It is morning right now, another saturday, my eyes are barely open and my heart pumps only when he feels like it. I know that a "heart" is not a "he" but..it should be. oh stupid English grammer...after they told me that a baby is an "it" I decided to organize my own mutiny.
Today I have to study, again. I didn't recover from my last test and now again I'm at home..but I can't study, I have no patience for this horror. I think that when it's enough then it's enough!!!!
I've just noticed that today is the 1st of April. I guess I should lie, shouldn't I? ah..I never understood this day, why would one fool another..why today... I'm so happy that I'm not at school , they would have probably enjoyed this lying vacuum. here, at home, there's no one to lie to me. I can trust myself and the others..they never celebrate anything, not holidays and not today even. it's not an important day..I guess every day is important. it depends how you define "important"..stop it Natalie, you're giving me a head ache!
does anyone want to rent a room..?
that's funny to think *I* am rebelling..no one listens anyway and I don't make my whispers loud enough because this mutiny makes me idealistic..this darned word..can give you nothing but yesterday's beans.
As the years passed I have learned that there is not a noble bone in the people, they will sell themselves for society and there's no need to say more because society is the worst subjugation, society makes you lose your features until you are so pale and you become its ugly mirror.
I see people everyday, and the girls often have on their faces the most patronizing look, they want everyone to bow infront of them. They comb their hair because they want everyone to feel its silky poison, they make their faces so bright so everyone will be dazzled by their whiteness, with every smile they take another one under their spell, a mirage of evil it is, and no one knows.. they say white is good, they're going after them blindly. Yes, it is wonderful to look at them (not to me..not to me..), they're incentive to the low self esteem and they make you closer to .god. - I guess now it's obvious why I don't see in them something, I don't want to be closer to god..gee..I heard it's very hot in there.
Under their show and extreme conceit there's a black face and a black soul which is empty..the only reason they're so white is because all the light is returned. No light would want to live in their black roses..and I don't understand how can people, and oh how stupid they are, love these creatures with no soul in their eyes.
The eye can't be the illusion, it never lies. oh I forgot- contact lenses.
I think that they are executioners, they choke their crowd because they want to feel supreme..while the other one is getting pale, they have more blood in them. it's disgusting. I never laugh from their stupid comments (cynical usually that try to show their "wisdom" or their horribly serious face) so they don't like me at all.
And I am so so so so thankful for that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I put Tori, "under the pink", the most beautiful thing.. I try to type quietly, I don't want to miss any sigh. oh I will be deaf with my high volumes and it's not good. I think that the hearing sense is the most important one..if you're deaf you're not so human, you hear nothing, you have no connection to the world, bunch of shapes and colors are dancing infront of you and you can't feel anything for them. you have no music, no sirens, no loud, now low, no laughter, no cry. I think that it's like being dead..but I don't know..haven't been dead yet.
It's so warm outside but it feels horrible, yesterday it was so beautiful..wow. I didn't go outside though, didn't have anyone to go with and it's dangerous to go alone. But I'm a night creature, to be a night creature doesn't mean (for me) that you can stay awake for a long time, it means that in the night you feel like you're at home, with your real mother- the wind and your real father- the dark. The wind is my favorite of all nature powers, I can flow with her and I can play her music in my ears and I can just....rustle with her sweeping arms. Once I used to go outside on Friday night for hours. I went with one friend and we used to philosophize while we were sitting on children swings, the wind told me what to say, I felt the best. We ran and felt so free...I can barely remember the divine feeling, the one friend was necessary, in 2 it's more private and real. I loved it. They disappeared somewhere and I can't just walk...
and my Odelya is so far from me to hold my hand...who will walk with me? everyone is so far.
Finally me and Yael are good, the sweetness is in us again. I think I needed her company, finally I felt some life in me so I knew that she has life in her, she didn't like me so much when I was dead..but now I'm ready to make (a difference? *s*) it healthy, I don't know why did we let it become so loose but no more.
Trent & Tori - "past the mission" - heh heh..I never noticed he's there until I read the album cover..
I have to say that I was listening to Madonna a lot in these few last days. I listened to her "ray of light", it's such a remarkable piece, it makes me feel so good, it opens my lungs.... windy after all.
I think I need to cut my hair, it's annoying me...oh..why do I say it? long live long hair. this weather is really depressing and the cigarettes smell is rising through my door slot, I cough and I cough and it doesn't go away. My father has to stop smoking...but he never understands..he never cares..and I saw how lungs of a smoker look like (ugh..not such a lovely expirience...), I guess no one wants anyone to take care of him, so'll be it, everyone will take care of themselves... no trust in this world.
Suddenly I am a bit hungry...damn this food... I will look like a house in no time..