Husband: A male who is joined with you in holy matrimony and has a certificate to prove it. (Yes, you need the certificate, love is irrelevant…I love chocolate, see my point?)

Wife: A female that is joined with you in certified holy matrimony.

Note to all: The two above definitions describe the only people on this list that you are allowed to have sexual relations with. Listen up, Kentucky.

Daughter: The female result of the night your genetic material meshed with that which belonged to a member of the opposite sex. (Speaking of sex…it is dangerous and this is why)

Son: An XY chromosome you are partially to blame for.

Mother: The person (likely female) who gave birth to you.

Father: The person (male) who had relations with the aforementioned ‘Mother’ approximately nine months previous to when she gave birth to you. If more than one person falls into this category, your life is sad. Do not seek a paternity test, just move.

Sister: A female who has the same Mother and father as you.

Brother: A male (often annoying) who has the same Mother and father as you.

Sister-in-law: A female that is married to your brother or a female that shares your husband’s parents.

Brother-in-law: (1) A male that is married to your sister. (2) Your husband’s brother

Half-Sister: A female who has the same Mother or father as you.

Half-Brother: A male who has the same Mother or father as you. (If they have the same mother and father, see BROTHER and pay attention from now on, dammit.)

Maternal Grandmother: The female that gave birth to your mother.

Maternal Grandfather: The male that was married to your grandmother nine months before the birth of your mother. (At least cross your fingers and hope)

Paternal Grandmother: The female that gave birth to your father.

Paternal Grandfather: The male that pinched your cheek when you were young. You know, the old guy. (This should also be your father’s father, by the way)

Great Grandmother: Mother of a grandmother or grandfather (should be female)

Great Grandfather: Father of a grandmother or grandfather (should be male)

Aunt: (1) A female that shares your mother or father’s parents (2) A female that is married to your mother or father’s brother.

Uncle: (1) The brother (yes, male) of your father (2) The brother of your mother (3) The husband of your aunt. Note: If someone matching this description is also either your husband or father, please seek immediate help and move north. Thank you.

1st Cousin: The son or daughter of your aunt or uncle. Legally, you can marry someone of this description if you are in Canada…but do observe Canada before you make any such life changing (child mutating) decisions.

1st Cousin, once removed: (1) The son or daughter of your 1st cousin (2) The 1st cousin of your mother or father (this is not a second cousin)

1st Cousin, twice removed: (1) The son or daughter of your 1st cousin, once removed aka your cousin’s grandchild (2) The 1st cousin of your grandmother or grandfather (draw a map if you wish)

1st Cousin, three times removed: (1) The son or daughter of your 1st cousin, twice removed or your cousin’s great grandchild (would make you old as sin) (2) The 1st cousin of your great grandmother or great grandfather (dead or cranky)

2nd Cousin: The son or daughter of your mother or father’s 1st cousin (no exceptions)

2nd Cousin, once removed: (1) The son or daughter of your 2nd cousin (2) Your mother or father’s 2nd Cousin

2nd Cousin, twice removed: (1) The son or daughter of your 2nd cousin, once removed aka your cousin’s grandchild (2) The 2nd cousin of your grandmother or grandfather

2nd Cousin, three times removed: (1) The son or daughter of your 2nd cousin, twice removed or your cousin’s great grandchild (you will die soon) (2) The 2nd cousin of your great grandmother or great grandfather (dead, but don’t worry, you don’t know them)

3rd Cousin: The son or daughter of your mother or father’s 2nd cousin. You are part of the same generation and share the same great great grandparents.

I am not going any further, figure it out yourself.

That which I did not address:

Step-siblings: They are not related to you, but this does not mean you can kill them.

The “Aunt/Sister/Wife” that is technically your “Uncle/Brother/Ass fucker”…I didn’t mention this because it repulses me.

3rd Cousin, six times removed: I wanted to stop while I was ahead.

Live-in lover situation: Grow up, you have to be married for it to count.