After watching the concert with Ali, we decide to go to a nearby bar for a quick drink before meeting the guys for a meal. We order vodkas and find a dark corner to sit.
“So, did you forget any of the show?” I ask her with a giggle.
“Uh huh,” she nods seriously. “I forgot the way Nick head bangs during More Than That.”
“How could you forget THAT?!” I gasp dramatically and she giggles.
“Ok, so maybe I repressed the memory…”
“When are you guys going to be together again?” I ask and she shrugs, her smile disappearing. “Because you know you are meant to be with him Ali.”
“I know that, but does he?”
“Sure he does,” I say confidently. “Just talk to him about it.”
“Maybe.”
“No maybe!”
“Jade, just let us do this at our own pace.”
“Ok, ok,” I hold my hands up and look over at the bar. AJ is standing there on his own and I watch him order a drink. “What’s AJ doin’ here?” I wonder aloud and Ali looks over.
“No idea. I thought he was goin’ to the restaurant with the other guys.”
“Maybe he forgot,” I say and finish my drink. “I’m gonna say hi and get another drink. You want?”
“Yeah, JD and coke,” she says as I stand up. I walk over to the bar and order our drinks before nudging AJ lightly with my arm.
“Hey you,” I greet as he looks at me.
“Hey,” he says, sounding a little guilty. He pushes his glass away from him slightly and I pick it up. It looks like it has coke in but I can smell Jack Daniels on his breath.
“Aje…” I start and he sighs heavily.
“So I drink a little,” he shrugs. “No biggie.”
“No biggie?” I stare at him. “It’s a BIG biggie! You’re an alcoholic! I thought you were sober.”
“I was!” he declares. “Shit happens.”
“You could’ve talked to someone about it instead of hopping right off the wagon.”
“Like who?!”
“Like me, or Ali… Or your mom or any one of the guys!” I tell him.
“As if,” he mutters.
“Aje,” I say quietly. He looks broken and I wonder how long he’s been drinking again. I guess I’ve been too caught up in my life to notice and that makes me feel awful. “Are you going to the restaurant?”
“For what?”
“The meal with the other guys. To welcome Ali back.”
“Oh. No.”
“Why?”
“I don’t feel like bein’ sociable and happy tonight,” he says and pulls his glass back towards him.
“Fine,” I say and pick up the two glasses for me and Ali. I walk back to the table and hand Ali her glass.
“Thanks. AJ ok?”
“Uh huh,” I lie. “He’s just not feeling up to a big group meal.”
“Oh, ok,” she downs her drink and stands up. “We’d better go already. I didn’t realise the time.”
“You go. Give my excuses,” I tell her. “I want to talk with AJ a while.”
“Uh, ok, sure,” she says. “Should I stay too?”
“No, it’s fine. Really.”
“Okies,” she shrugs and we walk over to where AJ is standing by the bar. “Hey cuz,” Ali greets him and he looks at her before smiling.
“Hey Ali.”
“I’m gonna head off. Catch ya later,” she tells us both and disappears.
“You’d better go too,” AJ tells me, staring into his glass.
“I’m stayin’ here. With you.”
“I’m fine on my own. I don’t want company.”
“Then we’ll just stand here not talkin’,” I say stubbornly and he sighs heavily. “Aje, I love you and I am so sorry you didn’t feel you could talk to me about this. But I’m here now and I’m not goin’ anywhere.”
“I can’t talk to you about this crap,” he says.
“Sure you can,” I tell him and we sit in silence for a while. “But I can wait for as long as it takes for you to feel ready to tell me. Just please stop drinking.”
“It helps me,” he admits quietly.
“Not in the long term. You don’t need alcohol. You’re stronger without it.”
“I don’t think I am.”
“Does Sarah know any of this?”
“No,” he shakes his head. “Nobody knows.”
“Oh,” I say quietly and look at him. He’s studying his hands. I just don’t know what to do or say. How do I help him? How do I show him how much he means to all of us? “AJ,” I murmur and reach out to hold him tightly. I wrap my arms around him and he stiffens up. I refuse to let go and gradually he relaxes, his arms winding around me and his head resting against mine. I have no idea how long we stand there, just holding onto each other but eventually he speaks.
