Kenny Schrader, Ricky Craven and Jeff Gordon are walking along the beach and come across a lamp. Schrader grabs the lamp and as a joke he polishes it expecting nothing but to make a Aladdin joke. But to his surprise, out of the lamp appears a genie. He says, "Gentlemen, for freeing me of the lamp I will grant each of you a wish."
Kenny Shrader says immediately, "I want to be WINSTON CUP CHAMPION!!" and
Ricky Craven takes the lamp and although he'd like to be Champ, Kenny took it so he takes his second choice, "I would like to be- aaah, I would like to be..........I would like to be Quarterback for the Green Bay Packers , Let Brett Favre be my backup" and
Jeff Gordon picks up the lamp and rubs it and says , "I want to be just like Ala Scar Pipalini."
The genie looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Ala Scar Pipalini" replies the Boy Wonder.
The Genie shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The Rainbow Warrior then takes a newspaper out of his bag , whispers something to the Genie and hands the paper to the Genie. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to Jeff and says "No, this says 'Alaska Pipeline-- Laid by 1500 men in 7 days'! "
15
A track announcer finishes talking before the National Anthem and takes his 10 minute break before the race starts, and he forgets to turn off his microphone.
He says to the producer, "I think I'll go take a shit
and then let Jeff Gordon to give me another Blowjob."
Gordon hears it, starts running toward the booth and as he's jumping over the wall to get to the announcers booth to tell him the intercom is still on, He falls on his ass. A little old
lady looks down at him and says, "There's no rush, sweetie. He said he had to take a shit first."
16
Dick Trickle got so old that the other Nascar Drivers decided to put him in a rest-home. So Dale Earnhardt, Darrell Waltrip and Terry Labonte drove him to a high priced home and paid for it. So the first night Dick was there he got a raging hard-on and the nurse that was there saw it. She decided to do the old racer a favor and suck em off, so she did. The next day Terry Labonte came by and asked Dick how was his first night at the rest home went. Dick said he loved it there and never wanted to leave. The next day Dick fell over the bathtub. As he was lying there an orderly had just happened to be passing by and saw him bent over the tub, and so he quickly came up behind the winningest racer ever and engaged in anal sex. The next day Darrell and Dale came back to see Dick and asked him how he liked his second night at the resthome. Dick replied that he hated it there and that he wanted to leave. Earnhardt and Waltrip were surprised, especially how much Terry said he'd liked it here, "But Dick, Didn''t you tell Terry that you loved it here." In which Dick replied, "You don't understand, I only get a hard-on about once a month, but I fall down about almost everyday!"
17
BuckShot Jones was tired of being called a stupid redneck so he really wanted to go to college at The University of Alabama.
So one day, he and Hut Stricklin went to go check out the college.
Hut decided to wait in the car while Buckshot took a look around. Buckshot talked to one of the students there, and asked him what classes he needed to take. He told him he needed to take Math, Art and Logic. "What's Logic" Buckshot asked.
The student said, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"
"Yes" Buckshot replied.
"Then you must have a lawn", the student said.
Again Buckshot said yes.
"Then if you have a lawn you must have a house."
Buckshot said "Yeah buddy, I sure do got a house." .
"If you have a house, you must be married."
Buckshot told him "yep, a right purty woman".
"If you have a wife you must be a heterosexual."
Buckshot admitted he was a heterosexual after the student explained what it was.
"That's logic" the student told him.
Later, Buckshot returned to the car. Hut asked him what he thought. He told Hut that he
has to take Math, Art , and Logic. "What's logic?" Hut asked.
"I'll show you." Buckshot said. "Do you have a weed eater?",
"No." Hut replied.
So Buckshot replies, "Then you're a fag!"
18
Richard Petty , Ned Jarrett and Buddy Baker were talking about old times when they startred exchanging war stories. Ned talked about saving a group of civilians from a attack and getting a medal. Richard talked about all the money and valuables he saw burn to the ground and about the horrible wastes of war. But Buddy decided to talk about a sexual experience." Well, we was down in a foxhole and we was surrounded. But I had to piss really bad so I convinced the sargeant to let me go to a different foxhole and take a piss. So they laid down some fire so I could move to another foxhole. Well I fell into a hole with the sexiest naked lady I ever saw. " Ned and Richard say " well did you have sex with her?"
Buddy replies" DID I!!!?!?!?!?!, man O man, did we ever, first from the front then from the back, hell we did it for hours!"
Ned asks " Did she give you any head?"
Buddy Says"Head, Nah, I never found no head"
19
Derrick Cope and Ted Musgrave were picked up by the cops for public drunkenness and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of alcohol use and get them to give up alcohol forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, Derrick and Ted were in court, and the judge said to the Derrick, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up alcohol forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
![[IMAGE]](bigsmall.jpg)
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before alcohol use and this (small circle) is your brain after alcohol use." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up alcohol forever, and I mean all alcohol,hell, most of them swore off cough syrup too." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
![[IMAGE]](smallbig.jpg)
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison..."
