1
A man came into a bar with his dog. A race was on the TV and the man asked where Ricky Rudd was. 12th was the reply and with that the dog ran around the bar stool 12 times. A bit later the man again asked about Rudd, this time he was running 8th, and the dog took 8 laps around the stool. Again the man asked, " Where's Rudd running now?" the barkeep said third and the dog took 3 laps around the stool. The bartender said, "Wow that's amazing. What happens when Ricky wins the race?" The man said, " I dunno, I've only had the dog for 2 1/2 Years!"

2

Why does Gordon never hit the wall?
The wall aint got no numbers on it.

3
Did you see where that lady that won the 20 million dollar lawsuit for the Mcdonalds coffee being too hot, is suing Walmart?
Apparently she bought a Ernie Irvin Shirt and hit the wall 10 times before she left the store.

4
Tony Stewart's house is on fire so he runs outside to use a payphone to call for help. He gets the 911 operator, and gets transferred to the firehouse. "Mr. Fireman, my house is on fire you have to help me!" The Fireman replies, "Yes, yes Sir, how do I get to your house?" The Chefboyardee Kid pauses a moment, and replies, "Umm, it's the house that's on fire." Realizing he is now talking to Tony Dimwit Stewart, the fireman comes back with "No Sir, how would you like me to get to your house?", to which Tony replies, "Duh, big red truck."

5

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked Rick Hendrick. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" Rick stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. Rick still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," said Rick, "I thought he was talking to you."

6
Have you Heard? Terry Labonte is in the Hospital!
Apparently he hasn't passed anything for almost 2 years!

7

Gordon IN JAIL!
Jeff Gordon was arrested last night for trespassing and breaking and entering. He was picked up on the sales floor of the local Ford dealership. When reached for comment Gordon just said " I just wanted to finally get a look at the FRONT of one of them new FORDS" .

8
Albert Einstein decides to take a tour of heaven and check out the new inductees. So he begins his walk and he sees a man playing the piano and he spends some time talking with him about Bach, Beethoven and Various other forms of Instrumental Music. He then sees a man building a house and spends some time talking about architecture and designs. He continues his walk and he sees a man who is beating a bag of raw chicken parts over his head, peeing rampantly and rubbing feces all over himself, So Einstein walks over to him and says "How About That Jeff Gordon?"

9

Dale Earnhardt Jr was walking across campus when Kurt Busch rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a great bike?", asked Jr.
Kurt replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"
Jr nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

10

How can you tell when a nascar fan is watching a Formula One race?
When he taps you on the shoulder and asks "Are we watching qualifying?"

Compliments of Rob and Cheryl Mitchell

11

Darrell Waltrip and Dale Earnhardt were driving around a small country town when Dale accidentally hit and killed a goat. Well, Darrell made him go up to the farm house and apologize.They drove up to the farm, Dale got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When Dale came out, Darrell was confused about why he had been in there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the man in black.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Waltrip asked.
Number 3 replied, "I told him I was driving around with Darrell Waltrip and I'd just killed the old goat."

12

A Mechanic is standing outside the garage as Roger Penske is coming in to check out the new Taurus, and can't help but notice that Mr. Penske has a Dog under each arm.
The Mechanic waves and says, "Welcome back, Roger, Nice dogs, sir."
Penske smiles and says, "These aren't dogs. These are genuine Labrador Retrievers. I got this one for Rusty, and I got this one for Jeremy."
The mechanic says, "Good trade, sir."

13

Ricky Rudd calls the police, and says, "They stole my dashboard, they stole my steering wheel, they stole my brake pedal, Hell, they even stole my gas pedal..."
Then, before the cops can ask where he is, he says, "Hey, never mind, I'm in the back seat."


14

Todd Bodine and Steve Park are driving through town when they come to a red light. Todd floors it.
Steve says, "What the hell are you doing? You're gonna get us killed."
Todd says, "It's okay. My brother drives like this."
They come to another red light, and he floors it again. Steve says, "You're gonna kill us, if you keep doing that." Todd replies " Don't Worry, My Brother drives like this.".
Then they come to a green light, and Todd slams on the brakes.
Steve says, "What are you doing?!?!!!!"
Todd replies, "My brother might be coming the other way!"


