Cinderzoisite: A Twisted Cinderella Parody

Zoisite sighed, as he scrubbed the dishes. His evil not-stepmother had decided to give him the demeaning task of cleaning the entire house out, including the basement--he shuddered--before she got home from work today. He had about thirty seconds left, and the only room in the house NOT clean was the kitchen, due to the fact that his not-so-evil-as-much-as-annoying not-step-sister--Usagi--had been pigging out the whole day.

"Usagi-chan!" He called to her with false sweetness, "Have you seen Makoto lately?"

"Uh uh." She mumbled in between bites of food. "OH! This chocolate cake is SOOOO GOOOD! Too bad you can't cook like this, Zoisite!"

"Yeah, yeah." He grumbled, when he heard his not-stepmother's limo pulling up to the driveway.

"ZOISITE!" She shrieked. "THERE'S A SPECK OF DUST ON THE 'WELCOME' MAT OUT HERE!"

He ran out of the kitchen and to the front room (still holding a half-cleaned dish) and begged, "I'm so sorry Beryl-sama! It'll never happen again!"

She glared at him, and without saying a word, blasted him. "That'll teach you. Now, it appears the kitchen is not yet clean!" She deduced, seeing the dish in hand.

Zoisite got down on his knees, "IT'S NOT MY FAULT! USAGI WOULDN'T QUIT EATING, AND EVERYTIME I TRY TO GET RID OF HER SHE CAME BACK!" He began crying, and looked up at her with Bambi eyes, trying to generate sympathy.

The author went all starry-eyed and exclaimed, "KAWAII!"

Then she got back to typing the fic.

Beryl started laughing. "HAH HAH HAH HA HAH HAH HA--" She burst into a fit of coughing, then continued laughing for a few more minutes. "You looked so adorable when you did that, I'll give you a break THIS time. But don't let this happen again!"

She shouted (nearly bursting poor Zoi-chan's eardrums), "GIRLS! GET YOUR SORRY ASSES OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!"

Makoto was the first to show up, wearing an apron and surrounded in a thick cloud of flour. Minako enthusiastically bounced into the room, dragging a poor cat along with her by the scruff of its neck (no, it's not Artemis). Ami walked into the room, reading a book as she did so, and tripped over Minako's cat (which had gotten loose and was running all around the room in a panicked frenzy). Rei walked into the room, very pissed off. She was wearing her long hair in pigtails like Usagi's, the tips of which had somehow caught on fire. Since everyone present were all anime characters, they didn't notice the obvious.

After about four minutes, Usagi entered the room from the kitchen, munching on a bucket of fried chicken.

Beryl began, "Now that you're all here," she shot Usagi a glare which didn't register in the dense girl's mind, and continued, "Queen Selenity is holding a ball tonight in the Palace. As Princesses and Senshi, you must go. Be ready in an hour."

"Oh boy!" Exclaimed Rei, "Endymion will be there!"

Usagi dropped her fried chicken, which the cat dashed over to and began to eat, and whined, "Endymion is MIIIINE!"

The two began one of their famous tongue wars, and the cat (now finished with the chicken) began to bat at the ends of Rei's flaming pigtails.

Zoisite had the misfortune to notice that Rei's hair was on fire and burst out in giggles. "Rei...your--" He couldn't stop laughing. Pretty soon he had to stop, gasping for breath, but then continued.

Everyone stared at him for a minute, then the fire alarm went off.

Makoto sweatdropped, and whispered, "Rei-chan...your hair's on fire."

"WHAT?!" Her eyes widened in terror. "HELP! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!" She began to run around the room, shrieking even louder than the fire alarm.

"Shine aqua illusion!" Ami shouted, dropping her book.

Rei was now incased in ice, but her hair had been put out. The alarm was still blaring.

Beryl shot Zoisite (still laughing) an irritated look. "Turn that obnoxious thing off!"

"ZOI!" The alarm shattered into hundreds of pieces, and shrapnel rained down on the Senshi. Uh...no. Let's not go there...

Beryl face-faulted. "That's...not quite what I meant..."

* * *

"There." Zoisite sighed, exhausted. "Voila!"

He had taken nearly half an hour to cut Rei's singed hair to a reasonable style. (Now it looked just like it does in the show.)

Rei looked in the mirror. "Arigatou, Zoi-chan!"

For no particular reason, the Senshi of Mars jumped up and hugged Zoisite before getting really pissed at the author.

"WHAT THE--WHY AM I HUGGING THE FAG?!"

Julie-chan appeared out of nowhere and whispered some-thing into Rei-chan's ear. A blush spread over the girl's cheeks and she exclaimed, "You wouldn't!"