20
Jeff Gordon is bragging of his newfound talent as a wine taster. He walks into Dale Earnhardt's retirement ball and boasts that he can "tell the year and vineyard of every beverage" put to the challenge of his pallete. They first test him with an zinfandel and Jeff quickly spurts out "Gallo 89" They test him with several other kinds of wine, soft drinks and coffees when finally they have had enough of his boistering. So Rick Mast runs to the bathroom and fills a cup with urine. They give it Jeff and he tastes it "its not a domestic" after a moment he spits it out and yells" DAMN IT !! YOU PEOPLE GAVE ME URINE!" To which the crowd replies "But whose ?!?!?!?!?"
21
How do you Castrate Jeff Gordon?
Kick Rick Hendrick in the Jaw.
22
How Do you Castrate Ray Evernham?
Kick Jeff Gordon in the Ass.
23
Jeff Gordon decides he's gonna tell his parents that he's gay, so he goes home and has a talk with his parents. He says to his Mother " Mom, I have to tell you a secret..... I'm gay". His Mother continues cooking and just says " Can you hand me that Sage". Jeff says " Mother, did you hear me? I said that I am a Homosexual". His mother just replies " Jeffy give me that paprika". Jeff finally turns his mother around and says " Mom, do you understand me, I am saying that I am gay!" His mother says" yes son, I hear you" Jeff says " you are alright with this?" She says " Let me get this straight, you put other men's penis's into your mouth?" Jeff says" Sometimes" So she turns to him and says " Well then, I don't wanna ever hear you complain about my cooking ever again!"
24
Jimmy Spencer and Jeff Gordon are riding out on a ranch in Texas and they come upon a across a hiefer that had her head stuck in the fence. Jimmy Spencer jumps right off his horse, hurries over to the hiefer, pulls down his pants and screws the cow for all its worth. When he finishes, he looks at the Jeff Gordon and says, "Your turn." With that Jeff jumps right off his horse, hurries over and sticks his head in the fence.
25
An escaped convict breaks into Derrick Copes' house and ties up Derrick and his wife, who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, Derrick turns to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispers, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Derrick, sweetie," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"
26
What is the difference between a carload of Gordon fans and a porcupine?
On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
27
An Race Team owner had money problems & had to layoff an driver, either Jack Sprague or Greg Sacks... He thought he'd fire the driver who showed up late to practice the next morning. Well, both drivers came in very early.
Then the owner thought he would catch the first one to scratch a car in practice. Unfortunately, neither driver scratched a car. Then the owner decided to see who drove the slowest lap - strangely, neither Jack nor Greg had a slow lap, they drove evenly and equally all day.
Then the owner thought he'd wait & see who would leave the track the earliest, and both drivers stayed late to improve their driving skill. Greg finally went to the dressing room & the owner went up to him & said, "Greg, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Greg says, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for picking up my wife at the Beauty Parlor."
28
Jimmy Spencer is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the bartender where's the bathroom at? The bartender said, go down the hall & make a right.
Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again. This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what Mr Excitement is screaming about. He opens the door and asks #23, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away." Jimmy says, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says,
"No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket!!!"
29
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. It was Jeff Gordon. He stood up and said, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
Compliments of Beth
30
A few of the Nascar drivers decide to go to a comedy show after a race So they go to see a ventriloquist. During the show a Drunken Geoff Bodine stands up and yells,"HEY YOU! ASSHOLE! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!"
"Relax" said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"
"I'm not talking to you, sir!" Geoff replied "I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"
31
Little Kyle Petty
One day at the end of class little Kyle's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
Last is little Kyle. "My Dad fought in the Korean war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Korean soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"
Teacher looks in shock at Kyle and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Kyle replies, "Don't fuck with 'THE KING' when he's been drinking."
32
Rick Mast's son was curious about some words he saw on the bathroom wall asked, "Mom, what's a pussy?"
His Mother remained calm, showed him a picture of a cat and said, "That's a pussy, son. A pussy is a kitty cat."
"What's a bitch, then?" inquired the precocious little tyke. Mom got the dictionary out and said, "See, the dictionary says a bitch is a female dog."
Not satisfied, he asked his father what a pussy was. Rick dutifully trotted out a Hustler from his sock drawer, drew a circle around the genital region and said, "That's a pussy right there, son. And a fine specimen it is, too."
"Well, what's a bitch, then?" asked the young Mast.
"That's everything outside the circle."
33
Jeff Gordon comes home in the evening from hunting, Brooke says "I want to go hunting with you tommorow!" Jeff says "Now honey, you always say that but you never get up ontime."
"I will this time" she pleads "I promise if I dont I'll give you a blow job." Jeff thinks about it and says "Ok but If you dont get up on time Im going to pleasure you in the ass TOO!"
She agrees and they go to bed. The alarm goes off bright and early and Jeffy jumps out of bed. Brooke is so tired, Jeff says "Im going outside to get the dogs ready and if your not up and ready to go when I get back....you know what that means!". "I know!" she says. She thought 'Im going to lie here for just a second'. Next thing you know here comes the Rainbow warrior unzipping his pants..."I CAUGHT YA!"
"Okay, Okay a deal is a deal" so she begins giving him a blowjob like she had promised................."HEY!" she says "I SMELL DOG SHIT!!!!!!!"
"Yeah, Them Dogs didn't want to get up either!!