15

Why did NASCAR outlaw the Polish victory lap....
Because it was interfering with Bill Elliott's finishing of the race!

16

What do you call 10,000 Restrictor plates at the bottom of the ocean?
A Good Start.

17

If Robert Pressley, John Andretti and Geoff Bodine were in a boat and the Boat Sinks, Who Would be saved?
Half the cars in Sundays Race.

18

How many Jeff Gordon fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They prefer to be in the dark.

Stolen from Mr BiG

19

A guy walks into a Racing Bar and asks Greg Sacks if he wants to hear a dumb redneck Nascar joke. Greg says, "The guy in the corner is a Buddy Baker. The guy in the other corner is a Jimmy Spencer . This guy next to you is a Geoff Bodine. I have raced off and on for 10 years. Now, do you STILL want to tell your dumb redneck nascar joke?"

The guy says, "No. I don't want to have to explain it 4 times."

20

Earnhardt calls Rick Hendrick and his secretary answers the phone and says, "I'm
sorry, he's in jail." The Man in Black continues to call, day after day, always asking the same question. On his fifth week of calling, Hendrick's secretary answers the phone and says, "Look, what don't you understand? He's in JAIL!" Earnhardt answers, "I know, I just like hearing you say it."

21

Steve Park was looking to find him a woman so Dale Earnhardt decided to help him out. He told Steve that the next time hes on the beach to put him a potato in his trunks and the ladies will gather round. Steve goes out for 3 straight days with no luck. He's about to leave when he sees The man In Black and says " I don't understand, I did what you said and now NO WOMEN will come anywhere near me!" Dale looks at him and just points and says " The Potato goes in the front "

22

Mark Martin was just sitting in the Drivers Lounge chatting with Ernie Irvan, drinking his Coke and minding his own business when all of a sudden Jimmy Spencer comes in and WHACK!! knocks him off the stool and onto the floor. Mr Excitement says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The Valvoline Giant thinks "GEEZ,what the hell has gotten into Jimmy" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden WHACK!! Jimmy knocks him down AGAIN, and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the "Fastest Man in Nascar" has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. Mark is gone for about an hour when he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind Jimmy Spencer and Wham!!! Knocks the humps off old Joe Camal , knocking him out cold!!!
#6 looks at Ernie Irvan and says, "When he comes to, tell him that's 'Crowbar from Sears'."

23

Farmer Benny Parsons
Benny decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Benny. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Benny responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Benny said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Benny's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Benny thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"


24

Bill Elliott was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the Million Dollar Man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one."
Bill thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.
The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
Bill thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick."
The genie considers his request for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

25

Did you hear about Rudd visiting that Korean Sports psychologist about his current losing streak?
He has been seeing Dr Winn Wan Soon for about 2 months now.
Compliments of A Drunken Wine vendor

26

A little boy ran away from home and a cop saw him and said "Hey little boy, what are you doing?" The little boy replied "I'm running away from home." The cop asked him "Why are you doing that?" The little boy replied "Because my dad beats me." The cops says "Oh, well get in the car and I will take you back to your mother" And the little boy says "No, no! She beats me too!" The cop says "Do you have an uncle?" "Yes but he beats me too", replied the little boy. And the cop says "Get in the car and I'll take you to your grandma's then." The little boy says "No, no, no! My grandma beats me also." The cop says "Well little boy, is there anywhere I can take you where nobody will beat you?" And the little boys says "Take me to live with Ricky Rudd because he can't beat anybody."

27

Did you hear why Derrick Cope gave up his sponsorship from Skittles?
He Said he just didnt like to deal with Skittles, Sure they taste good but "they sure is hard to peel"

28

Did you hear about Rusty Wallace's new sponsor?
He is showing his new paint scheme on the Puffs Plus With Aloe Ford next week.

