when a leg's broken, why do we try to fix it? when a man is ill, why do we try to cure him? When it's hot outside, why do we try to make ourselves cold?
why do we try to change how the world works?
why do we kill?
why do we never get killed?
why are we so afraid of death? it's only natural.. then why make it so far? what's the point in it all?

argh.

I don't know what's the craze about Harrey Potter but I'm going to find out... hem.
anyway..
I opened the stupid stupid teenagery magazine and I saw there that they're doing their regular competition of that magazine's "chick of the year" or whatever, and just 'coz they don't want us to think the girls are stupid, they added a bit..umm..content : some questions and answers by the model.
One of the questions was "what's your favorite book?" and she answered "Dorian Gray's picture" or "the alchemist" . . it made me wonder. no no..I don't think she actually read them or understood them but well...it didn't impress me, only disappointed me that after she read it she could pose on a beauty magazine...
you don't understand why? well, that's what I think, obviously.

it's so damn hot hot hot hot!, it seems like I 'm drowning in my own puddle but when I touch my skin it's only a bit sticky... I hate summer, too many short pants everywhere.

Today I had my last (whoohoo!!!!!) exam for this year!!!! that was my final in Hebrew Grammar and I liked that test, especially since I haven't prepared to it.. (maybe a little here and there) and I wasn't stressed. I liked what I did in there, and on one answer I even thought I was smart (?!). It will haunt me tho.. I know because me and Odelya bought ourselves a "Trivia game" (how do you say it in english? well it's that game with questions!) and there's a section there called "history", no need to say more....
We had such a hard time this week, this month...we're still recovering but we decided never to give up on each other since we saw how immpossible it is when we tried.

but now she called me again, told me how miserable she is. And I don't blame her, I'm such a lousy stupid ugly person, my inside is so rotten and so- yes- stupid! and my therapy is to write about it..but it's only another hiding place.
I don't know what to do. She's never honest with me. never. And always when I ask the same question more than 10 times she decides to come clean with me. I call it lying, but..everyone with his own expressions.

she wants to be alone, she wants to know herself, to be without me. Why is it so hard for me to accept? I guess it's because she's never honest and makes me live in illusions, or maybe because I'm that untrusting. I don't think she sees me as her wife (she always says that she does), and I believe that some day she will go.
This time I won't want to say "I told you so".

I can't talk to anyone. I cry so much, then I feel that I need Yael to be there for me, but then it's so horrible that when she calls and Odelya is on the other line I can't hang up. And I can't call and I can't do anything. She was there for me, when it all fell apart. Well Yael, guess what? it's falling again, deeper than ever.
When you called on Monday to Odelya's and asked me if it's ok, I said "sort of..yes" and when I hung up Odelya asked me "why did you say "sort of"" and I said "I don't know.."
I guess it's true Yael, it was "sort of" and now it is "not at all". What will I do? oh Yael it's so hard.

All my life I was alone, I guess I can say "all of them" although on some little parts I had something that reminds a friend. Today I don't know what a friend is, but everyone has tons of 'em. Why didn't I ever have a friend? a real friend? why do I cry every single day hoping for the damn sun to shine on me? Why can't I be happy? I don't remember a day without crying this month. It wasn't possible.
And Odelya?
she never cries, she only talks so horribly to me and I cry again, after she hangs up, when I'm all alone.
And it's the worst when I cry infront of her and she doesn't care. something's wrong.
kill me, but I don't know how to fix it.

I told her that I am nothing.
then I asked her something a long time ago: I asked her if someone who , for example, plays on a certain instrument. and he has an extraordinary talent, then does he know that he has such a talent if no one else tells him?
and she said that a person is talented if that's how he says it.
so I asked her something else. If that person knows that he plays so beautifully because there's only on eperson who always listens to him and comes to him and tells him how beautiful he is, then wlil he feel ugly alone? - I said "yes he will".
and she said that the person who listened might tell him that his playing is beautiful only because he doesn't want to make him feel bad.
then she said : I didn't mean it is you.

I hung up. so I scream for help.
Help!.
no wonder no one's answering... a popping reminder flows upon my head "Natalie, you have no one, you're ALONE"
and I say " yeah, but I remember that once I didn't think so, and once wasn't so long ago.."

I can't write anymore

if anyone asks, I'm dead. but don't worry, they won't.

..few hours later..

I just thought that I have to say- I will always love my wife, my odelya.
only wretched measly filth will stay only because it doesn't have any strength to leave. And I know that I will do everything for one kiss from her.

Again-
I am nothing, and a proof to that is everywhere, even in these words that no one reads. oh well, that's my destiny,

the destiny of a huge big nothing.