34
A reporter is writing a story on behind the scene secrets of Dale Jarrett. So he walks over to Jeff Gordon and asks him about Dale Jarrett. He says "All I know about him is that he's got two assholes" The reporter looks at him with disbelief and walks over to Jimmy Spencer and Jimmy says the same thing " yeah, Dales got two assholes, I aint seen `em, but theys a real problem for him.". The reporter goes over to Dale Earnhardt's camp and is asking about Jarrett's two assholes when Dale sees Jarrett walking in with Jimmy Spencer and Jeff Gordon and says " Here comes Dale with those two assholes right now!".
35
Kyle Petty and Buckshot Jones are sitting in the garage late one night talking about different things when Buckshot asks Kyle what he got his wife for her birthday.
"I got her a brand new Lincoln Town Car and a 24-karat diamond ring", said Kyle. Buckshot, a very poor man, a bit confused by this, says "why in the hell did you get her both?"
Kyle replies, "I got her both because if she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back in her new car and exchange it."
After this, Kyle asks Buckshot what he got his wife for her birthday. Buckshot responds," I got her a pair of flip-flops and a vibrator." Obviously confused, Kyle asks why he chose those items. Buckshot replied, " Because if she don't like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself."
36
Jeff Gordon leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss Brooke off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds Rick Hendrick in bed with Brooke.
Later, back at the bar, Jeff tells the bartender the story, "Wow, that's awful, what did you do then?"
"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hitailed it back here, shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."
37
Jimmy Spencer shouted out, half drunk, "you all on the left side of the bar are cocksuckers and you all on the right side are motherfuckers." suddenly Jeff Gordon runs from the right to the left side of the bar. "Where are you going, squirt?" Jimmy asked. "I was on the wrong side of the bar, sir!" retorts the Rainbow Warrior
38
Jeff Gordon runs into a bar and orders 20 shots of tequila. The bartender asks him why. He replies that he is celebrating his first blow job. The bartender congratulates him, offering him 5 more shots for free.
Jeff Replies" No, if 20 shots don't get that damn taste out of my mouth, five more won't make much difference!"
39
Jeff Gordon and Rick Hendrick were doing it in the Rick's office, when Rick had to go answer a knock at the door. "Now don't ejaculate while I'm gone" Rick said. When he returned there was semen all over the desk, chair, walls, ceiling and floor. "I told you not to cum while I was gone!" he exclaimed. Jeff rolled over on his back and said, "I didn't, I farted!"
40
What is the smartest thing to come out off Jeff Gordon's Mouth?
Ray Evernham's penis.
41
Why Does Jeff Gordon Carry Shit in his wallet?
For Identification
42
Rick Hendrick goes to prison and is quietly weeping in his cell when his cellmate returns from work duty. He asks him whats wrong and Rick tells him of how he was living as a king just 10 hours ago but now he is in this prison cell and hes very depressed.
The Prisoner decided to cheer him up and says " listen buddy, it aint all bad here, do you like to play cards?" Rick looks up and says "yes". The Prisoner replies" well then, you'll love Monday night, we all get together and play cards, tell stories, watch movies, hell its an all night affair". Rick says "thats nice". The prisoner continues" you like to get drunk?" Rick says "sure thing!" "well you're gonna absolutely LOVE tuesday nights! We all get together and get tee-totally wasted!!!" Rick seems happier. The Prisoner finally asks" Do you like Gay sex?" Rick says "No". The prisoner responds " Well, I don't think you'll care much for Wednesday nights then!"
43
How can you tell if Jeff Gordon got a contract extension with Hendrick Motorsports?
All the belt buckle prints on his forehead that say 'stropsrotoM kcirdneH'.
44
Rick Hendrick steps out onto His offices lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the lawn, he sees "Rick is a ASSHOLE and a QUEER" written in urine across the snow.
Well, old Rick is pretty pissed off. He storms into his security office and yells, "Somebody wrote that I'm a ASSHOLE and a QUEER in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The damn Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the steps when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guards stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Rick hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security guard approaches him and says "Well Mr. Hendrick, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"
Rick says, "Oh Hell, give me the bad news first."
The guard says, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Ray Evernham's urine."
Rick says "Oh my god, I feel so.... so...betrayed! My number one crew chief! He's been with me forever and this is how he repays me! Damn..... Well, what's the really bad news?"
The officer replies "Well, it's Jeff Gordon's handwriting."
45
How does Jeff Gordon tell the difference between a bull and a cow in the dark?
He sticks his nose in the animal's ass...if there's a place for his tongue, it's a cow.
46
Jeff Gordon goes up to the bar in a quiet rural gay pub. He gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, he seductively signals that he should bring his face close to his.
When he does so, he begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the Manager?" the Boy Wonder asks, softly stroking his face with both of his hands.
"Actually, no," he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." he says, running his hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," he continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the restroom."
47
A hotel busboy looks through the keyhole of a suite that Jeff Gordon and Rick Hendrick are occupying and says, "Wowie..." A maid hears him, and pushes him out of the way for a look. She says, "Oh, my God..." Just then the maitre d' is walking down the hall, and has her get out of the way so he can have a look. He takes a look and says, "I can't believe he complained about a hair in his soup last night."
48
Jimmy Spencer's Wife went to the gynecologist and was told she was in perfect health and had the body of a 20 year old. She was so excited, she ran home to tell Mr. Excitement the good news.
"What about your fat ass?" Jimmy asked.