"Wouldn't what?" Zoisite asked sweetly batting his eyelashes in a way he knew the author couldn't resist.

"I wouldn't tell you that--" Rei clamped a hand over Julie-chan's mouth.

"No." She hissed.

"But...he batted his eyelashes at me!" Julie protested.

"No." Rei insisted.

Julie-chan sighed. "Fine then. I'll just have to go and write a fanfic about it!"

"NOOOOOOOO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"

Julie gave Rei a smug smile and whispered something in Zoisite's ear. He gave her a wicked smirk, and conjured up a phone.

"Hey, Fisheye! You won't believe this!..."

"Fire soul!"

The phone was reduced to ash.

Julie-chan whispered, "I...think I'll go now." And she disappeared.

Just then Beryl walked into the room. "REI!! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE AT THE MOON PALACE TEN MINUTES AGO!" She grabbed the girl by the arm and dragged her down the stairs (What stairs?).

"Uh...Beryl-sama?" A tentative voice asked.

"WHAT?!!" She screeched.

Zoisite examined the tips of his boots and asked, "Can I go to the ball?"

Beryl laughed an evil laugh. "MWAHAHAHAHA! What would you wear? You don't have any suits!" Never mind the fact that he could just conjure something up. (...I really shouldn't point out plot holes, ne.)

"I have this really pretty evening gown though!" Zoi-chan had hearts in his eyes.

Beryl sweatdropped before screaming "NO!" one last time and dragging Rei out the door to their limo.

Zoisite sighed. He never got to do anything even remotely fun. Suddenly, he had the "bright" idea to let some rats loose in Beryl's quarters. That would teach the old hag!

He spent a few minutes trying to trap some rats, and eventually had ten of them. He took them to Beryl's room.

"Here you go, minna! This is your new home!" He said rather cheerfully as he let them loose.

That over with, Zoisite realized that he could probably go to the ball anyway because no one would recognize him in the gown.

Zoisite dressed and got ready, and in a hour was ready to go. He was about to teleport to the palace when some drunk wacko wearing Selenity's wings appeared next to him.

Zoisite recognized him. "NEPHRITE! What the HELL are YOU doing here?"

"*hic* I'm your fllairy glodmonther!" He slurred, trying to stand straight. "I've come tlo--"

Zoisite produced an ice crystal and stabbed him with it.

Nephrite screamed in pain, and fell to the ground.

All of the sudden out of nowhere, Jadeite appeared. "OH MY GOD YOU KILLED NEPHRITE!!!"

"Get over it. I kill him in the show, too."

Jadeite kneeled next to Nephrite and began to cry. "I... I'm sorry, Neffy-chan! I should have SAVED YOU!" He started whining louder than even Usagi (a hard task to accomplish). "I...I LOVED YOU!"

This was too much for Nephrite, and he suddenly came back to life for no apparent reason. Jadeite jumped for joy and began to kiss Nephrite passionately.

Nephrite, who was drunk anyway, didn't really give a damn and the two started making out.

Zoisite rolled his eyes and was about to teleport to the palace when he was interrupted by Jadeite.

"Hey, Zoi? Can we use your room?"

* * *

Finally having come to a compromise with Jadeite (he and Nephrite could use Beryl's room. heh heh heh), Zoisite arrived at the Moon Palace.

Finally.

He was wearing a forest green evening gown, and surprisingly enough, looked like a woman (in...un...certain areas...)!

He patted his chest. "Fake boobs. Gotta love 'um."

While the author was off getting phsyco therapy, Zoi-chan took a deep breath and entered the palace. There were hundreds of people on the dance floor. Really.

A voice boomed over the invisible loudspeakers and said, "And now, the highlight of the evening, Prince Endymion will dance with one lucky girl!"

Said Prince walked down along the ballroom floor, everyone clearing a path for him. Sighing, and choosing a girl at random from the crowd, he pointed to Zoisite.

"You." he said.

Zoisite screamed, and his eyes grew wide, filled with terror. He ran from the room.

The Prince shrugged, clueless as always. "Any other volunteers?"

Zoisite had run into the gardens and sat down on the rim of a fountain. He sighed in relief as no one seemed to care about his departure. Inside, he could see Endymion being attacked by a mob of girls (though he couldn't fathom why).

"Mind if I join you?" said a deep voice.

Taken by surprise, Zoisite shrieked and almost fell backwards into the fountain. In fact, he would have, had the mysterious person not caught him.

Zoisite looked up to come face-to-face with you-know-who.

"Kunzite-sama!" He smiled, hugging the startled man tightly around the waist.

