...sister is going to the USA today...
...Father has just yelled at me not to talk on the phone...
...Everyone is so pissed off today...
I think it's in the air
I can't hear anything, my ear is really problematic..who knows...I am striking, no doctors for me. they can always find something wrong with you, next think I know I'll sit on a dark bed and wait for my next shot..no blood, at least not today.
On wednesday we're starting a 3 weeks vacation, oh it's such an ideal break through..but I feared this time. It seemed so long ago.. where was I when the days passed by? At my usual yearning view spot, how I desire to be with my love, I will burn in my own fire, I will caress every hedgehog's thorns, I will ache in my journey..but if it comes, I shall go through all of this, no acid can melt me- With love in my hands, I'm unbeatable.
I'm in my journey now, going from land to land, learning every nation's flag, wondering why did they choose these exact colors to describe themselves. On my flag there are only white and blue, two blue stripes and one star of David in the middle. It symbols so much, and I think that our anthem speaks for all who died and lived for this country, it blows with their souls and sends the venturer spirits to our mouthes as we sing and find our vent into our noble land. I will look for a translation in English but..our language carries some sea shells of our past in it, and only that language can express the spirit of ours.
No one is making a big deal out of my sister's going. Everyone is so tensed though, my father is so furious, it's so scary when he's like that, I'm sure that in every moment he'll come to my room and chop my head. He did worse than that tho. but it has passed with my sand. I told my mom that I'm going to Tel Aviv (that's the city of Odelya and Yael) for the weekend and she started to make faces and tweeted about how weird are my visits in there. She's so damn PETTY, why can't she let me do what *I* want? I suffer for the whole damn year studying and she doesn't care, for once I want to do what I love most , just be away of my house, she should know that..but it's "weird" to her. I need to be cool though, I don't want her to think that she's getting to me,
disguise.
And the roses on our table are husky and the mod in this house is bubbly..I think it'll explode in any minute. I feel like I'm in this hell forever, can't do what I want. Is it my fault that I have to study? I wish I could work a bit, earn some money and let my worms out, I want to be out of my cave and stand up, just raise myself up, stand straight, feel my toes touching the air and fly. Usually nestlings don't want to leave their homes but me, I want to be liberated.
I was writing to a special girl once called Anita, we called ourselves soulmates and we shared every pain with the other. When she found love almost a year ago, we got a bit farrer, I felt she's going away from me..and now finally I understand what was she feeling, and I am sorry for letting her slip away, I'm thinking about her quite a lot, I call her and then I hang up..I just want to do something, she meant something to me once, and I can't throw us away, not when it's my fault for breaking this relationship. I'm not so sure that she was wrong..maybe the two of us. I never found what I needed near by, always by letters, stamps and ink. It is suddenly warm outside, my room doesn't look like the French revolution anymore, it's just messy..but I can recognize the table that is out there in the tumult of my books' seething. ah, I actually heard Kate Bush on the radio today, maybe they got mad or something..it never happened before, so I thought it might be a good start for the day. In my class me and some girls figured that I was a lion (not a lioness surprisingly) in my past-life and the rest..well we have a chimp, a cat (Marina), a Giraffe, a rat (that girl I hate most) and some undefined things that we believe were desk objects or plain tables. Not that I believe in any of this sweet shit, it's just that I have no idea what DO I believe in, maybe in nothing..I guess it counts for something. It has to. But I do believe in some things...hmm...everytime someone mentions the word "believe", everyone thinks of god, and I think that it means that there is something to question about in this case, that's why everyone's asking, they're not sure or maybe they're in their fight mood. Last year they gave us a questionnaire about the bible, if we think it's holy, important etc. etc. and I do respect that colorful book, it's pretty interesting I think, so I wrote "yes, it's important" but "no, it's not holy". The questionnaire was anonymous. So in the class our bible teacher came and told us about the results, that there are 4 people who say it's not holy and all the rest said it is. So she asked "what is holy?" and no one could answer. I have to say that I won't say that something is red if I never saw that color..don't you think? how I loved that teacher, she was an angel, a savior, one of the few special people in this world. I even wrote her a letter in the end of the year..but that's a sad story, she got fired and went away, I miss Hadas, she's quaint, she's so wonderful. I guess she still is, I don't write "was" because the fact that I can't talk to her doesn't mean she's not special..it's just their fortune to be with her and me, she gave me some of her loving touch and then, faded. she still jingles in my ears sometimes, but I don't have a *need* to talk to her, yet I would love it.. last time I saw her was in the beginning of the year. She wore a long skirt and her hair was tied up in a hat. I never saw her this way, she didn't dress up like a religious woman, but she always glowed, even beneath that heavy hat. Once she had a long braid, it was blond, and she always had this sensible look, it could cut feathers, it was so soft and so loving, she loved every single thing. When I said in that lesson that I don't believe in god as everyone sees it and that the bible is not holy to me, then our road was curving together, she was interested in what I had to say, I guess I said some real things at the time, then I knew my beliefs. the first time I saw Yael I thought that she has so much of that bible teacher in her. At the second time we met I told her and she said "how insulting" and I tried to explain her what a compliment it is, it's beyond compliment, it means she's so special. When I look at her I remember that teacher's special look...I don't know..sometimes she reminds me of her. I am sad that she left. At that day when we saw her all modest in her closing clothes, she asked for my e-mail. She never wrote, who knows..maybe she didn't get the right address...I will never know. but I promise me this that one day I will go and find her, I need to thank her again for what she has been for me, one day..that is my prophecy.
falling lashes, where do they go? everyone asks for something and hopes that the lash will carry his wish, but where will it? is it one big place with multicolored lashes? I never asked with lashes, I asked with my eyes. You know, when we woke up and we have these little things in our eyes when we open them, so in the past I used to blow them and ask for being loved, being good. And now I don't do it anymore, I think that most of my wishes are fulfilled- love I mean, and that's all one can ask for.
But my mom has another belief. Everytime she makes chicken, she takes one special part out, she comes to me and we hold both sides, we wish for something in our hearts and break it, whoever gets the bigger part will get her wish... today I wished and I got it. It's hard to explain it, but maybe it works, maybe my mom should change it, for some it works with lashes, for some with eye tears, for some with chicken sticks...but if you never get what you want, maybe you need to find something else, your own, maybe another god, someone else to blame or ask for whatever you want...
On my way back I heard some classical music in the folk bus of mine, and I imagined where did it get from, I was really excited but..I figured one true and sad fact now, the only way of people in here to get a bit closer to the world's supreme culture is to stand near an ice-cream truck and just..lick the notes down.
I start putting my favorite stories on, I want to build me walls of familiar loves. if it's mine, they're oughta be here, and if anyone's reading these lines- take your time and read them, they're very clever. I don't read garbage..
X