"He didn't say anything about you." she replied.
49
Mrs. Dale Jarrett hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there." That night, Mrs Jarrett tells Dale. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please, tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look." The next day, Mrs. Jarrett asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?" So Mrs. Jarrett pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Jarrett says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine." Dale says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
50
How Many Jeff Gordons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, Jeff Gordons only screw Hot & Handsome Hunks
51
On preparing to return home from an appearance on the Tonight Show, Jeff Gordon got a small puppy as a present for Brooke. Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy onboard, Jeff just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him onboard the airplane.. About 30 minutes into the trip a flight attendant noticed the Boy Wonder shaking and quivering.
'Are you OK, sir?' asked the flight attendant.
'Yes, I'm fine.' said the Rainbow Warrior.
Sometime later the attendant noticed Jeff moaning, and shaking again..
'Are you sure you're alright sir?'
'Yes.' said the Dupont wonder, 'but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants.'
'Whats wrong?' asked the flight attendant, 'Is he not housebroken?'
'No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned!'
52
Buckshot Jones has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like some extra chrome protection added to the bill. Buckshot is upset because he does not have the extra money, and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet. The dealer tells him not to worry. There is an old biker trick that will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains - and everything will be fine. Buckshot happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, Buckshot meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointment time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, Buckshot decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.
And no one says a word.......
Next he decides to take a more direct approach, so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone.
And no one says a word.......
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex.
And no one says a word........
By now he is getting very worried and is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect he chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his Vaseline.
And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
53
Mark Martin's wife takes thier little boy to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.
"What's that, Mommy?" asks the child.
"Nothing, Son, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.
A week later Mark takes him back to the zoo and the same thing happens again. "What's that, Daddy?"
"That, son, is the elephant's penis."
"Mommy said it was nothing."
"Your mother's spoiled, Son."
54
Q: What is the first thing a Jeff Gordon fan says after sex?
A: Roll over dad, your crushing my smokes!
Compliments of Carl P.
55
A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All GORDON FANS are ASSHOLES!"
Geoff Bodine Stands up and says "Hey! I resent that!"
So the first man asks, "Why are you a Gordon Fan?"
"NO! I'm an asshole!"
56
Jeff Gordon's Dad walks into a bar and says "Bartender, 10 tequilas !!" The bartender looks at him and says, "whoa buddy, what's up ? Have a bad day or something ??" "Well, I went home today and found out that my son is gay..." "That's tough", said the bartender... "Here's your tequilas, I can see why you're upset".. The next day the man walks into the same bar and says "Bartender, 20 tequilas !!!" Again the bartender looks at him and says "Jesus buddy, what now ???" "Well", said the man, "I just went home and found out my brother is gay"... "Jesus, pal... That's awful... I can see why you're upset.... Have these 20 on the house"... Next day, same guy, same bar.... "Bartender, 30 tequilas !!!!!!!!!" The bartender spins around, looks at the man and says "For Christ's sakes, doesn't anyone in your family like pussy ????" .... "Well, apparently my wife does"... replied the Rainbow's Daddy.
57
Dick Trickle's Grandson is visiting with his grandfather for the weekend, and he sees Dick light up a cigar. The kid says, "Grandpa, can I try your cigar?"
"Does your dick touch your asshole?" asked Dick
"No."
"Then you're not a man yet. Ask again when you're a man."
The next day after dinner, Dick gets out a bottle of Jack Daniels and pours himself a glass.
The kid says, "Can I try your whiskey, Grandpa?"
Same response: "Does your dick touch your asshole?"
"No."
"Then you're not a man yet. Ask again when you're a man."
The kid is starting to get tired of this, so he goes to the corner grocery store and buys a scratch-off lottery ticket. He wins $ 2 million, and runs home, yelling, "Grandpa! Grandpa! I won 2 million dollars in the lottery!"
Dick looks at the kid and says, "Well, now, are you gonna share some of that money with your grandpa?"
The kid looks at the winningest racer of alltime and says, "Does your dick touch your asshole?"
Mr Trickle smiles and says, "Why, yes it does."
"Good," says the kid. "Then you can go fuck yourself."
58
Farmer Benny Parsons
Benny Parsons finally gave up Nascar and became a farmer. Benny was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost.
Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middle man and sell the peaches directly to the consumer.
So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town. Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.
A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"
Quite shaken, Benny muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale."
The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts.
She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."
So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"
Benny popped out crying and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches!"
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"
The old racer-turned-farmer whimpered, "well Ma'am, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop, the weevils ate all my cotton, and now I think you're gonna fuck me out of my peaches."
59
Ray Evernham walks into a bar with Jeff Gordon. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it, Gordon starts jumping all over the place. The Rainbow Wimp grabs some olives off the bar & eats them, then grabs some sliced limes & eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball & swallows it whole. The bartender screams at Ray, "Did you see what your friend just did?" Ray says, "no, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! Whole! says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied Ray Evernham, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything he eats, cue ball & all." Ray finishes his drink, pays his bill & leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again & has Jeff Gordon with him. He orders a drink & that Rainbow boy starts running around the bar again. Gordon finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs the cherry & sticks it up his ass. Pulls it out & eats it. The bartender is disgusted (who isn't?), "Did you see what that jerkoff just did?" he asked. "Now what?" , responded Ray. "Well, he stuck the maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out & ate it!", says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me." replies Ray, "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damned cue ball, he measures everything first!