29

Gordon is out taking a stroll in the snow. He slips off a Icy bridge, hits his head, and falls into an icy river. Three kids see it happen. They jump in and save him. When he comes to, he says, "Boys, you saved a Three Time Winston Cup Champion. You each deserve a reward. You name it, and You Got It!" The first kid says, "I'd like to go to Disneyland." The Rainbow Warrior says, "I'll send you and your whole family for a week at Disneyland." The second boy says, "I'd like a 4 wheeler so I can Go out mudbogging out behind my house" Gordon says, "I'll get you the best Four Wheeler With all the safety Features and I'll have someone teach you how to drive it safely." The third kid says, "I'd like a electric twin-turbo wheelchair with a HiFi stereo and Cruise Control." #24 says, "I'll get you the Best ... Wait a second, you're not handicapped, You don't need a Wheelchair." The kid says, "I will be when my father finds out who I saved from drowning."

30

After a long life, NASCAR racing legend Dale Earnhardt finds himself at the pearly gates. The Lord welcomes him to heaven and shows him to his dwelling place. It's a small home, nicely landscaped, with a couple faded GM Goodwrench flags mounted beside the front door.
"We looked around and were lucky to find those still," said the Lord.
Earnhardt gave an appreciative grin back. As he continued to look around, his gaze followed up a hill to the beautiful mansion at the top. Around the ornate edifice was a circle of bright blue and orange STP flags.
"Lord, I don't want to sound unappreciative, but I'd like to know; Why does Richard Petty get such a big place? I know he beat me back in the old days, but I thought you guys didn't work that way up here."
The Lord turns to look in the direction of Dale's gaze. "Oh, that's not The King's place. That's mine."


Compliments of Speed

31

Ricky Craven goes searching for a Anniversary Present for his wife when he goes into a department store and approaches a salesclerk, "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," Ricky says, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answers. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."

32

Ernie Irvan received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude. Ernie tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Ernie put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet.
Ernie was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Ernie's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
Ernie was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

33

Sterling Marlin and Ricky Rudd go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, Sterling catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. Sterling to Ricky and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
Ricky says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

34

Ned Jarrett is sitting on his front porch watching his grandson play in the yard. His grandson starts pulling worms out of the ground and seems to be having fun but Ned doesn't want him to not appreciate all living things, so he says "Now, Now, we don't hurt little worms, its just not right." . His grandson is perplexed, as he doesn't know why it hurts them. Ned says "well now that you have pulled them out of the ground, they will dry up and die.". His grandson says "I can get them back on the hole". Ned says "Well if you do, I'll give you 5 dollars"
The little boy tries and tries, he tries forcing the worms, using a stick, music... what ever he can think of, when he finally goes in the house and returns with some starch. He sprays the worms with starch and shoves the stiff little worms right down the hole, gets up and demands his 5 dollars. Ned pays him and sends him on his way.
The next day Ned's grandson comes over, when Ned gives him 10 more dollars and a pie and says "This is from your grandma".

35

These Driver's Wives were sitting around one night talking about there husbands when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda.
Labonte's Wife said: "I'm gonna call Bobby 'Mountain Dew' because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"
Martin's Wife said: "I'm gonna call Mark '7-Up' because he has Seven inches and it is always up!" Skinner's wife said: "I'm gonna call Mike 'Jack Daniels'." The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor." The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY MIKE!" .

36

Jeff Gordon and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither are hurt. They crawl out of their cars and 'The Boy Wonder' sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm Jeff Gordon - the 'Nascar Evangelist'. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God." God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." And the priest said, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God. And Jeff Gordon said, "and look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Blue Nun wine didn't break, surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. The Priest agrees comepletely, so Jeff opened the bottle took 3 big drinks and then handed the bottle to the priest. The priest said he agreed and took the bottle, didn't drink at all, put the cap on, and handed it back to The Rainbow Warrior. Jeff asked, "Aren't you going to have any?"
The priest replied, "No....I think I'll just wait for the police..

37

One day a Mark Martin fan noticed a Jeff Gordon fan intently staring at a can of Welch's frozen grape juice in the grocery store. When the #6 fan asked what was going on, the #24 fan replied, "It says CONCENTRATE."

38

One day a Dale Jarrett fan happened by a group of Jeff Gordon fans who were clapping, cheering, and raising quite a fuss. When the Jarrett fan asked what all the excitement was about, a Gordon fan said, "We just finished this puzzle in 60 days!" "60 days!" the #88 fan exclaimed. "That must have been some puzzle!" "You bet it was," said the #24 fan. "On the box it says 2 to 4 years!"