“I love you Jady,” he whispers.
“I love you too.”
“No, I mean, I REALLY do love you,” he says, pulling back from our hug and looking into my eyes. I can see that his are full of tears.
“Sorry?” I say, confused.
“You remember how I always had a crush on you when we first met?” he asks and I nod, knowing suddenly where he’s going. “And you thought I got over it. I didn’t. I really tried Jade.”
“AJ…” I let go of him and lean back, against the bar.
“I thought I was over you, that I loved you like a sister. I mean, you were so happy with Brian and I met Sarah. And I do care for her, I really do. But she’s not you and it’s not fair that I want her to be you. And when you were kidnapped back in New York… I felt like my whole world was ending. I was so scared that I would never see you again and that I would never have the chance to tell you how much I love you,” his words come tumbling out and I just stare at him in shock. “I know you don’t love me and that you wanna be with Brian but I don’t know how to deal with it anymore.”
“So you started drinking?”
“Yes,” he nods. “I’m that weak.”
“You’re not weak,” I tell him. “What do you want me to do?” I ask after a silence.
“That’s easy. I want you to be with me,” he says bitterly. “But that ain’t gonna happen so I don’t know.”
“Neither do I,” I admit. “Should I stay away from you?”
“No!” he exclaims. “God no. I need you in my life.”
“But if I’m just hurting you… Making it worse…”
“I’ll find a way,” he sighs. “I just need you to help me.”
“How?”
“Don’t tell anyone about my drinking. I’ll stop, I promise.”
“Promise?”
“I will,” he says firmly and I sigh.
“I won’t tell anyone. But you gotta tell me if you feel like you need to drink again.”
“Ok. You could be my sponsor.”
“Sure,” I smile. “I would like that.”
“Me too.”
“I’m sorry about fucking up your life,” I whisper as his eyes meet mine.
“I did that all by myself.”
After spilling out his feelings for Jade, AJ had left her and returned to his hotel room. He can’t believe he had told her everything. She will treat him differently from now on, he just knows it. She will pity him and that’s the last emotion he wants to arouse in her. He wants her to love him so much that she can’t go a single minute without him in it. He opens the fridge in his room and stares at the line of mini bottles. He picks out a whiskey and shuts the door, unscrewing the cap. He puts it to his lips and catches sight of his reflection in the mirror. This is all wrong. He lowers the bottle without drinking and studies his pale face and wild eyes. He doesn’t need alcohol. It’s just a way of escaping the reality of his life. Jade will never love him with him drinking, maybe she will never love him anyway but he needs to find out. He heads into the bathroom and pours the whiskey away, watching it swirl down the plughole.
I open my room door as quietly as I can and slip inside. Brian is not back yet and I sit on the bed, grateful for the chance of being alone. I need to sort through what AJ has told me. He’s in love with me. Well, he believes that he is. I’m not too sure. I thought he had fallen for Sarah. I mean, seeing those two together… Anyone would’ve thought they were meant to be. Maybe he’s just confused, scared of committing to her and so he’s grabbing onto anything else. The way I did with JC. I think that’s it. AJ doesn’t really love me. We’re just friends, that’s all. And AJ will realise that for himself soon enough. All I have to do is carry on being his friend, and help him to get sober again. I stand up and head into the bathroom to take a shower. I smell of smoke and alcohol.
“Jady?”
“Yeah?” I reply, walking out of the bathroom and towelling my hair.
“Hey baby,” Brian smiles and walks over to kiss me. “I missed you tonight. Where were you?”
“Talking with AJ. Didn’t Ali say?”
“Oh yeah, I think she did. Is AJ ok?” Brian sits on the bed and pulls his boots off.
“Uh huh. He was just feelin’ a little lonely I think,” I smile. “How was dinner?”
“Real good. I missed you though,” he pouts and I laugh.
“Did Nick and Ali talk?”
“Not really,” he shrugs before pouting again. “And I missed you.”
“Aw, I’m sorry,” I tell him. “Anything I can do to make it up to you?”
“Hmm…” he pretends to think as I go to walk past him but grabs me, pulling me down onto his lap. “I’m sure I can think of something,” he tugs at my towel and it comes off. “I just thought of something,” he grins and bends his head to kiss my breasts.