Compliments of Mark And Beth
60
Ernie Irvin walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then says to the bartender, "I'll bet you one-hundred bucks that I can piss in this cup from straight across the room." The bartender says, "You're on." Ernie then buys two more drinks, and puts his money on the table. He then goes across the room and pisses all over the place not once getting it in the cup. The bartender takes the money and smiles. Ernie smiles back at him. The bartender asks, "Why are you smiling? You just lost one-hundred bucks." Ernie replies "I bet everyone else in the bar one-thousand dollars that I could pee all over the place and make you smile!"
61
Terry Labonte and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a his brother Bobby. The Parrot, being a male, sneaks out and screws the next door neighbors turkeys and rushes back home, but not before being caught in the act.
The next door neighbors knock on the door and explain what the Parrot has been doing. Terry reprimand him and told him if he doesn't stop it he's going to shave the parrots head.
That night the Parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out and screws his neighbors turkeys again. The next morning Terry ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head.
The following morning is his daughter's wedding, and in order to please Bobby for giving them the parrot, they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in the church.
The parrot is doing fine. "Grooms side to the left and Brides side to the right". Until two bald guys walk in and he says, "And you two Turkey fuckers up on the piano with me!!!
62
Jeff Gordon finally gets caught cheating with a device that causes the other cars to break down so Nascar bans him from racing.
He decided to make him some money with his invention, so he buys a out-of-the-way hotel and sets the device up to cause people to break down in front of his hotel and stay the night.
Well, it worked great, but Gordo was used to million dollar paychecks. So he began another venture, in which he wakes up his patrons in the middle of the night, with thier penis in his mouth and Gordo holds up a sign that says "50 Dollars or I bite down".
Gordo was elated! His new plot landed him 5000 more dollars per week! Everything was fine until one night a Earnhardt fan broke down in front of Rainbow Hotel. The Earnhardt fan woke up in the middle of the night with his penis in Gordo's mouth, Gordo held up the sign , the Earnhardt fan just replied "10000 or I piss".
63
Jeff Gordon is going to go get his picture taken and he asked Ray Evernham to go the photographer with him because the process was totally new to The Rainbow Warrior, so he kept asking Ray questions.
"What's he doing now?" says Jeff.
"He's going to pull down the backdrop."responds Ray
"What's he doing now?"
"He's going to set up the camera."
"What's he doing now?"
"He's going to focus."
"What! Both of us?"
64
One morning while making breakfast,Jimmy Spencer walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning he woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother."
65
Ken Squiert's wife is concerned over his "mixing up of Driver names while announcing", so she drove him to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor calls her into his office and says, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, which, combined with stress, will kill him in a few months. What you have to do is, each morning, fix him a nice breakfast, and be pleasant. Make him a nice lunch to take to work, and for dinner, make meals for him you know he'll enjoy. Don't give him too much to do around the house, especially after he's had a hard day. And don't burden him with too many of your problems, because that'll only increase his stress. And most importantly, make love to him a couple of times a week, and try to give him oral sex once a month or so. If you can do this for the next ten months, I think your husband could regain his health completely." On the way home, he says, "What did the doctor say?" She says, "He said you're gonna die."
66
An attractive, slim, big breasted woman entered Harry Gant's exotic pet shop. When Harry offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small dog to keep her company.
Harry explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any ordinary pets. He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal.
He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a glass tank and pointed to a large bullfrog which sat inside it. "Would that suit your needs?", he asked. The woman answered, in anger, that she hardly thought a frog would be a suitable companion. "Ah", replied the Nascar Icon, "but this 'bullfrog' has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."
At this the woman's eyes lit up. She gladly offered $500 for the frog, and left the store smiling from ear to ear. Arriving home, she took a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly relaxed, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited. Nothing happened. She poked the frog with her finger. Still nothing. She moved it up further toward her vagina. Nothing happened. She ordered it to perform. No response. After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop.
When Harry answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. Harry apologized, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.
Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She did so, by removing her nightgown and lying down in the same position with the frog in place. The frog made no movement.
"You see? You see?", she repeated.
"Yes, I do", said the man.
Then, he turned to the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, and said,
"Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."
67
YEAR 2025:
Elton Sawyer and Patty Moise have been married for over 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to return to the very hotel where they spent their first night together as husband and wife.
Elton was on the bed when Patty came out of the bathroom, completely nude, just like she did on their wedding night.
She struck a sexy pose and asked Elton "Honey, what were you thinking about when I came out of the bathroom like this all those years ago?"
Elton said "I looked at you and thought to myself that I'd like to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry."
Patty says "And what are you thinking now?"
Elton tells her "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it!"
Compliments of Larry Murdock
68
Dale Earnhardt and his wife are driving down a country road when Dale accidentally hits a Skunk. Well Mrs Intimidator didn't want the animal to suffer, so she made Dale get out and get the animal so they could take it to the Vet. Dale knows a few things about first aid, so he tells his wife to hold the skunk between her legs and keep it warm. She says "Well, What about the smell?" To which the Man in Black replies "Just hold his nose and he'll never notice!"
