Mail Call

(and people wonder why I do this)

INTRODUCTION:

My most recent piece of hate mail, which inspired me to bring back the Palace:

Hi. I was stumbling around live journal and found your atrocious journal. You have got to be one of the biggest fools I have EVER seen. Most of the stuff doesn't even make sense to people who don't know you. And where's the birthday, where you live, etc? Do you live in fear? Then I saw you had a website. Oh man, oh man, oh my goodness! Why do you expect people to worship you? An "empress"? PUHLEASE! I think you need a lesson in humbleness. You must have grown up spoiled. What a little baby you are. Thank God this miserable excuse for a website of yours is seemingly shut down. Do you have ANY friends? I wouldn't think so because you are too annoying and arrogant.

My Response:

It isn't good to judge people without knowing the facts. From reading this e-mail, I would guess that you aren't particularly intelligent, have little to no sense of humor, have a tendency to blame others for your own problems, and are looking for a fight. All of these things are common in males of 14, which is where I would place your age. Clearly, just by reading something you wrote, I should not make such harsh judgments. My mother taught me to behave with more courtesy and respect for others. I'm sure your mother must have died early, or she may have mentioned it to you as well. So I will simply behave as my mother taught and answer your questions.

1. I did not write my birthday or where I live because the night I got my live journal was the early morning of September the 12th. I had other things on my mind.

2. No, I would not say I lived in fear.
3. I do not require, expect or enjoy being worshipped.
4. Yes, I have friends. I have the honor of knowing many people that would die for me and I would do the same for them. Since I am not in the arrogant or annoying habit of insulting someone I do not know, apparently all twenty-one of my closest friends put up with me. If you would like to write back to apologize for your rudeness, feel free.

Otherwise, have a Merry Christmas.
Amanda

Apparently, I wasn't up to dealing with bratty children that day, but I'm always in the mood to hear good things, like the next few:

Hallo. I saw your beautiful pictures on the web. Lovely, AND VERY NICE. Who are you naked virgin? Are you an ICQ'er? My number is ********. If not , it would be nice to mail with you. I'm a man from Norway, southern part.

i'm impressed. your page is great. i love it. smart, entertaining and funny. ~smiles~ there. i said it. be proud. and sleep well

/liten Amanda;
I must say that you have a very mesmerizing web site. I think I have been browsing through it for close to two hours now. It is obvious you have put a great deal of time and effort into it. Whatever prompted you to begin such a task? And is everything you say factual? (Other than the obvious, of course.) Even though you seem to avoid an in-depth look into your personal life? But then, that is smart, as there are plenty of "techy" weirdos out there, I am sure. If you care to respond, I can be reached via email at somewhere@notshowing.net. (I just happen to be at a friends tonight.) Again, very interesting site. I find I have enjoyed it greatly. I shall take the address home with me. Thanks for entertaining me!!!

Usually you only get the next two in chats, but I had a lucky week:

are u really naked!!

No.

E-mail #2: (same person, a few days later)

are u really naked!!

Well, now I am, yeah...

Just wanted to let you know that I enjoyed your website. I ended up there by accident--I was looking for someone else's. The photography is great, enjoyed the commentary. Unfortunately, I need to get back to work, so I'll have to take a look another time to enjoy the rest. Good luck in your endeavors. I'm sure you'll find much success.

I'm saying yes to the fact that that all the things you said about the poor zap from Alabama are correct he is guilty of all those things. And the story he gave you the pics its just a lie he uses them to spank his monkey (sorry for that but you have to admit that is a pretty lousy story.
Email me back if you can at takeaguess@hotmail.com my  yahoo messenger name is CENSORED. Talk to ya" later.