Gasping to breathe, Kunzite asked, "Do I know you?"

Zoisite promptly fainted, but fell into the fountain and was woken up immediately by the ice cold water.

Kunzite (for some odd reason) just stood there. "Do I know you?" He asked again.

"It's me! ZOISITE!!" His eyes began to water. "I...I love you."

"Huh? I thought I was engaged to Minako?"

Zoi-chan slapped Kunz across the face. "This is based on the anime! Didn't you read the author's notes?"

"Oh. I think I'm in the wrong fic." He smiled nervously. "Why don't you go dance with Ami?"

Zoisite blanched. "Me and Sailor Mercury? I think you've got a few screws loose."

Suddenly, the author, in all her divine power, decided to end this piece-of-shit-story once and for all.

THE END

Then, you realized that this wasn't the end of the file, and kept reading.

"Hey, you can't just end the story yet!" Shouted an enraged Hotaru.

"Huh? What's Hotaru doing here?" The audience asked.

"Huh? What's Hotaru doing here?" The author wondered as well. Then Julie-chan decided that she didn't like Sailorsaturn that much herself and decided to let Zoisite have a go at her.

Hotaru screamed as brave, courageous, smart, witty, and not to mention incredibly handsome (despite the fake boobs)--

"Shut up already and get on with it!" Hotaru insisted.

Fine. Hotaru screamed as Zoisite formed an ice crystal in his hand. He threw it at her, and *SPLAT!* The rest of the scene is best left undescribed.

"Uh, umm...Kunzite-sama?" Zoisite looked all around the garden but could not find his "love." It seemed that manga-version-Kunzite decided he was heterosexual and run off into the night.

Zoisite was about to start singing the blues when he was distracted by a loud shriek, to the relief of the readers.

Endymion ran out the door, millions of girls swarming after him. "HELP!" He shouted, and, spotting Zoisite, picked "her" up in his arms and kissed "her." "There, you see? I'm taken." He said smugly.

Zoisite screamed as loud as he could, and shouted, "ZOI!"

Endymion fell, dead, into the fountain. Usagi AKA Princess Serenity started wailing and viciously fought her way through the crowd of women already surrounding him, biting and kicking.

"ZOISITE! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STAY HOME!" Came an all-too-familiar voice. "I wouldn't have minded if you'd have stayed out of my sight, but NOO! You have to flirt with PRINCE ENDYMION and THEN you BLAST HIM! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS YOU LITTLE--"

"NOOOOO!" Shouted Kunzite (this time from the anime version) who heroically flung himself at Beryl. Of course he missed her by five feet and went sprawling. Then, regaining his composure and standing (as well as dusting of his uniform--dirt clings to that kind of fabric donchaknow) he informed her. "No he wasn't. That...that womanizing creep was hitting on my poor Zoi-chan...*sniff* who did nothing to him to deserve this treatment! He was going out of his way to avoid Cape-boy here!"

"You called him 'Cape-boy.' That is punishable by death!" Her eyes narrowed to thin slits

"Uh...I meant...to say, the handsome, wonderful, soul-mate (not to mention bedmate) of the almighty Queen Beryl, Prince Endymion!"

Beryl smiled, "Thank you. Now get out of my sight, you two. Zoisite, I don't want to see you for the next week."

Beryl then teleported back home.

"Uh, we'd better go." Said Zoi-chan, frantically trying to drag Kunzite away. Of course, this did absolutely nothing, considering how much smaller Zoi-chan was.

"Why? Did you put rats in her bedroom again?"

Zoi grimaced. "Well...that and..."

"ACK!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING IN MY BEDROOM!!! NEPHRITE!! DRUNKEN BASTARD!! AND YOU, JADEITE!! GET THE HELL OUT!! ZOISITE, NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, YOU'RE--"

Having had enough of Beryl threatening Zoey, Julie-chan had the Senshi, Inner and Outer, (yes, even the recently resurrected Hotaru) destroy her house.

Beryl swore, "I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE! JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH--" her evil laughter was cut short by her untimely DEATH.

Meanwhile, Zoisite and Kunzite had slipped out of the gardens and were now...uh, "otherwise occupied."

For some reason, Endymion suddenly came back to life. Jumping up, he declared, "I will find that girl if it's the last thing I do! I think I love her..." He cradled an object to his chest. "I will find the girl who's bust matches this fake boob... EEWWWW!" He screamed, dropping the fake boob back onto the ground. Looking at the expectant crowd of woman gathered around him (some now removing their shirts and/or bras), he whispered meekly, "...or not..."

THE END (for real this time)