I haven't written in quite a while. I actually thought that I won't write in here again. but situations change, or maybe I just wanted to wave my hand and say "hey you, guess what? I'm alive".
There have been so many horrid crises, it seems like they're deep in silence but anyday everything can come up and destroy my whole rebuilt soul, or whatever you call what's left of my poor heart's aching.
School is on, full power. difficult, irritating, but I'm doing ok I think, at least for this very moment I am ok. plus- Xena is back on air and I'm studying the Russian revolution of 1917, so it really can't get any better than this....
yes, I'm exaggerating..but everything's allowed now, we can be god if we want, nothing can prove us wrong. And there are lots of thoughts running through my mind, chasing one another, paving their way within my curved forest, lots of final truths, some wisdom, some understandings, new way of seeing things, and well...lots of colors in a big wide rainbow.
I have this distance between me and myself, something which is very clear in my eyes..I don't let myself feel all the way beneath my skin because I just can't get hurt more than I was. She can leave me if she wants, I'll try to keep my head up high, although it's only an illusion obviously but I'll think that way until the circumstances reveal the ugly truth infront of my face.
During that time of sinking into the deepest gutters, there have been people who helped me appreciate life only a little more than death. death is still charming of course, Giger shows it with his holy HeLLworshipping but I'm not trying to be the perfect describer..and it has been a while since I took my old dear dictionary and checked in to see what's new, how much rent does it owe me. But now I'mgliding through air, up up up, touching the smoky clouds with my hair (which is red right now, I really love it..) and many statements of mine pass my brain and I wonder whether I still believe in them. Of course I'm still against smoking, drinking, asceticism or vein bleeding,but some of my thoughts seem so meaningless...meaningless hate towards the wrong people, meaningless feeling towards meaningless people, and I think I figured all these things by being meaningless myself, or at least thinking of myself as one. Right now I think I am in a sweeping process, sweeping all the junk I amassed through the year/s, it's time to heal, oh yes. I just hope I have enough in me to do it. At this point I'm not disappointed of anyone because right now I have no expectations from anyone; that's one of the most logical things I've understood, that I can't expect anything from anyone, because I see things so differently, my moral state is different, and so is my world.
I'm good the way I am, being calm, living life a minute after minute, no rush. no need to go around the clock, no bungee jumping...
I don't know if I write, but if I do..happy me..hehheh, such a nice picture I have in there.

so what do you have to know? umm...
- Math is killing my bones, without Math I could be a happier person. Eitherway..
- Congratulations Tori! Tamar said that her baby girl is so lucky to have her as a mom, and I really think she's right! that's one of the happier things you don't hear on the news, anyway it was happy 5th of september for the world.
-My hair looks cool with a dark shade on it..I have to say a special word to Ayelet..she doesn't really know what she did, but her happy voice made me happy also. And it made me think differently, you see darling? I am progressing again :)
- I want some "Belle and Sebastian" CD's...:) don't have the money tho.....

- I like Black again...well..it's a nice color!!! :)
- I don't want to be a soldier...soon I'll get the army's first call for me..blah!!!!! - I don't like people now either..but I'm trying to be a little big more positive :)

----Tomorrow I'm getting my final grade on last year's history horror!!!!! whaaa!!!
An addition from the day after: I got 97 in history and 98 in hebrew grammar :), less things to smother from...

BE GOOD

X

Tamar, Leah and Leslie - thank you. and I think you know what I mean when you look into our hearts and find out the whiteness you brought in me...I'll kiss the rain whenever I need you :)