Hello,    I am a painter who has a bad cold. I can not sleep and am surfing along. I do not know how I came to the Palace but am glad I had the experience. You have a good nature and I am glad you know Jesus. Love your wit!                                            The Master's Painter

hey? what is this sight all about? please repley

Hey,       I really want to tell you your site kicks. like.  anyway... glad to see there are some good CrAzY people like yourself out and about!  i think you rule, AMERITECH *#&^$*@&^#*@&#^*&^$@ ing (*@^$(*@#&(@*&# ers *&^#@$*&@^# and you can fill in the blanks i'm sure.  phone service... is there anything more ULCERATING?!?  can't live without a phone, no one wants their "value packages", what are we getting charged for?  where does our money go?!?!?! must be all that great customer service that costs me sixty bucks a month for two lines and NO longdistance.  the best is knowing that i pay for them to pay a telemarketer to call me up and try to sell something else to me that i don't need.  it grates me.  i could go on for hours. F'ers.  ok whew mellow, it'll be ok it'll be alright they call me mellow yellow** HAVE A NICE DAY **  

That one was just funny.

SO YOU HAVE READ THE BIBLE NOW THAT INTRIGUES ME .MAYBE YOU ARE AN INTERESTING WOMAN AND WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A DISCUSSION .

CAPS: The general rule on this? Don't.

Aww, come on..naked virgin, empress, queen or whatever the f#@!! you call yourself! You actually expect people to be interested in that shitty site of yours?? I was looking for exceptional website design and somehow the search engine churned up your pile of crap!! PLEASE stop occupying precious space on the world wide web to display your crap. Oh yeah, whoever told you that you were good looking needs to be shot!!, I've seen prettier things at the bottom of my toilet bowl!,...about the perfect guy of yours, I think that you are aiming a little to low ya know, with your beauty and all that...maybe you should try mountain climbing as a new hobby and if you're lucky you might stumble across the abominable snowman. Better still why not take a trip to the local zoo and find some apes which may be interested!!! Your photography is the only thing I can credit you upon, it's quite exceptional. Anyway get rid of the bullshit site so that you don't waste the 30 minutes of another surfer. Mrx.

How long does it take to hit Alt+F4? Exactly.

I've been on the internet for about three years....i have never run across a site more informative, or entertaining. Your pictures....anyone can capture an image, your photos took me there to that moment in time, i could almost hear the the shutter snap !! Thanks

Almost makes me want to dust off my camera.

i just wanted to commend you on your creativity.your website is one of the strangest ive ever accidentally stumbled upon. please excuse the lack of capitals,and certain punctuation. im rather lazy when it comes to typing...

It is good to see someone is paying attention to my pet peeves.

Hello,   My name is Floppy (name changed to protect...I don't know, but something). Funny way to start an e-mail, I know. I somehow went to you site by accident, yet I stayed for a little while. Enjoyed the commentary, althouth I do not always have a lot of time to spend on the internet. I di want to tell you that the pictures I have seen are very good, and you are the Empress. I would however like tro ask you one question. Why do you say or write on your website that you are afraid? From the little I have read and seen, you seem to be very happy as well as talented. I guess I am just curious. I know that I do not type e-mails very well, so tommorow you will probably be-head me, but I am still curious about that. Good luck with the site. I got the poll question right by the way. An all-around kick ass woman. I am happly married so do not take that the wrong way!

Hello, I came across your website and enjoyed it very much Empress. Perhaps we could chat sometime. I would certainly like to know more about you. :)

I bet you would.

GODDESS, do you accept e-mail from submissive males that will serve YOUR NEEDS and will suffer under YOUR FEET for any poor conduct,if so PLEASE reply and TELL THIS slave what will be required

How about a tylenol?

Nice page

what is ur problem?! u are giving women all over bad names! now all men are going to think we are like you and we are all naked and all virgins! ur so stupid! my b/f saw ur page and he was all over me! how could u do such a thing?!!! rage against the machine, baby!!!!!!!

No need to thank me or anything...

yer beautiful

I like this one. Open, honest, and to the point.

I probably fit what you say right there for the perfect guy but I would never go out with you. You struck me as being very interesting and having the same thoughts and interests that I do. Even the same writing style. But now I see that you are a self-centered, looks-only type of woman. If you're looking for a guy with looks, don't worry you'll get him. There's plenty of guys with looks. However there aren't that many with gray matter between their ears, and the good looking smart ones will run from you like the plague. I'm not lecturing you, and it's not that I don't like you; I can't say that because I don't know you. I am just saying that the standards you put for men could be laxer and have a little more meaning other than HAIR: natural color, no gel, shorter than mine Because if that's all that you're looking for, then that is all that you'll get.

