Me and Ayelet met in this period of time, a little bit before I think, but it was now, a year ago. We tried to progress together, she gave me Trent, I gave her Tori. For me and for her, the love for the other's infatuation began later on, when we felt it's right. For me it happened a bit faster, for her it was a few months ago, and yesterday I went online at night, and it kind of reminded me of the old times, and we talked, and I figured some things..well, I don't know why but I want to write here our conversation, if not for the confusion, then for nostalgia. It's amazing how things change in a year..

Ayelet: it's good to see you online finally!!!!!
Me: yeah, my wife went to sleep so I have nothing to do!!
I need to get myself back again tho, I'm losing ground
Ayelet: losing ground? (well you know how this world can beat you down...)
but seriously, what do you mean?
you're the only person i'm here for, everyone else is from school or something , when you stopped coming i stopped coming..
Me: you're serious?
I don't know..I thought you are apart from me, I mean..you didn't find in me what you hoped to
Ayelet: i found in you everything, but i lost some of it it when you weren't here... i really missed you... i missed those wacky summer nights when wwe're bored and loony and made up stories.. :)
Me: yeah I know, I miss it dearly.
I miss these talks, we found out a lot about ourselves in these days
now I only find out that there's no more me that wants to be found
I can't find anything, I'm spiritually in the bottom
Ayelet: no way.
maybe what you mean is that you can't go any higher... i mean i always saw you as a very spiritually developed creature..
and i think there's always more
don't you?
Me: of course there is more, but I feel like my soul isn't provoked, it's in a nice little coma I don't know what I want, I need to be renewed but I keep staying my old self
I need..I need..myself again!
(p.s- thanks Ayelet, I didn't know you think that!!)
Ayelet :first of all: you're welcome.. :)
second: i think comas are natural, maybe you're just resting you know? regathering your strength. we both know you are capable of so much, really
Me: I don't think so Ayelet
I think that something HAS to change, because if it doesn't come now..school will surely not bring it
you know what I mean?..
Ayelet: well then good for us, you have all summer to find a change! i know you, you're a dinamic personality
you change whether you like it or not, it's your nature to evolve
Me: I know, but what if I'm out of my nature?
and how will I evolve without any influence of change?
by staring at the walls and agonizing? it won't do ..it's just not enough.
I know what could help me but there's no way for me to do it because my PARENTS won't allow...
that is going to a trip in nature, I do the greatest with nature...but I can't...the end of me is coming
Ayelet: hey... you wanna go on a trip with me somehow?
you mean like a long trip? trips in nature are very good, why shouldn't your parents let you?
about influences- what about your music, btw? who do you admire these days? is it still as strong as it used to be?
Me: that's my point- nothing has changed but now I can't say "Tori" or "Kate" because it's none and everyone, that is the problem with feeling emptiness, you can't relate to anything, and when you want to move a little further, you can't take them with you, at least not till you're sure it's right. I don't know...I don't know... nothing is for me , nothing excites me
and they don't let me because they won't like it if I go with Odelya...and well, maybe we'll go :me, you, her and maybe Ofer? (pls...:))
Ayelet: i can get something organized..
yes i know, what i think is music is parallel to progression somehow- when you find new music that excites you, you're moving forward, you feel alive, but when everything repeats then so do you... sometimes new little things like music can change you
Me: I think it's the other way around tho,
it's not the music that makes you "progressed", I think that when you do progress, you find the music that can talk to you and make you feel the new exact passion within you, then it goes hand by hand, music and evolution, but I think evolution comes first
and you should get something organized!!! I must get out of here!!!
Ayelet: i will try :)
you may be right, but any how, i feel that music is connected with self evolving. doesn't even matter what music it is, as long as it comes from within and is an expanding of your horizons
Me: I also think that after you see almost everything, and everything gets worn out, you lose faith in discovery
it's like when I first saw Manson it shocked, it made me love it, it made me really get into it but now I won't be shocked, it won't even make me smile
so I need something new..but they're all a bunch of harmless loonies
and the ones who can do harm, are the ones I run to, and eventually run from.
I think that when you stop finding the halo in others' music you try to create on your own
but I don't create anything...face it, I'm just a big nothing. That's what I'm telling Odelya all week. She tells me that the way to get myself back is to look at the flowers and trees, I told her " no way " I don't know...everything is recycled, where's renovation?
Ayelet: hey... i've been listening to this band lately... i don't really know how to define it, it's old music- 70s mostly, kind of progressive/middle age kind of thing you want me to send it to you? they're called "Renaissance" it's pretty cool

We kept on chattering..well..it's basically true, I can't get myself back until I find something new which will turn me over and wake me up, it has to last..

I will go now, maybe I will write later, maybe not.

it all depends on..

nothing.

X