39

What is the worst thing about 5 Gordon Fans going over a cliff in a Monte Carlo?
A Monte Carlo Seats 6.

40

The preacher was visiting the newly retired Dale Eanrhardt and noticed a pig running around with one leg missing. The preacher inquired bout the pig and asked what happened to his leg The Man in Black replied that this was a special pig. one night the house caught on fire and was burning. The pig ran around squealing as loud as he could and woke the family , who put out the fire, suffered no injuries and little damage. Well, the preacher replied, that is an amazing pig, but what happened to his leg? Well, said the 'Intimidator', that is a special pig, once my little daughter went down to the creek, fell in and almost drowned. This pig came running up to the house and made such a fuss we followed him to the creek and pulled our daughter from the water. This pig saved her life. The preacher said that certainly is an amazing pig, but what happened to his leg? The 7-time Winston Cup Champion said, well...., its like this, when you have a pig this good, you don't want to eat him all at once.

41

Bobby Labonte and Terry Labonte are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb up a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. Bobby gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. Terry, "What are you doing?" He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." The Ice Man says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear." Bobby says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you."

42

Jeff Gordon is distraught because he fears his Wife is having an affair, so he goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day he comes home to find Brooke in bed with a big handsome hunk. He grabs the gun and holds it to his own head.
Brooke jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with him not to shoot himself. Hysterically the WonderBoy responds to Brooke, "shut up...you're next!"

43

Jimmy Spencer has lived along the river for about 10 years and across from Jimmys theres this Old Hillbilly named Clarence. Jimmy hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Army Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. Jimmy was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and "whup Clarence's butt".
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and "whup Clarence's butt?"
He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARENCE 8 FT 3 IN"

44

Jeff Gordon and Bill Elliott are sitting in the Nascar main office waiting room watching the 6 o'clock news. Bill bets Jeff Gordon $500 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 60 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," Jeff replied.
A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. Bill, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the rainbow warrior and tells him that he does not need to pay the $500.
"No, a bet's a bet," Jeff replies, "I owe you 500 dollars."
Bill, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw the 5:30 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."
"That's okay," the WonderBoy replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

45

What do Jeff Gordon's Fans use for Birth Control?
Their personalities.
Submitted by SheetNFire

46

One day, a Nascar fan was walking along the beach and came across an odd looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued. "What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every Gordon fan in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for." "Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man. "What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every Gordon Fan in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?" "I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every Gordon Fan in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man. "And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie. The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."
47

Jeff Gordon is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Gordo says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains The WonderBoy. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks The Rainbow Warrior, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks: "If an airplane carrying Geoff Bodine, Jimmy Spencer and Jeff Gordon were blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Gordon beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be a accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

48

Dale Jarrett, Rusty Wallace and Robert Pressely found themselves in hell. They were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, behind the door was perhaps the ugliest 1973 Pinto they had ever seen.
It was multi-colored with plenty of rust and primer...dirty...dryrotted interior..and you could smell it even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard: "Dale, YOU HAVE SINNED!!! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in the drivers seat of this car!!!"
And Jarrett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when the second door opened...and they saw an even MORE disgusting example of automaking gone wrong. It was a 1978 Gremlin it was over smashed in every which direction, covered in thick hand paint-brushed house paint and lots of "peace" symbols and hippie colors. It has a top speed of 34, the electrics don't work, and the radio works but only plays the theme from "Alice" and you cant turn it off. The voice of the Devil was heard: "Rusty, YOU HAVE SINNED!!! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in the drivers seat of this car!!!"
And Rusty, like Jarrett before him, was whisked off.
Robert Pressley, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst...when the third door opened.... And as the door...inched...open...., he strained to see the figure of...a 1998 Dodge VIPER!!!
Delighted, Robert, taking in the sight of this beautiful piece of Automaking Delight, Shiney and powerful this car is made to run like hell. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:...
"Viper, YOU HAVE SINNED ----------

49
One day, Buckshot Jones and Rick Mast were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Rick, said "Lookey thar up ahead Buckshot, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin'these here beers!"
"Don't worry Rick," Buckshot said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Rick.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Buckshot. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir," said Buckshot, "we're on the patch."