69
Derrick Cope was giving a interview on why he left the Skittles car. He said he'd had enough the day they asked him to "Taste the Rainbow with Skittles" He said the Rainbow "just smelled too much like butt and semen"
70
One day, Dale Jarrett went into the bathroom . While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was Jeff Gordon, sitting on the toilet playing with himself. The UPS driver was shocked. He told Gordon that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage. Gordon agreed to this only because it was coming from a the 3 time Daytona winner. About a week later, the Dale ran into the Wonder Boy at the garage and asked him how he was doing with his problem. The Rainbow Warrior replied "Great Dale! I've saved a whole quart!"
71
Jeff Gordon was worried because he doesn't know what to do on his honeymoon. So he asks his mother. His mother said, "Just put the hardest part of your body into the place where your wife does wee-wee." Jeff was satisfied and retired to the bedroom. The next day the fire brigade is called to a hotel because The Rainbow Warrior had his head stuck in the toilet.
72
Mark Martin had just got married and his wife was a traditonal lady, she was still a virgin. So, on thier wedding night, they stayed at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't my daughter dear. Mark's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Mark took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. She ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Mark's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sweetie," says the mother," All good men have hairy chests. Mark's a good man. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Mark took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, she ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Mark took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Mark's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So up she went again. When she got up there, Mark took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When she saw this, she ran downstairs yet again. "Mama, Mama, Mark's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir dinner," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
73
Buckshot Jones was sitting in a bar, on one side of him sat an emu, the other a cat. He ordered a round of drinks for the three of them and paid the bartender. The bartender brought their drinks and the three sat in silence drinking. A short while later the bartender came back and asked if they would like another round, the cat indicated yes and the bartender poured another round and moved towards the cat for payment. The cat turned his head away and ignored the bartender, so Buckshot reached into his pocket and took out money and paid the bartender. After a while the bartender returned, asking if they would like another drink. This time the emu indicated yes, and another round was poured, the emu placed the money on the bar and the three continued drinking.
This continued all night, each time it came to the cat, the cat continued to turn it's head and ignore the bartender when payment was required. Finally, with the Buckshot in tears, cryng harder each time it was the cat's turn, the bartender, unable to contain his curiosity any longer asked Buckshot what the situation was - he'd been in the bar all night drinking with an emu and a cat, and each time it was thecat's turn, it turned away, yet the emu paid up with no problems.
"Well", says the Busch Wizard "I found this lamp washed up on the beach, as I was rubbing it clean, a genie appeared and granted me a wish. I thought long and hard, then wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
74
Taken from the Clean section, I didn't think it was too dirty but hey, some people.
Jeff Gordon and 2 of the Drivers wives are sitting in the pit area garage when suddenly, a guy runs through the garage wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the 2 ladies and Jeff.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either." She says, also not recognizing the unit.
He passes by the Jeff, who also looks down as he runs by him. "Wait a minute," he says. "He's not a driver, crewman or any of the Nascar Officials!"
75
Also taken from the Clean Section
Top Ten Things You'll Never hear a Nascar Driver Say
10. I would like to thank the Devil for my win today....
9. I lost because my pit crew is bunch of MORONS
8. I could win 10 races a year too, if my sponsors weren't such a cheap bunch of assholes
7. I wouldn't feel safe, if it weren't for that Restrictor Plate.
6. You better put that down or Jeff Gordon will come over here and Kick your ass.
5. I just wish that asshole would just pass me and get the hell off of my ass.
4. Has anyone seen my Jerri-Curl?
3. We would have won, but Jesus loves Jeff Gordon more.
2. (At Winner's Circle) Talk Later, Piss NOW
1. Just one of them deals, MY ASS! He needs to learn how to drive!
76
John Andretti goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the Nascar driver and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown". John instantly faints !!
The big black dude picks up the STP driver and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks John "What's wrong? John replies "ummm...er...ummm...What did you say?" The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown" John looks relieved and says "Thank god, I thought you said Turn around".
77
NEWSFLASH!.....
Jeff Gordon was found today, face down with his head bobbing up and down on Lake Speed.
78
Jeff Gordon was getting ready to go to the Japanese race and wasn't planning on taking Brooke. He knew Brooke couldn't go too many days without sex, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone.So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.
"Except what?" the Rainbow Warrior asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.' "
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The Boy Wonder laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" Jeff said.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to Brooke, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my vagina."
He left for his race, satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, Brooke was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but to stay faithful, she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my vagina!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Jeff had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her vagina, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
79
Benny Parsons went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow."
The next day the jolly announcer reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and Benny explains:
"Well, doc, it's like this…First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" Benny replied, "Yep, but no matter how hard we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
80
Jeff Gordon was driving out of the Charlotte Motorspeedway when he was pulled over by a cop. The Cop came up to the window and asked to see his license. The Rainbow Warrior had no idea what he was talking about and since he didn't have Ray explaining it to him in his in-car radio, the Golden boy had no idea what to do so he just said " What's a License?"
The Cop just looked at him and said "your driving license?!?"
Jeff just looked at him with a puzzled stare until the officer said " Its normally in your wallet!".
Jeff pulled out his wallet and gave the officer his license. The officer then asked for the car registration. Jeff looked and said "huh?" so the officer just told him to get the paper out of the glove box and sure enough the registration was in there. The Officer told Jeff to wait and he'll be right back.
