Fears for the Future
I picture these awful images, images of me ten years from now. I hear a baby crying in the background as I sit huddled in a corner. My husband gets home, and I wait for what I know is coming. The windows of the house are all broken and drafts come through strongly. He hits me and I let my head drop.
This is the life I see for me. This is what I'm going to work not to have.
I come home to an empty apartment. Designer inspired. I throw my jacket down on the couch and go into the kitchen to sit at the table alone. Everything is so crisp and clean. Maybe cause I'm never home. I stare at the answering machine light blinking, and wonder if this is all there is for me.
Its either being hurt by the love of my life or having no love in my life.
A small little house. Putting two kids to bed. Husband comes in late from work with a smile on his face. Suburbia's lights shine through the window. The dog barks out in the yard. He walks up to me for a hug and kiss and I step back. I play the message on the machine, of the woman with whom he's been cheating.
Picture perfect world and picture perfect wife. But nothing is perfect and I cant live that life.
Late night at the office again. Papers scattered on the desk again. Every other office light is out and yet I'm sitting there. Glance out at the city lights. How they seem to reflect in my eyes. Have to finish. Deadline tomorrow. Fall asleep at the desk with a pen in my hand. Janitor wakes me up when he takes away the trash basket. Just enough time to finish but I scatter the papers and walk away.
Was this the life I always wanted? Did I really want it like this? When did I decide my fate?
Lie down on the bed and rub my belly. Going to tell him tonight, he's going to be a daddy. He calls me on the phone; he's stuck in traffic. I'm so tempted to tell him, but I hold back. I smile to myself, he'll be so happy. I hear him yell and a large crash. He whispers he loves me and then he is quiet. I sit up panicked. What happened? Sirens and people yelling. Someone picks up the phone and speaks to me.
He'll never know how much I loved him. He'll never know about his baby. I shouldn't have held back. I'm a widow and a single parent. Baby will never know a father.
Whatever life we live…
That's the life we live
We can't change what we have…
We can only hope to make it better