50

What's a Gordon Fans favorite color?
Caution Flag Yellow

51

Jeff Gordon was walking down a forest path one beautiful Sunday afternoon, on his way home after winning yet another Nascar event. Lost in pleasant thoughts of how pleased God must have been with his powerful message and touching oration in his victory speech, he failed to note the hungry bear sneaking upon him through the bushes until it was too late.
The Rainbow Warrior heard a rumbling growl, turned in surprise, and looked the bear straight in the eyes! Terrified, he began to run as fast as his legs would carry him! He ran and ran until he thought his legs would collapse, thinking surely he would be able to out-run the bear, but when he dared to look around, he saw the bear only two steps behind.
"Oh, please God!" he prayed sincerely, "I delivered my finest Victory speech and Nascar win ever in your name this morning. I must have brought many souls to your gates of heavenly salvation. Surely you'll help me get away from this bear!" And on he ran, more quickly than before, confident that the Lord would help him out-distance the bear.
Soon his breath was rasping in and out of his lungs, and his legs were trembling uncontrollably with his mighty effort. He slowed a bit and glanced behind him; the bear was now only one step behind.
"Please, Lord!" he prayed fervently, "I know you can't mean for this bear to kill me! Please, please, please let me get away from this bear!" And on he ran, pushing himself to the edge of his strength and endurance, positive that the good Lord would come to his rescue.
But it was not to be. The Boy Wonder's heart was now pounding, his lungs felt like they were bursting, and his legs suddenly refused to hold him upright. He fell to he knees on the forest path, fearing his imminent death.
"Oh please, God," he prayed frantically, "I can't run any more. I don't know why you wouldn't help me get away from this bear after I delivered such a wonderful speech this morning praising your help in my NASCAR win!, but can't you at least make this bear a good Christian bear? I don't want to die!" Not daring to hope that the Lord would actually answer this prayer, Brother Jeff bowed his head and waited for the inevitable. When the end did not come swiftly, he lifted his head in surprise, only to find to his stunned amazement that the bear was also kneeling on the path, paws folded, head bowed, praying,
"I thank you, Lord, for this fine meal I am about to devour...."

52

Jeff Gordon gets on an airplane to Los Angeles and sits in first class. The stewardess looks at his ticket and politely asks him to move to coach. The Rainbow Warrior replies, "No, I'm the best Nascar Driver and I don't have to move."
Another stewardess comes along and tells him he must move. Again he replies, "No, I'm the best Nascar driver and I won't move."
One of the stewardesses goes and gets the captain. After trying to reason with the Boy Wonder (a doomed maneuver from the outset), he leans down and whispers in his ear. Gordo gets up quietly and moves back to the cheap seats. The stewardesses are amazed. "What did you say to him?" they asked.
The captain replies, "I told him that first class doesn't go to Los Angeles."

53

Derrick Cope and Gary Bradberry are bungee-jumping one day. Derrick says to Gary, "You know, we really suck as racers but I bet we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Gary thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - tower, elastic bungee cord, insurance, etc...
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up in the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
After they have everything ready, they decide to give the crowd a demonstration. Derrick jumps and bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the Gary notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Gary isn't able to catch him, and Derrick falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Gary misses him.
Derrick falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Gary finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Derrick says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a "pinata?"

54

Bill Elliott goes into a bar still dressed in his race suit and ordered a drink.
As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young woman sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the "Million Dollar Man" and asked him, "Are you a real race car driver?"
To which he replied, "Well, ma'am I have spent my whole life on the track, testing chassis, testing engines,testing tires, winning races and I even won the Nascar Winston Cup a few years back."
After a short while he asked her what she did. She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the "Golden Arches" Racer ordered another drink . A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real Nascar driver?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian too."

55

Jeff Gordon is having trouble with constipation,so he goes to see his family doctor. The doctor checks him out and just tells him to use some suppositories. Two weeks later Jeff returns with the same problem. The doctor says " Have you been using the suppositories?". To which the Rainbow Warrior replies " Well, doc, I tried, but I just couldn't bear the taste of them things."

