Tomorrow, there's my final coming
it's coming, I've been waiting, the red carpet is on. Really- it's the worst thing in the world but I want to be OVER it already, to pass it, ok so there will be 2 hours of suffering (and a life time of regret..) but that will be all, I think. Yes, I will torture myself saying why the hell am I sitting in this bloody chair while my books are crying, my history final is tomorrow and I'm just..on a looooong break from it all. I just don't feel like studying, I will pay the price, think I would have paid it anyway.
Wow, a whole year has just vanished. Where was I really? school school school, that's the only place where time doesn't count, only stupid numbers and pain.
I started writing in here a while back, in January. I don't think I'm better or worse now, I haven't changed..everything else is the same too, or maybe we just grow together, regularly, we don't notice our bigger depression or our worst nightmares, because it's there all the time. ah well.
heh, makes me laugh that I don't study. goddamnit, I should. -- my wife's sleeping now, she told me to wake her up at 9:15, so I'm waiting. it's 9:03 right now and I wonder whether I will finish this entry till the time is due. is that sentence right? who cares... didn't write much english in these horrible days, only hebrew, history, BS. Which reminds me, I saw on the wall of my school "BSB rule!!!" so I understood that the meaning is the peppy stupid backs*#@& boys, but if you think about it a bit deeper (oh me, the deep thinker) then it can be "Bullshit boys." oooh, I'm sure I came up with it first...
pffth..mutiny, mutiny, mutiny. on T.V there's the video of "barbie girl", I really like the words of this pro men song, it's so reflecting, of what? everything, just open your eyes to these cheap girls and see the whole truth.
They don't bother me tho, not anymore. let them have it, let them wear minimal clothing, why should I care? they're just too far away from my world, I'm getting farrer, when you're far you don't care about what you can't see anymore. because unlike the tiny atoms, I don't see them and they're not there in my head. doesn't make sense, surely.
ok ok, just a little bit...I need my rest, my brain refuses to function. I wouldn't function either, smart brain. 'cause really, what does it get by functioning? Nothing. and history doesn't want it to function, it wants it to remember. and I don't want to remember things I have no relation to, things I haven't lived, it's enough not to remember my whole life, now I need not to remember everyone else's lives. which means- I can't remember anything, and with time the amount of things that I NEED to remember is growing and the amount of things I can't remember grows too, theoretically of course because if I don't remember, it doesn't matter what, they matter tho, ah, my philosophy- should be putten in a book immediately..
hey Ayelet, I think you were in my dream..ah..I'm not sure.
damn, my time is up, and I'm a quick writer...nevermind, eitherway, I should go now.
Wow, I think that if I could do a test in the computer it could take me half the time. They won't let me...I'll spare my thought away. --till later....well, you won't see it till I will finish later so, till the next line that is...
after an hour...
Yes yes, I am back, how thrilling. I'm on a break now, who cares? well I do! This damn studying can kill a person, I'm telling you.. so I keep whispering the material in my head..will I know it tomorrow? I want it to end already, enough with this "to be continued" routine, but I don't want time to pass..heh...the fear is still biting.
I want to write my cousin, Diana, a letter. She told me when I was there that she knows I won't come again, and I didn't think so..and now, I maybe believe in it although I know I won't let it happen. Maybe I will take Odelya with me, I can't go alone, and alone means without her.
Things are so damn normal and I think it's not fair. Why the hell are we paying taxes for? I want some action. but all the action I get is war war war. Our soldiers left Lebanon yesterday and the whole country is a little scared or happy, me..I don't understand politics, I just want the killing to end, enough.
reminds me of the song of Bob Dylan..the one which I wrote way back in here, I think I will put it again, it's my eternal motto I think.
actually it's 11:51 right now, at least that's what my silly computer says. My connection is so bad, I need to connect from another city which means a lot of money in day time...
yesterday a lot of people called me and questioned me about the horrible test of tomorrow, I didn't really know how to answer but still I don't know why they're asking me. but that's ok..if I can help, why not? err..and there was this stupid girl who called and said "do I bother U?" so I said "ehhh...yes..?!" so she giggled and said "well, that's ok, you know everything"
AH, girls.
I don't want to write anymore, it's useless. I should go back to my dear friends, they miss me of course- Bismarck and Abed...and I understand them-I guess every person would like the idea of the whole nation testing about him, but not everything is included, I actually don't know if they had a wife (or wives..) or children or..anything. Isn't that important?
time is flying by, I hate that word. I should make a list of all the words I hate, they should be locked at once.
sayonara, and good luck to me
if I won't say it no one will, and I think no one really reads what I write..which is good for them..they just don't know it because they don't know about my silly page. eitherway it's good for them.
for better and for worse
¢ Natalie ¢
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