11 June.
it's today. on 14:30. and then- it ends.
.how do I feel right now?.(physically) I'm a little dizzy, somewhat morbid, weak, no energy left. only a drop that can used for this test, then I will..be :-different-:.
so it means i'm free now?
again this timme I suddenly have is slipping away, I should have planned everything, I should have thought everything through. It is a sin to let a day pass without leaving a mark in it, without being happy about what I do. right now "nothing" isn't what I would like to do..I reach the "nothing" ideal only after I do something, and at this point it doesn't matter what that thing is.
surge ~ I need to start something new. I guess I can take driving lessons, I guess I can make my I.D already, I guess I can do everything in the world.
but I don't want to.
and that's my friends, is my worst problem. I will never be independent.
I don't know why is it so dramatic, but history *was* my greatest fear..or at least my greatest superficial fear at this year of counted risks. it is almost over, I'm almost behind the scenes, looking at others and not at myself. I don't want to do things, no no nooo, I only want to be in peace, I want my heart to beat. that's all.
so how was this year? ah...hmm...
(emotionally)when the body hurts it means something's bad is going on inside..what is it? I dunno, not a psychiatrist *yet*. damnit, I remember my dream...heh.
.am I afraid?. I figured that every question I will ask myself will be answered with "I have no bloody idea" but I can say that right now "twist and shout" is in my ears and it feels good, I'm not afraid now, I'm not....(who am I fooling really?) I need to hear happy happy songs. Tori?
negative.
.fast? s l o w ?. it went too fast for me, I'm suffering too much, something has to change, it has to. everything changed, yet it's not enough. maybe I want the changing things to come back in an improved way...I want to be able to trust again, to be able to breathe, I don't want to lock and I don't want to be locked, obviously.
.going anywhere?. I guess I'm always in the same spot..not moving anywhere, not enjoying this very fact, but as everything else- I deal with it. who really does what he wants? I'm not comparing.
.is there any hope?. I don't know...it seems so dark, my parents choke me, my room kills me. these evil eyes everywhere and these beasts. there's no hope. I saw on television that the elephants are almost extinct in India. When I saw what they are doing to them I've realized that: if someone hurts these amazing animals, it must be a human being. and if someone hurts these amazing animals, and I can't do anything about it, there's no hope for the world. why would they hurt perfection? animals are the best thing on this earth, no one understands it.
still there are good people, but I think they're so little..there's more evil. was it there all the time? oh well..
.my wife.she's everything, won't write more than that. but I love her more than I can say or want to say.
.ahhh?. the heat is killing me, going to take a shower...aurevoir.
This year was so ailing, all it knew is to stamp misery on my eyes. if there's something up there or down there or down here or..wherever it is or I am, it's a bad and wicked thing, or maybe only something that couldn't handle the human mutation. It's almost so hackneyed to say "society's bad, society has no values, society is corrupted." and why is it so? because the obvious is taken as it is, no one questions how did it get to this horrible condition? everyone admits he has savage areas which he's trying to deny, and every person thinks that by being apparently so conscious and aware of himself , it means that it's right and perfectly ok to be bad or mean, because it's so damn natural. the problem with me I guess is that I don't believe any of these claimed roars has a sensible point. if we're all so fucked up, and yes I use the "f" word because that's how I feel if I include me in "we", then it's not ok, it means we're worse than what we always think we are. if it's known, it should be fought and not ignored. we are run over, over and over .
it's pathetic that a person, as I, who says he's out of the learned frame called "society", speaks about it for so long. but when I'm aside, who do I have to look at? myself?- too rotten, too personal. then I look at the crowd who surrounds me, they're all infected, I'm just trying to be healthy...or at least to be sane.
and today when I look at my heart, it is not full of anger for them. my heart is disappointed but reborn every day. it just waits for the day it will be reborn and will see a new scene, something that is less hopeless or maybe someday something that lacks hopelessness.
on T.V there are always these shows when the same day repeats itself until a certain goal is achieved but what the writers of the shows don't get is that every day in our lives (and when I say "our" I mean the ones who don't dare to change the routine) is the same. we have our glimpses of joy or oceans of sadness. but it's always the same sadness, and they joy..the joy can stay the same, bliss is something I won't run away from, but I don't have that kind all that much. it's either a routine of untasted happiness,frustration or deep horror.
ah, it's depressing. we're not perpetual, some don't even want to be...I do tho, it has something very entire in it, but maybe the whole thing can never be whole because it's endless. The will to do something chases me. I don't want to do it with people..they don't interest me anymore, they're boring, maybe so do I, but I don't blame myself since I'm a person too.
school is almost over, it seems like it never had a continuation, only a bad beginning and a bad end. something that continues is something you feel, and I didn't feel this year going..
the test yesterday was ok, I don't care. I will soon get the other test I had, the final.. still I don't care about that one either. the things I care about are so different now, so different. I talked to a girl that used to be a good friend of mine once, and she's so obsessed about studying. I told her "it's only a test, it doesn't say anything about you as a person, relax." and she said "no, I'm right, no.." and blah...she can't accept another opinion. I wonder..is it in our gens to think about ourselves? why do we think that we're so right all the time? it's our basis. I don't think so though.. sometimes yes, only because I object to the extreme
yet, I'm another person with conflicts and contrasts.
I need to drink, it's so damn hot in here, ahh.
not alone.