monday
Oh I miss my wife, it's really sad...I don't want to study, no no no no...but what can I do? I don't know what to do when she's not with me, I just don't know.
Tuesday, awful tuesday
After nothing has worked for my wasted hours, I went to the bathroom and took a long warm bath. I never enjoy it, it bores me..you just stare at the wall and..that's it. Yes, the water are cool and soft but it's locked in a room full of toxic things you can't even drink.. I prefer the pool on the bath. I never pee in the pool tho, but I never go there anyway. so the case is solved. I notice that I say such nonsese right now but it's just because I'm so so so so so so melancholic in this very minute, I don't care what I say, this writing makes me spend some more seconds doing something, and I need that something. I don't want to study. This holiday means nothing, it tells us "STUDY YOU STUPID KIDS, you have work to do", but I can't do anything when they call me stupid. and why do they? - if they had respect for us, students, they wouldn't have given us that much of work. school chases me and I'm always so tensed. How can everyone stop themselves from exploding? Why don't they want to reach the stars? I want to go high, up , to see what is everything made of, to go away from all of this. it makes me so miserable. How can they stay so still? Our faith depends on everything we do, how can they do so much and do nothing of their duties? but forgety all that, what I don't understand is- how can they still smile? how????
I'm really edgy. if someone does something that is not right, and I mean little things, if I say a sentence and someone doesn't understand I don't know what to do, I scream and go. No one TRIES to understand, everyone is in a hurry..
and I have vacuum inside, I'm nothing, everyone sees me as nothing, or maybe thet don't see me at all. I talk about them and I don't care but I hate myself so much. This writing it only my attempt to squeeze some of me out, just to see if I have anything inside . maybe I'm empty like everyone else, TIGHTEN the damn ROPE. let's resolve it already.
and please, if any of you have a truck
I love my Odelya, she's my eternity.
Odelya was with me all day, it felt so good but I didn't want it to end. She's gone now, on her way, in the filthy buses of Jerusalem..passing through windows, people, smoke, watching everyone as they playing the fool. I'm not released of my pain, I love her and I will love her until my dark death, and even if it's not dark, I will love her- always.
She was so supreme today, she looked so stunning- ah this word can't describe a courter of my wife- and she went with me to the sociology library, which is the most BORING place on the face of earth. It's so dreary and glum, full of boring books and boring people. really, who cares about this crap? I hate generalizations (yet I'm making them all the time) but really, there are some issues you can't make a statement about- such as love or even mental illness. Surprisingly all the writers are SANE, then how would THEY know what's on the patient's mind? bunch of liars or zombies who want to brain-wash the common ones. I'm doing my paper on Child abuse and yes, it's very interesting, I agree. But making a paper on it? that is so boring. We must not say what we think, it's always thousands of quotes of some sunbathed psychologists with huge ego and a matching ass. Yes, it is killing me..this paper. I can't sit and write about something that I have no interest in. But I have 100 pages, I don't know what to do with them...it's really the top of horror. Don't you ever take Sociology or psychology, a wise person said once that these 2 are incredibly interesting to know but also incredibly boring to study. Let your mind speak, we don't need letters and books and researches, we have our own gray box and it's time to make something out of it. Just don't repeat my mistake, you'll make your life a living hell, even more than it is.
I feel really bad about myself right now..an hour ago it was 10:00 and now all of the sudden it's 3:00 PM, how can that be? someone's trying to fool me, I'm marveled, prostrating myself on the ground, trying to find out if it is not hollowed, I'm knocking on it, no voice comes out. but then there's a cloud, and the wind that I love so much is going against me, it takes me to the chair, to the papers, to the stabbing sights. I am rescuing myself and making myself doomed at the same time- I don't do it because it's the worst thing on earth, but by not doing it I make life so much harder on me. I must do it..but who are they anyway? I don't want to listen.
ok, I know that I am buried deep inside somewhere. something implanted me in this world to suffer and all I do is wait till my end or beginning starts. Well, the good news is that the end is pretty soon, I won't have to wait for so long..merry.
I have so much work and I had the books infront of me, and the pages of nothing..BUT I don't do a thing. it became a routine, I know, but I really yearn for something else to do. but I don't find that either. So I'm looking at the calendar and it says "darling, in 3 weeks you have your finals" ,
and that's the most depressing thing in the world. History strikes again..I hate it.
So I got so bored, I pushed all the papers away and I called a "friend" of mine to see if she checked some material for our biology paper. well, "surprisingly" she didn't. you know, I think it's really good that people don't surprise you with their actions, you could get a heart attack if they did. Everyone is so expected, that's how it should be, I know exactly what they'll do, I didn't have to call.. but boredom makes me do strange things, I'm beyond understanding them. ah, such a beautiful life, they're so thoughtful, the people I mean, they're doing just what they're supposed to do- to be "them". if they were a bit unselfish, then maybe I could have another feeling for them except for the old known "nothing" or "disguised hate", but the world is built that way- I can't find anyone I can talk to in this dark square. When I talked to Reut I coudn't stop yawning. I thought about what I'm gonna say next, I wanted to make our conversation a bit lofty, but Natalie knows that she can't dream, they will always stay boring and me, I will always bore them. that's the magic circle, isn't it fun? play play play.
I'll be the boot.
I went to play with my sis' dog, he's really amazing. how can the dogs live? well..they don't have school..but still- aren't they bored? and can I talk about them in human terms? can dogs be bored? can they be anything we are? I hope not, we're too bad for them, they need some exercise.
where do they all go? I want to go too...please...
and it's really nice that every sentence has only a dot or some stupid marks in the end. (see?) but I don't think that anything is really finished. how can we express ourselves if we have only 3 main symbols for ending our sentences? that's why we have the "...", but sometimes it doesn't help either
I'm gonna scream now, again
listen very very closely
come to visit.
(me in hell...)