56

Micheal Waltrip and Geoff Bodine get into a wreck and begin fighting on the track. The next day the Bodine brothers catch Micheal outside the track. They draw a circle in the dirt and say "If you step out of that circle, we will kick your ass." They pick up hammers and start busting up his new car. They look back and NAPA Driver is smiling. They hit the car some more, and he is laughing. They walk over to him and ask "Why are you laughing, we just busted up your car." He says "I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times."

57

Three race fans are going to the exhibition race in Mexico, when they are mistakenly arrested and are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the Mark Martin Fan and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the Martin Fan runs away. Next, they place the Dale Jarrett Fan in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the Dale Jarrett Fan escapes. Next up is the Gordon Fan. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"

58

Dale Jarrett and Jimmy Spencer are changing clothes in the locker room. Jimmy takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing a bra and a lace garter belt.
"My God," exclaims Dale, "When did you start wearing women's underwear?"
"Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment."

59

Darrell Waltrip's wife goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her it is still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night at dinner she does.
About a week later she's back at the Doctors office and says the pill worked great. I put it in the potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the table.
The Doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Naah" she says, "That's okay. Although, I don't think we'll be welcome at Denny's ever again!"

60

A dedicated race car fan dies and goes to Heaven . When he reaches the pearly gates and goes through he hears the distinct sounds of race cars in distance. He follow it and finally comes up on Heaven's SuperSpeedway. He looks out on the track and can't believe his eyes! It's the Hooters machine w/ Alan Kiwiki at the wheel. He says to someone beside him," Is that Davey Allison on pit road?". The guy says, "Yeah, it's really great!". All the sudden in the distance he sees the distinctive Black 3 approaching. He says, " Oh, no what happened to Dale Earnhardt?". The guy says, " That's not Earnhardt , That's God , He just like to pretend he is Dale Earnhardt!".
Submitted by NSCR CHCK


61

Jeff Gordon is speaking to his psychiatrist.
Jeff: "I'm on the road a lot, and my sponsors and family are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Jeff: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"
Jeff: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Jeff: "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."


62

Geoff Bodine and Ward Burton are having lunch together. Ward showed up on time, but Geoff showed up 1-1/2 hours Late...
Ward: "How come you're so late?"
Geoff: "Oh, I ran over a milk bottle and got a flat tire.."
Ward: "A milk bottle? Didn't you see it in the road?"
Geoff: "No - the kid had it under his coat..."

63

Rusty Wallace is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. Bill Elliott comes in and asks the farmer/racer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Rusty Wallace: Some things you just can't explain.
Bill: So what happened that's so horrible?
Rusty Wallace: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Bill: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Rusty Wallace: Some things you just can't explain.
Bill: So what happened then?
Rusty Wallace: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Bill: and then?
Rusty Wallace: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Bill: Again?
Rusty Wallace: Some things you just can't explain.
Bill: So, what did you do then?
Rusty Wallace: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Bill: and then?
Rusty Wallace: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Bill: Hmmm...
Rusty Wallace: Some things you just can't explain.
Bill: So, what did you do?
Rusty Wallace: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....

64

A Race Fan knocked on the Pearly Gates
His face was scarred and old
Hhe trembled and he shook with fear
He was just about to fold.

"What have you done?" St. Peter asked,
"...to gain admission here?"
"I've been a loyal Dave Marcis Fan, sir,
for many, many years."

The Pearly Gate swung open wide
St. Peter rang the bell
"Come in and choose your harp," he said,
"you've had your share of hell."

65

Did you hear? Jeff Burton went to work for the telephone company so he could finally get on the pole.
Submitted by Kevin Moran

66

Jeff Gordon was driving down the road when a Monkey fell off a truck ahead of him.
The Rainbow Warrior stopped and put the pig in his car. A few minutes later he was stopped by a police officer. When the officer approached the man said, "This monkey fell off a truck. What should I do with him?"
The officer replied, "Why don't you take him to the zoo." "That's a great idea!" replied The Boy Wonder and he and the monkey were off.
The next day the officer once again saw Jeff Gordon driving with the monkey in his car. The officer stopped the car and said, "I thought I told you to take that monkey to the zoo!"
"You did," replied Gordo. "In fact, we had such a good time at the zoo yesterday that we decided to go to the beach today."