The Officer called it in and the dispatcher said over the radio "You mean you have Jeff Gordon the Race car driver?".
The officer said "yeah, thats him"
The dispatcher told him to go over back to the car and give him back all his papers and for the officer to just drop his pants. The officer says "WHAT!"
The Dispatcher says "Just do it" So the officer goes back over to the car and gives Jeff back his papers and then he just drops his pants. Jeff looks at him and sighs and says "Oh No! not another breathalizer test!"
81
What Do you call 42 rednecks chasing a flaming homosexual?
Nascar
Submitted by BestFan 18
82
Geoff Bodine walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. Geoff insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. Geoff explains that he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks Geoff to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. The following day, the "Philips Wrecking Machine" returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why he thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. Geoff explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."
83
Dale Earnhardt Jr. was bragging that his penis was so long that could stick his penis in his mouth, when a few of the other drivers overheard his boasting. Geoff Bodine walks over and ask the if thats why he keeps wrecking his car, so he can hurry out and "suck his own dick". Dale jumps up and says "Your just jealous cause I dont need a microscope and a seeing-eye monkey to find my penis". Geoff decides to end this and prove Dale wrong so he bets that he can suck his penis too.
After extensive betting, Geoff gets on the floor and grimaces at Dale and bends for about five minutes when Dale finally yells "HAHA! I told you that you couldn't do it!!! HAHAHAHA!!". Then Geoff jumps up and says " Well how the hell am I supposed to do it if you dont take your pants off first!"
Joke Insprired by a co-worker/moron that lays claim to that skill
84
What does Brooke Gordon do to her pussy before each race?
She pats him on the head and tells him to go win her some more money
Submitted by XRAYTAKR
85
Rusty Wallace was removed from his position as National Chairman for Safe Sex Education when it was found that he had spent 90 percent of the Committee's funds on tagging all the sheep that kick.
86
After having their 11th child, Ward Burton and his wifee decided that that was enough. So Ward went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children and that he didn't want to spend a lot of money. The doctor told him that there was a procedure that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can,then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
Ward said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, he and his wife drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he realised how truly backwards Ward was. This doctor instead told Ward to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, Ward went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
87
Commercial for American Express By Jeff Gordon
Frito's , Pepsi and Chili .... $10
Race Helmut .................. $900
Case of Vaseline ............. $78.99
Super 8 Motel Room, 4 hours .. $20
The Look on all the Jeff Gordon Haters faces after a queer wins the race, again............... Priceless
88
Benny Parsons goes to the doctor to get some of them Viagra pills. Being that Benny is getting on in the years, the doctor just goes on ahead and writes the prescription with no questions asked. When Benny tries to get the prescription filled he asks the pharmacist to cut each pill into 8 pieces. The pharmacist tells Benny that the pill wouldn't help him get a full erection unless he takes a whole pill. To which Benny replies " Oh, I don't want them so I can get a full erection, I just wanna be able to get up in the morning and not piss all over myself."
89
A driver's wife goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a Derrike Cope?" The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have." "That's the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his earrings aren't made of gold............... "
90
Matt Kenseth has never had sex, and he gets into bed on his wedding night. His wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, "Do you know what I want?"
He says, "No."
She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know what I want?"
He says, "Yeah... I Know....you want the whole fucking bed to yourself."
91
Tony Stewart meets a girl at the carnival and she takes him home. They walk into her bedroom and there's fluffy toys everywhere. Hundreds of them. On top of the wardrobe, on the bookshelf, on the window sill, on the floor, all over the bed.
After he has sex with her he says, "So, how was I?"
She says, "You can take any prize on the bottom shelf."
92
Dale Earnhardt Jr. walked into the garage, holds out his hand full of dog shit, and says to his crew chief, "Look what I almost stepped in..."
93
Casey Atwood was dating a Jehovah's Witness and they were driving along a rural road on a murky day when a deer run in front of the car. Casey slammed on the brakes and shouted "SHIIIIITTTT!!!!!" as the car came to a halt. His date immediately started scolding him, saying that He(The Lord) would not want him to swear. Kidding, he swore at her again when all of a sudden the murky sky turned into a raging cloudburst and Lightning struck a telephone pole not too far away. His horrified date said, "See! I told you He does not want you to swear!" To which Casey quipped, "Yeah, but the Son of a Bitch missed, didn't he?".
94
Jeff Gordon is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life ." Hey Gordon! who’s the two biggest faggots in America?" comes from the CB.
Gordon replies . "I don't know".
The trucker says " You and Rick Hendrick ".
Well Gordon gets all pissed off but the truck driver tells him "Its just a joke tell it to the next truck you see."
Well Gordon drives for about an hour an finally sees another truck . He gets on the CB and says " Hey other truck, do you know who the two biggest fags in the world are?"
The other trucker says " I don't know who?"