Makes you wonder what's wrong with their body, doesn't it?

how about pictures of britney spears and christina auguliara naked

http://www.google.com

HI:   Honestly ,I think you ask for to much, that makes you shallow and looking at your picture, you don't offer enough.   Hope you don't right back soon  

Me

 

My Response:

Thanks for reminding me, Me... I need someone who can spell.

I think you ask for TOO much.

Hope you don't WRITE back

He did:

Did it HURT!!!!!, cause you WROTE back, not only I can't spell, I can't barely speak English, I do however speak two other languages,but of course you couldn't even phantom that idea, farther proof of your shallowness.

Painful to read, I know. I replied:

So...you read the surface, missed the point, and came up with the conclusion that I am shallow. I hope that you can "phantom" why I find this amusing. The Empress

If you are under the age of 13, please don't read this next one. Actually, if you are under the age of 13, go ride your bike.

... you're a loon, 'Goddess', but you've a nice smile and frankly luscious breasts, accrding to the photo in the black top. Also, you chose a cute little girl as your subject on the res, and cute girls please me. Other than that, you've a high enough opinion of yourself (smiling), and I like that too... so based on your smile, and breasts, and the little res cutie, and even your page, I guess I'll adore and worship you, yadda yadda yadda...

This next person is what I can only describe as insane:

That is the biggest waste of internet space I personally have ever seen.......what a trash concept/////////////////do yourself a favor and go design a site that sells cybernet coffins......crawl in one and become the best that you will ever be......fodder for the inventive, creative and ingenious minds that make the net the place to be.........with out you.......... Slaambo

I responded:

I am sorry that you were unable to properly understand and appreciate the Palace. Please download a sense of humor for a more pleasurable visit.

The Empress

He responded to my response:

A visit to what? You think that just because you have a web page full of deginerative photos of women - and that I do not appreciate the fact that you have solicited me in a most unwelcomed manner - and that I totally reject your scum bag methodology that I need more sense of Humor? Please - why don't you try downloading a little more decency ...... and respect for others......seems to me that that is where the real voids lay..........you scum bag.......I really hope for your sake that you are not a women yourself sending this crap out......you scum bag.............

Then I linked him to the Palace, since he had never seen it.

greetings, i found yer site while diggin' around on angelfire.i loved it. i'm werkin' on my own right now and wanted to know if i could link to yers? mine is very much under construction but i hope to have a decent page soon. anyway feel free to drop by and peruse the little bit that i have. or icq me and we can talk. i promise i'm not a nut, or, not much of one. thanks.

If you can find my link to his site, you know my response. If not...you still do.

Hey goddess, Just thought I would send you a short note to let you know I just visted and enjoyed your site very much.It's like really out there but then that's to be expected of gods you know. :)

Okay.

Dear nkdvrgn,     

I can understand why you are a virgin. Your cry for validity makes me ill. You obviously don't have a life if you can justify this total waste of time on selfindulgence. Why don't you take off your cardboard tiara, cross your self imposed moat, and get a grip on reality.

the Key Master

Sadly, I no longer have my response to what I still find a particularly entertaining e-mail, but this is what I heard back:

Dear Goddess,

My sending you an email would be both ironic and hilarious, only, if I had spent countless hours in doing so.      

Certainly, your sex life is your business. Likewise, what you do with your free time is entirely up to you. However, I seriously question if the majority of visitors to your web site find it amusing. Condescension, however well intended, is rarely met with mirth.       

Fortunately, I live in a democracy, and not a feudal matrix. If I want satire, I can exercise my right to read Swift.
your emotional and intellectual superior,
the Key Master

I must be a rare creature indeed, for this condescension made me laugh my ass off.