67

A carload of Nascar Drivers went hunting, looking for a place to hunt, they pulled into a farmer's yard. Dale Eanrhardt went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?"
The Intimidator said, "Sure," and headed for the car.
While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his the other drivers.
He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said, "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson."
With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side.
And, Kenny Schrader exclaims, "I got the cow!"

68

NOTIFY ALL EMPLOYERS OF THE FOLLOWING
Be on the lookout for a resume' from the following individual:
     Todd Bodine
     35 Cant Qualify Blvd.
     Nomorerace, USA 92922
     (263)463-7825 x 7
The above individual may use the following as a reference:
     Geoff Bodine
     7 Wreck You Ave.
     Puteminwall, USA 24492
     (436)332-7274 x 8
Can you find the hidden messages?
Hint: It's all in the numbers
Submitted by Bobby R. Tolliver II

69

What Does Wallace Stand for?
W = we
A = all
L = look
L = like
A = asses
C = chasing
E = Earndhart

Submitted by Leanna Grose

70

"Where does the term NASCAR come from??"
"National Association of Stock Car Racing???"
"Wrong!!"
"What do you mean, 'Wrong'?"
"Well, there was this Good Ole Boy walking down the road and he sees his buddy standing in front of a new Chevy. He looks at him, and he says, "Ya know, that there is a real 'Nas Car'!!!" (Nice Car)
Submitted By Fred Fortin


71
WALLACE ARRESTED FOR DRUGS!!
Yeah, They found everything but speed on him.
Submitted by Bobby Chavez


72

What do you call Derricke Cope racing with his car tied to the back of Jeff Gordon's?
A true restrictor plate
Submitted by the Tartar Avenger

73

Rickey Craven and Jeff Gordon go on vacation to Africa and get lost from their families and tour group. Jeff is keeping Rickey company by recanting each of his wins in full detail when they come upon a tribe of cannibals. They capture the 2 racing icons and tell them that they can have only one request before they die. They ask Jeff and he says that he would like to watch a tape of his win in the first Nascar Indy race. Then he begins to recant the story behind qualifying and testing for Indy when they ask Rickey what his request will be. Rickey thought about hearing one more 'Gordo story' and just said "Eat me first".

74

Jeff Gordon, Ricky Rudd and Geoff Bodine are convicted of crimes and are all sentenced to 20 years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed to bring one thing into the cell with them. Gordon asks for books. Rudd asks for his wife. Bodine asks for 200 carton of cigarettes. At the end of 20 years they open up the door to Gordon's cell. He comes out excited about how much he has learned, "I've learned so much, I could be a Doctor, It's great!". They open up Ricky Rudd's cell and he comes out with his wife and 5 kids. "My wife and I have never been so close! Now we have a great new family!" They open up the door to Bodine's cell and he's slapping at his pockets, "Anybody got a match!"

Joke Stolen from a post on rec.autos.sport.nascar from 8-3-8

75

Why does Ernie Irvan drive "skittles" car??
Cuz there is only one "I (eye)" in skittles.

Submitted By PKRacn

76

Jeff Gordon's car breaks down on the Interstate, so the 'Golden Boy' eases over onto the shoulder. He carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two of his pit crew members in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers while another two get out of the back seat and begin checking the car. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward Jeff's disabled vehicle yelling,
"What the hell is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the Rainbow Warrior, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop. "These are my emergency flashers!" replied the Wonder Boy!

77

Q. Give an Example of Gross Ignorance.
A. 144 Gordon Fans

78

Rusty Wallace's Wife goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir .....can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line......It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it" He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime she lets out one of them "Miller Lite" farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

79

Terry Labonte gets a call from Jeff Gordon. "I've got a problem," says Jeffy.
"What's the matter?" asks Terry.
"Well, I was snooping through the free promotional stuff in your Garage and I found this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks Terry.
"It's of a big rooster," replies Jeff.
"All right," says Terry, "I'll come over and have a look." So he goes over to Jeff's house and Jeff says, "Thanks for coming over." Jeff leads Terry into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.
Terry looks at the jigsaw & then turns to Jeff and says, "For God's sake - put the Cornflakes back in the box!"