The Rainbow Warrior replies " Me and Rick Hendrick"
95
Jeff Gordon decided to get to know his new Crew Chief a little better so he went down to Robby's family farm to help out. Robby had a Mule that suddenly had became cockeyed, and Robby wanted its eyes straightened out. Jeff says that he knows how to fix the mule's eyes because he'd seen it done when he was a boy in Indiana. Jeff tells Robby what needs to be done and Robby goes to get the pipe they'll need to fix the mule. So Robby takes the pipe and shoves it up the mule's butt, while Jeff goes in front of the mule and tells Robby when the eyes straighten. Robby then puts his mouth on the end of the pipe and blows as hard as he can. He asks Jeff if the eyes are straight yet, and Jeff says no and that Robby should blow harder. So Robby blows harder and asks if the eyes are straight yet, Jeff says no and decides he and Robby should switch places. So Jeff goes back where Robby is and takes out the pipe, turns it around, and sticks it back it on the opposite end. He starts to blow on the pipe and Robby looks at him in shock and asks him what he is doing. Jeff responds, "You think I'm gonna put my mouth on the end that you put yours? I don't know where your mouth has been!"
96
New Pfiser commercial.
(Graphic appears)BRAINS - in walks Rusty Wallace...
(Graphic appears)HEART - in walks Mark Martin...
(Graphic appears)GUTS - in walks Bobby Labonte....
(Graphic appears)ASSHOLE - in walks Tony Stewart....
In unison - "We have them checked out regularly by a doctor." )
Joke Stolen from E_racer@worldnet.att.net as posted in rec.autos.sport.nascar
97
Tony Stewart buys a big ranch out next to Jeff Gordon's house. Tony's sitting out on his porch one day and he sees Jeff Gordon pull up to welcome him to the neighborhood.
Jeff says" Hey, welcome to the neighborhood,I came over to see how you are geting settled in".
Tony replies "Thanks, that's right friendly"
Jeff says "Well, the main reason I came over here was to invite you a great party over at my house. There's gonna be eatin',drinkin', fightin' and fuckin', it's gonna be great!"
Tony says " That sounds great! What should I wear?".
Jeff replies "Oh, it don't matter, it's just gonna be you and me.".
98
Dale Earnhardt Jr's mother stopped unexpectedly by the recently Dale Jr's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" the Dale's mom asked.
"I am waiting for Junior to come home from the track." the daughter-in-law replied.
"Why are you naked?" asked the Dale's mom. "This is my love dress." she replied.
"LOVE DRESS! You are naked." said Dale's mom
"But he loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy." said the daughter-in-law.
"I would appreciate it if you left now because Junior will be home any minute." The daughter-in-law continued.
Soured by all of this romantic stuff, she law left. On the way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea.
She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume and waited by the door for "The Intimidator" to come home.
Finally the pickup truck drove up the drive way and she took her place by the door. The Man In Black opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door.
"Teresa, What in the Hell are are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" she replied. "Maybe you should iron it then."
99
A young man graduated from University of North Carolina with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from North Carolina, he went back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there but to his surprise, the old farmer was none other than Dale Earnhardt.. The young man asked the seven time Winston Cup Champion, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The Intimitadator thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the he said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
The "Man In Black" dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."
100
Jeff Gordon and Jerry Nadeau are in Transylvania for a big revival of the Church of the Later Day Saints. Despite all the warnings to the contrary, they've stayed out after dark. Sure enough, as they're driving along, a vampire flies out of the night and lands on their windshield, hissing and baring his horrible bloody fangs.
"Dear Lord! What shall we do?" cries Jeff.
"Turn on the windshield wipers. Maybe that will break his grip," answers Jerry.
No luck. Now the vampire is wet and angry. He claws at the windshield.
"Now what shall we do?" yells the Jeffy, getting even more scared.
"Weave the car back and forth. Maybe he'll fall off,"yella Jerry.
No luck. The vampire is beating on the glass now, and it's starting to crack. "NOW WHAT!?!?!" cries The Rainbow Warrior.
Jerry tries to remember how to get rid of vampires.
He has a sudden flash of insight. "Show him your cross!" he yells, triumphantly.
Gordon sticks his head out the window and yells, "Get off the fucking car, you asshole!!"
101
Jeff Gordon is in the doctor's office when the doc comes in and says, "I'm sorry, but you may have contracted HIV". Gordo is immediately shocked and says, "doc, doc, what should I do?". The doctor says, "Well, the first thing you should do is fly to Mexico. When you get there, eat all the Mexican food you can eat. Tacos, nachos, beans, and all that. Also, drink all the water you can, and none of that bottled crap, pure Mexican water, and as much as you can drink. Then eat all of the fresh fruit you can eat. Just keep eating and drinking the whole time you stay down there." Gordon is a little confused, and asks, "So is all that going to help?" The doc says, "No, but it will teach you what your asshole is used for."
102
Rusty Wallace emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained (as usual) "I have a headache....."
"Perfect" he said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can either take it orally or as a suppository - it's up to you!"
103
Mike Skinner has been waiting for 45 minutes at the bank when he's had enough.
"Hows about Some Service! Today! Bitch!"
"Please," says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank."
"Well, excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language."
"Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says.
"Well, then let's get the fuckin' manager, okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?"
The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?"
The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."
Skinner says "Hey all's I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars."
The manager looks at the check and then at him and says, "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"
104
Dale Earnhardt Jr is having a rough date and finally blurts out "Man, If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.". His young female companion retorts " If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.". To which Little E replies "That works for me, as long as you are still a little warm when I shove it up your ass.".
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