Just a note to let you know I visited and enjoyed your well designed and creative website.  I passed by purely by chance, and I'm glad I did. Mike

r u really a naked virgin? thats really gross. y would u make a whole website about urself being naked and being a virgin? i dont think anybody really cares accept perverted men or something. anyway, i just think its really pointless making a pointless website about a pointless subject. i mean, if i were still a virgin, I wouldnt make a website about it because it would probably just attract porn sellers and stuff like that. i bet u get a lot of mail from porn sellers or them telling u 2 go 2 their porn sites. i bet u do. and even if u deny it i bet u still do just because u made about yourself being a naked virgin. people reading ur material are probably sitting their thinking that u r really sitting at your computer anked. typing away like some naked idiot. but of course, u arent naked (i hope) and really making a website about being a naked virgin. why would u want 2 flaunt ur virginess anyway? i know i dont mostly b/c im not...anymore. but i would suggest u take down ur website 4 ur own sake. i mean, ur not a naked virgin, afterall.

I don't know what I would do without her kind advice.

Dear Virgin Goddess,

Too late! One look at your lovely body and I started lusting immediately. And I thought that I was the only white person with full, sexy, pouty lips. Girlfriend, you ARE FINE!!!! Where are you and who are you? Please respond truthfully. I am attaching pics of my own. Tis only fair that I do so. So, I hope you like them. Good night, gorgeous. Do reply to thesicko@ishmail.com. Okay?

Lusting mightily,

*****

PS. Is the guy a relative? He looks as if he is your brother or cousin.

PPS. Pardon my overactive sex drive. I DO actually have a brain.

The following picture was enclosed in the e-mail:

Moving On:

I would comment - however I wouldn't know where to begin. There is that part of me that feels I should pray for you and the lost soul locked within the confines of your being, and a selfish part of me that would love to harvest your energies into constructing a website to suite my interests. Which shall it be - . . . . hmmmm? I believe that I shall leave the question to you and the obvious many selves that comprise all that you are. Quite a fascination . . . somewhat confusing, yet - demonstrating potential talent .... I may have an opportunity for you to perform work on my behalf - If you are at all interested and up for this rather simplistic challenge - e-mail me back.

I felt my time would be better spent praying for his lost soul.

=^.^= GREETINGS , FUNNY, I MET SOMEONE IN CHAT WHO REFERED ME TO THIS SITE AND I FOUND YOU ... STRANGELY WE HAVE ALOT IN COMMON.

There may have been a decidedly cool person under all the CAPS, but I never found out.

This was one of the most classic e-mails ever and it was in response to my newsletter (a Reply-All, by the way)

E-mail #1:

I just want to say that I love you all and I hope that you are able to accept the fact that I am a homosexual.

E-mail #2:

Please disregard that last message.

 

i think this is the best and most original site i have seen so far, i rally enjoyed reading  "THE PERFECT GUY" part.      @--}--- 

I like her.

oh great and majestic empress where oh where is a picture of your grand and glorious self?

I put up pictures after this, but they are down again because of the speedo freak.

wow...... i dont know exactly what to say. Perhaps you can give me a suggestion....? I do admit...... i like the web page.Do you have anything else......or dare i ask...? thanks. :)

I'm a little lost here too.

What a bonehead you are to think about yourself as much as you do - you have my sympathy.

Finally, someone understands.

you seem like a very mean and nasty person, modesty is meant to be a virtue.

who gives a flying fuck about your bra size.

I would rather poke myself in the eye with a blade than ever be within a 10km radius of you.

They're Canadian.

My grand finale:
This resulted in execution, back in the day:

E-mail #1:

ur page totally sux!! why do we want 2 here a bout ur stupidity life anyway?

Speaking of stupidity...E-mail #2:

bye the way, my friend killed a guys in a car crash and it was cool! their was lots o blood and stuff

#3:

when my friend was in car crash, it was really cool! he called me in and when i got there, there was lots blood!! it was driping!! all over the place was bloodyness!]]

#4:

y did u block me of ur list? i m jist going 2 kep bothring u. wut do u men i am exucutd? wut the hel r u taking abot? il jist kep geting diferent email adresses. u cant stop me from bothrikng u

Anything I said at this point would just overstate the obvious.