80

Henry Ford went to Heaven upon his death and was given a warm welcome at the pearly gates. St. Peter, after completing the formalities, asked him how he would like to spend his time. Ford, the great inventor, asked to see some of the inventors before him. So St. Peters printed out the list of all the inventors currently ( doing time ) in heaven.
As Ford started to go through the list, he came across the name Adam. He queried if it was the same guy who discovered Eve, the woman. St. Peters confirmed that indeed Adam was the man credited with the invention of women. Ford requested an audience with Adam, as he had a few things to straighten out with him.
When the scheduled meeting took place, Ford was all over Adam, attacking him for the flaws in his invention.
"Your invention is the most stupid work of engineering I ever saw. There is too much of front end protrusion, the rear end wobbles too much, it chatters at high speeds and the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
Obviously, Adam doesn't like it too much. He thinks for a while and then leads Henry Ford to the Celestial Computer. He works with the enormous data-banks and in a few minutes there are beeps and all that, and out come a few charts and graphs.
"Look here, Mr. Ford. Despite all the flaws you pointed out, data shows that there are more men riding my product than yours."

81

Dave Marcis is having medical troubles but is reluctant to get help, so Dale Earnhardt and Richard Childress tie him up and drive him down to see a doctor. He is too embaressed at first but he finally blurts it out just as the Doctor is finishing his checkup.
Dave says "Doc, I've been having this terrible gas and I've been letting these rip-roaring farts but they are silent and don't have any odor. Hell, I've let 3 while you were examining me!"
The Doctor tells him not to worry and he leaves the room for a moment. The doctor returns with some pills and Dave takes them. After a few moments, Dave lets one of his farts and he hears it .
Dave Says "Well I guess they do stink after all!"
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

82

Geoff Bodine was home recovering from his truck wreck at Daytona. He was glad for the interlude, because it taught him how much his wife loved him. She was so thrilled to have him around, that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!

83

Barbara Walters was interviewing Jason Jarrett so his Dad and Granddad told him to expect some weird questions. After the standard racing questions she asked him "If you could have a sex with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" Jason quickly responded, "The living one."

84

Geoff Bodine was giving an interview to Dr. Jerry Punch on the Sunday of Rockingham and they were talking about his big wreck in the Truck race at Daytona. He said that he told the Doctors in Daytona that he was going to be ready for Rockingham and they just laughed. He then went to a Charlotte hospital and kept telling them all week that he would be ready for Rockingham and they all just laughed. He was feeling better on Sunday when he told the Doctors that he planned on a comeback win at Las Vegas when they all just laughed again. He said " but I feel better, don't you think I can drive?". To which they replied " Yeah, you can drive, just as good as you ever have. That's why we don't think you'll even QUALIFY!!!!".

85

Mark Martin is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is toohigh for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time and remembering how hard it was for him as a small child, Mark moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the boy's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, Mark smiles and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

86

(knock knock)
"Who's There?"
"Boo"
"Boo Who?"
"Is that you Rusty?"

87

Brett Bodine runs into a bar and says "Gimme 20 shots of whiskey!".
He drinks them all down and orders 20 more. The Bartender pours and asks why he's drinking so fast
Brett says "Well if you had what I have, you'd drink as fast as you could too!".
The Bartender says "Aw, that's horrible buddy, what do you have?".
Brett replies "Oh, about 50 cents"

88

Rick Mast and his wife were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store.
Rick says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."
The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment...then you don't make another payment for six months." Rick's Wife wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, "Who told you about us?!?!?!!"


89

Jeff Gordon, Tony Stewart and Jerry Nadeau were walking down the beach when a seagull dumps a load on Tony Stewart.
. Tony says "I'll go and get some toilet paper."
When he left, Jeff turns to Jerry and says, "Boy, is he ever stupid. By the time he gets back, that seagull will be miles away."

90

After a day fishing in the ocean Bobby Labonte is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
Not having one Bobby says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Every day I come done to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The Winston Cup Champion boldly turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
Bobby turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
91

Walking into the garage lounge area, Bobby Labonte said to Joe Gibbs, "Pour me a stiff one Joe, I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Joe. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Bobby replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that`s a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!"

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