I'm listening to a poppy song..it's so hot, I can feel my cells vaporize into little clouds of grouchy human figure. I feel myself turn into liquid, I wouldn't mind the swim right now tho, being solid made me feel everything so hard, if I am somewhere, I can't move quickly to another place, to a different position. But as liquid life are much more different, everything is changing, nothing stays the same. It depends how quick you are, what's your temperature and of course it demands no pre directions! the journey is settled in its way, no rules, only a smooth smooth .swim.
sometimes I think..what if I die and someone finds my nonsense? will anyone do with it anything? will anyone bother to read the damn lines? will anyone try to talk to me while I'm gone, the way they never did when I was so alive?
anyway...
I always read Odelya one of Keret's stories before we go to sleep. And it feels so good to share it with her, it feels good that she wants to share these moments listening to my lips and their stories, yes it's not mine, but I tell them, and she listens. My beautiful wife listens, who would listen to anyone reading to him? But it's the most normal thing for us, just as everything else we do and everything else we do is not normal, maybe it makes it normal for us, if it were normal, it would be not normal to us. Yes, the philosophy of normality.
So it's night, I bet the air is so good right now, I bet I could see my reflection in the air bubbles outside, I bet the moon is so beautiful. It's a shame that my curtain conceals it.
My parents are trying to convince me to go abroad with them. I don't want to, and the thing is - I wouldn't have wanted to even if my wife weren't with me (althought I can't imagine myself existing without her, never) - they insist on treating me like their little child. I'm 16 though, tiny when it comes to the world, but I have some right I believe, that's why I was born in this century, I couldn't live without these rights.
So this thing is not interesting, that's good because I don't feel interesting at all. Odelya has the most brilliant I've ever seen, that's one of the reasons I fell inlove with her, so she can always find genius things to say, my amazing wife- the only person who can make me laugh, laugh the way she makes me laugh. My genius wife...she's not aware of her mind, I'm hypnotized every day over and over again, and it's never enough, she will always surprise me with her wit and humor. There's only one Odelya, only one wife for me...I hope she sleeps tight..I love her. I love her so much.
I will go now, I'm soooo tired. I always go to sleep so late and wake up early as a matter of a habit. It's so bad since it makes me so tired during the day. It is such a wasted situation- tiredness, it makes everything so wasted. Our moments then mustn't be important, if they were, it would have been planned differently.
we sleep too much
good night anyway, good night to me of course (no one reads it, hey, I'm not bothered)
I really hope she will be ok. I love my sister, despite it all. because of it all.
No, really... when I was on the plane to and from places...I always thought what will be if someone will find my pure little diary, I always wrote in the front "no one's allowed to read BuT ...." I also included my dog in the least of the ones who are allowed to read. I wrote my family there too...heh, I was just a terrified little girl I guess...today I wouldn't imagine doing that.
I have just seen "Dawson's" and it was such such such an adorable episode!!! Finally after a long time of expectation, it moved me. I don't know why I mentioned it..oh well. I started watching it about a year ago..even more than a year. whoo how time flew by, and how corny that statement gets...
Tomorrow I'm going to sign myself to school again. Like if I didn't, they wouldn't sign me...you can't escape it. 2 more years to go, that's a big "wow". and a big fear. I've taken the hard way in everything. School will be the most difficult on me because I didn't let it loose, Odelya and me.. next year she might not have money and then I really don't know how will we talk, the telephone is our only yearnful communication now, and again why? money is the reason. I envy the ones who money come so easily to, just reach your hands and gather the bills... but I don't come from the promised land, yet I've got some promises and none was kept.
Today I was at my grandparents' house. I will come there again. it always makes me feel like I'm timeless and they're the only ones with time in their hands. They're 87 and 86, they were communists, they were judged for it, they were idialistic - we are all idialistic until it becomes reality.
Etgar Keret wrote a story about the material which from dreams are made. 2 guys went to Thailand in the story, a man told them to put that thing on their eyes and suddenly they dreamt beautiful dreams about what can happen when they get back, about how everything will turn around, about the beautiful life they're going to have, life which replace the rotten ones before. one dreamt about the big money from it, and the other dreamt about how his girl is coming back to him after she told him that she doesn't want him. When they got back, after they bought tons and tons of that material, they got screwed up. it worked only on them. The guy who wanted the money was so depressed, so dead. The other has just received an invitation for his ex girl's wedding. Then he wanted to forget, he put that material on his eyes, but it didn't work even on him at that moment. he still prefered to leave his eyes open.
I saw a movie today from 1935, it was so great, I usually don't watch these kind of films..but the lack of colors was really enjoyable. When it's simple and naive it gives you the distance from the day's ugliness...I loved it. Tomorrow I will probably forget what it was about. But the point is never about the movie, it's about that feeling that nothing can catch, even not the finest camera..
I'm torturing myself while writing right now, I'm dead tired. My princess went to sleep and I decided to finish this, because I don't want my memory to betray me later on, and I will surely forget this day, as I do with everything else in my life. all my memories are traumas, just as all my dreams are nighmares. The good things don't show up, they're hiding in a safe place in the brain. The bad things always want to show up, maybe because I only try to kick them out of my brain cells, but lately I believe it's because something bad is going on in my head, is and was, always. Where are the good things? faded? impossible, in my life I will try to look for these lost things, and I swear by this to me, I will find them. I have all the equipment, I just need to work it out and discover how to make it function.
my throat is aching again
My sister has foudn a lump under her arm
and everything as usual is on its order..
Tomorrow I'll read my Yonatan Geffen's book, he's remarkable.
isn't it amazing how moments go on without caring about what was before?