry now, but mom is on her roll of groaning around on the phone..guess I will wait till she finishes. why am I writing this? don't know..it's just one more piece of the painful truth.
Soon father will come, they will shout on each other, my heart will beat so fast, I'll be afraid.
same routine..as always.